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P-Boi Invades! 2
The Hollywood Cemetery
written by b and ULTIMO DRAGON- november 11th - 2003
Previously on P-Boi INVADES! ...
I had expunged my child and several dozen of her dead little brothers and sisters
into my girlfriend's bingo ... I thought Spam would be the most nostalgic
thing I could find at the Dollar Store, but look what else I found at the Dollar
Store that was nostalgic at the Dollar Store!!! ... OPEN THE DOOR!
OPEN THIS DOOR OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL YOU! ... In conclusion,
raising a child is hard work! ... (cougar noise) grrrrr ...
(john cougar noise) hold on to sixteen as long as you can, changes come
around real soon make us women and men.
The following takes place between 1 P.M. and 2 P.M. on the day of the California Presidential Primary. Events occur in real time.
...three years
later...
Hey guys. I know I haven't been doing a lot of posting lately ...
in fact I haven't posted for about three years ... but it's been
a really difficult and exciting time for me lately, what with
facing down a cougar in the California wilderness! The worst part
was when I thought I saw my daughter explode and got an overload
of shock that gave me amnesia. So now I'm trying to write another
INVADES! post and I can't remember anything I wanted to write. I
know I've got like twenty of these things written on notebooks,
but when I was abducted the terrorists took the books and used
them to write articles for Drazen-Entertainment.com. I thought about writing about my favorite movie, The
Mask, but every time I wrote a paragraph the words
sucked the will to live out of my brain and I fell asleep. I
mean, Jim Carrey, what can you say about him that hasn't already
been said? WHAT A CHARACTER!
Jon is basically forced to wait for me to get over my condition,
which means that we have to hire a bunch of new writers. Two
weeks ago Mark debuted with an article called "The Crippled Masters," which I'm sure is great (I skimmed it to
look at the pictures, which were very well written). This week
Emily debuted with an article about the misappropriation of West Virginia in the Entertainment industry. In it she
talks about Wrong Turn, so I can't read it, because Wrong Turn is
the scariest movie I've ever seen! Hillbillies laughing while
climbing trees! Such is the foodstuffs of nightmare!
Because it is easier to hire STFU n00bs instead
of writing myself, I have decided to follow the trend and hire a
friend to write in my place. He isn't from America, so prepare
for some broken English and some cross-cultural hijinx! BBFN!
Or since my name is B, should I say BBBFN! LOFL
Hello! My name is ULTIMO DRAGON. You may remember me from such programs as
The Super J-Cup 1995, or WWE Velocity. My career has spanned over
three decades and dozens of promotions, including AAA, WAR, and
EMLL. In WCW my unique style got over well and he had feuds with
Squire Dave Taylor, Yeti the Living Mummy, one or maybe two of
the High Voltage guys, The Dog, and Oklahoma (among others) over
the WCW TV and Cruiserweight titles. However the promotion's
incompetence literally destroyed my career. I injured my left
elbow during a match and the official WCW doctor operated me on
July 21, 1998, but the doctor accidentally cut a nerve in my arm
and I also suffered an elbow infection after the operation. Once
I got so mad that I stormed into the doctor's office and
screamed, "YOU HAVE SOME NERVE!" but the doctor replied
with, "WELL AT LEAST I'VE GOT A NERVE." It was a true
ZING POW, as I was forced to my knees there in front of his desk
and began tapping frantically. The doctor was TOM WILSON,
CREATOR OF ZIGGY.
Being Japanese I like to play a lot of video games, and my
favorite spell in Final Fantasy is BIO.
