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P-Boi
Invades!
Liberally
borrowed from www.the7lev
www.x-enter
not borrowed
written by b - october 7th - 2003
Hey guys. I know I haven't been doing a lot of posting lately... in fact I haven't posted for about three months... but it's been a really difficult and exciting time for me lately and I wasn't sure how to write about it. It all started earlier this year when I found out that I'd gotten my girlfriend pregnant. I didn't do it on purpose or anything. She was on top, you see, and we were reenacting that scene in Fight Club where Brad Pitt tells Edward Norton that the first rule of Fight Club is that there are no rules! When she was up to rule six (my girlfriend was Brad Pitt... don't I wish!) which is the sixth rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club, I was temporarily mentally dismembered by the irony of talking about not talking about something. I mean it was just such a crazy concept! By the time I figured out what she was talking about I had expunged my child and several dozen of her dead little brothers and sisters into my girlfriend's bingo. I was just like Jared Leto. Boy was my face red!
Two months ago the
baby was born, so we named it Baby and made it wear a big diaper
and bonnet even though it couldn't sit up straight. When that
wore off and we actually had to start paying attention to it we
named it "Christina Benoit Stroud." The middle name is
pronounced "Ben-Wah," because she was named after my
favorite character from Star Wars, O Benoit Kenobi. AND BOY HAS
OUR LIVES CHANGED SINCE WE HAD A BABY! We don't even have any of
the sex anymore. And we can't get a wink of sleep! The baby wakes
us up at all hours of the night. Sometimes even with crying and
the tears! It's so inconvenient. My girlfriend tries to nudge me
and make me check on Christina, but I figured out that if I
pretend that I'm in a deep sleep long enough she eventually
leaves me alone. I wouldn't want to have to change a baby's dirty
diapers in the middle of the night! That situation would be as
ugly as my In-laws! And what's the deal with airline food?
I'm just kidding about not wanting to take care of the kid. Over
the past few weeks she's really started to grow on me, and I'm
not just talking about the thin layer of mucous and spit-up
between us that has gelled into an adhesive as she naps on my
stomach during Sanford and Son reruns. I can't wait until she's
old enough to want more out of life than what I can give her. It
will give me a chance to curmudgeonly chain her to a life of
mediocrity by faking heart attacks and threatening her with
physical violence.
My girlfriend is half-Japanese (God dammit, she does it to me
every time), which should explain why I'm whiter than Alan Thicke
and the baby is darker. We have a lot of culture issues to
overcome, like how we celebrate certain holidays. I want my child
to believe in Santa Claus, she wants my child to believe in an
Annual Gift Man who lives on the moon. I want my child to know
that it's okay if she tries and doesn't succeed. My girlfriend
wants my child to live in constant fear of having to stab herself
in the stomach if she doesn't succeed. It's retarded, but since
we aren't married I don't have any kind of legal control over
her. I should buy a collar. But yeah, I totally know it's my
baby, because I'm the only person she ever spends time with.
Except for that time she spent in New York learning to shake her
Caucasian tendencies and dance in the hip hop style. What was she
doin' there, two-steppin'??
One holiday we're excited to share together is Halloween. The
online Dictionary by Merriam-Webster defines Halloween as October
31st, observed especially with dressing up in disguise, trick or
treating, and displaying jack-o'-lanterns during the evening. My
girlfriend wanted to dress Christina up as a bumble bee. I
thought that was totally queer. I wanted to dress her up as
Japanese wrestling superstar Keiji Mutoh. This would be sweet,
'cause I could put her on somebody's knee, and when they least
expect it I could catapult her off the knee and throw her into
their heads. I know for a fact that the assholes on my street
would replace their toothbrushes with some gee-dee Milky Way bars
if threatened with the Shining Wizard. In conclusion, it is very
easy to compare and contrast Halloween.
We are both living on a prayer, so we don't have a lot of money.
I tend bar at the local Applebees while she holds on to her
dreams of being a sandy-haired rebel boy country singer. I don't
think the world is ready for a Japanese country singer. But we've
got a Canadian country singer who sings 1% country and 99% pop,
meaning that she sings pop songs with a steel guitar worked into
the chorus, and she's got everybody brainwashed into thinking
she's great. I suggested that we just paint whiskers on Christy's
face and say she's a cat, because that's the shitty costume that
teen girls go for when they don't have any creative merit. I said
this because I was snotty and pissed because the Mutoh costume
was rejected, and I see no better way to express my displeasure
then by taking it out on my child. I was handed a ten dollar bill
and asked to find a suitable costume for a two month old. I tried
stretching my socks over Christina's head but her head is all
soft, and they keep getting squishy or popping off. So I took my
ten spot to a place where I can get ten times the value.
