The Rating
the Lesbians series has brought increased coverage to Progressive
Boink since it's inception over one month ago. Volume one increased
our hits by over fifty-five thousand in a single day. The simple
"easily viewable pictures and equally skippable words"
formula has gotten the Boink linked on popular sites like Maxim Online and Fark. How can we
keep this up? How can we find more and more lesbian kisses and sex
scenes to cover to keep this trend on the upswing? WHY THAT'S EASY
THANKS FOR ASKING GUY.
Hollywood loves the objectification
of women and subcultures! Haven't you ever seen a Troma film? They
rule, but they're laced tightly with objectification. Did you ever
see Barbershop, or it's sequel, the cleverly named Barbershop 2?
It explores two very important American subcultures, African-Americans
and stupid unfunny assholes. Until this oppression ends we stand
as soldiers of fortune in a world we didn't make, so just do your
business and move along. We update every Tuesday. Sometimes we write
about cartoons!
In conclusion, Barbershop
2 should've been called "The Same Barbershop Again." Barbershop
3 could be "Barbershop 3: DIE BARBERS DIE."
The end.
Alyssa
Milano and Charlotte Lewis
 
Film: Embrace of the Vampire (1994)
She: The boss? Wait, no.
She: George Costanza's bulimic
model ex-girlfriend.
Emily: Does anyone remember that episode of "Friends" when
Ross and Chandler have to explain to Joey who Gandalf (the Wizard)
is? And then they say, "didn't you read The Lord of
the Rings in high school?" And Joey's response is,
"No, I had sex in high school." Well though most
of my friends in high school were semi-Joeys ('sup Emma?), I was
very much a Ross. I didn't spend all my time in the basement
making music on my casio, but I also didn't have a father who ran
off to become a transvestite and run a gay male burlesque in Vegas.
For that matter, I didn't read Lord of the Rings either.
But I did spend many a weekend night curled up with a bag of Mister Bee BBQ chips, watching "MonsterVision" with Joe-Bob Briggs.
Possibly one of the most enjoyable experiences to come out of me
being a loser dork in high school is the discovery of this movie.
I LOVE "Embrace of the Vampire." It's SO the most
ideal of crappy straight-to-video movies, a medium that Alyssa Milano
perfected during her Skank Period.
Now, because my original viewing of this movie was on TNT, I obviously
was shrouded from all the lesbian-y goodness. In fact, they
had to edit the film so much to cut out all the fucking that Charlotte
Lewis' character is completely unnecessary and seems to just randomly
show up for no reason. At some point she says something about
wanting Alyssa to come to her room to "photograph" her
(she play like, a Sexy Resident Advisor, that old cliche).
It shows half a second of her holding a camera, then goes to commercial.
Now, having seen the dirty parts, I realize that Lewis' character
is just as unncessary as I thought, except unedited you get the
added bonus of watching her do the ol' squeezy squeezy on Milano's
implants. Which reminds me. . . .GET AN EYEFULL GUYS BECAUSE IN
.2 SECONDS ALYSSA MILANO'S MOM IS GONNA MAKE US TAKE THESE PICTURES
DOWN!
The moral of the story is this; the scene isn't anything great,
or even of any consequence really. You could see better on
Skinamax. Unless Shannon Tweed was in the movie. She's kinda
icky. But once I saw a soft-core porn about witches. It was really
cool. But, if given the choice, there's not a girl alive that
wouldn't choose sex with Charlotte Lewis over the film's male protagonist,
this guy.
B: My situation is a little different. I don't
know if you guys have been able to tell by the almost one thousand
pieces of online literature I've published since my Celebrity Superfight
Main-Event page back in 1998, but I am a fan of professional wrestling.
No, really, I am! In fact, I even know the secrets of pro wrestling!
