I. /analog/
Web Server Statistics for progressiveboink.com
Program started at Sat-28-Feb-2004 01:00.
Analysed requests from Fri-27-Feb-2004 00:00 to Fri-27-Feb-2004
23:59 (1.00 days).
Search Query Report
Listing the top 200 queries by the number of requests for pages
in the last 7 days, sorted by the number of requests for pages in
the last 7 days. 7-day pages: search term
-----------: -----------
17: morgan webb nude
14: morgan webb tits
11: Morgan Webb naked
10: Morgan webb without clothing
9: out of her top Morgan webb
9: techtv nude morgan webb
7: morgan webb being fucked
6: organ webb
My name is B. Well, my name isn't B, but it's my middle
initial. I discovered the Internet when I was sixteen years
old. The Nazis were digging for it just outside of Cairo,
but their calculations were incorrect, because I found it across
the street at my friend Tim's house. I wanted to have sex
with his mother. There, I said it, I've been waiting since
1996 to say that online. She helped fuel this sadistic,
perverse side of me that I hadn't known was there. I was a
Christian. I wanted to live for God. It began to
drift away and I wanted to live for breasts. Puberty hit me
late, so when it finally arrived it was backed with the velocity
of a spaceship falling to Earth through the atmosphere as pulled
by steel-drivin' John Henry on a fucking hoverboard.
5: morgan webb topless
1: beautiful morgan nude tech tv
1: webb nude scene
1: webb webcam nude shot
1: Morgan Webb naked in a bonnet
1: Morgan Webb naked eating Blue Bonnet
We spent afternoons looking over our shoulders at the doorway
as Prodigy took a half hour to load Christmas pictures of Jenny
McCarthy naked in a room full of presents and Dalmatian
puppies. We hadn't discovered HOT XXX TEENAGERS PEEING nor
had we imagined worlds where overweight women eat turds for only
34.95 a month. We didn't even think it was gross that Jenny
had Dalmatian nose an inch from her gaping maw, we just looked at
the boobs, laughed like idiots, tried to homophobically hide our
erections from each other, and hit the "back" button on
the browser.
1: mOrgAn wEbb doing it
1: mOrgAn wEbb getting her freak on
1: morgan webb doing the hustle
1: Morgan Webb I'm Rick James Bitch because that never gets
old
1: Morgan Webb wardrobe malfunction
1: Morgan Webb being fucked by sea creatures
I began to write for websites. I taught myself how to craft
a joke and execute it. I learned the difference between
"TAKE MY WIFE PLEASE" and "Christina Aguilera is a
cum dumpster." I took the low road. I began
saying "fuck" when I didn't have to.
Example: My favorite character on Roseanne was fucking
Fisher, because he was harsh. I began to take sick pleasure
in the perverse side of life: I laughed when Ray pushed
Donna down the steps on 90210. I began to laugh at retarded
people on television. It started eating at my soul. I
compared the Columbine High School tragedy to professional
wrestling. I have never played a game of Dungeons and
Dragons in my life but these things I think and say began to mold
on my neck and ferment me into an Internet Geek, the kind of
person who sits alone and calls Harry Knowles fat on a Saturday
night.
1: morgan webb show me her nude pics
1: show them to me now
1: I won't go to your site unless they are there
1: your site will fail without morgan webb nude
1: you will be doomed to obscurity
1: morgan webb nude is your only hope for a better life
1: only the penitent morgan webb nude will pass
1: penitent
1: penitent
I began to crave something more. The search lead me to
Progressive Boink. I began to have fun again, to lose some
of the perversion, to explore and admire the things that shaped
me in my adolescence. I smiled as I remembered old Nintendo
games and Hayao Miyazaki films. And then, somewhere along
the way, I started Rating the Lesbians. And the hits
came. And the hits kept coming. E-mails.
"You're hilarious!" they say. "WHERE CAN I
FIND MOER OF YOUR WORKS" they ask, oblivious to the main
page, oblivious to the moments when I exposed myself, oblivious
to the times I opened my heart up and remembered my grandmother,
or my cousin David, or myself. I wanted to die. I
wanted to curl up and blame ignorance for what my life had to
offer.
