Rating
the Lesbians, Volume 1
Two
friends. Two girls kissing each other on film. A lifetime of
precious moments!
written by emily and b - december 2nd - 2003
Volume 1 :: Volume 2 :: Volume 3 :: Volume 4 :: Volume 5
Emily and I met on the day Aaliyah died.
Since that day of National Tragedy we have bonded together as the closest of friends, sharing the kind of bond forged only by mutual loss of family and showings of Rollerball and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen at the local second-run dollar-movie. She comes to me when she needs someone to talk to, I come to her when I need somebody to take an F-5. It's a precious ecosystem. Please donate five dollars via PayPal to maintain the Progressive Boink Drop Emily Hilariously on Her Head Foundation.
I have taught her to love wrestling enough to become a jaded smark. She has taught me to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer enough to become a jaded fan. One thing that we have in common is our love of violent disappointment. Another thing we have in common is our love of lesbians! And that brings us to today.
Lesbians are everywhere. You can't swing a double-ended ass-to-ass sexual device without hitting a lesbian! The real lesbians are hard to find. They live in caverns and under the left-over staging and lighting equipment in the Lillith Fair warehouse. If you're looking for a straight woman who plays a lesbian in something you're in luck! Many of them are on national television now, often times with their back to the camera, removing a piece of clothing as the camera fades out, and you're left masturbating to a Dell Intern commercial.
Emily and I love lesbians and lesbian accessories enough to passionately discuss them over hot cups of peppermint mocha and pink triangles. We have collected our thoughts here, for you the reader, and for you, the forum dweller, who drains our bandwith without ever actually reading our website. We love these people the most! So that's three things we have in common.
And then Emily said, what about, Breakfast at Tiffany's? I said I, think I, remember the film and, as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it. And I said, well that's, four things we've got.
Violent disappointment, lesbians, forum dwellers, and bad punctuation from Deep Blue Something.
Enjoy the post, guys!!11
Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Jaime Pressley
Television Show: Fastlane, FOX
She: Television's Kelly Kapowski, the only girl
in the 90210 zip code with a nightclub and AIDS.
She: Television's 1-800-Collect Angel, Poison
Ivy seductress alumni, and famous for thinking that Amanda
Beckett is so not as pretty as Gwyneth.
B: I called in to work on a Friday night so I
wouldn't have to miss this episode of Fastlane, and I discovered
two things: Firstly, if you let Busta Rhymes make an undercover
cop show and let him do everything in fish-eye lens and that
annoying rap video time jump fast forward until the editing
machine burped Cristall, you'd have Fastlane; Secondly,
Tiffani-Amber Thiessen is not 1/16ths as hot without denim shorts
and KEDS. I felt satisfied by understanding the limits of network
television and appreciated both girls' evident gung-whore
attitude toward the act, but I felt ultimately rewarded by joking
that Thiessen's character "dialed down the center."
Emily: I agree, I was t-totally disappointed. I
agree that both actresses seemed to be intent on looking like
they wanted to be engaging in their sinful act of homosex (as
opposed to Hal Sparks at the beginning of his Queer as Folk run,
looking like he could barely hold in the vomit from having
another cock within sniffing distance). Regardless, that doesn't
change the fact that a bad kisser is a bad kisser, regardless of
location. It was almost as if they were both so intent on looking
hot for the camera that they couldn't shut their mouths even
slightly. Kissing is a beautiful, romantic, and yes very hot
thing to look at. But it doesn't always have to be Axl Rose and
Stephanie Seymour, November Raining it for all the world to see.
In fact, it's really better if it's never like that.
Really, the fact I was able to watch long enough to see the
entire kiss without falling into a Fastlane-induced seizure is
astounding.
XENA WARRIOR
PRINCESS says: "Remind
me to talk to you sometime about your taste in men."
-- Xena to Gabrielle in "Chariots of War"
The P-Boi
Sapphometer Reading: 2.5 Sappho
Uma Thurman and Maria de Medeiros
Film: Henry and June (1990)
She: The owner of a garden that needs tending
since breaking up with Hobbit ex-husband Ethan Hawke; giving God
the sneaking suspicion that if he, on his journey, should
encouter her, he will be cut.