Did you know that they stomp when they punch? Whoops, I may have
said too much! But do you remember the episode of "Friends"
where Phoebe and Rachel are talking about 1980's Puroresu and Phoebe
has to explain who Tiger Mask is? And she says "didn't you
see Tokyo Kuramae Kokugikan on 4/23/81 when Tiger Mask debuted against
Dynamite Kid?" And Rachel's response is, "No, I had sex
in the Tokyo Kuramae Kokugikan." Well though most of my friends
in high school were semi-Rachels (hello again, Emma), I was very
much a Phoebe. So when my friends were having sex I was watching
this guy:
And then when it came time for
me to actually HAVE sex (with the blessing of an ordained Christian
marriage and my savior the Great I Am Jehovah Jesus Christ) the
only girl I could get it up for was a girl who looked like this:
So I don't really know a lot about
vampires or lesbians. But once I saw a soft-core porn about tigers.
It was really cool.
Thom Yorke says:
"She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love"
-- Fake Plastic Trees, "The Bends"
The P-Boi Sapphometer
Reading: 2.5 Sappho
 
Salma
Hayek and Ashley Judd
 
Film: Frida (2003)
She: The woman who fulfills every Internet boy's
fantasy. By sleeping with Edward Norton.
She: A large piece of skin that fell off one day
when they were bathing Wynonna.
B: "Bisexual Mexican artist Frida Kahlo has
become an international icon for the power and intensity of her
art, and the extraordinary suffering that she experienced in life."
Read that sentence again and tell me what stands out most to you.
International icon. Power and intensity of her art.
Extraordinary suffering. I imagine that Salma Hayek worked
diligently to write the most honest and incredible script she could
in preparation to play one of her heroes on the silver screen.
Then I imagine that Ed Norton sauntered into the room, filpped through
a few pages of the script, tossed it to the ground and muttered,
"Why aren't you making out with more chicks in this?"
in his Ed Norton kind of way. Then I imagine that Ed Norton
grabbed himself by the tie and flipped himself a la invisible Brad
Pitt through his own Yin Yang coffee table for sticking his swastika-tattooed
dick in everybody's vaginal business. So she liked girls sometimes.
If given two hours to depict the life of an amazing person do we
need to see them fucking? Much less see them fucking five
times?
Also, memo to Ashley Judd: There is a scary skeleton trying
desperately to leap from your perky old flesh. Your family
worked so hard to build a bridge of love between their hearts and
mine. The last thing they need is an Army of Darkness crossing
it.
Emily:
The first thing I thought when I saw the picture was, "What
the hell is wrong with Ashley Judd's body?" She's got that
wretchedly skinny thing going on and she isn't wearing a bra under
her polka-dot dress. So you can totally see her boobs are flat and
kinda saggy, and she's got little triangles pointing off in opposite
directions. Love needs to build a bridge between her heart and the
Dairy Queen.
On the flip side, Edward
Norton and Salma Hayek are as close as you can get to "Perfect
Emily Fantasy Couple," so the fact that she makes out with
Norton on a regular basis makes up for her having to kiss Judd here.
Consider it as karma. Consider that the kisses of good (Norton)
and of evil (Judd) need each other to exist, like Neo and Agent
Smith. Ergo, I accept this. WHY WHY DO YOU GET UP WHY KEEP GETTING
UP WHY WHY
Thom Yorke says:
"I been where I liked
I slept with who I liked
she ate me up for breakfast
and screwed me in a vice"
-- Myxomatosis, "Hail to the Thief"
The P-Boi Sapphometer
Reading: 2 Sappho
Uma Thurman
and Rain Phoenix
Film: Even Cowgirls Get the Blues (1993)
She: Loves it when she comes back from the bathroom
and finds her food waiting for her. A QUOTE FROM PULP FICTION THE
MOVIE.
She: Loves it when she digs in her armpit hair
and finds food.
Emily: Okay, I think I mentioned in a previous
RTL that Uma is a long established girl kisser. Here, she's
making out with what may or may not be Joaquin Phoenix in drag.