And then, out of the blue, somebody read what I had to say about
the death of a wrestler and understood, and felt the same way,
and I helped them. They'd come for the lesbians, but stayed
for the innocence beneath it.
1: morgan playing with her organ
1: morgan playing the organ
1: morgan playing with her organ on an organ
1: morgan playing with her piano wait no i mean organ
1: lol my backspace key doesn't work ps morgan webb nude
So I spent a few weeks on our stats page, looking for what
made us work...looking at what the readers looked for, trying to
think of a way to please them. Trying to think of a way to
make our site better, and to help us grow. The more people
who visit, the more people who eventually understand me. I
need them to understand me. I need you to understand me.
I looked for literature, or comedy, or heart. All I can
find is "morgan webb nude." Over and over.
All work and no play make Morgan Webb nude. Something
something. Is this all it takes? Is this all you
want? If I find Morgan Webb nude and give it to you, will
you understand me? Will you take the time to browse the
archives, to look beneath the tits and see the vulnerable mound
farther down? I've spread my legs for you, and I need you
inside of me.
17: morgan webb nude
Your wish is my command. My salvation is at stake.
II. So You've
Decided to See Morgan Webb Nude
MYTHS AND
FACTS ABOUT MORGAN WEBB NUDE
Information gathered by flagrant use of Google and informal
polling. We asked 100 people, top five answers are on the
board.
Myth:
William Shatner's TechTV presents a post-Apocalyptic world where
junkies get their fix from chicks spouting computer lingo instead
of old chemical narcotics.
Fact: TechTV
is a television network dedicated to providing entertainment,
education, and information about computing, technology, and the
Internet. TechTV produces original television programming with
simultaneous content on its companion website, TechTV.com.
Myth:
TechTV's show "X-Play" invites you to "Get into
Videogaming Mania."
Fact: TechTV's show "X-Play" is
co-hosted by Morgan Webb and is generally about Videogaming that
anybody taking the time to watch a show about Videogaming has
already played, so, more accurately, "X-Play" invites
you to "Get into maintaining an erection during discussion
of Jak and Daxter."
Myth:
Morgan Webb got her onscreen break when she was moved from
behind-the-scenes producer to star of the show "The Screen
Savers," because she was a "windows expert."
Fact: Morgan Webb was moved from
behind-the-scenes of my computer's world wide web to star of my
computer's "screensaver" because she has "big
boobs." I'm just kidding, I masturbate to pictures of
her because of her mind. But in all seriousness, it's good
to find a woman who is a windows expert. If I could find a
woman who is a dishes expert I'd be a happy man.
Myth:
Morgan Webb rose to national prominence when a 1337 d00dr hacked
Madonna's website (http://www.madonna.com/madonna) to propose to
her. In just one day searches for Morgan rose 2000% on
Yahoo.com.
Fact: I want to meet this guy so I can
figure out why he chose Madonna's website to propose to a girl on
a television show about video games. I mean, if he'd hacked
Michael Jackson's website I could've at least assumed that Morgan
was a fan of the Moonwalker video game for Sega Genesis, and then
I'd get this cute image of her bopping around to a MIDI of Smooth
Criminal. How does hacking Madonna's site help? Do
Morgan Webb and Madonna hang out in Cannes on the weekends?
Do they sit in Madonna's eight billion dollar British estate
cackling when Morgan lures the Material Girl over a remote mine
during a rousing game of Goldeneye? I guess it's good for
exposure, but if he really wanted to win Morgan over he would've
hacked Madonna's site to tell her to give up the holy grail, turn
into a skeleton, and just die already.
Myth:
Morgan Webb is Canadian, which means that she likes ice hockey,
beer, and says "eh" after every other sentence.
Fact: Morgan Webb is Canadian, but only
really amateur, unfunny asshole comedians would go right for the
"hockey/beer/eh" triumvirate. I like to try a
little bit harder when I make a joke, because I value my capacity
for abstract though, and I just assume that everybody else
wonders what the deal is with marriage or airline food. For
example, Morgan Webb is Canadian, much like Progressive
Conservative Prime Minister John George Diffenbaker
(1957-1963). John George Diffenbaker? More like JOHN
GEORGE STIFF 'UN TAKER.
