Film:
Wild Things (1998)
She: A 30 year old pretending ot be 20; recently
married Charlie Sheen and infected with the Joker's venom.
She: A 30 year old pretending to be 20; watching
the Scream movies by herself in the dark.
B: Easily the most overrated scene in movie history.
First of all, look at that picture of Denise Richards with her shirt
off. Look at her torso. Personal preferences aside, you can't look
at that and tell me it isn't gross. She looks like a bag of snakes.
Like somebody laminated an Ethiopian. Her implants just hang from
her body, and she's got that huge head and smile, and I fear that
her head is going to split open and the Violator is going to pop
out. Secondly, this is one of many Neve Campbell "nude scenes"
where she takes off her shirt and all we see is her kissing somebody
with her back to the camera. Gee, that's really sexy Neve, let me
ejaculate to the site of your spine before Trinity sucks it out
of your navel. Thirdly, it's MATT DILLON pushing them together,
and groaning and making "oh yeah" sound effects as he
drinks from Denise's chest crevices. Matt Dillon makes me want to
vomit into ice trays and then hurl chunks of my hardened sick at
his face.
For a more hilarious group sex scene watch "The Contender,"
where Joan Allen gets fingercuffed by a couple of hippies. For a
sexier scene watch any other movie ever made. Watch "Dead Alive."
A zombie catching a lawnmower to the forehead is more entertaining
than watching Denise Richards seductively wash a car.
Emily: I've never understood the the appeal of
Neve Campbell. She's so squinty and cry-face all the time. Plus,
in every movie she does she manages to work in that *heavy sigh+whimper+hiccup*
combo she perfected in the "Scream" films as a way to
express sadness/fright/grief/orgasmic delight. That being said,
I think this scene, plastic boobs and all, would've been completely
redeemed if Matt Dillon had been replaced by Pony Boy Curtis.
Overly Sarcastic
I Love the 80s Personality says: 
"Excuse me, GARCON? I'd like a bottle of the Vintner's
Reserve and perhaps a sample of Denise Richards' bosom."
The P-Boi Sapphometer
Reading: 2 Sappho
Calista
Flockhart and Lucy Liu
 
Television Show: Ally McBeal (searchin' her soul tonight)
She: she she she oh looking for, uh, love oh and
she she she, uh, is nervous all the time about, about, about being
a lawyer, you knooooow, and and and her biological clock is, is
ticking, and oh, she she, oh (gets hit in the face with a hilariously
oversized suction cup arrow)
She: The fourth crime-fighting posession of Beyonce
Knowles, along with my girl Drew, Cam-Ron Di and Destiny.
Emily: I remember watching this when it was on
TV. The two women spent like five minutes leaning in towards each
other, Calista bugged her eyes out a little to show she was emoting,
then they kissed, while barely opening their mouths. And there was
probably a rockin' Vonda Shepard song on the soundtrack. This scene
fell right in the heyday of "must see girl-kiss tv," right
around the same time Rachel was making out with Winona, and those
two 14 year olds were gettin' freaky on that show about Sela Ward
doing the Rocketeer. But, and I've said this before, if you're going
to convince two women to pretend they want to make out, and you're
doing it soley for the brief ratings hike, at least make the ACTRESSES
to ACT like they have any interest in being there. Otherwise, just
show us more of that god damned dancing baby. God, Ally McBeal sucked.
B: As your leader, I
encourage you from time to time, and always in a respectful manner,
to question my logic. If you're unconvinced that a particular plan
of action I've decided is the wisest, tell me so, but allow me to
convince you and I promise you right here and now, no subject will
ever be taboo. Except, of course, the subject that was just under
discussion. The price you pay for bringing up either my pre-fame
stripper movies ("City of Industry") or my post-fame trite
crap-train (Charlies Angels, Ally McBeal, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever)
as a negative is - I collect your fucking head. Just like this eight
pound fucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything
else to say, now's the fucking time!
Overly Sarcastic
I Love the 80s Personality says:
"Black Mamba. I shoulda been motherfuckin' Black
Mamba. Wait no I mean remember Saved by the Bell?"