Actually, though I'm not one to point the Fugly Stick, I'm a bit
torn on little rain. On the one hand, the girl Phoenixs seem
to posess about 1/8 the talent of their brothers. I mean,
look at River Phoenix in "Stand By Me." Look at
Joaquin in "Quills." Now compare that to say, Summer
Phoenix's star turn as "F@#k You Girl" in "The Faculty,"
a movie I admittedly loved when it was released, and now I realize
to be. . . .not good. But, on the other hand, little (I'm
not shitting you) Rainbow Joan of Arc Phoenix is actually not bad
in this movie. She's not GOOD mind you, but. . . well, let me explain.
I love Tom Robbins' books. They're completely strange and
off the wall, and he has a very amateurish, talking-directly-to-the-camera
style, but he makes it work. That being said, Even Cowgirls
Get the Blues is a book about a girl from Richmond born with
gigantic thumbs, who spends her days hitch hiking, become a famous
douche spokesmodel, and then marries an Indian. It features
a Truman Capote-esque character who thinks himself to be a Russian
count, and a health spa full of femal ranch hands. In the
middle of all this is a character named Bonanza Jellybean (which,
by the way, is right up there with Atticus Finch as one of the best
names in literary history). Jelly is the head cowgirl, who
falls in love with Big Thumb Girl, then gets shot and dies (sorry
if I spoiled it for any of you folks planning to read the book.
That was published in the '70s).
Reading that description, it's probably not surprising that this
is one of the foulest, most shoddily-assembled train wrecks I've
ever seen. It's just bits and bobs of the plot thrown together,
with no explanation of why it's so weird. Also, Lorraine Bracco.
But again, Rain. . .not so bad. She's not a stellar actress,
but she seems to be the only person with some iota of a clue what
her character should be doing. Whereas Uma plays Sissy (did
I mention the main character's name is SISSY? Sorry about that)
as a half-retarded Southerner, Rain. . . I won't say she "get
it right," but she might've if she weren't the Jermaine.
Getting back on topic, the lesbionics are actually kind of sweet
and nice. Well, as sweet and nice as something that involves
a woman in a crane costume with prostetic thumbs can be. Whereas
I said that Uma's scene in "Henry and June" lacked any
real feeling of emotion for the other actress, here things are much
more subtle and, consequently, real. I know the guys out there
want every scene to be "Wild Things," but in a world chock
full of ratings stunt muff-divers, sometimes it's nice to see two
women who just seem genuine.
B: Basically,
Emily:
OH. Forget it.
Thom Yorke says:
"Grow my hair, grow
my hair, I am Jim Morrison,
grow my hair, I wanna be, wanna be, wanna be Jim Morrison."
-- Anyone Can Play Guitar, "Pablo Honey"
The P-Boi Sapphometer
Reading: Negative 5 Sappho
Chloe Sevigny
and Michelle Williams
 
Film:
If These Walls Could Talk 2 (2000)
She: Sucking literal dick in "Brown Bunny."
She: Sucking figurative dick on "Dawson's
Creek."
B: "If These Walls Could Talk 2" started
off well, believe it or not. The HBO movie is shown in three
parts, each in different decades, depicting the struggles that homosexual
women go through in every day life. The first segment features
Vanessa Redgrave in the '60s as a retired school teacher who suddenly
loses her lifelong companion. It deals with life, love, and
loss in a mature and heartbreaking way. Then, to follow it
up, we get NAKED GRRRRRRRRRRRL PARTY GUYYYYYYYYYSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Set in That '70s Decade, segment two deals with a college coed (Michelle
Williams, Jen from "Dawson's Creek" and all-around Duckface)
and her relationship with macho macho man Chloe Sevigny, who rides
motorcycles and wears bandanas and defends her spot as the biggest
dog in the yard. The movie does the same lesbian movie thing
that every other fucking sexy lesbian movie does: two girls
meet, they look at each other funny and bite their own lips, and
then they kiss, and OH WON'T YOU PLEASE COME THE FUCK HOME BILL
BAILEY they're in love. Then they sex. They sex CONSTANTLY.
We get at least five minutes of denim vagina rubbing in this scene.
And I don't mind seeing girls naked, but by the end of this all
I really wanted to do was have sex with Fonzie from Happy Days.
