| Proud Member Of |
|
|
written by B originally for Lethal Wrestling
..::..9-7-2002..::..
"Few will
have the greatness to bend history; but each of us can work to
change a small portion of events, and in the total of all those
acts will be written the history of this generation ... It is
from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human
history is thus shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal,
or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against
injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing
each other from a million different centers of energy and daring,
those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest
walls of oppression and resistance. And hey, sweeping down the
mightiest walls of oppression and resistance is easy when you're
(pointing to self) R...F...K."
Day of Affirmation Address, University of Capetown, South
Africa, June 6, 2025
Robert F. Kennedy moved the people of South Africa that day with
his positive outlook on world relations, and the
"intraweb" that connects us all via ripples, and
currents, and numberless diverse acts of courage. I'm not sure, I
just skimmed it. But the people really took those words to heart.
Two of those people went home that afternoon and, ignoring
physical abnormalities and the general lack of comfort, put the
wang in the chung and conceived Dave Matthews. Ever since then
the country has been ravaged by Apartheid, until 1990 when
Matthews was shipped (in a cardboard box with a lot of scotch
tape wrapped around it) to Virginia, so he could make MY life a
living hell. He scared those people so much that one of them,
Nelson Mandela, hid in a jail for like thirty years.
"Hey Bill, what are you in for?"
"Blowjob." HA! TOPICAL JOKE TO THE MAX!
When Kennedy was
assassinated shortly after winning California's Democratic
primary in 1968, the world found themselves (and by
"themselves" I mean AMERICA because we are SO SUPREMELY
THE BOMB and all the other countries better talk to our elbows
cause they ain't worth THA EXTENSION) without a charismatic young
leader to help them forget that everything in the country
generally sucked. 1968 was a horrible time for our country -- we
were mired in the war in Vietnam, and a young Kevin Arnold was
trying desperately to cope with the oncoming rage of puberty that
would turn him from a young Shane-O Mac into an awkward muppet. A
few years later in 1971, two Battle Creek, Michigan residents
could not take the fact that they
a) Lived in the same state as the faggot Red Wings, and
b) Had to wear clothes that looked like THIS:
...so
they conceived the solution. Actually "conceived" is
shortening a longer story. They were having sex, and every time
the guy would thrust in he'd stop and look at himself in the
mirror and pose. Then the mother did two cartwheels and a
backflip onto his crotch. Then the sperm did tumbles through the
fallopian tubes before stopping in mid-swim to point at itself,
corkscrew backwards, and totally fertilize the egg. And dude,
fertilizing the egg is easy when you're R-V-D sperm.
That's right, Rob Van Dam was given the sweet breath of life to
save us all, but what has he really done? Does he understand his
purpose in life? Does he know that he is not merely a "WWE
Superstar" but has a higher calling? I hope to investigate
the similarities and differences between these two patriots who
have the greatness to bend history. And if you see any ripples,
or perform numberless acts of courage, just shrug your shoulders
and say "whatever."
VS. 
EDUCATION
Robert Francis Kennedy (the Kennedy that stole Pee-wee's bike)
was born on November 20, 1925, in Brookline, Massachusetts, the
seventh child in the closely knit and competitive family of Rose
and Joseph P. Kennedy. "I was the seventh of nine
children," he later recalled, "and when you come from
that far down you have to struggle to survive. Resistance was
futile. GET IT? Seventh of Nine? Haw haw!" Then he ended his
recollection by snorting and watching Buffy reruns on FX. FROM
THE GRAVE.
He attended Milton Academy and, after wartime service (oral and
anal) in the Navy, received his degree in government from Harvard
University in 1948. From then on he was forced to stitch a giant
"H" on the ass of whatever outfit he chose. He earned
his law degree from the University of Virginia Law School three
years later (in the same town where the Dave Matthews Band
originated...coincidence?). Perhaps more important for his
education was the Kennedy family dinner table, where his parents
involved their children in discussions of history and current
affairs. "I can hardly remember a mealtime," Robert
Kennedy said, "when the conversation was not dominated by
what Franklin D. Roosevelt was doing or what was happening in the
world. I sure was a big freaking tool, wasn't I?"
Can hardly remember a mealtime? (dramatic pause)
NOT FOR LONG!
Rob
Szatkowski studied martial arts at the two dojos Battle Creek had
to offer, which taught Tae Kwon Do at one and Karate, Kendo and
making poor quality American cars at the other, and eventually
spread out to other instructors like Kit Lykins, Billy Blanks,
and Raphael from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, because he had
sais and those were totally cool!!!!!!! "I started kick
boxing under the guidance of Kit Lykins, who was like a local
celeb. But that's not a big deal because we also think Sergei
Federov is a celebrity, but he's just a commie bastard with wavy
hair and puberty problems. By the time I started kick boxing, I
already knew I wanted to wrestle when I was old enough," Rob
Van Dam said, "I can hardly remember a mealtime when the
conversation was not dominated by how much weed it took for me to
not feel pain from being kicked in the center of the face."