Name: Yoshihiro Moonsault
Real name: ULTIMO DRAGON
Nicknames: The Last Student of Bruce Lee; The Blind Fist of Bruce Li
Name history: Moonsault d00d (Japan, 90 -
10/91), Ultimo/Ultimate/Saigon Dragon (10/91 - 10/98), The Heat
is On in Saigon Dragon (10/98 - the time I realized Broadway
jokes aren't funny) Ultimo Dragon (10 seconds after 10/98 - )
Family: none
Maestro(s): Ladies and Gentlemen Mr. Elton John
Birth date: December 12, 2025 - Nagoya, Japan
Debut: May 13, 2025 - Arena Afición - Pachuca,
Hidalgo
Height: 5'8"/173 cms
Weight: 183 lbs/83 kg
Signature moves: Dragon Sleeper, Asai Moonsault
(named after him), Top-Rope Frankensteiner, Top-Rope
Wolfmasteiner, La Magistral (Hermione)
Titles: UWA World Middleweight Title (5), UWA
World Welterweight Title, IWGP Junior Heavyweight Title (2), NWA
World Middleweight Title, WAR International Junior Heavyweight
Title, Great Brital Commonwealth Junior Heavyweight Title, Oh
Behave Austin Powers Impression Festival Best in Show (2), NWA
World Junior Heavyweight Title, NWA World Welterweight Title (2),
WWA World Junior Light Heavyweight Title, UWA World Junior Light
Heavyweight Title (2), UWA/WWF World Light Heavyweight Title, WAR
World 6-man Tag Team Titles (w/ Genichiro Tenryu & Nobutaka
Araya), WCW World Cruiserweight Title (2), WCW World TV Title
(2), Nagoya County Fair Pie Eating Champion (4)
Recently Vince McMahon, chairman of World Wrestling
Entertainment, signed me to a contract and scheduled me to
compete in the cruiserweight division on his Thursday program,
Smackdown. Almost immediately McMahon changed his mind and took
me off television. Why?
Well, I only speak broken English. I have a more businesslike
in-ring style, like those in Mexico and Japan, whereas McMahon
generally prefers a more animated American style with more crowd
interaction. For example, I usually try to put on a realistic and
exciting athletic contest when I'm in the ring; McMahon suggests
that I get a blowjob from a transvestite or push someone's face
into a birthday cake. I like to think of it as a culture clash. I
wear glittery spandex. Vince is a multimillionaire in a tweed
business suit. One of us is a creepy, homosexual, pedophiliac
asshole. One of us wears glittery spandex.
Not being able to do what I get paid for allows me a lot of time
for hobbies! I like to collect hilarious cookie jars. I have one
that looks like a penguin, but since he lives in the Arctic he is
also wearing a woolen cap and scarf! My touring of America has
allowed me to peruse even your most obscure Hallmark stores, even
the ones that sell Tundra Swans with woolen caps and scarves. I
found a Rough-legged Hawk wearing a pair of skis. The store
clerk, a red-faced lady in a snowman sweater, laughed
condescendingly about my knowledge of Arctic birds, so I brought
my hands together and set her store on fire. I ruined an entire
rack of Star Trek Enterprise Christmas ornaments. Now when Scott
Bakula gets to the store to buy the ornament of him sitting in
the captains chair he won't find it, and will have to buy one of
the hundred T'Pol standing-sexily ornaments instead. So it'll be
kinda like when Scott Bakula watches Star Trek Enterprise.
I also like browsing the malls of America for Hot Topic stores,
because no other store offers more dragon merchandise per capita.
I can find dragon tank tops, dragon lanyards, dragon necklaces,
dragon shoes, dragon thong panties, and dragon mesh arm warmers.
If I were a fourteen-year old with horrible taste in music this
store would be my reason to live. Hot Topic is also filled with
iron-on T-shirts and poorly produced stuffed animals of my
favorite cartoon heroes from the 1980s. I found a Grumpy Bear
sweatshirt for only fifty dollars! As I was leaving with my
purchases recently I saw a twelve-year old saunter by me wearing
a Knight Rider ringer-tee. It made me want to kick him in the
ass, kick him in the chest, kick him in the ass, kick him in the
chest, and then kick him in the face.
But I like to throw streamers at my favorite thing to do on tour:
Study American history! I have been interested in your country's
history since the birth of the nation, when
everyone ran around silently hanging black people. That sounds a
lot worse than I mean it to. Maybe if I say it again with broken
English, as you may expect? HANGING BRACK PEOPLE.
