Addendum 9-5-06,

Steve Irwin
(1962-2006)

If the world ever gets another Steve Irwin, the world is a whole hell of a lot better than I thought it was. Rest in peace, Croc Hunter.

(note - all 4 Wiggles: still alive)

One of the true joys of my childhood was a well done comic book crossover.  Memories of family and friends are replaced with Wolverine stabbing Hulk in the face eleven times a page for eleven pages and Spider-man getting his limit break and fucking up Superman's spit curl.  Sadly, much in the way that baseball cards were ruined by the annual increase in insert cards, the bunny humping jump in crossovers killed my love of comics.  By 1993 we had X-Force crossing over with X-Factor crossing over with X-Men.  By 1994 you could open up any book, be it Sandman or Archie, and see the Punisher standing there with a gun and a big word balloon reading "HEY GUYS I AM THE PUNISHER brb," and he'd be gone for the rest of the issue.

We live in a golden age of child entertainment crossovers but we, and I'm speaking for those of us who were born pre-Home Improvement, are too old to enjoy it.  As you might know, I have a brown little baby.  So when Christmas rolled around I decided to cook up the best possible kiddy crossover I could imagine and surprise her.  I went into my woodshed and worked lovingly for upwards of six Coronas to handcraft a diorama depicting the IMAG-I-NERRY first meeting of Barney the Dinosaur and Mike Tyson.  As a mediocre standup comedian I thought this was hilarious.  My girlfriend thought a Negro punching a dinosaur was too confrontational for a small child.  I through the diorama against the wall and stormed out.  That really showed her who was boss.

So I went to Best Buy looking for a way to calm down.  I knew I had to stay for at least half an hour to allow time for my girlfriend to stop crying, clean herself up, and heat up the Lean Pockets brand Hot Pockets.  I had to give an extra three minutes because the Lean Pockets brand is feuding with the Hot Pockets brand and I didn't want my trip to Best Buy to end with me getting Samoan Dropped and splashed.  Wait a minute.  Did I say THREE MINUTES.  Fuck, I already made that joke, hold on.

Wait a minute.  Did I say THREE MINUTES.  i enjoy best buy because money can be exchanged for goods and services and they carry all the hottest new releases

See, I'm getting better at this "writer" thing.  But what I'm not getting better at is finding a gift for my little mulatto piccola.  I had decided just to buy her the special edition of "The Color Purple," because it's racially friendly and I could just keep it for myself.  I think it pisses God off when you walk by "The Color Purple" in a store and don't notice it.  But then I saw Crocodile Hunter and The Wiggles starring in "Wiggly Safari" on DVD and I said SCREW THE COLOR PURPLE and now I think God wants to fight me.  But here is a post about Wiggly Safari.

The plot is as such:  The Wiggles are driving in the Australian Outback and get lost.  The Crocodile Hunter finds them and invites them to dick around his zoo for an hour before they go home.  That's your synopsis.  In conclusion Wiggly Safari is comparable and contrastable.

Crikey, follow me m8, me self respect went this way!

As you may already know, Steve Irwin is the Crocodile Hunter, which is weird because he doesn't hunt crocodiles he saves and conserves them so he should be called Crocodile Saver and Conservationist moreso than Crocodile Hunter!!!  His hobbies include talking about animals.  I'm serious.  That's all her ever does.  If you walked up to Steve and said, "Hey Steve, what do you think about the War in Iraq?" he'd be all, "uh...wild...uh...poisonous, uh, bird?"  We're all in agreement that his show would be better if he just blurted out "I'M STEVE IRWIN" between childish or asinine remarks about his animal guests.  The Croc Hunter also enjoys running, jumping on things, being bitten, being attacked, eating Vegemite, hearing hearing the thunder and subsequently running and taking cover, playing the didgeridoo, and having a better than average chance of getting out of here with that jacket.

