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I think I've known B for around five years now. We first worked
together on a site called Wrestling Uncensored, where racist
jokes about professional wrestlers helped a bunch of us literary
hopefuls feel creative. From there we fought for the same side
during the early days of X-Entertainment, ultimately deciding
that our phony careers would be better served by fighting,
feuding and plotting each other's deaths. I won't go into the
saucy details because they're pretty boring and, barring a clever
word-weaving, they'll make me look bad.
Point is, we were both involved with these bullshit article sites
before everyone on the planet seemed to have one, dating back to
a time when most were getting by posting images of feces, tits or
feces on tits. In some ways I guess this led to a kinship between
us, one that nearly makes us forget how much we hate each other.
I can't say for sure how long our mutual understanding will last,
but even when I'm back to doodling pictures of B's head being
chewed up by giant insects, I won't be able to discount his
abilities. B is a terrific writer. This is his one true love and
his passion is unparalleled, and I only mention this to point out
how rare it is to find that -- online or off. I have a tremendous
respect for the PB team, because it's one of the only sites where
reputation, hits and notoriety are absolutely secondary to the
writing. I very much hope that this site's readers understand the
gem they've bookmarked. You'll find a thousand slicker web mags
than this, but the people who bring 'em to you won't care half as
much as these guys. And gal.
They'll never be able to tell you how much harder they work and
how much more they pour into it without sounding like dicks, so
I'll take those reigns.
Anyways, here's B's latest "Invades" article, the point
of my being here. I'm a huge fan of these types of posts, and
have gotten quite a kick out of putting similar features
together. From the perspective of the writer, the pleasure comes
from finding something interesting in a place no one thought to
look. The challenge is giving life to something no one
particularly cares about, whether it's a place or a thing, a
person or a feeling. Us material boys are cursed with empathy for
inanimate objects, and while this article will surely feature a
literary rape of the products viewed, smart money says that B's
doing it because, in the end, even the world's shit deserves a
little attention.
-- Matt (4/22/04)
P-Boi
Invades!!! volume 3
The Quest
for Bulbasaur
a Big Fat Baby crucifying Jesus
written by B on March 27th - 2004
In simplest terms, the
"Dollar Store" is a place of business where one dollar
bills can be exchanged for goods, including mostly cheap candles,
cheap candle holders, and generic nondescript coloring books
featuring childrens characters like "Jenny" (the frugal
Barbie) or "Dora the Bored Middle-class Caucasian who Feigns
Interest in Biology but Mostly Smokes Green Dutches." You
know, she's the one on the cartoon who says "CERVEZA!!"
and then stares at you, blinking at three-second intervals.
Everybody knows what a freaking dollar store is, right? Okay. So
you'll understand the magnitude of this sentence: "Lynchburg
Virginia has the greatest Dollar Store in the world." The
ENTIRE world. Oh, I'm sure there's some Japanese kid with an
origami calculator figuring out a way he can make a profit
offering sexual services from teen Japanese girls in Hello Kitty
French Maid costumes for a dollar, but until that sweet, sweet
banana comes to fruitition, Wards Rd.'s "Dollar Duz It"
is the greatest.
Does a Dollar really Du It? Take
two dollar bills, one in each hand, and hold them up in front of
you. Shake the left one up and down and say "Hey baby, how
YOU doin??" in a low, manly voice. Now shake the right one
up and down and say "HEE HEE" in a high-pitched girl
voice, followed by "You're pretty!" Now make the right
one say "Come here, baby," and then push the two dollar
bills against each other, and make some sexy kissing noises. This
exercise is an allegory for my misogynistic views on
relationships and capitalism in America.
But to answer your question, a Dollar Duz the Fukk out of It. It
has everything you could ask for in a dollar store. Bad
kitchenware? Here's a pot with a hummingbird on it. Want sexy
clothes? Buy a giant teal bra. Bad toys? Try out the
"Special Agent Set," featuring a small toy gun with
suction cup bullets, a badge, and a toy hacksaw you can use to
cut the heads off GI Joes to prove your allegiance to small toy
terrorists. The world (or at least the world between the quality
of Goodwill and Wal-Mart) is at your fingertips!
Why do I bring this up? Because my heart has a hole in it. It
could be like Carrie Otis's heart, filled with holes because of
years of malnutrition and drug abuse. But no. It could be like
EXTREME's heart, with a circle shaped hole that people keep
trying to fill with square shaped objects, despite their
desperate please that only you can fill it. First of all, if I
were Extreme I would fire my surgeon. Secondly, I'd work out a
way to be in a Radio Shack commercial, so I could ask "ARE
YOU EXTREME'S MOST OUR BAND NAME FAN??" "PROVE
IT." BUT NO. My heart is nothing like Extreme. I could rip
out my heart and lay it on a pink acoustic guitar and it would
make better, more masculine music than Extreme.