The P-Boi Sapphometer
Reading: 3 Deadly Uma
Kate Winslet
and Melanie Lynsky
  
Film:
Heavenly Creatures (1994)
She: Would rather be his whore than your wife.
She: ABSOLUTELY BONKERS!
B: My thoughts on Kate Winslet are extensive. I think she's one of the most beautiful women on the planet,
and I like about half of her movies, which is better than I can
say for even my favorite actresses. See Birch, Thora: "Dungeons
and Dragons," "Now and Then," "Hocus Pocus."
See also Johansson, Scarlett: "The Horse Whisperer," "Eight
Legged Freaks," "Home Alone 3." This happens to be
one of two films where she's had a lesbian scene, and if you get
them confused here is an easy pamphlet to explain:
1) Heavenly Creatures
- directed by Peter Jackson so it's easy to pretend that one of
the girls is Legolas (omg swoon); features girls having sex with
statues. Then with/actually with each other.
2) Holy Smoke! - the one where she pees on herself.
This is one of many films
my friend Cristy made me watch because it had lesbians in it. I
didn't have a problem with the lesbians. What I had a problem with
was Melanie Lynsky's voice. She seriously sounds like me doing a
Crocodile Dundee impression. Every time I'd attempt to take the
movie seriously she'd saunter in with a:
"We realised why Deborah
and I have such extraordinary telepathy and why people treat us
and look at us the way they do. It is because we are MAD. We are
both stark raving MAD!"
Who is she, the dead Old
Navy lady? Do an impression of Steve Irwin sticking his thumb in
a snake's butt as you read that and you've got Melanie Lynsky. The
actual scene is pretty entertaining, but Kate Winslet isn't a great
screen kisser unless she's pissing off Emma Thompson by driving
her tongue down Kenneth Branaugh's throat in "Hamlet."
Emily: Hey, farkers, check this out: Kate Winslet?! *fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap
fap* Ugh Ugh Ugh SHAZAAAAAM! *cue dead kittens*
I dunno about you man, but I'm turned on by Winslets tendency to
have sex with inanimate objects/be an inanimate object and get sexed
by Joaquin Phoenix. For that matter, I'd probably be turned on if
she were having sex with Steve Irwin. Or the crocodile. Or even
that Jeff Corwin fucker.
Overly Sarcastic
I Love the 80s Personality says: 
"Lesbians? More like thespians!"
The P-Boi Sapphometer
Reading: 3 Sappho
Larisa
Oleynik and Katherine Heigl
 
Film: 100 Girls (2000)
She: Not able to date until somebody falls in love
with her sister, Julia Stiles. So she's either moving to Harlem
or waiting for a loooong time.
She: Pretending to date her father, the hero; alien.
Emily: I'm not gonna lie, I've never seen this
movie. I think at one point I saw the last ten minutes, which I
spent staring at the screen with my head cocked to one side making
exaggerated Home Improvement "AROOO?" noises. So, we're
going to assume that "100 Girls" sucks. That being said,
I once upon a time harbored quite the crush on Katherine Heigl.
Actually, I could never figure out if I had a real crush on her,
or one of those girl-crushes that stems from just being in complete
awe/envy of another woman's body. I just know when she was on Roswell
she seemed like an Amazon, this huge girl with giant perfect boobs
and a sour expression. Then I saw that MTV version of "Wuthering
Heights" that featured Swimfan Erika Christensen fucking the
lead singer from the Ataris, and Heigl was there, looking like a
complete crackwhore. I died a little that day.
Anyway, in this scene, Heigl appears to re-enact the famous Lady
and the Tramp spaghetti scene with Larissa Oleynik, funny hat enthusiast
and professional dater of Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I'm really torn
here. On the one hand, I think that last Lady and the Tramp re-enactment
that I can remember was Hot Shots: Part Deux. I'm not sure if that
makes it tacky, or cute by reason of nostalgia. I'm leaning towards
the latter. But, on the downside, Larisa has Tiny Bangs. Boo that.
So, in conclusion, Heigl will probably be in Skinamax double-donging
it in like two years. Don't go out of your way to watch this.
