25. Lauren Graham
Previous list appearances: None, presumably because none of the rest of the staff could sit through the PG-rated Kevin Smithian quirky dialog that is Gilmore Girls. One and a half of my parents watched it (I promised my dad I'd lie and say he was asleep the whole time) and I've walked by the TV just enough times to realize that hey, now that's what I call a Mom I'd Like To Put On A List Of Hot Women! Or MILPOLHW, for short. It doesn't roll of the tongue too well, but if you say it backwards, the little black guy from Bad Santa disappears.
Greatest accomplishment: Being the young, independent, single mother of Harry Potter in drag.
Best physical attribute: Her resemblance to Wonder Woman. Or I guess Wonder Woman's mom. Who actually ended up going back in time and being Wonder Woman while Wonder Woman was climbing Mount Olympus or something, so fuck it.
The downside: Now that Gilmore Girls is over, she can finally put her full attention into a career in other things I don't want to watch, like mid-life crisis chick flicks, family movies involving wacky animal antics, and the Ellen Degeneres Show about once a month.
Learn more about Lauren at: Her Wikipedia entry. It's 200fucking7. Get with the program.
If you're an creepy fanboy, try Lauren-Online.net, where you'll find a whole bunch of photos and fun facts like the names of her pets and probably her credit card numbers.
24. Faith Hill
Previous list appearances: None, unless you count Jon's list of the five worst Christmas music videos, and she totally deserved that one.
Greatest accomplishment: Losing the 2006 Country Music award for best female vocalist, then jokingly throwing up her arms and mouthing "What?!" Unfortunately, a fair percentage of people who would watch or attend the Country Music awards don't know what jokes are, thought she was seriously that angry and conceited, and prayed to Jesus that she wanders in front of a bus. Also, her father-in-law won the 1980 World Series, and that's pretty much the reason why I squeezed her in here.
Best physical attribute: Tough call. She'll be 40 years old next month and still looks like Barbie, but I'll go with her legs, with an honorable mention to her hair. Faith Hill is one of the only country singers who can pull off constantly changing her hairstyle and looking different kinds of great instead of like a slideshow of dated yearbook photos from some high school in Tennessee.
The downside: She is surgically attached to the arm of her husband, Tim McGraw, past the point where it would be America's Sweethearts cutesy and just makes her seem possessive and crazy. Look at the third photo up there. She even rubs her wedding ring in your face during sexy photo shoots. Though sometimes it has hilarious outcomes, like a couple of weeks ago, when some fan tried to crab his crotch, and she shouted at her that it wasn't classy to "grabbing somebody's husband's balls." She actually said that. Into a microphone. Actually, forget everything I just said. Faith Hill is nuts and awesome.
Learn more about Faith at: Wikipedia, MySpace, or the fan site Faith-Hill.us. Though every other variation of her name with and without the hyphen was already taken, this is "your number one source for all things Faith!" Which, incidentally, is the same motto of the other 197 fan sites reworded.
23. Stacey Dash
Previous list appearances: None. I do not have a clue as to why!
Greatest accomplishment: She almost drove both Alicia Silverstone and the black guy from Scrubs into a diesel truck, willing to sacrifice herself in the process. That's got to count for something. She was recently sighted running through an airport in slow motion with Kanye West.
Best physical attribute: Originally I was going to say her eyes, my attraction to her and them dating back to the mini crush I've had on her since she was Richard Pryor's daughter in Moving. Then she was in Playboy last year and I almost forgot she had eyes.
The downside: No matter how many empowering roles she may take on in the future, she's forever doomed to be a "that girl." People will recognize her face when Comedy Central reruns Mo Money, but they have to look up her name on the IMDB. Even her tombstone will read "Beloved Wife, Mother, Black Chick from Clueless."
Learn more about Stacey at: Wikipedia or StaceyDashOnline.com.
22. Rachael Leigh Cook
Previous list appearances: Number 11 on Justin's list on 2003. Justin bumped her the following year in favor of going out drinking with his buds, so she got mad and beat the shit out of a kitchen.
Greatest accomplishment: Many would give it to tricking half a million people into buying a Christian rock album by walking down some stairs to Sixpense None the Richer, but I'm much more of a fan of her role as the lead pussy in Josie and the Pussycats.