His family is moderately to-severely entertaining as well.  Irwin met his wife Terri while doing a wildlife demonstration at Australia Zoo.  Terri and Steve succeed at marriage because they are the two most enthusiastic people on the face of God's green name.  They love animal conservation like I love wrestling, or like most people love breathing.  The only difference is that when Steve and Terri are done having sex Terri rolls over and says "so how about that Australian Dugong," where as when I'm done having sex I roll over and request a sandwich, and then watch Kawada kick somebody's face off in my spare time.  Another difference is that when Terri mentions the Dugong Steve goes "Do right mate" and tells her seventeen facts about the Dugong, where as I would be breaking the laws of nonfiction by having sex with a girl with a legitimate natural love of Toshiaki Kawada.  I can't really spread the love, either, because it's hard to give a girl the GAMENGIRI and not go to jail.

But when Terri and Steve do have sex they genetically jackhammer the planets into alignment and create the perfect DNA for a child.  Enter Bindi Sue Irwin.  But wait until she's eighteen.

The adorable future of mediocre standup comedian nature show observational jokes.

Bindi, named after her parents favorite Crocodile (Bindi) and Steve's pet dog (Suey -- not shitting you here), is in all seriousness the coolest little girl who has ever lived.  I imagine that three year old Asia Argento may have been cooler, smoking cigarettes and riding around Italy on her scooter flipping people off between shouts of "ciao," but without the proper documentation Bindi takes the award.  I have a serious love for Bindi in a way that is hard to understand.  I don't really like children and having worked in the foodservice industry for as long as I did I usually want to pick them up in their high chairs and throw them into a river and then hurl the river into the sun.  Why do you let your kid play with the sugar caddy?  Do you think the next customer wants your survived abortion's booger dribble in their coffee?  Why do you ask for crackers?  So you child can learn about physics by imploding the saltine into forty-four fucking billion hard-to-vacuum pieces?  I love Bindi because Bindi would never do these things.  If she was bored before her kids chicken fingers got to the table Steve could just throw a tarantula on her face and she'd be thrilled.

So yeah, no matter how many jokes I make about the Irwin family, the truth is that I admire and appreciate what they do and love them for being so sincerely enthusiastic about it.  They make the world a better place for a lot of animals that your average human being doesn't give a damn about.  The jokes about Croc Hunter and Terri are all in fun, and if they or their fans ever come across this I want them to know that I have nothing but the utmost respect for them.

None of that is true about the fucking Wiggles.

Somebody just asked them what "dignity" was.

Hi!  We're the Wiggles!  I'm Greg!  I'm Murray!  I'm Jeff!  And I'm Anthony!  And I'm going to eat battery acid and vomit deadly bile in my mouth.  The Wiggles are a children's entertainment group who have broken new boundaries in the industry by putting on live shows where they play acoustic guitar and sing vanilla spoken-word songs about friendship to an arena full of awkwardly dancing kids in two-hundred dollars worth of merchandise and hand-clapping parents fumbling toward middle-aged Caucasian mediocrity.

The most difficult aspect of Wiggly Existence is trying to think of a unique way to degrade them.  Do you think The Wiggles don't catch a lot of shit when they aren't in the color-coded shirts?  They get semi trucks of fan mail for acting like RETARDED HOMOSEXUALS, so do you think they care if somebody walks up to them and says THE WIGGLES ARE RETARDED HOMOSEXUALS?  Of course not.  They are confident in their sexuality and piles of money.  Even if they were RETARDED HOMOSEXUALS, would they deny a world full of RETARDED Australian kids such a potent dose of HOMOSEXUALITY?  It works out well for us. If the youth of Australia are transformed into RETARDED HOMOSEXUALS by the RETARDED HOMOSEXUAL WIGGLES they will be unable to reproduce.  This will save our children and our children's children from Silverchair nostalgia.

The Wiggles aren't as much of a team as a posse.  They have color coded shirts which means they used to be "teenagers with attitude."  Greg, Yellow Wiggle, is the lead vocalist and a practicing magician.  His tricks sometimes don't work out how he planned, but magic is still very fun!  Murray is the Red Wiggle.  This is also a hilarious euphemism for a girl dancing while on her period.  Anthony is the Blue Wiggle.  He plays guitar and is a food enthusiast.  He eats as much food as possible even when he shouldn't, like when it's reserved or rationed for other people.  He is greedy and a sloth and bound for Hell.  He should accept Jesus Christ as his personal savior.  Jeff, the Purple Wiggle, formed Team 2000 after he had problems with Keiji Mutoh in nWo Japan.  Jeff likes to sleep, and this is 100% of his comedy. 