B: I know they said "Secret World of Alex
Mack," but this is ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!
!!
1
Larisa Oleynik is like
the farm team for a girl I'd want to fuck. I may remember Katherine
Heigl from such television commercials as the advertisement for
"My Father the Hero," where she alarms Gérard Depardieu
and sends fourteen year old me into tongue-down business-up by being
her and wearing a thong. When people talk about bad movies they
mention Showgirls or Gigli or whatever Oliver Platt is doing now,
but "My Father the Hero" deserves more condemnation. It
not only revolves around a girl trying to impress a boy she's just
met by pretending that her father is having sex with her, but features
the Baha Men, artisans behind "Who Let the Dogs Out?"
half a decade before their reign of hellfire. I was also disappointed
with the inclusion of French people who do not attack Americans
with the French flag when their back is turned.
"100 Girls" is only better than one film: "100 Women,"
the same movie remade with girls maybe two years older by the same
director. To tell you the kind of quality we're working with, Heigl
is ACTUALLY CREDITED as "Arlene, the Competitive Tomboy"
and Oleynik is credited as "Wendy, the Girl Next Door."
He should've named his protagonist "Joe Everyman." They
kiss, kinda, and Michael Davis is forgiven yet again, in the same
vein that he was forgiven for "Eight Days a Week" when
he got full=haired Keri Russell naked. You're a slippery cad, Michael
Davis! I bet he checks into hotels as "Michael, the Shitty
Writer."
Overly Sarcastic
I Love the 80s Personality says:
"I have lost the ability to feel legitimate nostalgia
for anything. What's that on your shirt? (flicks your nose)
Haha! Remember Shrinky Dinks?"
The P-Boi Sapphometer
Reading: Pre-Crisis Katherine Heigl rates 3 on the Sapphometer
Gina
Gershon and Jennifer Tilly
 
Film: Bound (1996)
She: Playing "Corky" in the film "Bound."
She: Assumedly playing "Becca" in the
film "Bound."
B: You're BOUND to love this scene! But I almost
GAGGED! Ho ho. I'm the best writer ever.
I've got nothing against
these women. I think they're fine human beings who have a lot to
offer in their families and circle of friends. But regardless of
how many fingers are going into how many orifices I, as a twenty-three
year old, just can't get into two forty-year old women "gettin
it on" Lesbian UFC-style. I'm sorry. I know I'm in the complete
minority here. This is generally considered one of if not the best
sex scene of all-time, but as Emily once said about Willow and Kennedy
on Buffy, you can't get O-face from your finger. Maybe you can,
but if I'm to buy Gina Gershon as a butch lesbian I'm going to need
more than Jennifer Tilly's finger and boob hanging there. And when
they kiss it looks less like kissing and more like two jungle lizards
flapping their tongues in each others mouths.
Wait, whoa, I just figured
out the Matrix. So it's a MACHINE WORLD?
Huh.
Are the Bound girls in
the Matrix? I guess lesbians need love...like everything else does.
So let me say something positive about this. Gershon's character's
name is "Corky." That's hilarious. And ironic, because
she so infrequently gets corked!
Emily: As stated in the previous volume of Rating
the Lesbians, Gina Gershon is hot. Also, this movie is high on the
Gia scale. That is to say, its probably in the top five films that
have caused overweight manic depressives on the internet to declare
themselves "bi-sexual." You're not bi-sexual, dipshit,
you're just alone. Log back on and spare me the defense of "Donnie
Darko." So basically, I like this scene itself, but I hate
that this movie has become appropriated by chicks who would read
"Strangers in Paradise."
On an only slightly related note, the Tilly/Gershon scene is one
of many sex scenes that's been downloaded and viewed on B's computer.
Along with the Paris Hilton sex tape. And Low Ki vs. Amazing Red.
Of the three, the Red match gave B the biggest erection.
Overly Sarcastic
I Love the 80s Personality says:
"I am on a show about a bowling lawyer."
The P-Boi Sapphometer
Reading: 4 Sappho, with a B-rating of 2 Sappho
+
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