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February 15th, 1999
Having a disability must be really hard to cope with. Whether you're blind, deaf, crippled or mentally challenged, the world becomes a more harsh place. A blind man can never enjoy the wild colors of a Virginia sunset. A deaf man can never hear laughter. But then again, crippled people get to ride in those cool motorized cars in the front of grocery stores. Whenever I tried to ride one of those things as a kid, my mom would smack me in the head and tell me to behave. Nowadays, I've come to see that the motorized carts are for people who really need them, and who cannot shop for food without them. And usually the store manager makes me stop when I'm popping wheelies in the express lane.
And handicapped people never have to walk up steps! They always get to ride the cool service elevator things at school, and they have the rampways to get into movie theaters. Oh, and the neat little pillows. The closest thing I can fathom to having the "wheelchair experience" is when you get a swivel chair, and you spin around and around and around and around until you're too dizzy to see straight and you fall and hit your chin on the table. I hope I don't offend anybody out there, except for the blind people. Because they can't read this anyway! Hahahahh!
Okay, I know. I'm going to Hell. But think about it...are handicappers still handicapped in Hell? I know that one is...the monster known as Kane, a WWF Superstar who spent 28 years in a basement with a fat, greasy man with too much make-up on only to join civilized society and become a professional wrestler. Go figure. However, he's not the only disabled person to achieve success.
For your sick enjoyment, I present the argument...what would happen if the two biggest stars in the disabled industry collided?
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| RAY CHARLES | KANE |
SYMPATHY
First of all, since I've already probably offended almost everyone, let's talk about how sympathetic I am towards the disabled. First of all, there's Kane. As the story goes, Paul Bearer, the biggest, fattest, sweatiest guy this side of Tom Arnold got his swerve on with a married woman on the mortuary floor. Though I suppose Brother Paul was looking for the kitchen.. Anyway, the woman got pregnant, and had a son, which she named Glen Jacobs. Glen's older brother hated him, because Glen would always interrupt him when he would try to embalm the cat. Long story short, the older brother, Undertaker, felt froggy one night and set their funeral home on fire. The mother and father both died, but the big fat guy got out okay. Undertaker put on his bat cape and flew away, apparently to avoid the family mortician business and become a wrestling mortician. Glenny was thought dead, but instead the big fat guy somehow found time to both manager the Undertaker AND raise Glen as a child in his basement. Glen was upset, because his older brother had burned him severely and took away his ability to speak, so he did what any young impressionable child would do. He put on a red suit and changed his name to Kane. Kane spent Saturday mornings in the basement watching WWF Superstars and practicing his dentistry.
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Ray Charles Robinson was born in Albany, Georgia. That's almost bad enough, just ask Roadie. At age seven he was in an accident (read on) and was stricken blind. But that didn't stop him. He practiced his music and took piano lessons, and grew up to be a respected and loved musician who lowered himself to doing commercial spots for Kentucky Fried Chicken. That would be like Stevie Wonder doing a commercial for Blu-Blockers. That's enough to win him a category there. But aside from that, it would be Hell on Earth to be blind, honestly, I really couldn't take it. I could never see Laura Prepon, monkeys, string cheese, Andy Griffith, or an occasional George Forman infomercial. Life without the Lean, Mean, Fat-Free Grilling Machine? I don't think so!
ADVANTAGE: Ray Charles
SUPERNATURAL POWERS
They say love is blind. And God is love. Ray Charles is blind. Does that mean that Ray Charles is God?
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I don't really care, Kane can shoot lightning, and can deliver a crane-kick rivaling that of even Ralph "The Mouth" Macchio, as he is seen doing to a hapless Vader above. I've seen Kane do several things, including making fire shoot from the rampway and the ringpost. As mentioned, he can shoot lightning, and has set people on fire on a few occasions. He even shot that camera man on RAW and almost knocked him off of his camera post and to the cement floor dozens of feet below. Thank goodness it was only a stunt-man. Kane also shot fire into the face of X-Pac, which injured him for about a minute. When Hogan got burned by Sergeant Slaughter, he was messed up for a month! And remember when Undertaker was burned? He wore the Phantom of the Opera mask. I guess X-Pac had that protective layer of grease. Which brings us to a good question...if Kane can shoot fire out of his hands and the ringposts, why did he need a match and gasoline to set the Undertaker's coffin on fire? And why did he need a can of gasoline to set the Brood on fire? And WHY IS ONE OF HIS ARMS UNCOVERED? If someone from the WWF is reading, please, avoid these logic loop-holes. Just keep giving us Mark Henry making out with transvestites. Sickos.