WWE head announcer James Ross, famous for looking like a Popeye
and Bluto had a baby, often compliments Rob's "educated
feet," proclaiming that "one went to Yale and the other
went to Harvard." This is a high pedigree indeed, but one
has to question why two feet from the same person would choose to
go to two different schools. When right foot wanted to go to a
sissy art college I gave him a stern talking to and said "NO
FOOT OF MINE IS GOING TO A SCHOOL FOR HOMOS!" Then he cried
and ran upstairs and shut his door, and turned up The Cure so
loud I couldn't get a wink of sleep. My Left Foot, of course,
went on to be a war veteran.
Winner: Robert F. Kennedy
WHO
WOULD WIN THE WAR ON TERRORISM
At about 12:15 am on June 5, 1968, Sirhan Sirhan shot
presidential candidate RFK in the kitchen of the Ambassador Hotel
in Los Angeles when Kennedy would not stop badgering him about
the way he said "chowder." Sirhan was an Arab who had
emigrated to the United States in the 1950s and was reportedly
disturbed by Kennedy's sportsmanship and clean-cut good looks.
After a 1969 trial lasting nearly four months, Sirhan was
convicted and sentenced to death. That sentence was commuted to
life in prison and Sirhan has been in prison in California ever
since; his repeated applications for parole have been denied.
Sirhan Sirhan's brother, Duran Duran, could not be reached for
comment.
Rob Van Dam's closest relationship with the terrorism was probably his on-again off-again relationship with Sabu. The partnership was born from a fierce rivalry, when Van Dam needed a partner to face off against Doug Furnas and Phillip LaFon, two wrestlers most famous for being named after household wares. Sabu and Rob V.D. would've dominated the ECW tag team ranks for years if not for the fact that Van Dam was gaining an unnatural popularity every day and Sabu could not open a can of Beenie Weenies without breaking six fingers and unhinging his jaw. They are best remembered for their Garth Brooks inspired finisher, "Rolling Thunder," which involves both wrestlers rolling together on the ground before shooting their husbands for cheating on them. The relationship ended when Rob decided to go make millions of dollars and Sabu decided to go wrestle with old people and novelty rappers.
Also I have recently learned (thanks to anti-BIG TOBACCO commercials) that since Rob Van Dam does drugs he helps fund the terrorists of 9/11. He also is indirectly responsible for helping fund Cheech and Chong movies, including the Corsican Brothers, objectively one of the worst films of all time. How many jokes can you POSSIBLY MAKE ABOUT MARIJUANA? Just make one really good one and go help Nash Bridges and Yasmine Bleeth and Stone Cold solve mysteries.
Winner: R...F... ... ...K.
WHO HAS STUPIDER LOOKING CLOTHES
Robert F. Kennedy normally wore a sharp suit with a nice tie.
I wouldn't "sell" this singlet if my life
depended on it!
Rob Van Dam owns a wrestling singlet with a big airbrushed drawing of a snake on it. I wish Van Dam would contact me the next time he needs fresh singlets, I can pick some up when I go to buy someone's old baseball commons and a ceramic vase that looks like a pig. I wonder if they smell like old man and cigar, like everything else at the flea market?
Winner: ROB......... VAN........ ROB, oh, wait, crap.
WHO WOULD SELL THE INJURY
Busboy Juan Romero and waiter Martin Patrusky saw Sirhan approach Kennedy, as did Lisa Urso, a San Diego high school student. Urso saw Sirhan push his way past her towards the Senator. She thought he was going to shake his hand, then saw a movement that made her stop in her tracks in frightened anticipation. Vincent DiPierro, a waiter who had observed Sirhan standing and talking to a pretty girl in a white, polka dotted dress earlier that night, heard someone yell "Grab him" a split second before the shots were fired. Somebody reported Sirhan saying, "Kennedy, you son of a bitch," and then firing at Kennedy with his hand outstretched.
COME ON COME ON CLICK CLICK BOOOOOM
Kennedy fell from the grasp of his bodyguards and fell to the ground. Screams were heard as bystanders Paul Schrade, William Weisel, Ira Goldstein, Erwin Stroll and Elizabeth Evans were hit by flying bullets. Kennedy suffered gunshot wounds in three different places, with a fourth bullet passing through his coat without entering the skin.
Duuuude! That tickles.
Two Sundays ago at Summerslam 2002 (strangely enough while the made for TV movie "RFK" aired on FX) Rob Van Dam was in the Crippler Crossface like seven thousand times and looked like he was in SOOO much pain, grabbing his shoulder and making that face he always makes, where it looks like he stumped his toe and accidentally pooped in his fannypack. Then he did eleven cartwheels and rolled around on his shoulder before miraculously being completely okay. I think if we could find a happy medium between Rob's complete ignorance towards being hurt and Sabu's "staggering around to die because he took a really big step" we'd have the perfect wrestler. Oh wait, we already do. His name is ALMOST EVERY WRESTLER EVER.
Winner: ROB F'N KENNEDY
WHO DESERVES A BIGGER PUSH
Winner: OH YEAH YOU READ RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER
CONCLUSION
Sometimes words speak louder than actions.
"On
this generation of Americans falls the burden of proving to the
world that we really mean it when we say all men are created free
and are equal before the law. All of us might wish at times that
we lived in a more tranquil world, but we don't. And if our times
are difficult and perplexing, so are they challenging and filled
with opportunity."
Robert F. Kennedy
"Whatever."
Rob Van Dam
WINNER
ROB F.
KEN
how ya like them apples?
