How can I describe the way I'm attracted to women? Men have it easy because by stating how they'd like to fuck a girl, they're able to say it without sounding anything more than either lame or just an overly horny male. If I was to say something like the male equivalent of "drop trou and plow" in girl on girl terms it comes down to saying something like how I want to "drink from the fountain of her juices." There's no way to creatively say that I would want to have sex with a woman and not sound like a nut or a creep. So not only have I explored new avenues of my sexuality while making this list, I've also discovered I'm the only non-lesbian that has penis envy.
Anyhow, list.
25. Willa Ford
Previous list appearances: The last time anyone bothered to write about Willa Ford was 1999.
Greatest accomplishment: Coming right out of the gate as a pop singer acting like a wonderful, wonderful tramp. I think she's been relegated to reality TV shows now, but that one music video she has is pretty incredible.
Best physical attribute: I don't care how bad it may be to some people, but I love her wonderful fake breasts. Or at least how good they ended up looking in her Playboy spread.
The downside: The woman's real name is Amanda Willaford. Guess how she came up with her clever alias. Her beauty is, more than likely, a clever trick of light and mirrors.
Learn more about Willa at: i don't know. some guy's webtv page?
24. Laila Ali
Previous list appearances: Jon's #19 in 2003
Greatest accomplishment: Being the pretty, boxing daughter of Muhammad Ali who struggles on a daily basis with not being as pretty as her Dad. She is also a Quadruple Crown Super Middleweight. Once knocked the shit out of Rocky Marciano's great-grand neice. Oh like I'm supposed to know
Best physical attribute: Her shoulders are easily her best body parts. It's so hard for women athletes to build up their arms to have feminine shoulders. Most times they look awkward and manly, but Laila Ali's are still soft looking, fit, and muscular in the girl way.
The downside: I'm about as big as her foot. Also, her voice could even beat me up.
Learn more about Laila at: http://www.lailaali.us/
23. Lindy Booth
Previous list appearances: Did not appear. But B points her out every time we go into a restaurant and he doesn't want to sit at a freestanding table.
Greatest accomplishment: From the looks of her Internet Movie Database page, her best known role is in post-fear.com internet-centric horror movie "Cry_Wolf". They should make a sequel where she chats up the Swimfan on AIM and gets warned, and then all of her friends start dying one by one!
Best physical attribute: I'm known to take the company of a young lady occasionally and it's my dream to one day fuck myself.
The downside: She seems to pick roles on TV and movies with retarded character names including:
Hawk
Diva
Beulah
Dodger
so either she's really into professional wrestilng, or she's the monkey from Monkey Trouble.
Learn more about Lindy at: https://www.progressiveboink.com/archive/lindy
22. Holly Madison
Previous list appearances: Has the salaried position of #1 girlfriend at the Playboy Mansion.
Greatest accomplishment: Wonderfully possessive and neurotic golddigging girlfriend of an 80-year-old with two other girlfriends.
Best physical attribute: Her eyebrows. They're perfectly manicured (in the best way, since they're next to her bleached blonde hair) in a way that doesn't make them look like she stenciled them on with a sharpie.
The downside: Any time I watch Girls Next Door and I hear her scream "PUFFIN!~" or talk about how much she knows she wants children I want to dig my claws into the couch and rip the arm off.
Learn more about Holly at: http://www.hollymadison.com/
21. Stacy Keibler
Previous list appearances: #5 on Jt's list in 2004. I think it's pronounced "joot."
Greatest accomplishment: She's the only non-wrestler woman brought on to the WWE to wrestle that is legitimately pretty.
Best physical attribute: Everyone always goes with the monstrously long legs, but I'm going with her ass. It's got that whole 12-year-old boy thing going on, which I guess coming from a girl just makes me more of a weird pedo than anything. Maybe I just like wrestler girl ass.
The downside: If anyone anywhere hits a steel chair against a ring post, she collapses.
Learn more about Stacey at: http://www.stacymariekeibler.com/
20. KT Tunstall
Previous list appearances: Did not appear.
Greatest accomplishment: Having someone else perform her songs on American Idol, which took her songs from being occasionally played on Adult Contemporary stations to being played everywhere every five minutes between The Fray's "How To Save A Life" and Ferguson Darling's "Big Girls Don't Cry".
Best physical attribute: She has an oddly crooked nose, which I find adorable. Also, the fact that she may just be Karen O dressing as Tony Clifton to make fun of shitty singer-songwriters.
The downside: I'm convinced that "Black Horse and Cherry Tree" is a song about losing her virginity to a big black man.