The Dollar Store!
There is no better place for the kitschy Generation Y-er in my
insides to get that prancing queervo gold out of my system. Have
you ever been to the dollar store? It's such a wacky experience!
Such a wacky experience that I decided to document it on film to
preserve this special time in my life when I'm making my facial
hair into little points and I'm listening to The Smiths too much.
There was so much I could buy! Kitchen supplies! Plastic plates!
The comedy options are slash were endless. I wanted to take
pictures with the people who worked there, but they were mean and
looked kind of ethnic so I was totally scared to interact with
them on a personal level. I'm going to make sure my child grows
up with the same white pride that I have.
So what did I buy? Come on, ask it. Type it on your computer and
say it out loud in the Stephen Hawking computer narrator voice,
so I can pretend hear it.
WHY THANK YOU FOR AXE-ING THIS IS WHAT I BOUGHT
item 1 - SPAM
Dude, check it out, I
totally bought Spam when I was at the Dollar Store. It comes in
like a rectangular pudding can, and when you open it it stays in
rectangular shape. It's like cranberry sauce filled with gross
looking meat. I remember watching a video with the Monty Pythons
on it where they start chanting SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM and I
remember it being really funny. I wish I could remember more, but
whenever I think about the times watching videos in my friend's
basement all I can remember are four-man games of Goldeneye and
cherries soaked in Everclear.
Joke of the Day! What do cherries soaked in Everclear say?
Answer: WHOAAA. OOOOH. NOOOO. YEAAAH. OOH. YEAAAH. NOOOO
Art Alexakis. More like Art Alexsuckass! Ooh, your dad was so
mean to you! What a sad life you've lived! You're as hardcore as
the Goo Goo Dolls. Shut up and dye your facial hair.
I thought Spam would be the most nostalgic thing I could find at
the Dollar Store, but look what else I found at the Dollar Store
that was nostalgic at the Dollar Store!!!
item 2 - THE CROW
PEZ DISPENSER
caw caw bang fuck I'm filled with candy
Eric Draven was
brutally murdered by a gang of laughing thugs in a room
apparently only lit with a red lightbulb. He was brought back to
life (by crow CPR, like Catwoman was with cats) to avenge the
death of his wife! Now, using the creepy powers of the living
dead, the eyes of a crow, and the guitar of rock and roll, he
fights for honor and justice. When he isn't out fighting for
justice or rocking out he enjoys letting people eat pieces of
candy out of his neck.
This was an awesome find because I love collecting Gothic things.
I collect Living Dead Dolls because it's really cool when
children's toys are turned into children's toys wearing fishnets.
I also ran out and got a Skinny Puppy tattoo on my right
shoulder, but I haven't gotten around to listening to their music
yet. But I think Evanescence is a great band, and they're Gothic,
so I'm guessing it's the same thing. The only time I ever get to
dress up in the Gothic lifestyle is when I go out, like to the
mall, where my friends and I sit in the foodcourt and scowl at
the single mothers in tube tops buying number two combos at the
Chick-Fil-A. I also love eating pieces of candy out of peoples'
necks, so this is a perfect fit.
So I had eight dollars left. And then I found...
item 3 - COREY
HAIM LUCAS POSTER
I wanted to decorate my living room wall with the movie that
taught the world the first rule of football safety: never take
your helmet off on the field.
Lucas with the lid off
Corey Haim, in the
title role of Lucas, plays a nerdy teen who quits the band and
joins the football team to impress a Goonie, played by Kerri
Green. Lucas is the unique story of teenagers caught in love
triangles. Haim's perky bandmate Winona Ryder has unrequited love
for Lucas. Lucas has an unrequited love for Kerri Green, who has
an unrequited love for football star Charlie Sheen. Meanwhile,
Troy has an unrequited love for Kerri Green, and when he tries to
pull her up from the wishing well he just gets his sweater on a
bucket. And his friends don't realize that they're not pulling up
a girl because I guess a girl only weighs as much as a sweater.
ANDYYYYYYYYYYYYY YOU GOOOONIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Also look for Jeremy Piven in his debut role as
"Spike." Piven plays a vampire who ruins the show.
item 4 - COLOR ME
BADD ON CASSETTE
Dream on, dream
away... I think I'm gonna have to stay... stay... in the Dollar
Store forever! I adore this cassette mi amour, so much so that I
purchased a ladder a few days later in an attempt to sex the
cassette up. As you may remember, Color Me Badd is the sexy young
supergroup that took America by storm something like a decade
ago. The group, consisting of (from left to right) The Guy from
Sevendust, NKOTB Bad Boy Donnie Wahlberg, Kenny G, and George
Michael, had so many number one hits that I can't even remember
them all! I remember dancing at my junior prom to their big hit
"I Swear," which was also covered by John Michael
Montgomery and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Then they did that
video where they all fuck the same chick and then Screech from
Saved by the Bell marries her.