Myth:
Morgan's co-host Adam Sessler looks like Drew Carey had a baby
with Diedrich Bader.
Fact: Morgan's co-host Adam Sessler looks
like Reverend Jim from Taxi
had a baby with a giant walking ass in a bowling shirt.
Myth:
TechTV.com provided me with all the information I needed to get
an entertaining segment out of this.
Fact: TechTV.com looks like it (probably
actually) was written by that mainstream hipster college friend
you know who thinks she's really great at writing, but actually
just links humor buzzwords like "pirate" and
"ninja" between the biggest words she can muster to
create crazy and wacky situations in place of actual
information.
From TechTV.com: "Many people wonder where 'X-Play'
co-host Adam Sessler comes from. Adam's one of them. He likes to
believe that as a baby he was kidnapped by lemures, who cared for
him until they got bored. Fortunately, a travelling band of
ninjas took him in and trained him to be silent as the night and
to live in shadow. Being afraid of the dark, this was difficult
for Adam."
Oh God, I almost fucking split open my sides like Frequency on
the Cross and drowned all of my friends in the crystal waters of
salvation which flowed forth when I read that Adam was kidnapped
by BORED LEMURES. Who is going to the TechTV website to
learn about Adam that would pass up things that tell them about
Adam to see "HE PLAYED BASKETBALL WITH GYPSIES IN HIGH
SCHOOL AND THEN THEY CURSED HIM WITH A RECEDING HAIRLINE WHEN HE
WAS TWELVE?" Are we so desperate for comedy that even
the goddamn squares are trying to be hip? Go ahead, get a
teen model to read cue cards about Metal Gear. I'm an
advocate of that. I love the shit outta some G4. But
don't let them think bios like this are funny. When you see
them typing "MORGAN WAS A BEE IN HER FORMER LIFE,"
smash them in their fucking head with an X-Box. Then maybe
they'll just tell me what I already know about Halo and shut up.
III. Consulting the
Magic Genie KAZAA
Hi. I'm one of the kids who was
prosecuted for downloading Morgan Webb nude free over the
Intah-net.
And I'm here to announce in front
of 100 million people, we're still going to download Morgan Webb
nude free off of the Intah-net. The problem with this is
that Morgan Webb hasn't actually been nude yet, so the joy of
Kazaa has been reduced to sorting through the various quality
levels of Morgan Webb fakes. To save you some time, I've
gone through and selected one of each quality, so feel free to
masturbate to whichever one BOOTS UP your HARD DRIVE. But
don't go MICROSOFT on me! I need to LOG IN Apple
Computer wait
The Bad
Equivalent to
Sitting on Grandpa's Lap
Equivalent to
Sitting on Grandpa's Lap during Old Man Boner
I was starting to think that my
balls would brandish a folk guitar and begin wailing about how
they woman done them wrong. But the quest was still alive!
?
IV. Playboy.com, and the Reality of the Situtaion
By Rob. Walton
If there's anything computer geeks love more than next-generation
hardware and massive RAM, it's hot giga-babes. With the
provocative motto "New things. Turn us on," the upstart
TechTV network goes for the hard drive of nerd-dom by staffing
its prime time lineup with some model-caliber techsperts.
REALITY: Nothing kills my oncoming glue-children like a
journalism major with a bad case of Lingo. I would like to
DRIVE my car and RAM it into him until his back is nothing but a
pile of FLOPPY DISKS. Also, flagrant foul for anybody using
the word "techspert." That's 0.8 as bad as when
MTV or HBO calls someone a "Sexpert." And 0.33 as
bad as calling a Total Package enthusiast a
"Lexpert." And how can you trust somebody who
thinks that geeks want to get with a Giga-babe? When
they've finally defeated it it's just going to cast QUAKE and
kill them anyway.
These plugged-in girls gone wired are just the motivation
millions of guys need to drop their optical mice and shift their
attention to the boob tube for a few hours a night. Now in 43
million Nielsen homes, these women of TechTV enjoy the most rabid
fan base of perhaps any network, if you judge by their popular
blogs, copious fansites and endless waves of e-mail and IMs.
