100
Greatest Characters of Film
written by
B and Emily - april 13th - 2004
Jon from Progressive Boink writes;
This week, my star writers Emily and B have accomplished something that I could never hope to. They have managed to sort out their 100 favorite film characters of all time, complete with commentary and memorable quotes. I wanted to contribute, but when they saw that I made my list by going to imdb.com and pasting the cast list from "Speed", they hit me in the heart with a baseball bat, kicked me down a sewer grate and left me for dead. Luckily, I managed to make it back just in time to write an introduction to this fine article.
Be warned: this is not an elitist's list. For the love of God, I know most of these characters, which throws the notion of this being an elitist's list out the window. Some were chosen for incredible acting performances, some for nostalgic reasons, and others for sheer humor. This list was compiled less from the perspective of a film critic, and more from the perspective of my generation, the same generation that grew up with "*batteries not included" and "The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon."
Because of this, the result is a much more accessible and entertaining list. Unfortunately, it's incorrect, as they snubbed the mean scowling lady that got run over by the bus in "Speed" out of the #1 slot. I plan on firing away many an angry e-mail, and if you share my outrage, then you should do so. Please let us know what you think in the forum as well.
Finally, I would like to congratulate those who made it on this list with the following words:
You've worked very hard. All of you. You've grown, as athletes and individuals. You've learnt a lot. We've ALL learned a lot. As Miss Wade would say; a teacher also learns from his students. Today, you have the chance to be the greatest martial artists in the world. It's up to you. If you give everything you've got, EVERYTHING, you'll be winners. That I promise you. You can be the best of the best.
A brief statement from the management:
In order to properly and honestly give our thoughts on the following characters it is necessary that we include *SPOILERS* fairly heavily throughout. So if you get to, say, someone from "Kill Bill" and you haven't seen the movie but WANT to, and you absolutely don't wanna know what's going on, just observe that the character is there and skip the entry. It's just common sense, but I don't want my ENLARGE YOUR PENIS THROUGH APPROVED CREDIT VIARGA e-mails laced with snotty hatemails about how I didn't properly safeguard the idea that The Mighty Ducks win in the end. Understood? Then proceed.
100. Chubbs Peterson
Film: "Happy Gilmore" (1996)
Defining Moment: After being killed by the
alligator that had previously robbed him of his hand, the angelic
visage of Chubbs, as well as the 'gator and former
president/American hero/tall hat wearer Abraham Lincoln all
appear in the clouds to Chubbs' protege, Happy Gilmore, to
congratulate him on a job well done. You should all know that I
was very close to giving Bob Barker this spot instead.
Memorable quote: "It's all in the hips.
It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips."
99. President James Marshall
Film: "Air Force One" (1997)
Defining moment: Forced to defend his family,
friends, and country against an airplane full of assault
rifle-toting foreign terrorists, Marshall hulks up for two
straight hours and single-handedly destroys their asses,
featuring Indiana-style face-crushing punches and a parachute
cord USA-style high-speed neck snapping.
Memorable quote: "GET OFF MY
PLANE!"
98. Fiona, Head of Mega Records
Film: "Josie and the Pussycats" (2001)
Defining moment: Nobody with a vagina is cooler
than Parker Posey, and by "vagina" I mean Ryan Adams.
Fiona is arguably the highlight of the film (along with Alan
Cumming and breasts), having her greatest moment in an extended
dance-sequence entrance to a party at her house in her honor,
followed up by "girl talk," illogical lisping, and
Pringles humor.
Memorable quote: "LIGHTS!!!!11" *elaborate hand gesture* (pictured)
97. Blade
Film: "Blade" (1998)
"Blade II" (2002) "Blade: Trinity" (2004)
Defining Moment: His first, if we're being honest. After
one of the longest and coolest "people dance in slow-mo to a
thumping techno beat" scenes in history, which ends with
blood from a slaughterhouse spraying out from the sprinlers and
dousing a hundred dancing vampires, a lone frightened human boy
crawls across the floor to the untainted feet of WESLEY SNIPES:
SUPER BAD ASS. Blade then proceeds to kill half the room,
including Traci Lords, with his bitchin' samurai sword, then
shoots everyone's favorite drunken "I love the 80's: Strikes
Back" participant Donal Logue and sets him on fire. I would
like to hear Logue's unfinished thoughts on this matter.