She: Maria de Mediros, European actress of
unknown origin, playing Anais Nin, famous European sex-chronicler
of unknown origin. Also, wishes she had a pot, and forgot to
bring Bruce Willis' lucky watch.
Emily: Uma seems to make out with chicks in all
of her movies. She does it in this one, she makes out with Rain
Phoenix in "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" (*shudder*),
and she makes out wit Chiaki Kuriyama in "Kill Bill."
Wait, no, that last one is only in my head. That being said, Uma
doesn't do anything for me. Even in her prettier days, I've
always found her to be a bit too hang-dog. And her voice reminds
me of Dory speaking whale in "Finding Nemo." So, yeah,
this wasn't one of my favorite scenes. The entire movie is
building towards these two women getting it on, and when they do
I'm just sort of, "eh." I guess a fairly vanilla
lesbian scene is hard to get excited about when you've been
watching a tiny pixie of a woman bounce up and down on Fred
Ward's euphamism for an hour and a half.
This movie brought out my more hetero tendencies. I spent most
the film just wishing Richard E. Grant would get naked again. I'm
a weird girl.
B: Uma is in the "collective," meaning
that she was crucial to the badness of Batman and Robin. Whenever
she is not in a giant apge mascot costume dancing seductively for
Robin I am a fan of Uma and her nakedness, from the highs of
pregnancy boobs to the lows of Gattaca. Vanilla love scene or no,
this ranks as Uma's second greatest on-screen lesbian kiss, right
behind her kissing John Malkovich in Dangerous Liasons. Anyway,
what I'm trying to say is that I'm furiously masturbating as long
as Chris O'Donnell isn't wandering around somewhere. Except for
him getting hit by a train in Fried Green Tomatoes. I'm jacking
like a season of 24 at that point. And I don't think you're
weird, Em, I spent all of "The Little Vampire" wishing
Richard E. Grant would get naked again, so I could see if the
human head really weighs eight pounds.
XENA WARRIOR
PRINCESS says: "Don't
confuse defending yourself with using a weapon. When you pull a
sword you have to be ready to kill."
-- Xena in "Dreamworker"
The P-Boi
Sapphometer Reading: 2 Sappho
Eliza
Dushku and Angela Featherstone eating
each others boogers
Film:
Soul Survivors (2001)
She: A totally SPAH-tan Vampire Slayer, who uses
her spare time to steal cheerleading moves from black high
schoolers and steal virginity from black principals (who are you
kidding) and pirates in Sunnydale.
She: Making Adam Sandler fucking choke whenever
he thinks about her.
B: This is an example of a director who
assumedly knows no lesbians taking lesbian passion eighteen steps
too far. Dushku and Featherstone are discovered in a library not
so much kissing as trying to clean each others lower faces with
their respective tongues. This is about as sexy as my first
girlfriend trying to kiss me and bashing her front teeth into my
mouth. So now all I'm left with is a mouth full of blood and the
image of Faith the Vampire Slayer ripping off a 40 year-old
woman's shirt as she digs for gold with her tongue up her nose.
Thanks a lot, chilling teen suspense.
Emily: Get out of my Van Halen T-shirt before
you curse the band and they break up.
XENA WARRIOR
PRINCESS says: "Don't
be sorry, just improve."
-- Xena in "The Titans"
The P-Boi
Sapphometer Reading: 3 Sappho for sexiness and hilarity
Hilary Swank and Chloe Sevigny
Film: Boys Don't Cry (1999)
She: Oscar winner.
She: Oscar Meyer eater. With this big gross
brown spot on her boob.
Emily: Chloe Sevigny looks like an afghan hound
and Hilary Swank looks like the boy I had a crush on in Junior
High. That's not very hot. Despite all the nights I spent in bed
fantasizing about that boy doing lame shit like touching my
panties (I was way too retarded to even consider sex at that
point), I can't recall ever wishing to see him finger banging The
Tramp. In conclusion, I would've rather watched Becky Conner have
make out with. . . .Other Becky Conner.