REALITY: How many times do you think Playboy.com has
referred to the television set as the "boob
tube?" Time to call moratorium on the joke,
guys. And for that matter I call shenanigans on Playboy for
suggesting that the women of TechTV enjoy the most rabid fan base
of perhaps any network. Don't you remember that awesome
episode of Wheel of Fortune where a pack of wolves broke onto the
set and fucked Pat Sajak to death? They even marked their
territory and pissed on Vanna White. Now she's Vanna
Yellow. That was awesome.
"A lot of guys are completely into computers, and no
girls that they know relate," explains a TechTV staffer.
"Then they see an attractive woman who is hitting the spot
for them, talking about operating systems and different programs,
and they go nuts."
REALITY: So wait, are the guys attracted to the girls, or
attracted to the talk about operating systems and programs?
Maybe he can't "techspress" himself well enough to
actually identify with another human being, so he should lower
his "techspectations," take his nuts to
"Techsas," and stop pretending he's ever going to see
her "Intel Insides."
So, who is your favorite TechTV personality?
REALITY: Morgan Webb, like any other sane human
being. Let's take a quick look at her competition:
 Melanie Kim - I am an advocate
of Asian women. In fact, I'm an advocate of Asian women
talking about electronics. Hell, I put G4's Diane Mizota on
my hottest girls list. But what I'm not an advocate of is having my
Asian woman turn around and suddenly be making scary Michael
Jackson werewolf face. Many Asian women look like porcelain
dolls, but Melanie Kim looks like the kind that would stare at
you from the darkness of the corner of your room before leaping
onto your bed and stabbing you to death.
 Sarah Lane - Who the fuck let
Sarah Plain and Tall into the Geek Love poll? She looks
like somebody beat Crystal Bernard from "Wings" in the
face with a rolling pin and then smoothed it out. Do we
have to accept every woman who talks about video games as a
"hottie?" My Mom bought me the old Three Stooges
NES game for my tenth birthday, but you don't see me going on and
on about how much I want to fuck her.
 Cat Schwartz - Who wants to see
Cat Schwartz in Playboy? We've already seen her naked, anyway. Do we need to see her airbrushed to
make her nipples look less like smooshed Raisinets? Do we
need to see her airbrushed to make her hair look less like she's
lead guitar in a Christian emo band? I'd probably fuck her
and dump her just to say that I "USED THE SCHWARTZ."
 Laura Swisher - Laura's exact
words, from TechTV.com: "Playboy has been after me
for years to do a spread. I don't know how many times I've said
no." Yup, Playboy has been after
CHOOSE YOUR OWN JOKE OBSCURITY:
Low - Scary Spice
Elevated - The bug-eyed chick from UPN's
"Girlfriends"
High - A more-Anglo Cree Summer
Severe - Tony's wife from "Blossom"
to pose for Playboy for YEARS. But knowing the TechTV staff
this is comedy, and Playboy has actually been in contact with
BORED LEMURES all this time.
Which of these sexy techies would you like to see go
wireless in Playboy? Vote in our Geek Love poll. Then come back
Monday, March 1 to meet the winner and find out if she'll pose
for Playboy.com.
Go wireless? Is Morgan Webb a robot? If so, wouldn't
that mean that she'd stop working? I'm not sure how I feel
about Morgan being a robot, but I'm pretty sure I'd like to stick
my dick in her chassis.
V. The Unapologetic
Morgan Webb Photo Gallery
Click the thumbnails for a
larger image. When changing schools, adopt sunglasses and a jean
jacket for a larger image.
  
  
  
  
VI. On the Morgan
Trail
Many kinds of people made the trip to
Morgan.
You may:
1. Be a banker from Boston.
2. Be a carpenter from Ohio.
3. Be a farmer from Illinois.
4. Be a writer for ProgressiveBoink.com.
*going back to 1848*
You attend a meeting held for "folks
with the Morgan Webb Nude fever." You're told:
"If you keep searching unsuccessfully, there
won't be any grass for your oxen to eat. If you give up and
just masturbate to pictures of her with her clothes on, you may
not get to see her nude before winter comes. And by
"winter" I mean you. That's what we prospectors
call 'Pioneer Entendre.' But if you vote for Morgan in the
Playboy.com Geek Love poll, there will be green grass and the
weather will still be cool."