Best physical attribute: Her mouth. It's small, but powerfully expressive. When she smiles it's tiny and huge at the same time, and she has this smirk she always does — it's on her face pretty much the entire time in "Josie" — that turns my insides up to 11.
The downside: Every once in a while, she'll cut her hair really short and end up looking like a 16-year-old gay boy.
Learn more about Rachael at: Wikipedia or RachaelLeighCook.net: "the definitive RLC resource"! It's pictured next to the dictionary entry for Rachael Leigh Cook, because she is in the dictionary.
21. Jill Wagner
Previous list appearances: None. She didn't start doing commercials until 2005, and I don't read Maxim because I'm already good in bed.
Greatest accomplishment: Being the spokesmodel for Mercury vehicles. Walking around in her sheer blue top has already successfully hypnotized me into buying three SUVs. She can currently be seen shooting motherfuckers on Spike TV's "Blade: the Series." I can currently be seen being a hundred thousand dollars in debt and tapping this in Morse code on the wall of my cardboard house. Thanks for stopping by! Can you spare a quarter for some vodka not some vodka?
Best physical attribute: Her standard dual air bags. Get it? "Standard"?
The downside: She was a regular on Punk'd, which means she thinks Ashton Kutcher is funny.
Learn more about Jill at: Wikipedia, or her MySpace account. Look, you guys, her status is set to single!
20. Jennifer Connelly
Previous list appearances: She's a two-time medalist in the Women Emily Thinks Are Hot-lympics, winning the silver in 2003 and bronze the following year. Now I feel bad for giving her the comparative equivalent of a coupon to Olive Garden.
Greatest accomplishment: She won an Oscar, a Golden Globe and a British Academy award for A Beautiful Mind, but that's the sort of thing that happens to people in the same room with Russell Crowe and a video camera. You know you're thinking about the end of Requiem for a Dream. It's OK. You can admit it. Her future projects include a movie version of "He's Just Not That Into You," co-starring with that talking Apple computer who looks like Anthony Kiedis.
Best physical attribute: I am very much an eyes man. B can talk all he wants about how he thinks eyes is just Cusackian chick flick bullshit code for tits, but I'm not about to fuck a torso with a paper bag over her head. Eye contact is important to the being sexy process. I want you to look at me and look like you want me. Jennifer Connelly can be in a black and white photo and her eyes still look like they're in color.
The downside: Any fantasy I could ever have about her will ultimately be interrupted and ruined by David Bowie's crotch.
Learn more about Jennifer at: Wikipedia, or the Jennifer Connelly Center, which makes it sound like they're renting web space in her vagina. In which case our site's going to experience some downtime during the next week as we move to a new server.
19. Shania Twain
Previous list appearances: Number 8 on Bill's list, right behind some video game enthusiast with a blog and Lisa Loeb glasses. Bill gets turned on by weird things like "interests" and "personality."
Greatest accomplishment: Despite that pop fans don't like her because she sings country music, and country fans don't like her because she crossed over to pop, she still somehow has the best-selling album of all time by a woman. More importantly, she's helped lonely single girls in karaoke bars feel better about themselves for the last ten years.
Best physical attribute: Her belly, which she has generously not covered up for the last ten years and still looks incredible at age 41, making her the oldest woman on my list. She has specially-made bed sheets with a long slit cut in the middle and everything.
The downside: Actually listening to Shania Twain has been scientifically proven to make you less cool. If taken in large quantities, it can render you quite nerdy. Case in point: She has her own fan convention ... at her own convention center.
Learn more about Shania at: Do not learn more about Shania.
18. Jennifer Love Hewitt
Previous list appearances: Nick's #6 in 2003 and #12 in 2004. By a freak coincidence, I unconsciously managed to continue the mathematical pattern of her gradual departure from cultural relativity. Or maybe my brain has a southern accent and thought "sex" was a number.
Greatest accomplishment: Being one of the few female celebrities in my age bracket to not go batshit insane, or suffer from any sort of health disorder or drug binge. These days, that's a rare find. She doesn't crave the spotlight or feel the need to prove anything to anyone. She doesn't let the media make her crazy. She's just always been there, smiling and doing that squinty thing with her eyes as she hangs out on the edge of the public eye. And yet she still qualifies as a B-list celebrity.