B: If I had to pick two Roseanne cast members to
watch make out I would pick Tom Arnold and John Goodman. It would
combine the comedy of Normal, Ohio with the gayness of The Jackie
Thomas Show. I would always rather watch fat men exploring than
watch the Next Karate Kid pretend to fuck one of the KIDS and
then show her vagina to a bunch of rednecks. Is anybody else
bothered by the fact that the first thing she did after getting
sexually assaulted was go have sexy lesbian sex again? I guess
not. Bill Engvall should have a comedy review where he says
"HERE'S YOUR OSCAR."
"I was driving down I-95 last week and my engine started
smoking...so I'm sitting there on the side of the highway with my
hood up, and this actress stops her car and pulls over. She walks
right up to me and asks, 'Is your car broken? Hey look, I'm a
retard. BLAH BLAH BLARGH look at me! I'm so retarded.'
HERE'S YOUR OSCAR."
XENA WARRIOR
PRINCESS says: "Were
you trying to kill yourself or are you just new at this?"
-- Xena in "The Ties that Bind"
The P-Boi
Sapphometer Reading: 0.5 Sappho
Angelina
Jolie feeding baby birds
and Elizabeth Mitchell
Film: Gia, HBO
(1998)
She: Creeping self-parody, a brother-fucking
tomb-raiding blood-wearing cheekbone-centric walking pair of lips
and tits.
She: Frequency's Mom.
B: "Gia" is the Helen of Troy of made
for TV movies -- the naked lesbian romp that launched a thousand
cracked out bi-curious and easy teenage girls. Jolie's strongest
asset, I feel, is her ability to kiss on screen. This could be
because of her sensuous aura, but more accurately because of her
willingness to stick her tongue as far as she can into anything
that moves. Although she does this creepy thing where she puts
her hand on Elizabeth Mitchell's face and kinda licks her in the
mouth. Come to think of it, shortly after rubbing her boobs over
her girlfriend (and a steel cage), Jolie dresses like a geisha
girl and then dies. That's all I can ask from an Angelina Jolie
movie. That, and NON-STOP ACTION THRILL RIDE
And scenes where Brittany Murphy is badly burned.
Emily: Hey B, that wasn't actually Brittany who
was badly burned in "Girl, Interrupted."
B: I know. I still want scenes where Brittany Murphy is badly burned.
Emily:
On a related note, she did make out with Reese Witherspoon in
"Freeway," but that was back in the now-forgotten times
when she still looked Clueless-esque, and hung out with that
other chick from "The Torklesons." I wonder if she
asked the man in the moon for a boyfriend as pretty as Ashton.
Topic, yeah. Anyway, I agree that Angelina makes out with girls
better than most young starlets. But I wish she wouldn't. 'Cause
frankly if I have to listen to one more skinny 20 year old with a
tribal tattoo and a thrift store t-shirt tell me how great
"Life of Something Like It" was, I'm gonna. . . I
dunno, have sex with more men, I guess.
Elizabeth Mitchell was on that one failed television show with
that one guy I thought was really hot. That is all.
XENA WARRIOR
PRINCESS says: "You're
trying to slow me down. You're using the past of a Xena long
dead. I'm not her anymore!"
-- Xena in "Dreamworker"
The P-Boi
Sapphometer Reading: 3.5 Sappho
Alyson Hannigan and Amber Benson
Television Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, WB and UPN
She: One time, at band camp, became a sexual
icon for boys with lowered expectations and not enough personal
aspirations to lust after Cordelia.
She: Lost in ecstacy, spread beneath her Willow
tree. Eww.
Emily: The thing I don't understand is why the
writers teased Willow/Tara for SO LONG, leaving the relationship
in subtext, then allowing the subtext to float over the floor at
the bronze. Then when they finally kissed, it was done with no
fanfare, and was no big deal. I liked that, I thought it was well
played, natural, for once. But yet, like two minutes after Tara
died Willow hooked up with Kennedy, and we had to watch the girl
from the Tampax commercial rub her tongue ring over Hannigan
while she made an O face like there was a penis involved. Just
another example of Buffy losing every single shred of subtlety in
it's last two years.
Oh hey, I didn't make a joke. Wait a sec, here it comes. . . .
MORE LIKE KENNEDY THE VAGINA SLAYER AM I RIGHT?