ADVANTAGE: Kane, it's GOTTA BE KANE
THE RADAR SENSE FACTOR
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Ray Charles didn't go blind naturally. He was walking down the street and saw someone in the street, with a truck bearing down on them. Ray, being a natural hero, dove and saved the man, but was struck by the truck, and doused in the chemicals it was carrying. Ray was instantly blinded, and to make matters worse he lost the four turtles he'd just bought at the pet shop, but I guess they just died or something. Though he was blinded, all of his other olfactory senses seemed enhanced, and he even gained a radar sense, that helps him pick someone out of a crowd, play the piano, and keep from walking into walls. This did not, however, keep him from wearing the same suit for sixty years. Kane does not have a radar sense. He can't even see the Headbangers coming from miles away.
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One thing Kane has never been is bright. Even the lackluster Pat Patterson and his lovely associate Jerry Brisco could sneak up on Kane long enough to hang a Brisco Brothers Body Shop sign from his back. Basically what I'm saying is that even a blind man can get a jump on Kane, and that's pretty sad. Now let's gather the facts. Ray Charles can play piano, do commercials and all kinds of personal appearances and movies...and he's BLIND. Kane can see perfectly fine, but can get his ass handed to him by two guys in skirts. Ugh, more guys in skirts, what's up with the WWF? Pretty soon Mosh is going to paint half of himself black and talk about having "the brain damage."
ADVANTAGE: Ray Charles
MASK
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Kane was burned in a funeral-home fire, set by the Undertaker, or by Paul Bearer, or somebody, so he has to wear a mask. Don't ask me why he wears a red mask with black marks going across it, but my best guess would be that they match his outfit. Maybe he's NOT wearing the mask because his faced was burned. Remember Mortis? They said his face was severely damaged by some death-fighter guy from South-east Asia, so he had to wear the skull mask. And then he becomes Kanyon and he looks like my uncle, especially with those goofy air-brushed shirts. But those shirts are better than Diamond Dallas Page's wardrobe (shiny pants, vests, and shirts that look like he bought them in those "American Thunder" stands in the middle of the mall). Actually, Kane wears the mask because he's embarrassed to admit that he was the fake Diesel, which sounds like something Kevin Nash would come up with after a few bottles of JD and associates. The closest thing that Ray Charles wears to a mask are his glasses, which were given to him by Tommy Lee Jones so he wouldn't lose his memories. Ray doesn't complete the look though, possibly because he can't see to dress himself. Shiny blue suits just don't go with those tough guy sunglasses. I can't wait to hear Ray say "step away from your busted ass chicken and put your hands on your head." I'd probably go blind with laughter.
ADVANTAGE: THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE, IT'S KANE!!!
VOICE
Ray Charles, along with his band and Foggy Nelson, has won twelve prestigious music awards throughout his illustrious career. He is most famous for his rousing rendition of "Hit the Road, Jack," in which he tells his "woman oh woman" not to treat him so mean, only to have a group of women (in harmony) tell him how worthless he is. Is that anyway to treat a blind man? People who make fun of handicapped people should all be shot.
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Hahha, handicapped people are funny to listen to talk. Especially the ones who talk by pressing an electric razor against their neck and humming. Kane has had so much dentistry work done that he can't talk straight anymore. Perhaps if KANE WOULD TAKE OFF THE MASK he'd have an easier time talking. Shades of Ned Gerblansky, Kane talks with a voice transmitter. It is a very useful item, considering that it can allow a person with a severely damaged throat to talk. Plus, the little buttons on the side each make real wrestler noises! "DING DING!"
ADVANTAGE: OH MY GOD NO! KANE LIVES!
RESULTS
Ray Charles is ready for this one! He's at the top of the rampway with his "Uh huh" girls, and he's dancin' up a storm! Ray Charles has (probably, I don't know) waited his whole life to become WWF Champion! There's Kane's music, and....
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AND RAY CHARLES HAS CAUGHT ON FIRE! CHARLES IS ROLLING AROUND ON THE GROUND SCREAMING FOR MERCY, AND THE GIRLS ARE RUNNING IN CIRCLES SCREAMING "UH HUH!!!!" GOOD LORD, MY MOMMA'S WATCHING!!!!
THE WINNER,
3-2
KANE, IT'S
GOTTA BE KANE
the world's most disgruntled luchador