But, since they asked me to:
My English teacher
really hated this group. "Color Me Baddly!" she'd
always say. So I'd start to sing, which would put her to sleep,
and then I'd draw all over her face in magic marker, thereby
completing the joke by using poor artistic skill. Except for that
one time when she made everybody read "Murder in the
Cathedral" by T.S. Eliot. I drew on her face with a knife
that time.
Words of Wisdom from Color Me Badd: Ewww, girl.
Ewww. Eww eww eww. Girl girl. Ewww.
"Damn."
item 5 -HOLOGRAM
SUNGLASSES
extreme and in-your-face apparitions
I only had six
dollars left, but I HAD to have these super cool hologram
sunglasses. Sadly the actual sunglasses themselves are not
holograms, so when you wear them you don't look like a raver or
the back of an Upper Deck trading card. The sunglasses manipulate
your line of sight to simulate a hologram effect in the lens. So
it's like you're looking into a kaleidoscope. And the lenses are
round, so it's easy to pretend that you're John Lennon at the
peak of his drug abuse. This of course would be the album
"Double Fantasy," where he was smoking hash so strong
that he let Yoko do every other song by herself. Paul McCartney
would later simulate a similar judgment by being stoned enough to
marry a lady with one leg and record fifteen horrible solo
albums.
On a sad note, I'd like to extend my condolences to the McCartney
family. First Linda McCartney dies of cancer. Now Sir Paul faces
another tragic loss, after his second wife Heather Mills was
shoved down the stairs by Brock Lesnar.
So I left the Dollar Store (they were closing) with a bag full of
goodies. There are so many things I could dress Christina up as
now! A Monty Python enthusiast. A sugar toothed zombie rocker. I
could wrap her in the poster and says he's the movie Lucas.
Thankfully my girlfriend was asleep when I got home, so I was off
the hook when I got home. I crept silently into bed and whispered
goodnight, and she was none the wiser. Possibly because she was
sleeping over at Sean Patrick Thomas's house.
Hours later I awoke in a daze. Halloween was only up to four
weeks away! I had to think fast, lest my child be the laughing
stock of her clique. The last thing I want is for my daughter to
be laughed at by a bunch of idiot parents who don't know that
when you get to twelve months your child is ONE. Your child is
not twenty-three months old, they're ONE. And stop putting those
headbands with the flowers on them on your bald child. It's just
embarrassing for the child. I thought about dressing my kid up as
"Sex with Brian Kendrick and Carla Gugino" for
Halloween, but then I remembered that that was just what I was
dreaming about. So off to the Walmart I went at three in the
morning.
Walmart is such an
awesome store. It's even sunny outside at three in the morning.
Armed with my digital camera, four dollars and change, and a baby
strapped haphazardly in a carseat, I began my late night quest to
find the perfect Halloween costume for a child with no cognizant
thought process. MAYBE I SHOULD DRESS HER UP AS A REPUBLICAN I
say to myself. And then I laugh and laugh. There isn't a damn
thing in the universe I enjoy talking about more than politics.
Remember that episode of Diff'rent Strokes where First Lady Nancy
Reagan lectures Arnold's classroom about drugs? Remember that?
Remember Rubix Cube? The eighties were awesome. In conclusion,
Walmart and the 80's are awesome.
All I could find in costumes for young girls were Devils and
Cats.
costume is in the cradle ... zing pow
These are both sexist
and goofy, because they both come with bowties. I've never seen a
cat wearing a bowtie, and if I die and go to Hell the last thing
I want the devil to look like is Pee-wee Herman. Scratch that.
The last thing I want the devil to look like is a six year old in
skintight red spandex.
If I dress my child in blue people think she's a boy. If I dress
her in pink, people think she's a girl. If I dress her in yellow
they have no idea. Or they think she's Chinese, because people
are racist. And since I don't want my child subjected to such
racism I decided to look for a unisex costume, one that will let
my child get into character without taking her genitals into
consideration. The last thing I want is for my daughter to
consider her genitals. That's the only rule I have so far: Don't
Explore. I hope to have at least seven more simple rules before
she turns thirteen.
Hey, did anybody else hope John Ritter's death was just another
one of those crazy misunderstandings? Or that he was a robot, and
was going to come back to try to choke Katey Segal to death? Or
that he's still on television in the afterlife, dancing with Salt
N Pepa?