Memorable quote: "Some motherfucker's
always trying to ice skate up hill."
96. Scuttle - The Little Mermaid
Film: "The Little Mermaid" (1989)
"The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea" (2000)
Defining Moment: During Eric and Ariel's
dusklight lagoon canoeride, helpful crab Sebastian tries to up
the romantic mood by engaging the rest of the wildlife in a
performance of "Kiss the Girl." Equally helpful but
somewhat less subtle seagull Scuttle plops his fat bird ass down
on the nearest branch and painfully warbles through his part of
the song, until being silenced by the crustacion.
Memorable quote: "It's a
dinglehopper."
95. Farmer Arthur Hoggett
Film: "Babe" (1995)
"Babe: Pig in the City" (1998)
Defining moment: The farmer feels bad that his
pig is depressed after learning that humans eat pigs, so he
dances like an idiot to make the little pig feel better. And it
is SO AWESOME. More genuine emotion and kindness than a thousand
Trinities being impaled by a million metal rods.
Memorable quote: "That'll do, pig.
That'll do."
94. Greg Goldberg
Film: "The Mighty Ducks" (1992)
"D2: The Mighty Ducks" (1994) "D3:
The Mighty Ducks" (1996)
Defining Moment: After being tied to his net
until he learns to not be skittish, everyone's favorite fat
Jewish Minnosota boy with the oddly Brooklyn accent finally
begins to harness the goalie chi that will win the Ducks not only
the regional championship, but also the Jr. Olympics, and then
the showdown with the Evil Varsity team. Oh, all right, Julie
"the Cat" Gaffney was technically the one who won them
the Jr. Olympics gold. But Goldberg was still totally the Tretiak
of that team.
Memorable quote: "I am Goldberg. . . .
THE GOALIE!!"
93. Kane
Film: "Rhapsody in August" (1991)
Defining moment: The granny who can't seem to
let go of the Nagasaki bombing, whether she's supposed to or not.
Her defining moment is one of the most beautiful ever filmed, as
she and her grandchildren sit under a blue moonlight as the
adults argue with each other about money and social gain. The
road she walks is the one the children will walk, just like
before, and just like always.
Memorable quote: "I got old and so did
this organ."
92. Henri Toulouse-Lautrec
Film: "Moulin Rouge" (2001)
Defining Moment: I was originally going to say
it was his rooftop rendition of "Nature Boy," in which
he cuts an awesome promo on Ewan McGregor and then falls
strategically onto his side. But now that I think about it, the
best Toulouse moment is probably just the image of the little guy
dressed as a citar that always tells the truth.
Memorable quote: "The greatest thing
you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
91. Clubber Lang
Film: "Rocky III" (1982)
Defining moment: BRUTAL CHALLENGER. A PREDICTION
OF PAIN. Rocky Balboa becomes a complacent and egotistical
champion, which leads to him getting the ever loving jibber
jabber beaten out of him by Mr. T. He's Mr. T, guy, every moment
of his life is a defining moment.
Memorable quote: "No, I don't hate
Balboa. I pity the fool."
90. Reed Thimple
Film: "The Country Bears" (2002)
Defining moment: Taking out his aggression
against six giant fake looking hillbilly bear mascots, Thimple
calmly places a scale model of their home on his desk, presses a
button, and watches in horror as a weight from the ceiling falls
down to crush the house into pieces. He gets up, grabs another
scale model, and repeats the process. Do yourself a favor and
rent "The Country Bears." It's the Citizen Kane of
singing bear movies.
Memorable quote: "Oh no! Oh no! Oh no,
Country BEAR Hall has been crushed!"