Learn more about KT at: http://www.kttunstall.com/
19. Brody Dalle/Armstrong/whatever
Previous list appearances: #16 in 2003 on B's list. She missed out on the next few years because, come on, Coral Fang. Yeesh.
Greatest accomplishment: Having a moderately successful punk band. Still managing to be kinda hot despite post-baby chub.
Best physical attribute: Beneath the Courtney Love parallels and the smeary, awful makeup, she's much prettier than she'd lead you to believe. Her best feature is her lips. They avoid the Angelina Jolie ground of looking-like-someone-bashed-your-face-into-a-table swollen look by being full, but still maintaining the shape of real actual lips.
The downside: After Tim Armstrong and Jake Busey's chunky stoned cousin ( (c) emily rowley), I'm pretty sure that she has a nastiest minge in all the land.
Learn more about Brody at: http://www.thedistillers.com/
18. Minka Kelly
Previous list appearances: Did not appear.
Greatest accomplishment: Big boobed Asian fetish queen. Wait. She's on the TV show "Friday Night Lights."
Best physical attribute: I know a lot of people really go for what they describe as the "girl next door" look and while it's not usually my thing, she is by far the best example of this look than anyone else I can think of. She's just so very pretty. She's like Rachel Bilson's good features were added onto Rachel Leigh Cook's face. So her best physical attribute is, I don't know, her elbow.
The downside: She's just barely famous at this point. Plus I'm pretty sure if you let her down she can pull some strings and get Tim McGraw to angrily duct tape a football to your hands to show you how to not drop the ball.
Learn more about Minka at: http://www.minkakellyfans.com/
17. Vanessa Carlton
Previous list appearances: Did not appear. Ooooooh bop bop bop
Greatest accomplishment: Crazy, moonwalking, piano playing girl. The good one out of the dark haired singer-songwriters of the beginning of the decade. Fucked with everyone by claiming she was writing a hip hop album under the moniker "V".
Best physical attribute: I know I'll make mention of it for several other people, but her eyes. Not necessarily the shape or the color, but because you look at her eyes and she looks fucking crazy. B can write long stories about how much he loves Nellie McKay and how she's a wacko savant who just needs to use her mind and her hands to create, Vanessa Carlton 's eyes make her look like she's staring at you thinking about how she'd like to dismantle you.
The downside: If you were to have children with her, your babies would come out looking like Mac Tonight.
Learn more about V at: http://www.vanessacarlton.com/
16. Rosario Dawson
Previous list appearances: Jon's #9 in 2004
Greatest accomplishment: Kicking in Stuntman Mike's face. Hooker with AIDS.
(editors note: she was not a hooker)
Best physical attribute: Even though her breasts are incredible, I'm going to be a pussy about it all and say her smile. It makes her go from just being a pretty looking girl to an outstanding looking girl with one flash of her teeth.
The downside: The level of her attractiveness comes down to how her hair is styled at the time. For example, in Men in Black, her hair was super cute and short and she looked adorable, but looked flat faced with heavy straight bangs and a ponytail in Death Proof.
Learn more about Rosario at: puberty
15. Gwen Stefani
Previous list appearances: Justin's #20 in 2003.
Greatest accomplishment: Forming a modern day minstrel show during her solo career with a Japanese girl entourage. They're like 2/5ths "Ping." One time she did sweaty pushups, and oh man, was it great.
Best physical attribute: How lame is it to say "her forehead?" From her eyebrows to her hairline, it's just so perfectly manicured. I guess that's why ten years ago she had to accessorize it with a bindi.
The downside: I'm pretty sure she'll be dressing like she's still 20 well into her 50s, yet will still be praised for her "unique sense of style".
Learn more about Gwen at: http://www.gwenstefani.com/
14. Brenda Song
Previous list appearances: Did not appear.
Greatest accomplishment: Starring on the greatest show on television, where the whole point is to mock wealthy heiresses and be dressed in ridiculous outfits each week for the enjoyment of children. God bless America.
Best physical attribute: Any time she has wacky styled hair. She's the perfect type of girl to walk around with ribbons and streaks of red in it and still look super cute. I guess this is part of the reason why her best skill is how to wear any costume and make it look flattering.
The downside: Without any eye makeup on she looks like she should be a Chinese peasant extra.
Learn more about Brenda at: http://www.brendasongsite.com/
13. Parker Posey
Previous list appearances: #6 on Justin's 2003 list.
