25. Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Previous list appearances: MEW did not appear, having been bumped in favor of Mewtwo.
Greatest accomplishment: Being John McClane’s grown-up daughter; giving a stubbly Justin Long “the eye”; being the evil (fuck, spoilers) hot girl in “Sky High”.
Best physical attribute: The general mouth/jaw area. I am a sucker for a shapely jaw. Although not when it is shaped like Dick Tracy’s (See: Chyna circa 1996).
The downside: She has been in hardly anything thus far, although “Live Free Or Die Hard” and “Grindhouse” is a damn good 2007 for her. Go ahead and save a few of her pictures to your desktop and then in five years when everyone talks about how much they want to nail Mary Elizabeth Winstead you can say you got in on the ground floor.
Learn more about Mary at: “Mary Elizabeth Winstead Fan” I guess.24. Allison Stokke
Previous list appearances: Did not appear due to her being a zygote at the time.
Greatest accomplishment: Being the hottest pole vaulter in history. And not in the Jenna Jameson, euphemistic sense.
Best physical attribute: Her unbelievable body, hewn from a boulder harvested from atop Mount Olympus by Zeus himself. With magic.
The downside: She is an eighteen-year-old ultra-popular athlete so you know she must be totally unbearable in social situations. Probably all holding a wine cooler and talking like she knows shit about how the world works.
Learn more about Allison at: This With Leather post.
23. Jade Chung
Previous list appearances: N/A because Prince Nana had not liberated her from Vietnam yet.
Greatest accomplishment: Wearing a burlap sack and being led around on a leash; having to pretend to date a guy who looks like an oblong pink balloon.
Best physical attribute: The general hinder area. Like all women in wrestling with a decent ass, she has mastered the art of wearing clothes that only cover the top half of it. I like to think that Ahmed Johnson was the true trailblazer for the advent of asscheeks in wrestling.
The downside: You’ll never see her on WWE TV. Plus she’s got kind of a fucked-up grill from the looks of things.
Learn more about Jade at: Her official website.
22. Christina Ricci
Previous list appearances: Bill’s list at #14.
Greatest accomplishment: Having big boobs and getting kidnapped; getting a breast reduction and getting kidnapped. You stick with what you know!
Best physical attribute: Amazingly, it’s still the boobs. She’s the anti-Tara Reid.
The downside: She’s a little on the super-skinny side these days. Hopefully she nips that shit in the bud before she ventures into Amy Winehouse/Renee Zellweger territory.
Learn more about Christina at: http://www.yourplasticsurgeryguide.com/breast-reduction/
21. Anna Paquin
Previous list appearances: B’s list at #13.
Greatest accomplishment: Having a skunk stripe in her hair and breaking the fanboy-masturbation equivalent of the sound barrier.
Best physical attribute: For some reason, I’m really into her nose. It’s pretty unique and helps make her face memorable. Although since there’s only so much fantasizing you can do about someone’s nose without creeping yourself out, I’m going to say “mouth.”
The downside: She has the ultimate “girl-next-door” look. And although I want to take her to a nice sushi dinner and try to work up the nerve to hold her hand on the ride home, she doesn’t bleed liquid sex like your Angelina Jolies and your Charisma Carpenters and your Mary Kate Olsens.
Learn more about Anna at: www.annapaquinfan.org
20. Gigi Edgley
Previous list appearances: Did not appear. I am about to out-nerdify anyone who has ever written for P-Boi.
Greatest accomplishment: Portraying an albino with Tourette’s alien on Farscape for four seasons.
Best physical attribute: I think once again I’m going to have to go with the general mouth/nose area. She’s got a pretty fucking awesome profile, too. Apparently she has a pretty hot stomach, too, but they went ahead and never really showed that on Farscape. Fucking douchebag makeup people not wanting to have to spent eight hours every day doing that. I would have done that for scale.
The downside: I only think she’s hot because I am a gigantic fucking nerd and find her much more attractive when she’s got an airbrushed collarbone and is twitching in leather. Oh wait, that is pretty hot
Learn more about Gigi at: I’m just going to pick the saddest made-up name I can think of and I will probably be a website. Let’s go with www.nerdsmissingfarscape.net. Tell me if that works.