Blinky really misses Sandy at times like these.

If Rob Schnieder comedies have taught us nothing else it's that disorders like narcolepsy are hilarious.  I think maybe Jeff has anemia.  That would be a laugh and a haugh.  YOUR RED BLOOD CELS ARE DRAMATICALLY REDUCED.  TAKE MY RED BLOOD CELS PLEASE.

If The Wiggles are 50 Cent, then the nameless, worthless, idiot thugs of G-Unit are the dancing mascots of which the Wiggles technically have five.

Captain Feathersword

Ahoy, manlubbers!

Captain Feathersword is a friendly pirate who has a feather for a sword, which he uses to tickle everyone.  This guy has to be the most ineffectual pirate of all time.  I guess you could say he's a pirate who really enjoys booty.  To be more sexually explicit, he likes skull and crossbones.  He wants to "go down" with his ship.  The point I'm trying to make is that he is a gay pirate.  He is a jovial character that loves to cook, dance and screw with his crew on his sailing ship "The Good Ship Feathersword."

Here's my running theory on why this guy has to be a pirate and not just another Wiggle.  I think the three white Wiggles were cast in the roles and if you're trying to appeal to a mass audience of children you have to appeal to the minorities, so in lieu of having a master race of shimmying douche rockets they needed a fourth dirty Wiggle.  But all the while they've got this guy, Paul, who is really excited about pushing morals on children and patronizing them, and he's got a lot of energy and spunk and pizzazz and ring-a-ding-ding but he's WHITE, and that defeats the whole purpose, and ooooh what're we gonna do.  So I just don't think they wanted to be dicks and tell the guy he couldn't have a job, so they hired Chono as the fourth Wiggle and let Paul be on the show anyway.  And then to be dicks they made him a pirate.

Look for Captain Feathersword in next year's big summer blockbuster "9 1/2 Weeks:  The Curse of the Black Pearl."  His best moment of the Wiggly Safari is when Croc Hunter teaches him a song about cock.

Moviefone.com Caption Contest Winner:
"Bird is certainly NOT the word!" - Emily R..

Second place finisher:
"Crocodile Hunter Steve laughs during the cockatoo song." - Nick D.

Third place finisher:
"run forrest run!!!!!!" - Jon B.

The worst part in about Horatio Cockblower is that he is not Danny Glover, so I have a difficult time imagining almost having the chance to kill him during his shave throughout different parts of my life.

Henry the Octopus

holy shit lady don't turn around

Henry is a fun-loving eight legged octopus with purple skin. He wears tartan clothes, a straw hat and black polished shoes on the end of every tentacle. Henry likes to wave to all his friends, he has so many tentacles he can wave to everyone at the same time!  Since of course you can't wave at more than one person at a time with the one hand you're waving with!  Because if kids discovered consolidation they might do something more efficient with their time than watching guys sing observations about every day things!  Take these Wiggly Safari lyrics from the song "Crocodile Hunter," for example:

"Khaki shorts (khaki shorts)
short-sleeve shirt (short-sleeve shirt)
jungle boots (jungle boots)
running in the grass and wrestling in the dirt

Crocodile Hunter (Big Steve Irwin)
Crocodile Hunter (Action MAN)
Crocodile Hunter (Terri too!)

Crikey, it's a croc, with razor sharp teeth"

They constantly call him "Big Steve Irwin" despite the fact that he's like half a foot shorter than Yellow Wiggle.  Anyway, Henry the Octopus only appears selectively in the Wiggly Safari, usually in the background, because of his busy schedule of trying to frame Spider-man.  According to his bio on the official Wiggles site, Henry has a bubbly personality and love a good joke.  So I guess it's good that he loves his life.

