Movie
Review: The Last Samurai
the
sword-swinging human issues epic of all-times!
written by B on january 6th - 2003
It's getting close to Oscar time, and
Nope.
A
review of Jerry Maguire
by B
Jerry Maguire used to be a typical sports agent: willing to do
just about anything he could to get the biggest possible
contracts for his clients, plus a nice commission for
himself. Then, one day a kid tells him to fuck himself and
suddenly he has second thoughts about what he's really
doing. When he voices these doubts, he ends up losing his
job and all of his clients, save Rod Tidwell, an egomaniacal
football player. Can Jerry resurrect his career while still
staying true to himself? Yes. And along the way he
can also complete himself and show Rod Tidwell the money!
It's a hilarious romp through the human psyche with a retarded
midget boy who seeks to cement his education superiority.
I'm starting a new article, and the fish are coming with
me.
Call me sentimental, but the fish are coming with me.
LittlestVampire90: D'you know that the human
head weighs 8 pounds?
Destinys2ndKid: Did you know that Jumbo
Tsuruta was the first Five Crown King, winning the Triple Crown
and the World Tag Team Titles?
LittlestVampire90: D'you know that bees and
dogs can smell fear?
Destinys2ndKid: Did you know that you were
on that Bronson Pinchot show "Meego" that made me want
to lift you high into the air and then bring you down across my
knee, to which a spear has been duct taped, so that I can devour
your still beating heart from the end of said spear as your
impaled body flaps like a fish and dies like said fish below?
LittlestVampire90: No.
LittlestVampire90: D'you know that my next
door neighbor has three rabbits?
Destinys2ndKid: Get out of the city.
Don't worry, I'm
not gonna do what you all think I'm gonna do, which is, you know,
FLIP OUT! I'm going to rave about Oscar Academy of Awards
Winner Cuba Gooding Jr.'s performance as Rod Tidwell. He is
the most acclaimed and renowned "junior" since Arnold
Schwarzenegger told his sperm to get to the chopper
Louis Gossett's son made us learn to love again, sternly, in An
Officer and a Gentleman.
A Factually Inaccurate Biography of Cuba Gooding, Jr.
Who's your motherfucker?
my dad lol
Cuba Gooding, Jr. was born to Cuba Gooding, Sr. in New York in 1968, and then starred in the Nickelodeon show Wild and Crazy Kids. WHOA WHOA WHOA WAIT JUST A MINUTE winking emoticon
THE
HORRIBLE PRE-OSCAR FILMOGRAPHY OF CUBA GOODING JR.
"Boyz N the Hood" (1991) - This saga
of a group of childhood friends growing up in a Los Angeles
ghetto is arguably one of the greatest African-American films
ever made, featuring Cuba as the horribly named "Tre
Styles" in a performance showing unlimited potential.
Laurence Fishburne acts his ass off because he is Cowboy Curtis
and Cowboy Curtis fucking rules you. This movie goes in the
"horrible" section because of two very important
contributions to the entertainment landscape:
1) Ice Cube stars as "Dough Boy." This is
what I feel lead every other rapper in existence to believe that
they are goddamn Laurence Olivier. Directly responsible for
Jet Li being appropriated by black people, the scene in "8
Mile" where Brittany Murphy gives Eminem a handjob, and the
20 movies where Master P smokes weed and pretends to act.
2) John Singleton blows his wad. His first film, at
age 23, is a crucial gem of black cinema. Singleton has
gone on to direct "Poetic Justice," "Shaft,"
"Baby Boy," "2 Fast 2 Furious," and the
Michael Jackson video where he awkwardly kisses Iman and cums by
turning into a giant pile of gold.
"Judgement" (1989) - A movie about a
gang. You can tell it's great because they misspelled the
title.
"Gladiator" (1992) - A movie
about boxers. At my signal, unleash box office Hell.
"Judgment Night" (1993) - A movie
about people on their way to watch boxing who get accosted by a
gang.
"Lightning Jack" (1994) - Cuba stars
as a mute taken hostage by Paul "Crocodile Dundee"
Hogan. Makes everyone involved feel like they've been
punched in the face and accosted by a gang.
"Outbreak" (1995) - The movie that
ushered in the era of the "disaster movie." Betsy
the monkey shows up and gives everyone a horrible disease.
"Dante's Peak," "Volcano," "Deep
Impact," "Armageddon," "Independence
Day," "Twister," "The Perfect
Storm," ...I'm looking in the piles of debris and dead
celebrities that used to be YOUR direction.
"Losing Isaiah" (1995) - A hilarious
movie about Halle Berry being a crackhead.
Then the man WINS AN OSCAR for Jerry Maguire in 1996. Since
winning, Cuba's achievements are as follows:
- Being gay and assumedly corn-holing Greg Kinnear in "As
Good as it Gets" before Kinnear is beaten to near-death by
Skeet Ulrich.
- Piloting a deadly ice cream truck with Skeet Ulrich in the ice
cream-centric drama "Chill Factor."
- Defending "Pearl Harbor" with a bunch of soldiers who
look like Skeet Ulrich.
