The Players
'Brooke Bollea' - The sixteen year old daughter of Terry and Linda Bollea, more respectfully known as "Hulk" and "Bride of" Hogan. The blonde, tanned singer has been working with Backstreet Boys/N'Sync/O-Town/hearing ailment promoter Lou Pearlman to create a pop album full of "whoa-whoas" and "yeah boys" to saturate radio stations and get Willa Ford's old spot on TRL. Do you think it only takes talent to usurp the countdown spot of Jojo?? GET OUT. LEAVE. WASTE OF TIME. Some view her as "just another celebrity daughter," but Brooke, the lucky charm of the NHL's Tampa Bay Lightning, has more than just her father's famous, boa-wearing seed to be thankful for:

Things Brooke Bollea is thankful for:

- Her father existing in the wrestling business and meeting his wife, so her last name is "Bollea" and not "The Snake Roberts."
- Having blonde hair all over her head, and not just orbiting a giant semicircle of extraneous forehead.
- Being 5'11", a height that would probably let her dunk on David Flair.
- Wrestling friendships growing hot and cold as they do and being born at the best time to not be named Macho Man Randy Bollea.

'Terry "Hulk Hogan" Bollea' - Hulk Hogan was born "Terry Bollea," a fat kid who day hoped to inject so many steroids that he could one day win wrestling's world heavyweight title by poking his opponent in the chest with his index finger. Thanks to the clever marketing machine of Vince McMahon and his undeniable ability to bodyslam fat people, Hulk became synonymous with the word "wrestling" and used his influence and worldwide appeal to tag team with both Mr. T and Dennis Rodman, joining a bizarre sexual 40/40 club with Carmen Electra. Later he pretended to be hurt when punched by Jay Leno.

Hogan used his fame and fortune to extend his career outside of wrestling, garnering himself the nickname "Hollywood" for being the first grappler to headline feature films. Hulk made his debut in "Rocky III" as "Thunderlips," and used that success to catapult into films where he yells as muppets for being disorderly ("Gremlins 2"), films where he escorts muppets away for being disorderly ("Muppets From Space"), and films where muppets kick him for being disorderly ("3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain"). 

Remember...don't be scared by Hulk Hogan's fame and fortune! Like everyone else he puts on his bandana one head at a time. And sometimes he hilariously puts on his JnCo's one leg at a time. Here are some helpful tips:

Do your research!
Some of Hulk Hogan's most famous opponents include:

Andre the Giant - A fat man in a one-strap spandex leotard.
King Kong Bundy - A fat man in a two-strap spandex leotard.
The Big Bossman - A fat man in a cop uniform.
Kamala - A fat man in a loincloth.

Macho Man Randy Savage - An arrogant man.
Rowdy Roddy Piper - An arrogant man.
Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff - An arrogant man.
Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase - An arrogant man.
Mr. Perfect - An arrogant man.
Ric Flair - An arrogant man.
The Rock - An arrogant man.

The Iron Sheik - An evil foreigner (Iran, later Iraq)
Nikolai Volkoff - An evil foreigner (Russia)
Mr. Fuji - An evil foreigner (Japan)
Yokozuna - An evil foreigner (California Japan)
Sgt. Slaughter - A supporter of evil foreigners (Iraq, Cobra)

So just use your common sense. If you're overweight, egotistical, or weren't born in the United States you have absolutely no chance of escaping the Hogan family household without receiving the atomic leg drop, and if the disaster of Hiroshima taught us nothing else, it's that radiation is a devastating and deadly hazard especially when dropped by a leg.

Topics for dinner discussion
Some find it hard to broach a subject with Hulk Hogan around, because they barely have time to finish a sentence before he interrupts them with violent hand gestures and "YOU KNOW SOMETHING insert name here." And by that time he's off on a tangent about riding motorcycles with his Brother Bruti and you've lost him. This is especially pressing if the situation is important. Trying to ask for Brooke's hand in marriage will inevitably be brushed off by a story about how the Big Hulkster in the Sky struck him with the lightning necessary to collect enough mortal strength to bodyslam Big John Studd. Don't worry, it's nothing personal: the man is FUCKING INSANE.

Anyone who remembers television commercials knows that one of the Hulkster's favorite pastimes is standing on the beach with an easel to properly express the importance of strength in a deodorant. As the spokesperson for Right Guard Hogan feels it very important to have inspiration, not perspiration, as anything less would be uncivilized. Logic suggests that since whenever we see Hogan wrestling on TV his body is one step away from being a dead otter beneath the hull of the Exxon Valdez, we are to assume that Hogan has an excess of PERSPIRATION, which is inversely proportionate to his levels of INSPIRATION. This could explain why he hasn't learned a new move in twenty years. Try to coax the Hulkster into an open area and dampen him with cool towels, and maybe the next time he wrestles he'll break out the HULKZIGURI.

Also, since Hogan is so fluent with the easel, one can assume that he is also an art buff. This is also cemented by the fact that his yellow trunks, orange skin, and red kneepads have turned the man into a walking color wheel. Next time you're planning a room renovation, try planning it around Hulk Hogan's crotch and thighs!