B: Willow is the most romantically reprehensible
character in modern television. She goes circa sixteen years
without ever having a boyfriend. Then less than a year after
finally finding someone who loves her and treats her with
respect, she cheats on her Furry boyfriend with Xander, a guy who
chooses to wait until he's dating the hottest and most popular
girl in school to finally swap saliva with the softer side of
Sears. She's forgiven, and decides that she's with the love of
her life. He skips town and she makes cry eyes for (I counted)
twenty-six seconds before holding hands and vaginas with a girl
she meets in a college Wicca club meeting. So, yeah, okay,
whatever, I can accept that it's not just a rebound thing or
college experimentation and that Willow has learned to love
somebody for who they are on the inside, and not because of
what's hanging or not hanging.
Then Tara gets shot. Willow goes OH BAYBEE NOOO BABYEE HO NO and
sounds like Mr. Bill getting sliced up by a pizza cutter. Before
Tara's body hits the floor (and splashes into the drowning pool)
Willow is taking photo booth pictures inside of Kennedy's
vertical Hellmouth. Then, when under the influence of a love
spell, Willow demands that the object of her affection be turned
into a girl. Because she loved Tara for her lack of dangling
participles and not for her nouns and verbs. And then Spike shows
up, and the show is ruined. Now sod off, I'm going to masturbate
to Cordelia singing "Greatest Love of All."
XENA WARRIOR
PRINCESS says: "What we have here is a failure to
communicate."
-- Gabrielle in "The Path Not Taken"
The P-Boi
Sapphometer Reading: 1.5 Sappho
That One Scene
from Dude, Where's My C
Anna Paquin and Bijou Phillips
Film: Almost Famous (2000)
She: Trying to inspire her mother to speak
through her piano without touching her skin and absorbing her
muteness.
She: would rather eat glass.
B: I can think of two things better than Anna
Paquin in her underwear: nirvanic enlightenment, and the New York
Rangers winning the 1994 Stanley Cup. For explanation purposes,
consider Anna's thinly covered flesh as the 94 Cup victory.
Consider the brevity of this specific scene to be the
disappointment of the 95 season, and the subsequent loss of
Messier and wasting of Gretzky. Consider the inclusion of Bijou
Phillips instead of Fairuza Balk (the other groupie in the same
scene) as the acquisition of Eric Lindros. The lack of an
extended scene on DVD is comparable to Lindros having a head made
of jelly and getting a concussion in real life whenever he's
checked hard in NHL 95 for the Sega Genesis. This should make
perfect sense now. And despite it all, I hold with me two
precious memories: Mark Messier hoisting Lord Stanley's cup above
his head in celebration, and the outline of Anna Paquin's
nipples.
Emily: Let's be honest here: this scene isn't
really "making out," it lasts all of one second. And
while I will admit that Anna Paquin is quite the cutie, I look at
her and all I hear is, "AH NEED A RAHHHHD." I don't
know anything about hockey, so I can't tell whether B's comment
about Fairuza Balk was to suggest that her exclusion was good or
bad. Fairuza Balk and I share a birthday. There's a girl at work
who thinks I look like her. This same girl did a project in high
school in which she acted out "The Craft" through
dance. I don't think I can add anything to that. So basically I
didn't have anything relevant to add to this scene. Thanks for
coming out folks!
XENA WARRIOR
PRINCESS says: "Gabrielle,
do you want to fight me to the death?"
"Not really."
-- Melosa and Gabrielle in "Hooves and Harlots"
The P-Boi
Sapphometer Reading: 5 Sappho (thanks to Sapphometric
tampering)
Jennifer Connelly and Kristy Swanson
Film: Higher Learning (1995)
She: John Nash's beautiful wife, rapidly
shrinking in size from a sexy young woman with huge boobs to a
dried old skeleton lady wrapped in beige fabric in less than a
decade.
She: Techincally the fourth Buffy the Vampire
Slayer alumna on this list. So far.
Emily: This is one of those movies that I
watched at 14 and thought was really great, but I realize now is
just pretentious overwrought crap. Its a film that features
murderous nazis, date rape via Tori Amos, Morpheus with Dred
Scott hair, and Tyra Banks akwardly licking a nipple. Then, in
the midst of all this madness, is the most beautiful woman in the
world experimenting with the love that dare not speak it's name.