My heart has a hole in it because I don't own a statue of a Big
Fat Baby crucifying Jesus.
I lack the materials and artistic persuasion to build this statue
on my own. So I turn to the Dollar Duz It's "figurine"
section.
What you see is aisle 5A, a row of
figurines each priced at one dollar regardless of size, quality,
or category. It's not very interesting when you look at it like
this, but when you actually walk it and see the figurines you
begin to understand exactly why this is article-worthy, and why I
felt the need to share some of my greatest Dollar Duz It
acquisitions with the P-Boi Audience.
Please believe me when I say that all of these items are REAL and
pictured 100% unaltered from their original Dollar Duz It sale
appearance. By owning and displaying these items I stress that I
do not necessarily agree with their existence. I'm not going to
kid you and say that these things are easy to understand or look
at. I...oh hell, let me show you.
Yes, friends, that's
a little black kid with a hooded denim shirt reading
"BOY" across the belly and back. I bought this at A STORE
in the year 2004.
It's hard to move on in a place like this. We're the shiny buckle
on the Bible belt, and as it seems the level of racism in a
person is directly proportional to their level of Jesus Fishery.
The concept of an African-American child or person being called
"boy" because of his assumed ignorance and inferiority
is so unbelievably Neanderthal and retarded to me that I can't
help but cackle when I see this figurine. Look at him. He's got
his pink hat (probably a Yankees hat) cocked to the side. His
pants are falling down. He's brandishing a tiny golf club to hit
his HUMONGOUS golf ball, and he's probably wearing that shirt as
a "throwback" for some blue-jean team from the Negro
League.
Basically I'm going to keep rationalizing it until I don't feel
bad about the figurine. Regardless, if Ruben Studdard is
seriously about offering me his sorry for 2004 just because he's
trying to stuff his greasy 205 into a bunch of skanky mail-slots
I should probably offer him two or three sorries for owning BOY.
Similarly racist as
HOLY FUCK is the "Smiling Indian Child" Bobblehead
doll, saved from a shirt that reads "HONEST INJUN"
across the front by his native costume. His big headress suggests
that he's the chief of his tribe despite looking maybe six years
old, and his big head suggests that he's Chief Running
Acromegaly.
What is it with Caucasians and their desire to kill off Indians?
Having not been born in stupidity or DEADWOOD I can't understand
it. A long time ago North America was very different from the way
it is today. There were no highways, cars, or cities. There were
no schools, malls, or restaurants. But even long, long ago, there
were still communities. A community is where a group of people
work, live, and have fun together. People made their own homes,
food, and clothing from the plants and animals they found around
them. These first Americans descended, or came, from cave men in
Asia. These were the first people to live in North America. They
are as important to the country as the land we walk around on.
But I guess I'm a hypocrite, because I wanted to kill the Indians
when Omar Visquel got a gold glove over Cal Ripken like
fifty-eleven years in a row.
And now for something completely different.
An anthropomorphic vegetable harvesting vegetables. A cannibal vegetable.
When he eats a carrot, does he gain that carrots power?
This
brings up an interesting point about Noah's Ark.
Stay with me here:
Most people believe that God destroyed the world with a flood
because of "evil men." But this isn't the case. The
Bible describes angels and demons as the same thing...only angels
support God, and demons don't. That's the gist. And both angels
and demons can walk the Earth. So these folks are wandering the
Earth and start finding human women attractive, so they mate, and
make strange amalgamated human/angel babies. These things are an
abomination to God, so God has to destroy the Earth to kill them.
So the next time you're on an "Angel" message board and
somebody starts trying to defend Connor, use this as a documented
Christian example of why Connor sucks.
Before the flood, all creatures were vegetarians. Then Connor
shows up, and Noah has to ride in a big boat with a bunch of
animals until shit dies down. Then God tells Noah that the
animals he's saved are to be used as food, because assumedly all
the vegetables and/or Edna's Edibles are all under 5,000 feet of
water. This one little line in the Bible has become an excuse for
every Christian asshole in my hometown to condescend on me for
being a vegetarian. Being a vegetarian is a sinner, because God
put animals on the Earth for you to eat!
So I like to think of my little cannibal vegetarian as a
hard-nosed Gothic answer to Christianity. God put animals on the
Earth for me to eat? HA! I'm going to use a corer to make mouths
in my tomatoes, and then stuff them with lettuce! Where's your
messiah now?