Greatest accomplishment: Making her part of any movie enjoyable. VH1 now has some awful show called "I Hate My 30s" because they can't make anything that doesn't involve naming dates. This show involves an office setting where the receptionist is a girl in her twenties who dresses like she fell down in Avril Lavigne's closet doing a really bad impression of Fiona from Josie and the Pussycats. I was watching this show with B and went on a rant about how awful that was and how cool Parker Posey is in comparison. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm secretly a big fan of hers or that she needed to be defended, but I got it all out. She's really great at what she does and I end up enjoying most of the stuff she's done, even when it's stuck up its own ass.
Best physical attribute: The weird face she makes where she kind of grits her teeth together and stares. I don't know if it's her thinking face or what, but it's awesome.
The downside: She speaks like Juliette Lewis, which can be best described as "Nell from the movie Nell with less retard but equivalent crazy."
Learn more about Parker at: http://www.parkerposey.org/
12. Tera Patrick
Previous list appearances: Did not appear.
Greatest accomplishment: I don't think anyone considers double penetration an accomplishment, so we're going with "famous non-Jenna Jameson porn star".
Best physical attribute: I know they kind of make her look like some sort of weird cat lady, but her eyes are awesome. They give her such a different look and she's still able to look wack and sex-faced at the same time, which I guess is good because of her job and all.
The downside: The brief time she decided to try to be blonde. When your fame and marketability come from the fact that you don't look like a cracked out Barbie, cosmetically changing yourself to look like a cracked out Barbie is a bad idea.
Learn more about Tera at: pornography on the internet
11. Devon Aoki
Previous list appearances: In 2003 she placed #10 on Emily's list.
Greatest accomplishment: She has the speechless Asian girl in a major role part in any major Hollywood film on lockdown.
Best physical attribute: I think she's the only half-Asian girl to not only have freckles, but look good in spite of them. She also is a half step away from looking like she has Downs, but for whatever reason it adds to her attractiveness.
The downside: It's been scientifically proven that she doesn't actually have parents, and was born when somebody decided to bring a Dollfie to life like in Weird Science.
Learn more about Devon at: http://www.fan-sites.org/devon/
10. Keira Knightley
Previous list appearances: B's #12 in 2003.
Greatest accomplishment: Sassy wannabe pirate girl who is inexplicably great at sword fighting.
Best physical attribute: The shape of her face. It's the one thing that she has over Natalie Portman. While Natalie's face looks too pixie-ish (and isn't helped by her acting like a retard ranting about magic in movies now) Keira's looks soft and elegant. I think that sentence makes me sound like more of a lesbo than making mention about how I want inside the Lindy Booth.
The downside: Anytime she opens her fucking mouth and spews out that cockney accent. And whenever she pouts, her nose narrows and makes her face look like someone drilled two holes into a plastic Halloween mask. She should be at the horse track yelling "MOVE YER BLOOMIN ARSE" at rich folk.
Learn more about Keira at: http://www.keiraknightley.com/
9. Meg White
Previous list appearances: Did not appear. Still managed to participate in the list in an off-time manner.
Greatest accomplishment: The less musically talented and enthusiastic half of divorcee duo The White Stripes.
Best physical attribute: Her deceptively huge rack. Yep. Going with the rack.
The downside: She seems like the type of girl who mumbles instead of actually speaking, which is less annoying that apathetic girl voice, but would still cause me to go insane just out of paranoia that I'd be going deaf. Plays drums like a humorous cat who found its way onto America's Funniest Home Videos.
Learn more about Meg at: http://www.whitestripes.com/
8. Mickie James
Previous list appearances: #2 on Wrestling Clothesline's Top 50 Women, which I suspect is a list about laundry maids.
Greatest accomplishment: Being the other female wrestler on RAW besides Melina that makes RAW tolerable to watch when they're doing something with the women.
Best physical attribute: Asssssssss. It's wonderfully round and has a perfect bump, and makes me long for her wrestling gear from when she first showed up, which consisted of two overlapping shaggy skirts and a double pair of underwear.
The downside: Like any woman wrestler on TV, with the exception of Moolah, her career is finite and mostly depends on her company obedience and level of attractiveness.
Learn more about Mickie at: I don't know, nobody in the WWE has ever used a computer!
7. Christina Aguilera
Previous list appearances: #10 on Nick's 2004 Hot Girls List
Greatest accomplishment: Being the non-trashy, non-enormous, sane one to come out of the late 90s blonde pop singer boom.
Best physical attribute: Her mouth. She has great lips and perfect teeth. Some might go on about her powerful voice, but I'm sticking with the lips and teeth. And possibly her fire hose penis.