Topics to avoid
'Politics' - Despite the political success of former wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Hogan has never been able to see his political dreams through, most notably in a failed attempt at the U.S. presidency in 1998. Political experts agree that it could've been his boa and old lady sunglasses getup fueling homophobia or his two-toned beard causing discomfort in children and dogs (who only see in black and white, so to them Hogan looked like Trapjaw from He-man) that spoiled his run at the oval office, but I think it was due to the fact that he was IN CHARGE OF A LARGE GANG.

So Hogan's inability to manage a group of thirty guys who worked once a week by running down a ramp and standing in a ring for five minutes on a Monday night lead the nation to believe that his leadership skills weren't qualified for steering the fate of the free world. So talking politics at the dinner table is a no-no.

'Gang Management' - The nWo started off as a good idea. The "New World Order" was a group of elite wrestlers who used their power backstage and in the ring to dominate the sport, causing chaos wherever they went and a row of bodies in their wake. This was fine and interesting for a few months. Shortly after their initial success Hogan (and his cohorts Hall and Nash, and their cohorts Oates and Crosby Stills, respectively) began letting anybody who wanted to join into the group. Egos began to take their toll and the nWo split up into two groups, the nWo Black & White and the nWo Wolfpack. It kept going like word of mouth does to shampoo...just splitting and multiplying, splitting and multiplying, until the opening match on WCW Saturday Night featured the nWo Mauve & Apricot battling it out with the nWo Duck Hats & Decorative Umbrellas.

Also, try to stay away from discussing 'Religion.'  The conversation can only go two ways: 1) Into another blown up diatribe about how he and the Ultimate Warrior climbed a mountain so they could jump off, grab God by the feet, yank him to the ground, and ride Harley Davidsons over him until he gave their fists the power of Thor's hammer, or 2) His never-ending belief that he is a hero and God is a "Hulkamaniac." Don't believe me? Hear it for yourself:

Hulkster in Heaven ~ 4MB
click the link to hear the song, right click and "save as" to save it to your computer.

Is Hogan connected like "the force" and can detect when a Hulkamaniac has died? That's kinda creepy. I bought the Hulk Hogan workout set with instructional cassette tape when I was five, does that mean Hulk was briefly inside of my brain? Does that mean Hogan is still inside of my brain? I don't think that I'm comfortable wiBRUTUS BEEFCAKE IS A GREAT WRESTLER BROTHER.

That song was recorded by "Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band," which is almost as creative as naming them "Hulk Hogan and the Musicians Playing With Hulk Hogan." Wouldn't "10,000 Hulkamaniacs" have been a more clever name? No, they had to let Jimmy Hart name them. He probably wanted to call them "Hulk Hogan and the Hulk Hogan is a Wrestler."

Also, God isn't a Hulkamaniac. GOD IS A LITTLE STINGER. And the Holy Ghost is a "friend and supporter of Randy Orton."

A final tip: Don't let Hulk Hogan know you have any friends. It's a proven fact that presented with this knowledge Hulk will take necessary steps to replace all of your friends with HIS friends. So unless you want to spend your Tuesday afternoon playing Halo with Hacksaw Jim Duggan, keep your mouth shut.

And if you are dating a girl who has just broken up with Bret Hart, there's a pretty good chance that Hogan is going to waltz in and take her from you within ninety seconds.

Don't be fooled by a clever alias
If the new kid in school walks up to you in the locker room and asks you about your new girlfriend, don't be quick to divulge any scandalous information. If the new kid is a 6'5 orange guy draped in feathered boas and an American flag mask, chances are that the new kid could in fact be your girlfriend's father. Use this opportunity to brush him off and instead choose to push the one-legged kid down a flight of stairs.

If he starts stomping around, refrain from punching the Hulkster
He's just walking around like a Parkinson's patient in tie-dyed leggings. Run up and stiff a knee in his back. Kick him in the legs. Pull out a gun and shoot him. DON'T PUNCH him. OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES. It hasn't worked the previous FORTY MILLION TIMES, it isn't going to work this time. If you are MENTALLY RETARDED and punch him EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE ASSUMEDLY WATCHED WRESTLING BEFORE AND KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES, Hogan will POINT AT YOU, make you RUN INTO HIS ELEVATED FOOT, and then SIT DOWN WITH HIS UNDERLEG ACROSS YOUR CHEST. AND THEN YOU WILL BE DEAD.

SO DON'T DO IT

GOD

On second thought
You know what? If you've ever watched wrestling in a serious, non-Kane-appreciating way, don't date Brooke Hogan. Leave her for the Aaron Carters and Guy from Good Charlottes of the world. It's not worth it. I appreciate Hogan for popularizing something I love and for entertaining the millions of kids and frontally-lobeless adults that he's entertained, but I know deep down within me no teenage pussy is worth missing the opportunity bring the reveled hatred and disapproving scoffs of a thousand workrate enthusiasts to his dinner table.

It wouldn't accomplish anything. I'd break up with Brooke, I'd have been nothing more than a momentary inconvenience for a rich old man, and I'd have to smell what the back of Hogan's knee smells like. I say coconut oil and leather. But I don't want to find out.

My final, official tip: Wait until Noelle Foley is eighteen and see how it goes. Or hook up with one of Eddy Guerrero's daughters. Sure, Noelle is like seven years old and Guerrero's daughters aren't beautiful pop singers, but much like the person who choses his soul over his checkbook, good things will come to you.

Brother.