Hopefully the next video in the series will be "Regarding Henry the Octopus."  Ha, or maybe "Lone Wiggle and Cub:  Feathersword of Vengeance."

Wags the Dog

hey i am a dog mascot

Wags is a tall brown furry dog with floppy ears and a happy face.  He loves eating and if he gets hungry, he will keep you up all night barking, so you've got to roll up and newspaper and fwack the shit out of him to get him to behave.  Wags also enjoys digging in his garden.  So ever since you brought home that goddamn dog we just can't have nice things.

BsGirlfriend:  I loves B, Lords knows I do.  But I'll kill him dead 'fo I let him beat me.
Destinys2ndkid:  o rly

Wags talks by barking, and The Wiggles understand him when he says "Woof."  Wags is a very good dancer he can even do the Tango!  So hooray, now we've persuaded ourselves not to put him to sleep or to have sex with him and make a website about it.  Wags only appears in Wiggly Safari a few times, most notably to don mariachi gear and dance for the "Dingo Tango," a song about Australia's dog with touching lyrics such as:

"Little dingo
Little dingo
Little dingo
Little dingo"

oh no a baby ate my dingo
looking up actual quote brb

I only like my mariachi in two very specific ways: 

1) blowing shit up with guitar guns
2) standing over me as I eat sopapillas

Wags and the Wiggles do neither of these things so they are disqualified, and the winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion of my life:  Cognizant Thought Process.  Good advice to children around the world would be to not take anything Wags the Dog says seriously:  he may be the pet project of a spin-doctor and a Hollywood producer attempting to cover up a sex scandal.

The Wiggly Dancers

In Australia, the phrase "giving head" takes on sinister connotation.
In Soviet Russia, head gives you!

Here we see the Wiggly Dancers with severed bird heads on their hands performing "Old Man Emu," a song which gives Steve Irwin an excuse to "rap" the line "I could run the pants off a kangaroo!"  Firstly, I wasn't aware that kangaroos wore pants.  I've seen a kangaroo wear boxing gloves and I've seen a kangaroo wear sunglasses and a jacket, but never pants.  Hold on a second, let me stop writing this paragraph for a moment to place a large amount of money in my pants pocket.

The Wiggly Dancers are two REALLY EXCITED BLONDES who remind me a lot of those girls at my high school who ran varsity track and had faces that were battleground for circles of mascara, straight lines of sweat, and the Spanish Ar-Fucking-Mada of school spirit.  The kind of girls who would paint the school mascot on their face for a week before the big game but not talk to you if your clothes weren't really nice.  The other two dancers are a thickheaded gent with bleached spiky hair and the guy who won Survivor Africa.  Strangely enough he's not the one who won Survivor: Australian Outback.  I think they should do another Outback reality show where we see how much of a blooming onion contestants can eat without shitting stones.

My running theory on the Wiggly Dancers is that they started off in the mid-90's as college kids on the down slope of life and no idea where to go.  They'd been studying drama their whole lives and were GREAT in their sophomore production of Our Town, but oh no it's such a (mascot) dog eat (mascot) dog world out there!  I think they each took the job on the show as you might take an amusement park entertainer job:  something to do to pay the bills without giving up your dreams.  So they start doing stupid shit like marching in place and pretending to play novelty saxophones and things are fine, and then the Wiggles get HUGE.  The paycheck goes up, everybody knows who they are, but GOD they didn't want this, they wanted to do local theater and get discovered and do the big action film with Paul Hogan Ben Affleck or the period drama with Paul Hogan Nicole Kidman.  But the paycheck is FREAKING HUMUNGO so they keep that fake smile on eleven and dance like bitches for Old Man Emu.  They can buy fancy sports cars but their days are filled from 12am to 12am with screaming children.  It's like a Coriolis Effect Twilight Zone.

The best moment of Wiggly Safari for the Wiggly Dancers is when we cut to a concert performance of "Do the Owl," the connotatively hilarious ditty about putting your hands beside your eyes and pretending to kill and eat rodents in the dark.  Instead of your standard Wiggles number, Do the Owl goes disco and the Wiggly Dancers are transformed into big, bright, shining stars.