Ah well, segment three featured Ellen Degeneres naked, so bad lesbian
cliche or not, let this scene go on for ever and ever.
Emily:
Thom Yorke says:
"I wish it was the sixties,
I wish I could be happy"
-- The Bends, "The Bends"
The P-Boi Sapphometer
Reading: 2.5 Sappho
Meredith
Viera and Lisa Ling
Television Show: The View (1997 - )
She: View co-host who was offered a spread in Playboy
magazine; husband subsequently stricken blind.
She: Former View co-host who's success causes Rawley
Valverde to shit his pantalones.
Emily: Watching "The View" makes me want to shove a broomstick
into my girl hole and jump off of the refrigerator. Honestly
every one of those women are so completely boring, knee-jerk liberal
and middle of the road that I don't blame Barbara Walters for looking
like a cat's ass every time she's on screen. The hardest one
to digest is by far Meredith Viera, which is amazing when Star Jones
and Joy Behar exist in the world. Who told Meredith Viera
that she's a MILF? Or that anyone wants to hear her talk about
dildos? Honest to God, for a woman who's all about her children,
she has little to no clue about what kind of ribbing they must be
taking from schoolmates (what the hell? I just turned into an old
British chap as I typed that sentence) when their mom is all on
TV talking about the size of their Dad's penis. Then again,
I'm sure all of her kids have TiVo and nicer cars then mine, so
maybe I should talk to my mom about wrangling a TV deal.
Now, when Lisa Ling got hired I was THIS close to making an exception
about "The View." Why? Because it makes me happy
to see anyone from "Channel 1" make good. I was
happy when Serena Altschul showed up beside The Loder on MTV, and
thrilled when my Prematurely Gray Boyfriend Anderson Cooper became
an ABC news stalwart/host of "The Mole." But the problem
is that Lisa Ling is really boring. Granted, I was really
jealous of her when she was dating that hot underwear model from
"The Fast and the Furious," but still. At least Debbie
Metanopolous was good for making fun of. And, honestly, Ling
was better than the revolving door of new "young girls"
that have replaced her (a list which includes some chick from "Survivor"
with A Very Pointy Face, and a Bunim-Murray alumna), but it doesn't
change the fact that she seemed like the lone Charlotte in a room
full of Samanthas (someone kill me for making a "Sex and the
City" reference. Please.).
So, what we've learned here is that Meredith Viera is an attention
whore who's just aching to force her children into pill addiction,
and Lisa Ling is as exciting as a box of hair. This is not an equation
that equals out to "hot girl-on-girl makeout action."
Why are they kissing? Who knows, maybe they're trying to impress
Hugh Downes out in the audience. Or maybe Walters is waiting
backstage with a cat-o'-nine-tails to beat them into submission
if they don't make Dr. Phil's reject audience members whoop in amazement.
Or, most likely, they think faux-bisexuality will show how crazy
and empowered they are. I swear to God there's nothing I hate more
than empowered females. PS No hatemail please.
Really, the most entertaining thing about this whole scenario is
that the screencap B found was from "Talk Soup." HAL SPARKS++
B:
"I just shit my pantalones."
Thom Yorke says:
"so sell your suit and
tie and come and live with me
leukemia schizophrenia polyethylene
there is no significant risk to your health
she used to be beautiful once as well"
-- Polyethylene, "Paranoid Android CD1" & "Airbag/How
Am I Driving? EP"
The P-Boi Sapphometer
Reading: Negative 1 Sappho, +3 Sappho for Rawley.
Debra
Messing and Megan Mullally
 
Television Show: Will and Grace (1998 - )
She: "and Grace."
She: "Will" make me kill myself.
B: HATED IT.
Emily: HATED IT.
Thom Yorke says:
HATED IT
The P-Boi Sapphometer
Reading: HATED IT
Anne
Heche and Joan Chen
 
Film: Wild Side (1995)
She: Did for showers prefaced with masturbation
in "Psycho" what Alfred Hitchcock did for showers in "Psycho."
She: One of many in the Chinese phonebook.
Emily: Call me crazy (see what I did there?), but
the first time I saw these pictures I laughed my heiny off.