19. Maria Kanellis
Previous list appearances: Did not appear because people still thought Trish Stratus was hot back then.
Greatest accomplishment: Being the stupid interview girl for WWE; nailing CM Punk.
Best physical attribute: It’s gotta be her body in general, and in particular her ass and stomach. Dear God.
The downside: It’s a shame that what makes her so sexy/adorable (adorabexy) on TV doesn’t translate to pictures, because she makes the god damn ‘thug face’ in every fucking picture. No one ever taught her how to smile like a human being, apparently. It’s the face you’d make if someone asked you to do a Paris Hilton impression. Except, you know, without the cock in your mouth.
Learn more about Maria at: www.wwe.com
18. Kimberly Williams
Previous list appearances: Did not appear because no one is as old as me.
Greatest accomplishment: Being the daughter of the Father of the Bride (wait); marrying a device that holds swirly material together. Turning me into a woman in high school by starring in the TV series “Relativity.”
Best physical attribute: She’s got these really intense blue eyes that are almost super creepy. You remember the first time you saw the chick from “They Live” and you’re like WHOA JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK and then your soul shrivels and dies? It’s like that, but pretty.
The downside:
Roxymoron87: haha, you're putting someone from According to Jim on your list.
Roxymoron87: She is cute though.
BlueCarolina97: according to jim i am going to make out with her
Roxymoron87: there's your joke, right there.
Learn more about Kimberly at: http://kimberlywilliams-paisley.com/
17. Emma Watson
Previous list appearances: Surprisingly enough, Jordo’s (who? lol) list at #9.
Greatest accomplishment: Being responsible for the very first orgasm for an entire generation of nerds.
Best physical attribute: what are you talkin about dude i wasn’t checkin her out sick dude
The downside: She is number 17 on this list because that is how many years she has been alive. If you are looking at the pictures I put up there, you are a perv. No, I’m sorry, that’s just how it works. Well shit, you may as well finish up now, the damage is done.
Learn more about Emma at: www.ronandhermione.net
16. Bryce Dallas Howard
Previous list appearances: B’s list at #15.
Greatest accomplishment: Making everyone in the world realize why Peter Parker’s been bummed out about Gwen Stacey for the past forty years; screaming; swimming.
Best physical attribute: I want to say nose again and I’m starting to feel like a weirdo, but I’m going with the eyes. Don’t you just want to fall into them and swim around for a while and then drown yourself as a symbol of your devotion? Fuck you, of course you do. Restraining order? More like constraining order, am I right?
The downside: There’s no telling what she’ll look like from picture to picture or film to film. Performing an image search was like losing my mind a little bit at a time. Here she looks like an ugly Sissy Spacek, here she looks like Gwen Stefani, here she looks like Rachael Leigh Cook. I am now convinced that there is a cadre of women who comprise Bryce Dallas Howard. She is legion.
Learn more about Bryce at: www.bryce-online.com
15. Vida Guerra
Previous list appearances: Did not appear. Jennifer Lopez still held the rights to ass in 2004, and it has only this year reentered the public domain.
Greatest accomplishment: FHM magazine model possessing four metric tons of ass.
Best physical attribute: Are you kidding me? Her ass is like the Living Tribunal of all asses. If the rest of her body is the Zenn-La, her ass is Galactus. None may be spared lest a herald noble of heart sacrifice himself to become its herald.
The downside: With the above paragraph I have ruined any chance of ever getting to have sex with Vida Guerra. Ever. Also, she may not have a front of her body.
Learn more about Vida at: Any men’s magazine. Particularly when they have their annual “Top 500 Girls Next Door’s Asses in the Big Ten.”
14. Lacey Chabert
Previous list appearances: Did not appear. I guess I’m the only one who likes “Not Another Teen Movie.”
Greatest accomplishment: Being on Party of Five as Jennifer Love Hewitt’s younger sister, and then growing up to look like what Jennifer Love Hewitt is SUPPOSED to look like. Honestly, look at JLH’s face sometime. It looks like God cobbled it together from leftover pieces of other faces.
Best physical attribute: I am an unabashed breast man. Always have been, always will be. Lacey Chabert has a nice pair of cans, goddammit, and I like to look at ‘em. Plus she said “handjob” in a movie and that’s pretty hot, too.