Best physical attribute: Her breasts. She has always managed to making them the center of attention without making them scream HEY LOOK AT ME GUYS HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY
The downside: Her knack for misleading album titles like "Barenaked" (she was wearing jeans) and "Let's Go Bang" (an interjection, not a verb) make her one of the biggest teases in pop music. No wonderful nobody listens to it. Also, the idea that Jon Arbuckle can get a hotter date than some people could potentially make them really depressed. Not me. Other people. I'm just sayin'.
Learn more about Jennifer at: Wikipedia or JenniferLoveHewittOnline.com.
17. Kelly Ripa
Previous list appearances: Nick managed to squeeze her in at #14 in 2004 behind a bunch of women who were in Maxim one time and then never heard from again. Kelly's busy ruling daytime television and helping keep Rosie O'Donnell looking stupid and off my television.
Greatest accomplishment: Getting out of South Jersey. Kelly's hometown is the next one over from mine. I can drive to her old high school blindfolded. On the sidewalk and into some mailboxes and parked cars, but I could still fucking get there. I've almost met her about eight different times. I've driven past the front gate to her house in the Hamptons, my girlfriend used to go to the same church as her, and one time I applied for a job with ABC in New York, so I almost feel like if I don't put her on the list, she'll end up running into me and going "What the fuck?"
Best physical attribute: Her smile. When I see her face, and she isn't either smiling or making some other goofy or flirty face, I miss it. There's a giant billboard with her face on it along the bridge into Philadelphia, and she's wearing a slight, businesslike, closed-mouth smile, and it feels like she's missing an arm.
The downside: She almost always refers to Regis as "Big Daddy," and that creeps me out. Oh, and she's a fucking Mets fan.
Learn more about Kelly at: Wikipedia, or you could wait five minutes for LiveRegisandKelly.com to finish loading. Or you could enter a trivia contest at KellyRipa.com for the chance to win a LIMITED EDITION purple rubber arm bands that read "our daily ripa ♥"! Oh, glorious day.
16. Elisha Cuthbert
Previous list appearances: Justin bumped her up from 18th to 3rd in a year's time. Justin also shortened his list from 20 to 5, so I grabbed her before he accidentally put her on a list of the negative 10 sweatiest construction workers of 2007.
Greatest accomplishment: Being the original lead singer for Weezer until she flipped out and quit. This is document in the video for "Perfect Situation," which nobody else saw because it doesn't sound like Pinkerton Part II and Weezer fans are fucking impossible.
Best physical attribute: Her nipples. I've only ever watched one full episode of 24, and I've seen Elisha Cuthbert's nipples at least 97 times without consciously searching for them. I'm told they're their own regular cast members. Like on the series finale they're going to end up being the source of Jack Bauer's power.
The downside: I don't remember very much of the one episode I saw, because I was too busy looking for the Shut Up button on my remote. Not to mention The Girl Next Door, where she brilliantly portrayed a porn star by wearing the most amount of clothes in any given scene.
Learn more about Elisha at: Wikipedia or ElishaCuthbertFan.net.
15. Layla Kayleigh
Previous list appearances: She wasn't on any because everyone was too busy staring at Morgan Webb's shirt, waiting for it to finally exceed capacity and rip in half. Any ... second now...
Greatest accomplishment: Being the new female host of every show currently aimed at the 18-34 male demographic, including the Feed segment on G4's Attack of the Show, Maxim Radio, the upcoming season of the World Poker Tour, and football correspondence for the Best Damn Sports Show Period, all seemingly without knowing shit about video games, football or poker, but managing to not act ditzy, vacant or indifferent in the process.
Best physical attribute: Her complexion is gorgeous, but I think it's the accent that does it for me. I like how she says "Xbox." It makes my Wii remote rumble. In conclusion, the Sony Playstation 3.
The downside: Listening to her would involve having to actually watch Attack of the Show.
Learn more about Layla at: Wikipedia or LaylaKayleigh.com, which is made entirely in Flash and annoying to navigate or read.