Like, for some reason, Anne Heche's ass is an instrument of insane
comedy potential, to me. Look at it! All hangin' out. Then
when I actually did research I found out that this (stolen without
permission straight from the Internet Movie Data Base, of course)
is the plot outline:
Alex Lee (Anne Heche) is a Long
Beach bank executive who moonlights as a $1,500-a-night call girl
for financial purposes which takes a turn when one of her clients,
Bruno Buckingham (Christopher Walken) is an international money
launder/handler who takes an instant liking to Alex. But Bruno's
personal chauffuer/bodyguard Tony (Steven Bauer) turns out to be
an undercover FBI agent who tells Alex to co-operate with him in
helping to nail Bruno and if she refuses, they will nail her for
prostitution. While trying to figure a way out of the predicament
she's in, Alex takes a liking to Bruno's attractive Chinese wife
Virgina Chow (Joan Chen) who doesn't realize that Bruno is setting
her up as a patsy to take the blame for his crimes, while Alex is
unaware that Tony plans to nail her anyway after he nails Bruno.
Also, the movie was apparently
so hacked up by the studio that the direction was heartbroken and
killed himself. If that's not a set-up for some red hot pussy
lickin' I don't know what is. And yeah, the final scene is
actually really hot, if strangely a bit slow moving. And at
this point Anne Heche wasn't a crazy person, nor was she everyone's
favorite life partner, so you can look at her naked and not just
think about that part of her book when she says that her dad gave
her herpes when she was 4. Also, the other half of this scene
is Joan Chen, a really strikingly gorgeous woman. And, if
writing on this website has taught me nothing else, I apparently
have an insane Asian fetish I never knew about ('sup Noelle?).
B: Yep,
it's gay!
This scene would've been
a lot better if Anne Heche was covered in lava and Joan Chen had
been shot by Tommy Lee Jones during one of his crazy Vietnam flashbacks.
Thom Yorke says:
"I wish that they'd
sweep down in a country lane,
late at night when I'm driving.
Take me on board their beautiful ship"
-- Subterranean Homesick Alien, "OK Computer"
The P-Boi Sapphometer
Reading: 3.5 Sappho
Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
and Rie Rasmussen
 
Film:
Femme Fatale (2002)
She: Dialing 10-10-987 before all long distance
calls whether she goddamn likes it or not.
She: Sick of her boyfriend only liking her when
she's covered in ham and mayo.
B: Here we see former model and real-life Aunt
Becky Rebecca Romijn-Stamos as a sexy thief using the ancient art
of "HAVE MERCY" to remove diamonds from Rie Rasmussen
without her noticing. I think that giving us such an explicit
close-up of tongues lashing against each other ruined the MYSTIQUE
of the scene. Although I have to admit that it gave me a tingling
sensation in my ROLLERBALLS. Regardless, Rebecca gives a performance
in FEMME FATALE that proves she should ROMIJN off-camera!
Why aren't black people more upset with what Brian De Palma has
done with his post-Scarface career? "Bonfire of the Vanities?"
"Snake Eyes?" The freaking "Dancing in the
Dark" video for Bruce Springsteen? God, somebody in the
Obie Trice-vein should formally take away his right to continue
making movies and slap him in his face.
Emily: Did you notice that Stamos has the same
hair in this scene that Chloe Sevigny has in "If These Walls
Could Talk 2." What is it with the lesbians and the slicked
back Dixie Chick hair?
Thom Yorke says:
"Did you see Rollerball,
Her accent was fucking hilariously bad.
One day she'll wake up to find
her husband has changed the wallpaper
to pink bunnies for Stephanie,
THE RAINDROPS
THE RAINDROPS
THE RAINDROPS
THE RAINDROPS
THE RAINDROPS
THE RAINDROPS
THE RAINDROPS
THE RAINDROPS"
-- Sit Down, Stand Up, "Hail to the Thief"
The P-Boi Sapphometer
Reading: 3 Sappho
Evan Rachel
Wood and Nikki Reed
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