The downside: If I were an amateur comedian I'd make a joke about her dirrty style, but honest to God, that's when she got hot. So instead I'll go with anytime she has a really dark tan and dark hair. That's bad medicine.
Learn more about Xtina at: http://www.christinaaguilera.com/
6. Rachel Weisz
Previous list appearances: Did not appear. Although I swore she was on there somewhere.
Greatest accomplishment: First became famous for fucking a mummy, I think. (editors note: she did not fuck a mummy) Is now sort of married to one of the best modern filmmakers around.
Best physical attribute: I think it might be her cheekbones, but I can't decide. There's something intangible about her pretty. She's the living human being equivalent of "very well written." I think she's pretty, but I'm not called upon to say it all the time.
The downside: Never actually filmed herself having sex with Gretchen Mol.
Learn more about Rachel at: http://www.rachel-weisz.net/
5. Miyuu Sawai
Previous list appearances: Not present. She may not have been born yet.
Greatest accomplishment: Donning a blonde wig and sexy sailor outfit, which is the way I describe everyone else on this list. Seriously though, she was on a crappy Japanese television show as Sailor Moon which was made enjoyable by the incredibly cute and charming cosplay girls. She's also an idol in Japan, which means "she was a pretty teenager who was willing to be photographed and videotaped giggling in a bikini for sale to envious girls, horny teen boys and horny old men."
Best physical attribute: Her skin. What the fuck is that supposed to say about how I view women? It just really is flawless. Even though she's like, 15.
The downside: She's like, 15.
Learn more about Miyuu at: Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon
4. Li Gong
Previous list appearances: Did not appear. Was busy being hosted by Chuck Barris in France.
Greatest accomplishment: Being so hot she called worldwide attention to Zhang Yimou, probably the 2nd greatest Asian director of all time, the first being Joseph Kahn, director of Torque.
Best physical attribute: Her entire face. I admit to a preference for Asian women and Gong Li is the best example of what a pretty Chinese woman looks like. She's like the Charlize Theron of Asia. Different people have different, "pretty" facial features, but Gong has them all at once. She's an aesthetic Mrs. Potato Head. You reach in her ass cabinet and she's got like, diamonds in there and shit.
The downside: The recent trend of her starring in American films with really, really terrible sex scenes. It makes me long for the days when she was dressed in button down cheongsam dresses and silently scowling.
Learn more about Li at: http://www.admiringgongli.com/
3. Audrey Tautou
Previous list appearances: Emily's #4 in 2003 and 2004.
Greatest accomplishment: Loveable pixie Amelie and great-grand niece or daughter or something of Jesus Christ.
Best physical attribute: The nose. It's what makes her be adorable sweet-faced girl instead of super fox. While this is something that I could easily hold against her, it's just so perfectly small and arched that I love looking at it. Hello, nose! /poke poke
The downside: Anytime she's cast in an English-speaking role I think she's going to be directed to speak like she's Inspector Clouseau asking for a "AMBAHURGER! ammmmburgaaarrrrr"
Learn more about Audrey at: http://audrey-tautou.org/
2. Monica Bellucci
Previous list appearances: Jon's #9 in 2003
Greatest accomplishment: Despite her long filmography of Italian films, she's best known to Americans for placing on multiple hot girls lists and for playing the lady whose husband gets a digital (hybrid) hummer in the Matrix sequels.
Best physical attribute: It may be because she's Italian, but her eyes are amazing. I know B is the big Asia Argento guy around here and she doesn't do much for me, but I think her eyes are really incredible. On the list of wonderful Monica Bellucci body parts, it's the eyes that really stand out and make her go from pretty to gorgeous.
The downside: In 15 years she'll be getting the Helen Mirren push as everyone's favorite 60-year-old they'd like to fuck, which it's cool that people can understand that people in their 60s can still look good, but ew, they're still 60.
Learn more about Monica at: http://monicabelluccifan.com/
1. Isla Fisher
Previous list appearances: Not present.
Greatest accomplishment: Making any non-Diora Baird part of the Wedding Crashers bearable to watch by being adorable.
Best physical attribute: Hair hair hair hair hair. I guess I've become a Cowsill or something, but I've always had a soft spot for red hair. I just love it. It also makes me go back and forth between wanting to hug her and wanting to fuck her.
The downside: Sometimes she reminds me of the happy octopus bathmat on B's bathroom floor.
Learn more about Isla at: http://www.islafisher.co.uk/
B's
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