But you know what sucks? That instead of any real action, the
camera just sort of zooms in as the two women get closer, then
cuts to Swanson making out with the guy who wasn't Jack
Noseworthy in that Bon Jovi video that gave B such a boner for
Carla Gugino. I guess John Singleton, preoccupied by how best to
film his girlfriend at the time fucking Willie Mays Hayes that he
didn't know how to give the people what they want.
B: Higher Learning...more like Lower Body
Stimulating! Eight years later Kristy Swanson has posed for
Playboy ten years after anybody would've cared, and Jennifer
Connelly has an Oscar as a reward for never eating. I look at my
floor, and I see it needs sweeping. Still The Rocketeer gently
weeps.
ALSO JOHN NASH CAN NOT TAKE MORE THAN TWO STEPS WITHOUT SUSTAINING AN INJURY WHOA GUYS WOAH
XENA WARRIOR
PRINCESS says: "I am Xena, Warrior Princess
lol"
-- Xena in "Rating the Lesbians"
The P-Boi
Sapphometer Reading: 4 Sappho
Gina Gershon and Elizabeth Berkley
Film: Showgirls (1995)
She: Fish-lipped Kravitz receptacle who looks
unnervingly a lot like Billy Zane.
She: So excited. So excited. So...scared.
B: Hubba hubba, mama! Consider this "Saved
by the Bell: Isle of Lesbos Style!" Jessie Spanno, I need to
see you in the Principal's office...IMMEDIATELY. Berkley is the
second Saved by the Bell cast member on this list, what's next?
Lisa sticking her fingers up Miss Bliss? Zack dressing up like a
woman and accidentally having a naked roll-around with Stacey
Corosi? When I first saw this scene it made me SCREECH! And I'm
spent.
PS. saved by the bell remember that lol
The kiss itself is pretty hot, but at the end of Showgirls and
featuring Elizabeth Berkley and Gina Gershon.
Emily: Showgirls seems to me to be flawed in
execution. Now, I know saying that is like saying, "the
ground seems to be under my feet today" but hear me out.
What is it about Joe Estherhaus (probably spelled wrong, sue me)
that thinks he should make a movie about a slutty hard bodied
dancer and then proceed to make us watch her eat junk food for
two hours. By the time she gets around to the kiss, its just
kinda groddy since we're pretty sure she's got food stuck in her
teeth. Gina Gershon, I must say, is smokin' hot, even in this,
her 600th year. She (rather than Jolie) is my bi-curious icon of
choice. I give her three snaps in a Z formation.
XENA WARRIOR
PRINCESS says: "Kevin Sorbo looks like the
Beastmaster on estrogen and with a cock in his chocolate."
-- Xena in "Hercules: The Legendary Boner"
The P-Boi
Sapphometer Reading: 2.5 Sappho
Britney Spears and Madonna the Grey
Television Show: MTV Video Music Awards (2003)
She: Against the music.
She: Clinging desperately to relevance; trying
to hit it chic-a-ta before minutes from now when she take-a you
on.
Emily: I'd like to start off first by saying that any man who spent the friday after this happened searching for these pictures, downloading them, then touching themselves inappropriately needs to be banned from the internet. Each one of you has been declared by Emily to be the absolute perviest of the pervys. Worse than the pedophiles, worse than the foot fetishists, worse than the people with a hard-on for prostethic limbs. And do you know why?
Because this stunt was the absolute epitome of what's wrong with almost every instance of girl-on-girl action; a sad, unconvincing vie for attention and eroticism. Britney is a hard-bodied robot, and Madonna is a turkey-necked woman of a certain age trying all too obviously to hold onto the image she cultivated 15 years ago. I would think that even people who find Britney to be some physical ideal of feminity should be bothered to see her mechanically kissing some over-yogaed, under-botoxed milf with her roots showing. But you weren't bothered were you, internet? You didn't turn away, did you? No, you all looked, and you all enjoyed it. Shame.
B: I thought it was pretty hot. ROLF j/k
My favorite part of the VMAs was the next segment, where Ashanti had awkward sexual chemistry with awkward sexual chemist/11 year old basketball star LeBron James. It was like watching the down syndrome kid pet the pretty girl's hair. Either that segment, or watching Christina Aguilera get buried under the Britney/Madonna DNA chain-sharing as her chunky thighs grew more and more orange. Next year I wanna see Michelle Branch and Vanessa Carlton make out in the opening number, so they can transform and roll out into one big robotic bad teen songwriter.