No, that's not any better. Sirentry...brack people...no, it still
sounds like I'm in Hot Topic writing about Space Ghost. Hey, it's
not my fault you people have so much Intolerance.
You Orphans of the Storm could never come close
to reaching the understanding of Japan's Broken Blossoms.
The worst part is that your average American, your Sally
of the Sawdust, knows so little about American history
that she cannot even name your Presidents, much less say that she
has interacting with them. So, using my free time, I went Way
Down East to INVADE a historical landmark and help you
Progressive Boink readers relive the glory days of America
through my eyes, slanted eyes slightly obstructed by a glittery
lamé dragon mask. What else do I have to do? And who better to
discuss the dead than the buried?
My fighting spirit
lead me to Hollywood Cemetery in Richmond, Virginia, burial site
of two American Presidents, one Confederate States President, and
assumedly the gay guy from the Mannequin movies. Located on the
North end of Robert E. Lee Bridge or just off the Belvidere
Street Exit of I-195, you can reach Hollywood by car from most of
the suburbs within minutes. Once inside the cemetery gates, one
quickly notices that Hollywood's natural setting is designed to
encourage families and other visitors to explore and take time to
reflect and remember.
Remember.
Remember.
I took the natural setting as a design to encourage THE ULTIMO DRAGON and other visitors from Toryumon to
explore and take time to pose on gravesides and brag about the
people they've defeated. For you see, I could not earn the title
of ULTIMO by winning an MTV game show and wrestling
fat Samoans every week on a Sunday recap show. I earned ULTIMO status early in my career by dethroning the top
star of the Revolutionary WAR promotion, President James Monroe.
James Monroe,
(1758-1831), 5th President of the United States.
Monroe's public career was shaped by three great influences: the
American Revolution; the principles of the Republican party,
which he helped found; and his diplomatic experiences. He worked
to achieve the revolutionary ideal of a representative government
based on free institutions, first through the battle to defeat
the Federalists and, secondly, as president, by attempting to
eliminate CRAZY MAX, which he regarded as destructive of
republican government.
I defeated Monroe at the Battle of J-Cup in 1831. Don't believe
me? The proof is in the pudding -- the grey, dusty goop still
sitting coldly inside his "War Cabinet." He was buried
in the Hollywood Cemetery inside a fifteen-foot high unforgiving
steel cage. His eulogy, written by Netcop Scott Keith, can be
seen inscribed on his tomb.
411history.com/wrestling
- Opening match, J-Crown
title: Ultimo Dragon v. James Monroe. This is during the
"Era of Good Feelings." The Encyclopedia Americana is
still billing him as “Ultimate Dragon” at this point
(1831), but since it's not around to defend itself anymore I'm
going to willfully ignore that bit of stupidity from now on.
Monroe was elected president by an overwhelming majority in 1816.
His unopposed reelection in 1820 ranks him with Washington as the
least partisan of American presidents. This apparent political
harmony gives some justification to the label Era of Good
Feelings, an expression coined by a Federalist newspaper. Dragon
starts with a headlock, into a wristlock and armbar takedown.
Monroe goes to the Southern States, but Dragon keeps him grounded
and slams him for two. They trade a hammerlock and Dragon flips
out of a wristlock. Complex crisscross sequence goes nowhere, but
looks nice. Dragon gets the kick combo, but Monroe charges and
goes to the apron, then gets dropkicked to the floor. Suplex in
is reversed by Monroe, reversed again to a German suplex by
Dragon for two. Dragon drops him face first off a whip and throws
some stiff kicks. Spinning backbreaker drop and Monroe seeks
refuge. Tensions and disputes inherent in a free political
system, however, leave him entangled in sectional differences and
beset by personal rivalries. Dragon goes into a half-crab, then a
powerbomb -> hotshot combo for two. Monroe gives some
direction to domestic events--by supporting increases in the
tariff, opposing restrictions on slavery in Missouri as a
prerequisite to statehood, and rejecting federal subsidy of
internal improvements except by constitutional amendment--but in
general, partisan and sectional jealousies overwhelmed his good
intentions. Running Ligerbomb gets two. Monroe gets a quick leg
lariat and double-jump moonsault for two, however. A springboard
dropkick puts Dragon out, and Monroe follows with a triumphant
foreign policy. Back in, sunset flip gets two, reversed for two.