89. Derek Vinyard
Film: "American History X" (1998)
Defining Moment: Without a doubt, the moment
that makes the Edward Norton character in this movie, the thing
that sets the skinhead apart from all the bullshit rhetoric and
truly turns him into a scary MFer. . . is the death by curbing. A
regretable black man comes to his final moments via the business
end of Derek's boot. Cringe-inducing, every time.
Memorable quote: "Now say
goodnight."
88. Teddy Duchamp
Film: "Stand by Me" (1986)
Defining moment: What list could be complete
without superfluous Feldman? In the 80's, before he became a side
attraction heartthrob, Corey Feldman could play a character with
six times more levels than anybody else in the room. Duchamp is a
believable kid while being different from anybody I knew, but if
I had to pick the best of the Feldmania it would be Teddy
flipping out on the junk man. Wait, the best part is when Kiefer
Sutherland pulls a gun on the kids. TELL ME WHERE THE DEAD BODY
IS. *point point* I SAID TELL ME WHERE MY FAMILY
THE BOMB THE VIRUS THE DEAD
BODY IS *point point point* Ask for immunity, kids! Immunity!
Memorable quote: "A pile of shit has a
thousand eyes."
87. Amilyn
Film: "Buffy the
Vampire Slayer" (1992)
Defining Moment: Things were a little different
in the pre-tv Buffyverse. Rather than poofing into handy and
disposable piles of dust when staked, vampires in the movie just
kind of grunted and fell down, leaving an unsightly body to clean
up. At the end, before the big fight, Buffy takes out her
adversary (Rutger Hauer)'s #1 henchmen (Paul Reubens). Rather
than the required grunt, the one armed vampire wheezes and
hisses, then falls to the ground. . . . then gets up, and
continues to writhe in agony for another minute, before finally
dying. Or so we think. Fans of the movie know that Amilyn gets in
a few more moments of suffering after the credits.
Memorable quote: "You ruined my new
jacket. Kill him a lot!"
86. Agent Norman Stansfield
Film: "Léon" (1994)
Defining moment: Looking like he's going to kill
little Natalie Portman via disembowelment from his fucking eyes
when he confronts her in the public restroom. Gary Oldman goes
over the top here (as usual) but in this situation gravity loves
him too much to keep him going anywhere but up. It's pretty
hardcore to refuse to kill someone unless they tell you they love
life first.
Memorable quote: "I like these calm
little moments before the storm. It reminds me of Beethoven. Can
you hear it? It's like when you put your head to the grass and
you can hear the growin' and you can hear the insects. Do you
like Beethoven?" I'd also be cheating us all if I
didn't include the shout of "EEEEEEEVERYOOOOOOOOOOONEEEEEE~+" as one of his memorable quotes.
85. Denise Fleming
Film: "Can't Hardly Wait" (1998)
Defining Moment: Doesn't really have one. That's
the beauty of Denise, she's the perfect invisible every girl. The
smart and sarcastic one who nobody knows about. So, while some
would say that her bathroom tryst with Kenny the Wigger was the
definitive moment in the film, I choose not to pick one. Because
Denise is happily undefined, and will, I wager, continue to be so
after the end of the film.
Memorable quote: "Just so you know,
judging from my little experience, I kind of believe in fate. It
just works in really fucked up ways sometimes."
84. Ben
Film: "Man Bites Dog" (1992)
Defining Moment: Ben is a man who takes pride in
his work. His work is killing people and robbing them. A
egomaniac who loves to be on camera, Ben truly gets off on being
filmed during his exploits by a documentary crew, taking great
pains to show them the ins and outs of his profession. His
brightest moment (in a film full of them) comes when he instructs
the sound man to "put [his] microphone here," and then
proceeds to snap a victim's neck, so the sound of bones cracking
is gruesomely loud.
Memorable quote: "Cinema. . . . .