From Progressive
Boink it is 102 miles to the Kansas River Crossing.
Wrong trail. Lose 3
days.
Your oxen could not
ford a river despite it only being eleven inches deep. You lost
20 pairs of clothing, 2 oxen, your little sister, and now you
have this creepy pooping disease where whenever you fart a big
water bubble squeezes out, and when it pops it leaves brown
streaks everywhere, like those little sludge guys from Super
Mario Sunshine.
Went on a tangent.
Lose 3 days.
At the Kansas River
Crossing a HELPFUL INDIAN suggests that it's stupid to spend so
much time and energy looking for Mogan Webb nude where there are
probably thousands of prettier girls who have already gotten
naked and are available right now all over the Internet,
including girls who do ass-to-mouth.
You try to caulk your
boat and float it across this time because the water is about
half a finger deep and your oxen trip and die when a raindrop
hits them in the back. You tip over while floating and lose 928
bullets, 2 wagon wheels, and you've got leeches all over your
nuts, just like Wil Wheaton.
From the Kansas River
Crossing it is 93 miles to Kazaa Lite.
But knowledge learned
from Morgan Webb allows you to fix it and continue! HELPFUL
INDIAN begins going and kindly FUCKING HIMSELF.
Find wild fruit.
Inadequate grass.
Inadequate grass.
Inadequate grass.
We're going to keep telling you this every time your ox takes a
step, despite the fact that you can't really do anything about
it. Isn't this a fun game? Couldn't you be playing MELANIE KIM'S
QUEST 3?
You are now at Kazaa
Lite. Would you like to look around? Y
Well, shit.
At Kazaa Lite there
is no river, but the dirt is a little bit damp. Would you like to
try to walk across it? Y
Your oxen drown in
the two molecules of water soaked into the rocks. You lose 2
wagon tongues, 4500 boxes of ammunition (you psycho), and you've
been stabbed through the chest by a whaling vessel that just
happened to be passing by.
Please insert side 2
of your Morgan Trail diskette.
VII. The Livejournal
of Morgan Webb's Hairstyle
| take
a look at morgan's naked epidermis |
 Obsess
about trivial attributes much?
the
livejournal written entirely by this girl's
haircut
::
morgan webb's head is property of techtv.com ::
|
| music:
Evanescence - "My Immortal" |
I decided I'd fill this opening paragraph with
some arbitrary diatribe about what I like and
don't like, because expressing my thoughts and
feelings here is a lot easier than either facing
them or doing something constructive about
them...especially when it's something as serious
as this!
This is "platinum blonde," my most
famous hairstyle. My eyebrows are dark
brown so going for a natural blonde look would
bee too troublesome...I wouldn't have anybody
noticing my crazy and wacky hair! I'm going
for the gold here (or going for the white, lol)
with platinum, which is not only a great color
choice but also a short-lived show on UPN about
rappers! They would say things like
"hey dog, what's up dog" and that's how
you'd know they were rappers. I had to dye
my hair to this color immediately!
Since this is the hair that most people first met
me with, this is the most nostalgic for people,
and when they make big photoshopped wallpapers of
me standing with my hands on my hips in the
corner of the screen with big colorful geometric
shapes flying around in the background, this is
the hair color they choose for me. It is
admittedly really attractive on me, but the only
creepy thing is that I look like a time-displaced
Judith Light. You know, Angela Bower from
"Who's the Boss?" It's like she
got a second chance to relive her youth in the
80's, and now she's still smart but has PUNK ROCK
SENSIBILITIES.
And isn't that what we all need? PUNK ROCK
SENSIBILITIES? Oh, god, look, PLAID PANTS! |
| 718034
comments | post
comment |
| music:
Evanescence - "My Immortal" |
Oh my God, isn't this just so DRAB? I love
it!