So if you're stuck on an ark and it's raining non-stop, make your way to the hedgehog section of the ark to find this little fella:
Yes, not all
hedgehogs are greedy in their Gollum-like speedy pursuit of gold
rings, some are just trying to maintain their hairstyle. Enter
HEDGEHOG WITH UMBRELLA, but enter gently, because prickly spines
can prick your prick and jolt your spine! My bad but
educationally literate and creative sentence brings up
a good point about Noah's Ark:
Do you think Noah's son "Hamm" ever got in trouble for
hanging out in the Ark Barns watching porcupines do it? For that
matter, do you think Hamm ever bought a novelty jester hat or
made really obviously bad puns just to live up to his name? Noah
should've named his kids "God," "Jesus
Lover," and "Go Holy Ghost," and then maybe his
family wouldn't have had to spend like two years watching
porcupines fuck each other.
That was a good point about Noah's Ark. But the weird thing about
this figurine is that it appears to be a candle holder. Like the
guys at the candelabra home offices got tired of making menorahs
or wizard and mushroom incense holders and really wanted to fuck
with the stoners and bag ladies at the Dollar Duz It.
Two animals who
wouldn't have made the cut on the Ark are these country bears who
have had their legs replaced with springs.
While it appears that larger bear has mastered the concept of
upward mobility, it saddens me to realize that the smaller bear
has given up and is okay being pushed around in a wagon.
I think the less said about handicapped people, the better. In
fact, we should just ignore that handicapped people exist at all.
They should have their limbs replaced with springs like these
bears a la Inspector Gadget, and we should teach them between
slobber spit takes and special games to shout GO GO GADGET when
they want their legs to work. And even if we don't replace their
legs with springs we should tell them to yell GO GO GADGET,
because it would be fucking hilarious to walk into a mall and see
some retarded kid yelling GO GO GADGET.
Speaking of the mentally challenged, nothing makes me laugh harder than the abstract suggestion of a DUCK WITH DOWNS.
Yes, much like the
WWE's loveably special Eugene Dinsmore, this duck grabbed God's
short straw.
Who is to say that a handicapped person wouldn't walk past this
duck in the figurine aisle and have it give pointed definition to
his difficult life? It's like Charles in Charge for the male
baby-sitters...this is THEIR voice, and it's finally being heard.
A mentally challenged person might not get the same kitschy joy
out of disco dancing midget that I would, so who is to say that
retarded ducks aren't necessary to make the Dollar Duz It special
for the special?
I AM.
WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO BUY A RETARDED DUCK.
A RETARDED DUCK.
COME ON.
He's just creepy. He's got a huge head and tiny eyes really close
together. He's wearing overalls and a bowtie. So are we to
believe that only ducks with problems wear clothes? Can we assume
that if we pass a pond and there's a mallard just chilling there
being a duck that he's somehow better at cognitive thought and
deductive reasoning? That the mallard in question won't just
randomly grunt while I'm trying to wait his family's table at a
restaurant, causing me to look at him funny and feel bad that I
sneered at a retarded kid in front of said family?
What can I say? He's kinda cute, even if I can't figure out why
he exists or why he's carrying a heart on a spring. But don't
think I dislike retarded people for being mentally different from
me, that's not the case. Have you ever read anything I've written
on the Internet? If you have, you know that it took me like 400
thoughts before I even figured out he was retarded.
The first 200 or so were about how difficult it'd be for Kurt Angle to put a duck with feet that big in the ankle lock.
Hey, look, I found a figurine of ProBo's own writer/director Jon Bois!
And now here's Abraham Lincoln on the toilet.
Okay, I'll admit,
there's some evidence to this not actually being Abraham Lincoln
on the toilet.
1) He's dressed like a big boy scout.
2) The thing he's squatting on looks more like a fountain than a
toilet, complete with a Valerie Vomit Garbage Pail Kid trying to
escape from inside the walls.
3) He's holding a hammer and a pot, and is sitting over a pile of
dirty/broken dishes.
So the story as we can deduct is that there is a boy scout who
looks like Abraham Lincoln with Abraham Lincoln's signature
facial hair who has decided to take a break from smashing his
dishes with a hammer by sitting in a fountain or well or toilet.
I think I speak for everyone reading that it is a) funnier and b)
more logical to think of this as Abraham Lincoln on the toilet.
LITTLE KNOWN QUOTE! "Fourscore and
seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new
nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition
that all men are created equal, especially when SITTING ON A
TOILET BREAKING DISHES." Lincoln's Gettysburg Address
on November 19, 1863. LITTLE KNOWN QUOTE!
LITTLE KNOWN BURT REYNOLDS COWBOY
If there can be an argument
against the Presidential prowess of the Lincoln/toilet fiasco,
there can be no argument denying the Old West Burt Reynoldsocity
of Burt Reynolds Cowboy.
Can we explain this one at all? Maybe it's Burt's great-great
grandfather "Griff Reynolds," a rootin' tootin'
gunfighter with a penchant for falling into large piles of
manure, and by "large piles of manure" I mean the
great-great grandmother of Loni Anderson.
Okay, I'm 24 fucking years old, give me a break. I've watched SNL
(and MadTV), and if Saturday Night Live has taught me anything
it's that
1) Burt Reynolds was a celebrity who was married to Loni
Anderson.