- Pretending to be gay to win a girl in "Boat Trip;"
inadvertently ends up gay by being in "Boat Trip."
- Being gay and assumedly corn-holing Skeet Ulrich in "Snow
Dogs."
- Playing a retard in "Radio."
- Playing a retard in "The Fighting Temptations."
IMurdrCrowz: I feel for you, man.
IMurdrCrowz:
But a
real man wouldn't shoplift the pootie from a single mom.
Destinys2ndKid: I didn't shoplift the
pootie.
Destinys2ndKid: All right. I shoplifted
the pootie.
Destinys2ndKid: Your courage makes me a
champion, asshole.
AN ILLUSTRATED TIMELINE ON THE DISINTEGRATION OF RENéE ZELLWEGER'S FACE
Empire Records (1995)
Jerry Maguire (1996)
The Bachelor (1999)
Me, Myself, and Irene (2000)
Down with Love (early 2003)
Oscar Nominee Luncheon (2003)
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
IMurdrCrowz:
Ya
know! Ya know! We're together on this one! Ya know! Ya know!
Destinys2ndKid: omg
RATING
THE DRUGS THAT WILL ALLOW US TO NEVER
STOP
FUCKING
KELLY PRESTON
I will
never stop fucking you using: Viagra
Comments: This medication is used to treat
male sexual function problems (erection problems). Viagra
is taken by mouth as needed between four hours and one-half hour
before sexual activity (about one hour before is most
effective). Take only as directed, usually once daily as
needed. Sildenafil works along with sexual stimulation to
help achieve an erection. Here is a funny joke: What
does Rafael Palmiero get when he takes Viagra? A-ROD.
Oh stop being such a fucking woman and get your cock to work, you
fucking woman.
I will never stop fucking you using:
Levitra
Comments: Levitra® is a new impotence
drug that treats male erectile dysfunction, ED. According to a
recent news release by Bayer/GSK, ninety percent (90%) of men
reported improved erections. Each Levitra pill may work in as
quickly as 25 minutes and may work for up to 24 hours. So I
hope you enjoy stiffing an old lady for a whole day.
I will never stop fucking you using:
Scientology
Comments: The full body of knowledge that
comprises the Scientology religion is contained in more than
forty-million spoken and written words on the subject—all by
L. Ron Hubbard, the source and founder of Scientology.
The experiences of millions over the course of several decades
show Dianetics and Scientology to be the most effective and
practical path to spiritual improvement of any religion this
world has seen.
And in the end, it is truly Scientology that will never stop fucking you.
Help me help you finish this article.
This section reserved for line breaks
PROGRESSIVE
BOINK MISSION STATEMENT
The key to website success is personal relationships.
The people I write with here at this site are legitimately like
my family. Emily is my best friend. Nick reminds me
of the joy I had when I started writing online. The guys
and girls on the forum make me want to celebrate or punch
humanity, but nevertheless get an emotional response from me, as
I value their thoughts, opinions, and feedback. Jon
Klammy Justin is like the lover who tells me
that he'll show but never does, but keeps me waiting by the phone
on Saturday nights. And above it all, my mentor, the reason
I got into this business, our Big Boss Jon, gave me this advice:
Exactly two years from now, B, you will write an
article about how "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" is more
like "Ferris Bueller's GAY Off". This will propel
you to superstardom. On June 13, 2006, at approximately
8:43 AM, your phone will ring. Whatever you do, do not
answer it.
Oh, and B. I know you're looking at a Volkswagen Passat
right now.
Buy the Passat.
And that's what Progressive Boink is all about. Personal
relationships. Battling through writers block.
Writing entire paragraphs devoted to FORUM MEMBER
EMMALENE, who is easily the coolest vagina possessor on
the planet. FORUM MEMBER EMMALENE makes
these things worthwhile. EMMALENE is the
child looking up from my windowsill requesting a second helping
of the funny. Entire paragraphs to EMMALENE
is what this website is about. Personal
relationships. Fewer jokes. Fewer entertaining
posts. Fewer hits. More paragraphs about FORUM
MEMBERS like EMMALENE.
But for all of you -- the readers and the forum member, the
friends and the inspirations -- I am out here for you. You
don't know what it's like to be ME out here for YOU. It is an
up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell
you about, ok? I will not rest until I have you holding a
Coke, wearing your own shoe, playing a Sega game *featuring you*,
while singing your own song in a new commercial, *starring you*,
broadcast during the Superbowl, in a game that you are winning,
and I will not *sleep* until that happens.
We live in a cynical world. A cynical world. And we work in a
business of tough competitors. I love you, Progressive Boink.
You...complete me.
And now, what you've all been waiting for.
SHOW ME THE MONEY
SHOW ME THE MONEY
SHOW ME THE MONEY AS WELL
MONEY SHOULD BE IN FRONT OF YOU AS WE SPEAK
OH HERE IS THE MONEY THANK YOU I SEE IT
WHAT A PLEASANT ENDING
BRB ALL THE OTHER SAMURAIS ARE DEAD