XENA WARRIOR
PRINCESS says: "You
wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello
to my little friend!"
-- Xena in "Scarface"
The P-Boi
Sapphometer Reading: 2.5 Sappho
James King and Laura Prepon
Film: Slackers (2002)
She: Seriously thinking that changing her name
from "James" to "Jamie" will erase the dozen
heroin-junkie pierced-nipples pictures that anybody with Yahoo
and an erection can find and make her middle-America's
sweetheart.
She: Having the biggest boobs on "That '70s
Show," unless you count Ashton Kutcher's head.
B: Despite it's premise of "underachievers going the extra mile," the film "Slackers" looked like a can't miss prospect; not only did it star Max Fischer from "Rushmore," but also Eminem's Biggest Fan This is Stan, Devon Sawa, AND the pre-movie magazine guarantee of a Laura Prepon lesbian kiss. She bragged about how she used a lot of tongue, and how they really got into it. I paid full price for the first showing on opening day. I wore my big jacket so I could smuggle in two bottles of hand lotion, a box of Kleenex, and my Hello Kitty vibrator. Then the movie starts.
About five minutes into it Max has a fantasy about making out with both girls, so they stand about sixteen feet away from each other and touch the tips of their tongues, which is totally how I would passionately make out with someone in a fantasy, as long as I was Pedro Zamora and the object of my affection was a big cardboard box full of MORE AIDS. I sat there flaccidly with my zipper undone thinking, "that was it?" I kept my fingers (lol) crossed that there was another scene later, but the closest thing I got was Elder Pete from Pete and Pete with a sock puppet on his dick.
Worst movie ever. :'(
Emily: I
wasn't quite as excited about this movie as B, but I can tell you
that I thought JAMES King was really hot, for a heroin junkie
with pierced nipples. Jamie King, not so much. Prepon doesn't do
much for me, as my overly pale redhead of choice is Alicia Witt.
Then again, I'm an overly pale redhead, so I CHOOSE ME. Hello and
I'm a dipshit.
Remember in "Not Another Teen Movie" when the slutty
chick makes out with the really old woman? Wait, did that
actually happen? I dunno, I only watched the movie once, and the
Slow Clapper is really all I remember about it except for Marilyn
Manson's cover of "Tainted Love." So, yeah, I don't
remember if that was actually in the movie or if I just made it
up in my head, but either way it was probably about as hot as
this scene appears to be.
XENA WARRIOR
PRINCESS says: "Most
"Interest Only" loans are not balloon type
mortgages. Those that have a longer initial fixed period
such as the 3,5,7 and 10 year programs will not have the
note due and payable at the end of the fixed term. The
mortgage will simply turn into a fully amortized loan thus your
balance (after 5 years on a 5 year fixed interest only loan) will
be amortized over the remaining 25 years as a normal 25 year
mortgage would except at an adjustable rate."
-- Xena's "Hut Investment Quote"
The P-Boi
Sapphometer Reading: 1 Sappho
Dawn Marie and Torrie Wilson
PPV: WWE Armageddon (2002)
She: A lonely widowed woman, hell bent to make it on her
own. Also, goes into cardiac arrest whenever she's wearing more
than six ounces of cloth at a time.
She: Sexual predator who likes sticking dum-dums
in her various orifices, lollipops and vanilla cruiserweights
alike.
Emily: When
I started this, I was poised to go into another rant about how
forced this whole thing was, and how Torrie Wilson is shoved down
our throats as "sexy," but how her sexiness is
completely awkward an unnatural, like she's a 12 year old girl
trying to mimic Kim Cattrall. But then I remembered that this is
a humor site, and you guys clicked this link for the funny. . .
.well, no, you clicked this link for the pictures, but anyway.
Rather than give my personal opinion on the matter, I'm going to
give you some brief glimpses into the lives of my parents.
Picture it, Armageddon, last december. . . .
My mom: Who are they?
Me: Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie.
Mom: The blonde is a bimbo, and the other looks.