Jeff Wiggle, are you my mom? I'm gonna ask you, okay?
And you say yes, okay? Jeff Wiggle, are you my mom?
HEY JEFF WAKE UP

Dorothy the Dinosaur

Jurassic Park 4 looks like total shit

Okay, this is the kind of obvious crap that gets to me.  It's like the "Felt Friends" on Blues Clues.  How am I supposed to NOT make a child molestation joke and go on with my life?  Or like Shaggy and Scooby on Scooby Doo.  As a mediocre standup comedian I feel I am the first to notice that they appear to be drug abusers!  But I refuse to let another moment go by in any Wiggles fan's life without pointing at them and screaming "THE WIGGLES ARE FRIENDS OF DOROTHY" at the top of my lungs.  Then I plan to exclude the Wiggles from my parade.  Did you see what they did to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this year?  The thing has a giant balloon Garfield in it and it took THE WIGGLES to make it gay.

Dorothy's job in the Wiggly Safari is to demand that everyone say hello and introduce themselves to her every time she has left the screen for more than a moment.  Seriously, they cut to Dorothy and Blue Wiggle getting ready for the song about Butterflies (with Bindi as a butterfly, which is the cutest thing on record) so Anthony is all, "Let's say hi to Dorothy!" And then we all say hi to Dorothy.  Then the song is over and Dorothy is walking with different Wiggles, so they're all, "Let's say hi to Dorothy!" and she acts like we weren't in the fucking room like five minutes ago.  The pirate is the same way, he's always mugging and trying to get our attention so he can say "ahoy me hearties" like he's desperate and needs to be coddled.  I think the Wiggles could stand to learn to condescend a little less and learn not to annoy the shit out of people a little more.  If the Wiggles were my foodserver they'd ask me if everything was tasting all right eight times before I took the first bite.

I would never let my daughter dance with Dorothy or the Wiggles.  Girl child ain't safe in a family of men with dinosaurs.

OTHER THINGS I NOTICED ABOUT THE WIGGLY SAFARI

The Big Red Car

The Wiggles are driving through the Australian bush in the Big Red Car (clearly labeled a la 1966 Batman).  The first thing I notice is that the "Big" Red Car isn't a very big car at all, and despite having four seats appears to come up to the middle of my thigh.  They get lost, penis around at Australia Zoo, and when they attempt to leave again the car doesn't work.  So they sing a song about camels, and then later leave by the Big Red Car.  I don't know when they had time to fix the car or who fixed it, because it never moves and randomly works and doesn't work.  Perhaps the lesson here is to not by a car that says THE WIGGLES on the side.  And the Big Red Car looks a hell of a lot like Speed Buggy. 

Terri Irwin

Terri Irwin is a remarkable person, because she has absolutely no rhythm and stands out as a bad dancer in a group including THE CROCODILE HUNTER, A WIGGLE, AND A PIRATE DRESSED AS A COCKATOO.

The Disturbing Frequency of Wiener Symbolism

Greg holding a wiener



Anthony holding a wiener

My final thoughts:

As a mediocre standup comedian, I think that you would have to be under the influence of drugs to properly enjoy the Wiggly Safari DVD!  It's completely insane and difficult to make jokes about because it's so funny on it's own.  A lot of times the joy comes from our ability to laugh at gay people.  Other times the joy is in watching the Wiggles realize that they are seriously out of their fucking league:

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I think the crossover succeeds because both sides come out looking strong.  As always Irwin appears to know (and knows) more about animals than any person who has ever lived ever, including actual animals, seafaring Frenchmen, and Pet Star Mario Lopez.  Terri looks like the only person who could've ever really loved the man, and Bindi, as previously stated, is the cutest little fearless Australian girl on Earth. 

So I've decided to give up this writing job and go to Memphis with Shug Avery.  The Wiggles are low down dirty dogs, that's what's wrong.  Time for me to get away from them and enter into Creation.  And the Wiggles dead bodies be just the welcome mat I need.

Now it's time to wave good-bye.