CINEMAAAAAAAAAA"
83. Sadako
Film: "Ringu" (1998)
Defining moment: Making me crap my pants. No,
seriously. And then causing me to be afraid that my crap is going
to come to life and kill me with it's BIG EYE. And what makes it
worse is that a piece of shit has A THOUSAND EYES, so that's a
THOUSAND BIG EYE DEATHS when I can't even realistically handle
one. Now whenever the cable goes out or I cut the television on
by accident I have to Febreze all over the place.
Memorable quote:
82. Stanley Spadowski
Film: "UHF" (1989)
Defining moment: The inspirational speech
transcribed below. Proof that Michael Richards was only a one-hit
wonder after he'd become a nostalgic hero to a nation full of
children.
Memorable quote: "Life is like a mop.
Sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and hairballs and
things and you gotta clean it out. You gotta stick it in here and
rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes life sticks
to the floor so much that a mop, a mop, it's not good enough. You
gotta get down there with like a toothbrush, you know, and you
gotta really scrub 'cause you gotta get it off. But if that
doesn't work, you can't give up. You gotta stand right up. You
gotta run to a window and say, 'These floors are dirty as hell,
and I'm not gonna take it any more!'"
81. Nefretiri
Film: "The Ten
Commandments" (1956)
Defining Moment: After spending the entire movie
trying to seduce Moses, and rubbing it in the face of her husband
that she doesn't love him, Nefretiri, faced with her final
violent rejection as well as a dead son and the knowledge that
her husband has pussed out and freed the Hebrews, she flips out
for one last uber-bitchy moment in the sun. Despite spending
three hours cooing over him, Nefretiri suddenly decides that she
hates Moses, and that her husband should chase after the children
of Israel. He does, and most of his men wind up under the red
sea.
Memorable quote: "You will be king of
Egypt and I will be your footstool!"
80. Ducky
Film: "The Land Before Time" (1988)
Countless depressing cashcow sequels (1988-present)
Defining moment: When a little pterodactyl tries
to fly but plummets to the ground, he asks the other dinosaurs
for validation. "I fly?" he asks. "No, you
falled," Ducky replies. The questioning continues on why the
flying dinosaur can't seem to fly, and the general consensus is
that he can't fly because it's hard. "I guess it is. We
can't do it," Littlefoot replies. Ducky: "Nope. We
cannot do that all right." The original "The Land
Before Time" is fucking classic.
Memorable quote: "Petrie, do not feel
sad. It is all right. Many things cannot fly. Rocks, trees,
sticks, Spike..."
79. Phil "Duckie" Dale
Film: "Pretty in
Pink" (1986)
Defining Moment: Okay, I'm going to be honest
here. I racked my brain for the greatest Duckie scene. But the
more I thought about it, the more I just kept picturing that part
at the end when Andie sees him at the prom or whatever and he
points to his shoes. Duckie's shoes are permanently ingrained in
my subconscious. Am I a bad little 80's child for not remembering
My John Hughes well enough? Perhaps. But I can tell you this: my
love of Jon Cryer, borne out of Duckie, was cemented by his
portrayal of "Maxwell Hauser" in the film "Hiding
Out." How many of you can recall that one? Eh? Yeah, that's
what I thought.
Memorable quote: "I'm off like a dirty
shirt."
78. Rudy Ruettiger
Film: "Rudy" (1993)
Defining moment: Rudy has always been told he
was too small to play college football. He works hard and
sacrifices like he's frickin Frequency dying for our sins and
makes the roster at Notre Dame. He's on the roster! He dresses
for the final game of his collegiate career! New coach Coach
Jacko P. Asshole doesn't want Rudy in the game! Last quarter! THE
CROWD UNITES AND IGNITES. They begin chanting RUDY. RUDY. RUDY.
RUDY RUDY RUDY RUDY RUDY RUDY. HEROISM ENSUES.
Memorable quote: "I've been ready for
this my whole life."
77. Captain Spaulding
Film: "House of 1000
Corpses" (2003)
Defining Moment: Covered from the neck up in
poorly done clown makeup, the kind that makes children fear
clowns, and wear an old ratty t-shirt with a hot dog inexplicably
on the front, Capt. Spaulding gingerly mops a bloody floor ten
minutes after killing a man in cold blood in the middle of his
roadside gas station/haunted house fair ride/discount indy
chicken emporium/hut.