Monroe cartwheels into a Rush-Bagot Agreement for two. Dragon
gets a Dragon suplex for two. Powerbomb is reversed by Monroe
into his Adams-Onis Treaty for two. Monroe scores with a
BONZO-GONZO TREATY. The Monroe Doctrine is caught, however, and
Dragon finishes with a slingshot powerbomb for the pin at 13:46.
Quite the opener there. **1/2 A bit one-sided for Dragon for my
liking, though. But then again, I'm completely joyless.
They followed my match with the First Ever Republican Party Thong
Stinkface match between Eliza Monroe and Dolley Madison, which
completely killed our heat.
Shortly after my victory I set my sights on another Hollywood
Cemetery Plotsmith, First President of the Confederate States of
America Mr. Jefferson Davis. Imagine my surprise at finding out
that Davis actually died of malaria in 1889 after defeating
Triple H in a tag team match, and was then promptly buried by the
Game at the next pay-per-view, the Battle of Elimination Chamber.
Evolution, 1865
John Tyler's
rise to the highest office in the nation signaled the last gasp
of old Virginia aristocracy in the White House. Born a few years
after the American Revolution in 1790 to a family that traced its
roots back to the 1650s in the Old Dominion, Tyler was the last
President of the nineteenth century raised there. The man to
whom his fate would be tied, William Henry Harrison, was born in
the same county, and both their fathers served as governor
of Virginia. As we know (from the Simpsons and not from school),
William Henry Harrison died in 30 days and Tyler took his spot.
Tyler was a strong leader, but he let his opposition towards
Nationalism made him power hungry, and he started booking Andrew
Jackson into handicap matches every week. By the end of his term
in office, Tyler had been drummed out of the Whig Party and
vilified by the Democrats. Indeed, he was on the outside looking
in as far as reelection was concerned. His followers held a
convention and nominated him as a third party candidate for
President, but he stood no chance of victory.
The Whigs nominated Henry Clay. Many Democrats nominated Ultimo
Dragon, a "Cruiser Whate," or largely air-based and
therefore unassailable candidate, from Nagoya. Clay's support was
narrow and brittle, and no one knew what to make of the
politically mute Dragon. Tyler felt that his advantage lay in the
powers of his office. Consequently, he used his position to try
to move the Texas issue to another vote and ride the issue to
victory. Unfortunately, though he won Tuesday in Texas
annexation, it did little to improve his chances. I was still
WAITING TO BE IMPRESSHED, and the GAME WAS ON.
1844 [SLASH] Presidential Election Results
(26 States in the Union)
ULTIMO
DRAGON (challenger - 182 lbs. - with cape of many colors) v.
TIPPECANOE AND TYLER TOO (champion - under the weight of most
solemn obligations - with tippy canoe)
referee: JAMES G. BIRNEY
Ultimo Dragon scores with a back heel kick on Tyler. Tyler
counters a sleeper hold by turning it into his "exchequer
system" submission lock. Good move. I'd like to take this
opportunity in the middle of my match report to ramble on about
something you really couldn't care less about. Ultimo gets
slammed. The referee goes down after accidentally getting CAUGHT
by an elbow to the face. Massive Log-Cabin Bill. Hooks the leg,
but there's no referee to make the count. The Prez gets taken
down out of nowhere. Second rope flying axe handle, Tyler goes
down. Tyler takes a hurrancarana, the masked man hooks the leg:
1, 2, no way. Ultimo Dragon with an enziguri. Pin: 1, 2, no!