When a girl gets tired of being stared at and
wants to be that down-home, girl-next-door,
I-can-wear-tanktops-and-somehow-still-demand-you-not-look-at-my-tits-bouncing-
around-in-the-summer-heat kinda chick, I choose
brown as my hair color. Some people might
call this 'do a "golden brown," but
that's just silly. Gold isn't brown!
Brown is brown! Now if Midas touched my
hair it might be golden brown! I just read
that in a book! A book about Midas!
I'm pretty much going to be attractive with any
hairstyle, so when I go with something this
normal it doesn't really hurt or improve my
physical appearance. In this picture I look
like the really hot teachers assistant that would
help out in your college classes but never talk
to you because I'm totally already friends with
teachers and don't need to be friends with
bohemian teacher wannabes. And if you ask
me out to the Freshman Beer Bong and Women's
Studies fraternization I'm going to give you a
D-minus on your paper about Progressive
Conservatism! John George
Diffenbaker? Ha, more like JOHN GEORGE
BROWNIEBAKER!
D- !!!!!!! |
| 945002
comments | post
comment |
| music:
Evanescence - "My Immortal" |
Now RED, this is the hairstyle for real HOT TO
TROT FIRECRACKERS like myself! Redheads
have notoriously fiery tempers, because from a
distance in a heavy wind it can appear as though
our heads are on fire! Would you kindly
turn down a boy if he asked you out on a date
while your head was on fire? NO!!! Of
course not! You would kick him in his peter
and then slam your flaming head into the back of
his neck! Then you would both have fiery
heads! Then I think you would both die,
because your skin would melt and you can't live
without skin on your face. Relationships
are sad :(
I'm sorry, I can't really concentrate while
looking at this picture of me. Something
crazy is going on in my shirt here. Like a
small woman-child has flown into my bedroom
window to whisk myself and my little Canadian
siblings away to a land of wonder. I dunno
if it's the hair or what, but Jesus Christ.
The Passion of the Jesus Christ. This
picture gets me so hot that I would NAIL HER
THROUGH HER HANDS. I would fall down on top
of her in slow motion over and over and
over. And this is my own self I'm talking
about here!
Red is definitely the way to go. As they
say, Reds have more fun! And we have a
totalitarian system of government in which a
single authoritarian party controls state-owned
means of production! That's the kind of
forward thinking you need when you talk to people
about the new Donkey Kong game for a living. |
| 100456
comments | post
comment |
|
VIII. Waiting for
the Verdict - Jon
Morgan's Camera Blog
Morgan Bois
Webb's Moblog
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Mar 1, 2025
calvin praying
Comments (2456)
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Mar 1, 2025
strong message lol
Comments (4594)
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Mar 1, 2025
man of bats
Comments (3459)
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Mar 1, 2025
apples!!!!!!!
Comments (2947)
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Feb 29, 2025
me exposed
Comments (6655)
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Feb 29, 2025
hardest worker
Comments (9736)
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Feb 29, 2025
nummy!!!
Comments (5468)
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Feb 28, 2025
a very comfy beast
Comments (666)
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Feb 26, 2025
pioneer entendre
Comments (14651)
|
Lessons learned:
1) Jon Morgan
takes great camera phone pictures, doesn't he
she?
2) Aren't camera blogs really fucking retardedly boring?
IX. Playboy.com, and the Reality of the Situtaion
March 1st - Judgment Day: The
Polls are Closed
When we posed the question, "Which of TechTV's sexy
techies would you most like to see nude on Playboy.com?" the
upstart network's rabid interactive fan base rose to the occasion
and inundated our site with traffic. With nearly 150,000 votes
registered over two weeks, the Geek Love survey proved to be one
of our most successful "Girls of..." polls to date,
even beating out our infamous "Sexiest Sportscaster"
poll.
And it is chameleon-haired
Morgan Webb, co-host of TechTV's "video game asylum" X-Play,
who edged out her fellow techsperts to win by barely a pixel.
"When you tap into a passion of your audience, you're going
to spark their enthusiasm and start rallying the troops. We've
been very pleased with the overall interest and the overall
support of the women in the poll," enthused TechTV senior
V.P. of Marketing and Communications Gaynor Strachan Chun.