14. Beyoncé Knowles
Previous list appearances: Jon's number 3 in '03 and 4 in '04. I broke pattern to start my own career in numbering attractive female celebrities. Next year I'll get back together with the pattern for a year, after which we'll break up again, but will reunite for one quick list shortly thereafter. Only one. I swear.
Greatest accomplishment: Her life and every part of it has left the stratosphere to eat its dust and is currently entering the stratosphere of a planet three galaxies down. She was also the first cover girl of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue who was neither athlete, nor professional model.
Best physical attribute: I've been staring at these photos for hours just trying to find her least great physical attribute in hopes of starting a process of elimination. It's not going well, so I'm going to go with her eyes and lips in the first photo, her hair and chest in the second photo, and her legs and alligators in the third ph-wait what the hell is she doing?
The downside: She's the only black woman in entertainment who can't dance. No, shut up. I'm as white boy as it gets, so I know a fellow shitty dancer when I see one. Have you ever seen her live show? She looks like she's having convulsions and trying to fininsh mowing the lawn anyway.
Learn more about Beyoncé at: Wikipedia or BeyonceOnline.com.
13. Shakira
Previous list appearances: She won back-to-back world championships of Jon's heart. And by heart I mean penis.
Greatest accomplishment: Becoming the highest-selling Colombian artist of all time before her 30th birthday, being enough of a control freak to insist on writing all her own material, winning ten Grammys in two languages, having an IQ of 140, and breaking the sound barrier while dancing in place.
Best physical attribute: Her hips can knock down cherry trees. That is both a joke about their inability to bear false witness, and a testament to the force at which she shakes them, because holy shit.
The downside: She has admitted more than once that the seemingly sexually agressive "artist" she portrays is largely an act, her practicing her art, and that the real her isn't nearly as self-confident or secure, and that just bums me out, because she deserves to feel great about herself.
Learn more about Shakira at: Wikipedia or ShakiraMedia.com. Her official site has this awkward, record spinning flash navigation bullshit that I refuse to promote.
12. Aishwarya Rai
Previous list appearances: None. Why not? Aishwarya don't have an answer for you.
Greatest accomplishment: She was Miss World 1994 and is currently the biggest name in Bollywood. Too bad I don't know shit about Bollywood. I admit I don't know much about her at all besides seeing her in the movie Bride & Prejudice, and I know that 60 Minutes called her "the Most Beautiful Face in the World."
Best physical attribute: Her eyes. They're stunning. Aishwarya has what I like to call heat vision, because if she ever stared at me, she would melt my face off. And that's why I put her at number 12.
The downside: Look, don't tell anyone I actually sat and watched Bride & Prejudice, OK? It'd ruin my reputation as the proud owner of testicles.
Learn more about Aishwarya at: Wikipedia or Aishwarya-Forever.com. All these fan sites I keep finding seem to use eerily similar colors and styles. It's like there's some hidden structured community of semi-professional masturbators we know nothing about.
11. Charisma Carpenter
Previous list appearances: She was Emily's #9 in 2003, then she posed in Playboy and Emily bumped her up four spots.
Greatest accomplishment: Her greatest accomplishment is riding the spinoff train from Buffy to Angel with great success in both career and character, but I've only ever watched Angel at work in silence at 3 in the morning. So I don't know what the hell's going on, but boy, is she fun to watch. Charisma was last seen as a recurring guest star on Veronica Mars, which I have also never seen because I've been pulling your leg this entire time what the fuck is a television?
Best physical attribute: The sum is greater than its parts. I can't just say she's got a great rack without also complimenting her just soft enough abdomen, or the part where her butt and thighs meet, or her perfectly slight overbite. Charisma Carpenter is the most appropriately named woman on this list, because her body makes me go "Jesus Christ."
The downside: Will be out the remainder of the season to undergo Tommy John Surgery.
Learn more about Charisma at: Wikipedia, CharismaCarpenter.com, or the official website of the St. Louis Cardinals.
10. Megan Fox
Previous list appearances: None. She was hiding behind Shia LeBeuf's chair.
Greatest accomplishment: Making every guy who saw Transformers this summer log onto IMDB.com to find out what her name is.