The downside: Well, for one thing, she doesn’t make many movies, and she doesn’t seem to have much of a personality. But I can usually overlook that, because as I mentioned before, boobs.
Learn more about Lacey at: www.laceychabertweb.com
13. Laura Prepon
Previous list appearances: Did not appear.
Greatest accomplishment: Being the redhead on That 70’s Show and terrifying America with the thought of crushing Topher Grace’s frail pelvis beneath her (comparably) enormous hips; touching tongues with Jamie King and not giving B enough time to finish.
Best physical attribute: Boobs make a strong back-to-back showing here (lol), and she also gets points for being a super fucking hot natural (?) redhead.
The downside: When the World of Warcraft expansion came out, I made a female Blood Elf named Lauraprepon. Then I chuckled and ate a sleeve of Chips Ahoy! cookies. That is the closest I will ever get to meeting Laura Prepon, and also the most work she’s had since her show was cancelled. Aw, that was sad twice!
Learn more about Laura at: www.laura-prepon.com12. Rose McGowan
Previous list appearances: Did not appear.
Greatest accomplishment: Fucking Marilyn Manson and wearing a bunch of tinsel at the MTV Movie Awards that one year; not being Eliza Dushku.
Best physical attribute: It’s either T or A, and I’m gonna go with Albert this time.
The downside: That bullshit sex scene in Grindhouse. I don’t think I’ve ever been dry-humped by a movie before. And not even to completion or nothin’.
Learn more about Rose at: www.rose-mcgowan.com
11. Michelle Nolan
Previous list appearances: Did not appear because she is barely relevant in 2007.
Greatest accomplishment: She plays in a band called Straylight Run and now her and the chick from Paramore provide light spanking material for the readers of AP magazine who aren’t twelve-year-old girls.
Best physical attribute: She’s got some prominent ears but damned if they don’t look wonderful on her. She also got a lot hotter when she starting straightening her hair and wearing it up. See? Sometimes stylists ARE an important part of rock and/or roll.
The downside: Well she’s married, and their second release sucked more balls than a Lotto machine.
Learn more about Michelle at: www.straylightrun.com
10. Sarah Silverman
Previous list appearances: Did not appear because she was just the nagging girlfriend from “School of Rock” back then. Take note, ladies: nagging ≠ sexy.
Greatest accomplishment: Proving Jesus is magic; proving straight women can occasionally be funny as standup comedians.
Best physical attribute: Looking like a complete Jew and being SO FUCKING HOT while doing it. I never feel my Jewish heritage more than when I am fully aroused in her direction. If that ain’t love I don’t know what is.
The downside: Jesus Is Magic wasn’t really all that funny.
Learn more about Sarah at: www.sarahsilvermanonline.com
9. Maggie Gyllenhaal
Previous list appearances: Emily’s list at #8.
Greatest accomplishment: Being almost as famous as her brother and not having to get boned in the ass by Heath Ledger to do it.
Best physical attribute: Her crooked smile. Makes my knees go pitter-pat. Shit, I should get that checked.
The downside: Most of the time I think she looks incredibly beautiful. The only problem is, sometimes she doesn’t. And when she doesn’t, she REALLY DOESN’T.
Learn more about Maggie at: Ask Men is pretty much the lamest site ever.
8. Famke Janssen
Previous list appearances: Jat’s list at #11.
Greatest accomplishment: Being Jean Grey. In leather.
Best physical attribute: Everything. She’s just made out of sex.
The downside: X-Men 3 was a pile of shit. Cyclops dies in the first three minutes? I mean what the fuck.
Learn more about Famke at: www.famke-janssen.org
7. Kat Von D
Previous list appearances: Did not appear.
Greatest accomplishment: Apparently she hosts some show? All I know is she’s got tattoos on her face, and them shits is serious.
Best physical attribute: Okay, here is a thing about me: if a woman has tattoos, she is immediately like 10,000 times hotter to me. Especially if they’re good tattoos. I’m not talking about like a tribal dolphin riding a butterfly over a rainbow made of barbed wire on her lower back, I’m talking about for-real shit like half-sleeves or chest pieces. Plus she looks like a freakin’ 50s rockabilly pin-up model.