I miss John Ritter. :(
These are the best unisex costumes I could come up with, without
dressing her up as "unisex."
PIRATE
Pirates are all the rage these days, thanks to the Johnny
Depp/Archery Elf vehicle "Pirates of the Caribbean,"
one of the biggest and most yar-filled movies of the summer. I
went to see the movie and it was rated P for Pirate!!
No wait I messed up
It was rated R
Like the pirate noise R
Like when they say arrrr
I just made that joke up myself
did you see what I did there
lol
I decided not to dress Christy up as a pirate (even with that
bitchin' pirate sword that comes in the kit) because no matter
how cool a pirate is he's still a pirate, which makes him a butt
pirate, which is a term to describe a homosexual. My daughter is
not a homosexual! She is just a baby. But I did find her sitting
in her crib yesterday listening to Ani Difranco. So yeah,
"no" on pirate.
CLOWN
Look at the kid on the cover of the clown costume package. Here,
I'll show you again.
Look at his hair. His
Mom won't even pay eight bucks to get his hair cut professionally
at the SuperCuts, of course she isn't going to pay more than
eight bucks on a Halloween costume. And look at the big red nose.
It's HUGE. His Mom should tell everyone that she dressed him up
as "Getting Hit in the Face with Racquetball." Or maybe
she should just put the bowl she used to cut his hair back on his
head and pass him off as Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
I'm not dressing my daughter as a clown until she's at least old
enough to use that "But, I'm funny how? Funny like a clown?
I amuse you? I make you laugh?" spiel from Goodfellas. Then
I'll get her to beat the other kids in the head with a baseball
bat. But only the kids who don't have the same skin color. Which
is like...kind of olive, but a little bit darker. So a lot of
kids are going to get fucked up on Halloween.
NINJA
THERE WE GO. Nice and racist. Ninjas are awesome, and by awesome
I mean totally sweet. The only problem I have with this costume
is the throwing stars, or "shuriken" as we former Ninja
Turtles fans call them. They've got a plastic ring around them.
How are those things supposed to hurt anybody? The plastic points
on the stars aren't even sharp, so unless you're a kid with a
mean streak who wants to sit on somebody's chest a la Magnum T.A.
and drive plastic edges into the other kid's eyes you're safe.
Ringed shuriken are like Nerf arrows, the ultimate cock tease.
So I decided to buy her the ninja costume with my remaining
four-something and head home. After all, I've still got the
katana blade that I earned training with SHIDOSHI, which he
totally owed me, because I saved his pussy
I-can't-survive-the-Kumite-wah-wah son from bullies at school. I
still don't see how tying me spread eagle to a tree helped
anything other than his raging Asian boner.
The Following takes place between 3 AM and 4 AM:
As I was driving home from Walmart I looked in my rearview mirror
and saw blue and red flashing lights. I didn't really know if I'd
been speeding or whatever, and I'd just been drinking fuzzy
navels all night, which aren't nearly masculine enough to effect
my blood-alcohol content. Things were going fine until the cop
got suspicious and looked into the trunk of my car. He found the
dead body of the woman who employs me as her baby-sitter!
3:15:45
3:15:46
3:15:47
Obviously I hadn't killed the woman. She was killed by her
abusive husband the day before and stuffed into the trunk of this
car, which I stole. The cops didn't know this of course, and were
all "GET YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR," and "I SAID GET
YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR." Like I'm deaf! I've got two
perfectly good ears thank you. So they're all waving their guns
at me and I don't know what to do, but thankfully my boyfriend
Miguel jumped into action with his vicious back-leg front-kick.
This allowed us to escape, albeit only briefly.
3:24:21
3:24:22
3:24:23
Around this time we set a cop on fire, which made ABSOLUTELY NO
SENSE, and I picked up a copy of Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might
Be a Redneck If..." day calendar. Here is a webcam shot!
3:43:05
3:43:06
3:43:07
Later I found refuge (and refuse) in a mountain cabin. If you
don't pay attention to bear traps lying about, the creepy
mountain cabin hermit who may or not be a sexual deviant, and the
cougars trying to kill you it's a pretty swank place.
Not-Unabomber also conveniently had a wifebeater for me to change
into after my shower, for optimum nipple performance.
So that concludes my
day. I'm still sitting here in the cabin, typing on Ted
Cant-zynski's computer, which only has AOL 4.0 and takes an hour
to dial up. I've actually got about 90 more articles written, but
a lot of them are written on scraps of paper in notebooks that I
have back at the actual house, where the abusive father is lying
in wait to kill me.
In conclusion, raising a child is hard work!
3:59:58
3:59:59
4:00:00
The end*
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
*?