"TechTV, like Playboy.com, skews male, young and upscale. It
was an obvious synergy."
"It's been a lot of fun. It got a lot of attention and
everyone's talking about it!" Webb said via cell phone en
route to TechTV's San Francisco studios from an ESPN Cold
Pizza appearance in New York, during which
she discussed the poll. "I'm so flattered. I know it's a
really big honor," she added. The voting was so incredibly
close, we felt it only fair to extend the invitation to pose nude
to all five women. Stay tuned in the coming weeks to find out who
ultimately shows their software in an exclusive Playboy.com
pictorial.
Shenanigans are called on three
specific things here:
Shenanigan 1) Morgan edged them out by
"barely a pixel?" What are we voting on here,
which Mega Man robot we want to see naked? Because if
that's the case I'm voting for Guts Man, because I guarantee you
he's got a Mega Agro-Crag. And since when is a pixel a unit
of measurement? Are we operating under George Lucas and his
power of myth here? I've read their bios. Go read
them yourself. A bunch of girls apathetic about the idea of
having to shave their bush into a landing strip one day and tell
some fat kid about Metroid the next. I'm sure they were
really CHOMPING AT THE BIT PROCESSOR to take their clothes
off. That's why we had to have a poll in the first place,
instead of them just frickin' picking one.
Shenanigan 2) Morgan: "It's
been a lot of fun. It got a lot of attention and everyone's
talking about it! I'm so flattered. I know it's a really
big honor." If you need some landscaping done to that
shrubbery outside your house call Morgan Webb, because she's the
fucking queen of the Brush-Off. I've asked out one or two
girls outside my AAA ballclub in my life, and I know for a fact
that nobody who gives a shit about the topic says they're
"flattered." That means they're trying to get you
to go away so they can roll their eyes at you until the optical
nerves collapse and they're watching you walk away with two hands
full of ball goop. Also in my life I've learned that there
is nothing worse in life than a pretty girl who is tired of being
told she's pretty.
Shenanigan 3 (I swear to God I'm going to pistol
whip the next guy who says shenanigans))
The voting was so incredibly close they felt it only fair to
extend the invitation to pose nude to all five women? Stay
tuned in the coming weeks to find out who ultimately shows their
software in an exclusive Playboy.com pictorial? WHAT ON THE
EARTH OF FUCK. This is the most inefficient waste of my
time and optimism I've found since the last two
Wrestlemanias.
This also lends credence to the theory that one of the ugly girls
already agreed to pose and didn't want to have to deal with the
Internet bitching that Morgan wasn't asked to pose instead.
Maybe the crabs have finally grown to epic proportions and made
the trip up Heffner's smoking jacket to devour his brain.
If you're going to show us Cat Schwartz's eclair boobs again GO
FOR IT, nobody's stopping you. Just try not to cocktease
us, okay?
Can that guy hack Madonna's site again and persuade Morgan to go
along with the deal? Maybe he could hack Prince's website
this time instead. Does that guy have an intense knowledge
of purple JavaScript?
The reality of the situation is exactly what the helpful Indian
said to us:
X. In Conclusion -
March 2nd, 2004
The Internet is full of beautiful,
naked women. And to the men (and men) who search for Morgan
and end up here, let me be the prophet from logic before you hit
the backspace key:
When Morgan Webb is
nude, you will know it.
You will see it on every website
known to man. Yahoo will have the pictures. eBay will
have the pictures. Rancid fanpages on Geocities will have
them as tiled backgrounds. Goatse will somehow reappear
with Morgan Webb nude in his anus.
Don't waste your life looking for MORGAN WEBB NUDE, people.
Morgan Webb nude will come to us. Probably ten years after
anybody gives a shit, but come to us it will nonetheless.
Until then, immerse yourself in the readily available virtual
vagina and soak in however much of the moisture it takes to carry
on, because one day your ship will arrive, and on it will ride a
choir of smiling Hobbits and the beautiful naked body of a
computer girl who probably doesn't look that good naked anyway.
SHE'D
BETTER
OR I'LL
HACK THE OFFICIAL WEBSITE OF SPANDAU BALLET
INTO MY ARM
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