The downside: She apparently likes LA enough to have the Dodgers “LA” logo tattooed on her knuckles more than once, which means she will give my Giants-loving ass a severe beatdown and then get her boyfriend to shoot me.
Learn more about Kat at: suicidegirls www.katvond.net
6. Katherine Heigl
Previous list appearances: Did not appear, was merely posing nude at the time.
Greatest accomplishment: Having Seth Rogen’s giant Jew baby. And I guess she is on some show about doctors.
Best physical attribute: She has a really amazing smile. Before I saw “Knocked Up,” I knew approximately zero about her, and about twenty minutes into the movie I was so hopelessly in love. The other moviegoers did not appreciate me standing on my seat and yelling at the screen, BUT I MEAN COME ON YOU IDIOT PUT DOWN THE BONG SHE DESERVES TO BE TREATED RIGHT.
The downside: She’s so pretty and vibrant that it honestly kind of makes me sad. Plus I watched one episode of Grey’s Anatomy and it was pretty terrible.
Learn more about Katherine at: www.kheigl.com (NOT a website for Kegel exercises, do not be fooled.)
5. Brittany Daniel
Previous list appearances: Did not appear.
Greatest accomplishment: It’s a toss-up between Joe Dirt and Club Dread, really.
Best physical attribute: Stomach and hipbones. I imagine touching her abs would be like touching scalding hot iron. She was not born, she instead sprang fully formed from the head of Zeus. Seriously, you can look it up on YouTube.
The downside: She’s primarily a fitness model, which means much like Cori Nadine, you’re going to be spending a lot of time doing image searches of her and tending to business rather than appreciating her merits as a performer. But six of one, half a dozen of the other, I suppose.
Learn more about Brittany at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brittany_Daniel
haha holy shit she has dated Orlando Jones AND John Corbett. I think she should get some sort of prize for that.
4. Mandy Moore
Previous list appearances: Justin’s list at #5. Movin’ on up!
Greatest accomplishment: The world’s first former teen sensation singer/actress to be over eight feet tall.
Best physical attribute: The area from below her nose to below her collarbone. Mouth, jawline, neck, shoulders … sweet mercy can I kill my parents for you?
The downside: Superficial answer: she has been putting on weight recently. Less superficial answer: she could palm my head and lift me like Shaq.
Learn more about Mandy at: www.mandymoore.com
3. Morena Baccarin
Previous list appearances: Did not appear because no one was watching Firefly. Yes, it was cancelled due to viewer apathy. Live with it.
Greatest accomplishment: Being the hottest person on one of the best shows ever. So of course America was like, “Oh we’re not into that.”
Best physical attribute: Her enormous eyes and luxuriant hair. Just look at her. I bet she smells so good.
The downside: She’s going to fade into obscurity and end up becoming Margot Kidder. I’ve seen Margot Kidder in person and I don’t wish that amount of crazy on anyone.
Learn more about Morena at: Well, there certainly are a lot of pathetic Firefly fanboy sites out there, so let’s just say www.browncoats.com.
2. Kristen Bell
Previous list appearances: Did not appear because at the time Veronica Mars had not yet begun and subsequently been cancelled.
Greatest accomplishment: Stepping in to fill the void Buffy left by being the plucky, strong, independent high school girl that everyone could get behind (not like that you sickos), plus she’s way, way hotter than dumb ol’ SMG.
Best physical attribute: She looks like a kitty cat.
The downside: She looks like a kitty cat.
Learn more about Kristen at: www.kristen-b.net because fan sites are funny.
1. Lisa Loeb
Previous list appearances: Did not appear because y’all some heartless bastards.
Greatest accomplishment: She only hears what she wants to.
Best physical attribute: The glasses. I have always, ALWAYS been a sucker for a woman with glasses. It also doesn’t hurt that she is possibly the most strikingly beautiful woman I have ever met, and sweet to boot. Plus she could fit inside my shirt pocket. Adorable! I like writing three thousand words about beating off and then ending with “awww, I like her!”
The downside: Sometimes she throws out a lyric like “I like things that are so good/You are so, so good” and you just go “EEEEEEENNNNGGGGHHHH” like Kiff from Futurama.
Learn more about Lisa at: www.lisaloeb.com
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