Shoulder up at the last second. Hey, want to buy me something
from my wishlist? Tyler NAILS the Compromise Movement in the
corner, Ultimo is down. 2 count only. Check it out, at the end of
this I'm going to be anal and transcribe Tyler's entire post
match speech. Dragon hits a right hand out of nowhere. Tyler is
in TROUBLE. This match is just kinda dragging along, like my
writing ability after 1997. Here it comes - Flipping Reverse DDT.
1....2...3, it's finished. (18:44) After the
match, Tyler GRABS a mic: ""Our fathers created -- we
have to preserve. They built up through their wisdom and
patriotism monuments which have eternalized their causes. You
have before you, gentlemen, a task especially grand, equally
sublime, quite as full of glory and immortality. You have to
snatch from ruin a great and glorious Confederation; to preserve
the Government and zzzzzzzz to renew and invigorate the
Constitution. I confess myself ambitious of sharing in
zzzzzzzzzzz the glory of accomplishing this grand and magnificent
oh oh God my brain just exploded."
I was always under the impression that if you Tippecanoe everyone
falls out into the water.
But yeah, the CRZ
recap is on Tyler's monument, but the transcription of the speech
is so long that the middle paragraphs are written in stone
formations on the ground in front of the tomb, with the final
thoughts written on the street in colored chalk by local
schoolchildren too nerdy to draw a hopscotch board. I said my
good-byes to John Tyler and made my way out of Hollywood
Cemetery, all the while desperately trying to think of a way to
make a joke about CIMA and James K. Polk.
On the way out I passed by some wrestler graves, including the
late great Owen Hart.
Sometimes people ask
me, "ULTIMO
DRAGON," they say,
screaming, "who do you think was better, Bret Hart or Owen
Hart?" I have to think long and hard about this one. Bret
has a legacy of technical excellence, while Owen's legacy
revolves around what he meant to people and how much fun he had
in the ring. Bret was a 5 time WWF champion, 2 time tag team
champion, 2 time Intercontinental champion, and repeat King of
the Ring winner. Owen liked to dick around in the ring and hit
people with a big bag of popcorn. It's just so amazingly close, I
don't think I could pick a favorite Hart.
As I was exiting the gates and contemplating scratching this idea
for a post about Mortal Kombat, I saw something incredible:
A
STATUE OF THE VIRGIN MARY CRYING BLOOD.
I had heard about the
legends. The Blessed Mother's face became so miserable with tears
and blood, as she was weeping for the children in the world who
are mired in sins and refuse to repent. The Church of Rome has
always claimed that miraculous powers have been transmitted to
her and that her relics, images and saints have all wrought
– and continue to work – miracles; but the character of
the doctrines which Rome’s "miracles" are
calculated to support warrants us to reject them out of hand, for
the Bible declares that any sign given or wonder wrought in
support of any doctrine contrary to the Word of God (like the
Romanist system) is, without further examination, to be
pronounced false.
But true or false I knew what I had to do.
I had to put her to sleep.
I locked on my
patented Dragon Sleeper (named after my mentor, Ultimo Sleeper, a
wrestler who would often use the same joke twice) and prayed for
Mary to cease her weeping and fall into a deep slumber. As a
Japanese, Shintoist, masked professional wrestler I consider this
my duty. I mean, The Blessed Virgin Mary is the mother of Jesus,
the mother of God. And here her stone cold face was bleeding
rivulets of ooze, her soul expressing itself through a man shaped
piece of stone, showing the world that miracles happen and that
we will all be saved.
But the last thing I wanted was for my boss to strut into
Hollywood Cemetery and ask Mary to "tone down the
miracles." I didn't want Mary to have to handcuff her style
as to not upset the main-eventers. So I put her to sleep.
And now, as to not upset the main-eventers, this brings P-Boi
INVADES volume 2 to a close.*
*
?????????????????????????????
.......
.......
TO BE CONCLUDED
*cue guitars*
COME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON
bow wiggy wow
we wiggy we wow wow wow