. . .rode hard.
Me: Yeah. . . .
My dad: Hey, what's going on?
Me: Dawn Marie is going to marry Torrie's dad
unless Torrie has sex with her.
Dad: Oh.
(Torrie and Dawn make out)
Dad: (standing and stretching). . . . well, I
guess it's about time for me to be hitting the old dusty trail. .
B: I was at this show live, so I can honestly say that behind Kurt Angle winning the WWE title, watching Chris Benoit and Eddy Guerrero wrestle, and Booker T and Goldust winning the title, watching Torrie's father Al Wilson stand sadly in the ring as this played is one of the finest moments of entertaining-sports I've bared witness to in that specific night. The retarded sick side of me was hoping that Vince would convince the involved parties to all film a sexy vignette together, so we could get that incest storyline that the McMahons have been executing/pushing on unwilling wrestlers for the last five years. Instead, the storyline ended with Al Wilson being killed by sex, and Torrie turning out to actually be a sexual predator who a) had sex with Rena Mero, who is both a mummy and frightening, and b) had group sex with a redneck, the redneck's girlfriend, and a giant steroided homosexual. And that, my friends, is why I love wrestling.
No wait I messed up.
No I didn't, that was sarcasm. Man, I can't even tell anymore.
XENA WARRIOR
PRINCESS says: "Then
it happened one day
we came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise
when he saw his own eyes
I said 'please please understand
I'm in love with another man
And what he couldn't give me
was the one little thing you can'"
-- Xena in "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to Other
Women You"
The P-Boi
Sapphometer Reading: 2 Sappho
Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair
Film: Cruel Intentions (1999)
She: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Doing what everybody else
from Buffy the Vampire Slayer does: make out with a girl and then
make fifteen bad movies.
She: Auditioned for the role of Buffy the
Vampire Slayer. So think of her as like an Earth-2 Buffy. Like an
uglier Buffy with grey temples in her hair and a hat with wings
on it.
B: The king fish (smell) of all Faux-teen Faux-lesbian movie makeout scenes. Sarah Michelle Gellar was one of my first crushes when she was Kendall on "All My Children" and I had an entire summer off to watch soap operas with my Mom and eat stroganoff, and brown-haired heavily clothed Cruel Intentions Gellar allows me to easily pretend that that whole "stick-figure Prinze-marrying weepy-face Spike-humping" blonde phase never happened. I think it says something that this has caused me to ejaculate with a picture of Selma Blair on my screen. Masturbating to Selma Blair is like masturbating to a concentration camp filmstrip.
"After its defeat in World War I, Germany was FAP FAP FAP humiliated by the Versailles Treaty, which reduced its prewar FAP FAP FAP territory, drastically reduced its FAP FAP FAP armed FAP FAP FAP forces, demanded the recognition of its guilt for the war, and stipulated FAP FAP FAP it pay FAP FAP FAP reparations to the allied powers. FAP FAP FAPOH OH GOD"
Mein Godin Himmel! Mein penis hat explodiert!
Emily: Okay, okay, I'm not going to say anything bad. Yes, it was very hot. The fake girl-kiss that launched a thousand. . . fuck, I don't know. A thousand sperm? Totally lost the punchline there. A Thousand Sperm sounds like some weird house band though. Just as Angelina Jolie sticking her nipple through a fence caused 90 gillion girls to get drunk and find out "what it's like," The Selma/Smudge kiss was just for the fellas. So. . . I won't make any snide comments about Zoe, or Duncan, or Jack, or Jane. I won't nitpick about the insane amount of tongue. I won't wonder why a supposedly 18 year old girl is wearing a big 'ol Jackie Collins at a polo match hat. I won't. I'm letting you guys have this one. So scroll up again, look at the pictures for the millionth time, and know that momma loves you.
XENA WARRIOR
PRINCESS says: "Hey, by 'subtext' do you think
they mean they want me to show my labia?"
-- Xena in "My Contract has Got to Be Almost Up"
"Inner and
Outer labia"
-- Travis Brickley, U.S. National Karate Team
The P-Boi
Sapphometer Reading: 5 Sappho
Volume 1 :: Volume 2 :: Volume 3 :: Volume 4 :: Volume 5
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