Memorable quote: "Goddamn motherfucker
got blood all over my best clown suit."
76. The Toxic Avenger
Film: "The Toxic Avenger" (1985)
"The Toxic Avenger Part II" (1989) "The
Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie" (1989)
"Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV" (2000)
Defining moment: Over the course of one fight
scene in "The Toxic Avenger Part II," Toxie kills a DOT
worker, gangsters, a Richard Pryor look-a-like, two karate guys,
a dog-man being lead around on a leash, a Klansman, a gay biker,
an Indian, a transvestite, a blue person, and an angry black
midget. And that's about half the people he kills in just that
one scene. That picture up there is steam coming out of his ears
because he's getting a blowjob. Troma > you
Memorable quote: "At first I found it
hard to believe that my father was Japanese, and that I was
part-Japanese. But that would explain why I've always had these
strange, non-American urges to work very hard, save money, and
live without credit cards."
75. Gollum
Film: "Lord of the
Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" (2001) "The
Two Towers" (2002) "Return of the King" (2003)
Defining Moment: The obvious choice would be the
extended conversation that the two personalities of Gollum (the
wormy imp and the fallen hobbit) has with himself, ending in the
temporay banishment of the more sinister Gollum (as well as a
fleeting glimpse of redemption for the broken, but good natured
Smeagol). However I personally was always much more moved by the
scene in which Frodo reminds Gollum what his name was. In those
five seconds of screen time, Andy Serkis and about 500 computer
engineers managed to imbibe more raw feeling and emotion into the
trilogy than the rest of the cast could over the entire 11 hours.
Memorable quote: (cliche, but. . . ) "MYYYYY.
. . .PRECIOUSSSSS."
74. The Bride
Film: "Kill Bill" (2003/2004)
Defining moment: Uma Thurman completely excuses
herself for like fifteen years of bad movies by killing 89 people
in various horrific ways via sword in one beautifully shot
cinematic masterpiece of an action sequence. Extra points awarded
for eye-gouging, breakdancing, spanking, and yanking Bruce Lee's
wardrobe.
Memorable quote: "Those of you lucky
enough to have your lives take them with you. However, leave the
limbs you've lost. They belong to me now."
73. Captain Jack Sparrow
Film: "Pirates of the
Carribean" (2003)
Defining Moment: Like the film or not, the first
image of the Captain, standing regally atop the sail of his boat,
wind blowing and score cresting, is one that movie audiences will
remember generations from now. Two seconds after that shot, when
the camera pans down to see that the boat is sinking, we're given
a sense of that perfect touch of grey between poise and
buffoonery that made Sparrow such a great character. Savvy?
Memorable quote: "Human hair. From my
back."
72. Principal Joe
Clark
Film: "Lean on Me" (1989)
(Robert Guillaume co-pictured for honorable mention)
Defining moment: Having taken over the school,
Mr. Clark (who "don't play") gets rid of all the drug
dealers and troublemakers, no questions asks. One of the little
fat kids comes begging for his education. Mr. Clark takes him to
the rooftop, questions him awesomely about his use of crack,
suggests that he jump off the aforementioned roof, and then PWNS
him with vocabulary and hateful HNIC yelling. "If you want
to kill yourself, don't fuck around with it, go on and do it
expeditiously!"
Memorable quote: "I don't have to do
nothin' but stay black and die!"
71. Mr. Glass
Film:
"Unbreakable" (2001)
Defining Moment: People really hate this movie
for some reason, but I adored it. The scene at the end, when
Glass's comic obsession comes full circle, and he explains to
David what their "purpose" is, it gives me chills.
Shamalamadingdong (racist joke? or maybe just dated?) originally
planned for the movie to work as a trilogy, with that final scene
setting up the rivalry between the two in future movies. Sadly,
with the film being rejected as it largely was, I doubt we'll
ever see the return of Elijah Price.
Memorable quote: "I'm not a
mistake."