Best physical attribute: Every publication ever is basically calling her a poor man's Angelina Jolie, and that's not a bad thing. Also of note is a small collection of tattoos she's begun in and around her torso, including Marilyn Monroe's face on her right forearm. Making the camera crew work hard to cover it up is a fun game!
The downside: She just got engaged to Brian Austin Green. Just for the record, 90210 started when she was four.
Learn more about Megan at: Wikipedia. There's a gallery of her tattoos on Maxim's site.
9. Angelina Jolie
Previous list appearances: Jon bumped her back from #2 in 2003, to #10 in 2004.
Greatest accomplishment: Being a rich man's poor man's rich man's rich man's Angelina Jolie. Also, her assorted collection of adopted children. She's shooting for one from each continent so she can summon a mulleted superhero to stop global warming and lower gas prices.
Best physical attribute: Her lips. The rest of her is outstanding, but her lips sort of accent every body part in their vicinity. Are you standing near Angelina Jolie's mouth? Congratulations. You just got hotter.
The downside: She's probably the most famous woman in the world right now. She has about as much privacy as the Statue of Liberty.
Learn more about Angelina at: The Internet.
8. Drew Barrymore
Previous list appearances: Emily's number one in 2003 and 2004, but Emily kind of cheated and only counted "Mad Love" Drew Barrymore from the mid-90s. I could put late-80s Meg Ryan on the list, but somewhere along the line she decided to get surgery to make her look like Howard the Duck, and that's just fucked up.
Greatest accomplishment: Telling Emily to kiss her black ass, because People Magazine crowned her the World's Most Beautiful Woman of 2007 in April. Emily happy agreed, and son of a bitch that is the worst time ever to leave my camera at home.
Best physical attribute: Her mouth. She's got a great smile, but I love her half smile/half smirk thing the best. She also has this look where she half shuts her eyes and suddenly becomes three times sexier. This is lame and stupid, but I think the stunned expression on her face after test-kissing Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer is one of the greatest looks ever caught on film.
The downside: She appears to have slowed down to one movie project a year since 50 First Dates in 2004, and it doesn't look like she's going to have another hot streak like she had in the mid to late '90s anytime soon.
Learn more about Drew at: Wikipedia or her Nude Scene Extravaganza, presented by Emily.
7. Naomi Watts
Previous list appearances: 0
You now have seven days to live.
Greatest accomplishment: Being the subject of and prize for a fight between King Kong and a bunch of dinosaurs. Honorable mention: saying "Fuckabees."
Best physical attribute: Her mouth. Not so much her lips, but I think the shape of her mouth whe she smiles or looks vacant or distressed is very beautiful.
The downside: Rumors are floating around that she's a top candidate to play Narcissa Malfoy in the final two Harry Potter movies, and I really don't want everybody ever to forget about the rest of her career like they seem to have with Maggie Smith and Alan Rickman.
Learn more about Naomi at: Wikipedia or NaomiWatts.com, the official name of which is "The Naomi Watts Experience" and good God shut the hell up, the Internet.
6. Jessica Alba
Previous list appearances: She was #6 on Jon's list in 2003. Then a close encounter with an energy cloud in space rendered her invisible.
Greatest accomplishment: Refusing to take off her clothes in a role as a stripper in Sin City, and still being hot enough that nobody complained. Being the Invisible Woman in the recent Fantastic Four movies, in which she was invisible for a total of 12 seconds.
Best physical attribute: Her skin. I like how everyone on the staff has different tastes in complexion. B goes for the white meat; Jon goes for the dark meat; I prefer rotisserie gold.
The downside: She digs older men. Like, Sean Connery older. OK, that's a bad example. Every woman does and should be attracted to Sean Connery, but Jessica has also cited Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman and Robert Redford as ideal partners. Robert Redford now, not Robert Redford 20 years ago.
Learn more about Jessica at: Wikipedia or the Alba Area, which isn't nearly as erotic as it sounds.
5. Rachel McAdams
Previous list appearances: None. She called the rest of the staff a bunch of gays in her Burn Book, so they pushed her in front of a bus.