2) Burt Reynolds is a jerk who chews gun and is kind of weasly.
3) Burt Reynolds is bad at Jeopardy.
And if MadTV has taught me anything it's that Burt Reynolds was a
frightening man-child with a rosy complexion who liked to kick
people and then show them that he could jump poorly.
I am desperately and sadly a child of popular culture. So to end
this segment about Burt Reynolds Cowboy, here is a picture of The
Self-proclaimed World's Greatest Tag Team finishing him off.
This brings up an interesting fact about Noah's Ark:
Destinys2ndKid: hey guy, what're your feelings on Noah's ark?
Boiskov: i believe that Jesus died on the ark!
Destinys2ndKid: So what do you think about Noah's ark?
Roxymoron87: I think it's great. Without the original Noah, the
world could never have experienced "Second Noah" and
DOWN-TO-EARTH, LAZER-EYED HOTTIED JAMES MARSDEN.
Destinys2ndKid: Hey, what are your thoughts on Noah's ark?
Basher
Lemming: Uh... It's a big
boat?
Destinys2ndKid: gg
Wait, no it doesn't.
Hey, don't you think this post is a little low on animal anus?
Ladies and gentlemen, a blue
pig doing a handstand. That's a pretty pedestrian choice for a
hilarious find and observation after I've showcased a shitting
President. But trust me, gentle reader, I wouldn't let you down
without
HARDCORE ANAL
Yes, the pig's butt crack is a
bank.
I don't know if it's intentional or not, but I feel as though
telling a child that he or she should learn the value of saving
their money over spending it by asking them to put their change
in the ass of a pig is a flawed idea. But I guess it does explain
why my little brown baby told me a "penny saved is a penny
later found in a piece of sausage" yesterday.
According to the Bible, booty sex is the color wheel opposite of
"Jesus," and this trip to the Dollar Duz It was based
around my desire to see Him crucified by naked children. So,
being me, I went to the first thing that pops into my head when I
hear the word "Jesus."
My old crush, Karla Davis. I even found a figurine that looks
just like her:
But sadly that was back in 2001. Now she kinda looks like Chester Copperpot did when the Goonies found him.
Here's an illustration:
And I can say from the bottom of my heart that there is no greater evidence against the existence of God.
But then I did another walk down the aisle and whoops, I found Jesus being crucified by a big naked monster baby.
The quick facts:
- Jesus appears to be an Elven midget, because he is the same
height as a baby, yet his head and body are roughly 1/3rd the
girth. You could fit four Jesus heads into one hideous baby head.
- Jesus is being crucified on a cross much to large for him, and
it's strangely made of paper because it's pages are being turned
down at the corners.
- The cross is located on a sparkly cloud where giant roses grow.
- The huge baby is not only naked but clutching a heart, which I
am to believe has just been removed from Jesus, despite it being
two times too big to fit in his ribcage. But I guess they always
said Jesus had a big heart, eh?
- The bottom of the figurine says it was "MADE IN
CHINA," so I'll chalk this up to messy translation. Like the
Asian people gave us "ALL YOUR BASE BELONG TO US" and
we trade them "The Passion of the Christ" rewritten by
Anne Geddes and Hunter S. Thompson.
And since I can't say anymore, I'm going to end this the way my
mentor Matt Carararrararacapapppa would.
With a SKIT.
Jim Ross: DAMMIT
KING, DAMMIT.
Jerry Lawler: WOOHOO, THAT BABY IS NAKED
Jim Ross: Is that all you think about King???
That man just died for your sins. FOR YOUR DAMN SINS
Jerry Lawler: HAHA, (insert some irrational heel
reason why Jesus deserves it)
Jim Ross: WAIT
A DAMN MINUTE KING
Jerry Lawler: It's Shelton Benjamin!
Jim Ross: And despite Shelton being a Christian
he MAH GAWD DOUBTS AND DEFIES JESUS! MY SON OF GOD KING
Jerry Lawler: WOOHOO, THAT BABY IS STILL NAKED,
I CAN SEE 2 YEAR OLD GIANT VAGINA
Jim Ross: DAMMIT
SON OF A BITCH, CHARLIE HAAS...HAAS... CHAR...HE JUST
Jerry Lawler: It's Shelton Benjamin JR!
Jim Ross: UNPRETTIER
Jerry Lawler: No, that was a chairshot.
Jim Ross: THE DASTARDLY UNPRETTIER KING, CARNAGE
IN THE RING
Jim Ross: JESUS
HAS BEEN BUSTED OPEN KING
Jerry Lawler: That naked baby makes MY BLOOD run
to my PENIS!
Jim Ross: DAMN CRIMSON MASK
Jerry Lawler: *has sexy with child* *well, has
sex with child AGAIN I guess*
THE END