Greatest accomplishment: Being the crazy bitch antagonist to Lindsay Lohan's comic foil protagonist in Mean Girls, and then ending up actually being the sane, serious one in real life.
Best physical attribute: Her huge Parker Posey smile that looks amazing with cherry red lipstick and flirts with, but stays safely on the other side of the line from you've just been killed by Jack Nicholson as the Joker.
The downside: She keeps turning down awesome things in favor of personal integrity. Awesome things like the Bond girl in Casino Royale, the love interest in Iron Man, Katie Holmes' replacement in The Dark Knight, and the cover of that one issue of Vanity Fair with naked Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley. So it's her fault there's also guy on the cover. I want to respect her choices and reasoning behind them, but she was fucking Owen Wilson's innamorato in Wedding Crashers. Come on.
Learn more about Rachel at: Wikipedia or RachelMcAdams.org.
4. Carrie Underwood
Previous list appearances: None. She was in Checotah still.
Greatest accomplishment: Beating that tall, flat-chested chick in American Idol. wait
Best physical attribute: Her resemblance to Jenny McCarthy if Jenny McCarthy stopped making fart jokes and ate a sandwich.
The downside: I have this fantasy that involves buying a pickup truck, dating Carrie Underwood, and cheating on Carrie Underwood just so I could watch her total the shit of of the pickup truck, but I don't think she's enough of a crazy bitch in real life to actually do that.
Learn more about Carrie at: Wikipedia or CarrieUnderwoodOfficial.com. As opposed to CarrieUnderwoodNoSeriouslyIt'sReallyMeYouGuys.com.
3. Kate Winslet
Previous list appearances: Emily's number 3 in 2003 and 2 in 2004. Does liking a lot of the same women as Emily make me a lesbian?
Greatest accomplishment: Being nominated for every time she stands near or thinks about standing near a camera. She's also outspoken against what she calls Hollywood's obsession with being skinny, and as a fan of curvy women, I applaud her. Also, she once sang a duet with Weird Al Yankovic for a children's album, which is the most randomly awesome thing I've ever heard.
Best physical attribute: She packs a devastating three-hit combo of eyes, lips and breasts that I can't possibly separate. Having trouble keeping her shirt on in every movie she's in doesn't hurt, either.
The downside: She has size 11 clown feet. When you do the math, that means she's about 6 foot 40 in heels. On the up side, it's really funny to watch her step on a series of rakes.
Learn more about Kate at: Wikipedia or her Nude Scene Extravaganza, presented by B.
2. Catherine Zeta-Jones
Previous list appearances: Jon's number 17 in 2003.
Greatest accomplishment: She has the kind of voice where everything that comes out of her mouth in every role she's in is made of gold-encrusted sex, but if I had to pick one, it'd probably be Entrapment. I'm sure my mind will change in about five minutes. That says less about my indecisiveness and more about her presence.
Best physical attribute: Her eyes. The shape of them moreso than the color. She's in a constant, provocative glare. It's classic sexy. She's all woman, and at the rate she seems to not be aging, she will be for a long time.
The downside: You know her terrible bob haircut in Chicago? She specifically asked for that so people wouldn't think she used a stunt dancer. Because apparently "I did all my own dancing" is the new "What the hell are steroids?"
Learn more about Catherine at: Wikipedia or Catherine-Online.org. Because it is the year 1997 and every website's title should end with the word "Online." Buzz words, people. Learn 'em.
1. Charlize Theron
Previous list appearances: Jon's #16 in 2003. She got bumped in 2004 so Jon could make room for Priest Holmes.
Greatest accomplishment: Her greatest role to date is as Michael's retarded girlfriend in Arrested Development.
Best physical attribute: Her eyes and lips. She pulls off the same dreamy-eyed, pouty-lipped glare as Angelina Jolie without also borderlining on heroin addict. She's also a regular in the Best-Dressed recap of every award show she's ever attended. Even when she wore that one dress that made it look like she was about to become Venom.
The downside: Something's not right when the only way she can win an Oscar is by putting on make-up that makes her look ugly and wrinkly.
Learn more about Charlize at: Wikipedia. She has an official site, but it hasn't been updated since 2005, and it looks like it was made on Homestead.
B's
Hanstock's
