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Drew Barrymore
Nude Scene Extravaganza
It's, like...magical.
written by Emily on December 30th - 2003
As has been stated on this website
many a time before, I like girls. Not in that "I'm drunk at
a party and I made out with my sorority sister OMG I'm so totally
bi-sexual" kind of way, or even that "Mom and Dad, I
have something very important to tell you" kind of way. I
just like them. They're pretty and nice to look at. And while I
must proclaim my alligience to the male anatomy, the fact remains
that a girl's dangly bits are nicer than a boys. It's with this
in mind that I decided to re-kindle the long dormant torch of Nude Scene Extravaganzas, first brought to
us by the letter B, back
in the long, long ago. Before the darkness came.
In trying to decide which fair lady I'd favor with internet
exploitation, I went back and reviewed my Hot Girl list. Kate Winslet, obviously, has been done. Jennifer Connelly was my
first choice, but after staring at my computer for 20 minutes, I
failed to come up with any ways to include "The House of
Sand and Fog" in a joke about boobies and/or cooter, so I
cried a little bit and went back to the drawing board. Audrey
Tautou has done nude scenes, but they're all in French, so they
don't really count. Charisma Carpenter and Keri Russell are both
teetering on the edge of, but have yet to fall into the precipce,
of bad, B grade HBO movies. You know, the kind where they start
off the film as like, a secretary or a paralegal, all uptight and
fully clothed. Then by the end of the movie they're in a
warehouse getting poked in the butt by a cop played by Ian
Ziering. A further search of my list showed me that T.a.T.u.,
while mistresses of the thin white cotton wifebeater, aren't
actually in any movies, and Morgan Webb (to the best of our
knowledge here at the P-boi think
tank) has never even come close to being naked. I should note
that this last fact is much to the dismay of roughly 1/3 the
visitors our site recieves via google search. Then it occured to
me. Drew Barrymore. She's done Playboy, she's had her
Straight-to-Video phase, and she was, by all accounts, pretty
slutty back in the day. So here, in all it's stupid angel
tattooed glory, is Drew Barrymore, the E! True Hollywood story.
. . . wait, no.
. . . okay, overused joke, I know. Just be glad there's not naked Tom Green in this post.
. . . . . .and really, if I'd had my way this week's update would've been nothing but dirty fan-fic involving me and that Scottish hobbit, so cut me some slack.
Naked with Cowboys
Film: "Bad Girls"
Role: Lily Laronette, a sassy, six-shooting. . .
.uh, whore. With poorly done hair extensions.
It says something that I don't even remember there being a nude scene in this movie, I just found it when I was looking for pictures. The film itself is about four prostitutes in the old west who break out of their feminine conventions and try to be cowboys. It's all about female empowerment! And women who won't conform to what men think they should be! And then Barrymore takes her dress off. 'Cause she's empowered, see? You can tell, 'cause she's frolicking in a river, or some shit.
Naked with Whoopi
Goldberg
Film: "Boys on the Side"
Role: Holly Pulchik, murderous dimwit with a
heart of gold.
This film was right smack dab in the middle of Drew's super hot phase. She was still blonde, she still had the cute hair, and she tended to get naked every couple of days. She does it twice here. At some point she has a lengthy conversation while in bed with Matthew McConaughey. Her other scene involves her flashing her abusive boyfriend while he's bound and gagged. This scene, while lovely for it's boobage, reminds us all of one of Drew's more famous roles, starring in. . . . .
Naked with David
Letterman
Film: "Unmarked and tucked away somewhere
in the back of Letterman's closet,"
Role: Slutty the ingenue.
Drew Barrymore flashing David
Letterman
on
actual recorded film~! Right click and select "save as"
to save. 4.5
downloadatrons.
We all remeber it, even if we didn't see it. Drew was on the show, no doubt talking about how "magical" it is to be young and drunk in Hollywood, and how if she weren't an actress she'd like to be a knife maker. At some point the subject turned to Drew's recent striptease in a nightclub. Being Dave's birthday, Drew decended to climb onto his desk and give him a free one. Television history was made. I'd say something about Dave being the luckiest man in late night, but Conan O'Brien could pretty much fuck any girl in America between the ages of 18 and 30. And Jay has a lifetime supply of Doritos. Can't beat that.
Naked with a
Homosexual Superhero
Film: "Mad Love"
Role: Casey Roberts, a high school student with
mental problems. Just as Angelina Jolie turned hoardes of
faux-alty girls bi-sexual, Casey Roberts made them all read
"Go Ask Alice" and wish they were cool and had manic
depression. This is the reason "Girl, Interrupted" was
successful people. And just for the record, I was totally not one
of those girls, I swear. I couldn't have been faux-alty, I played
soccer damnit! Look, I'll prove it. Here's a picture of me in
high school.
Before knowing B: SOCCER!!1 - After knowing B: SOCCER!!1
and also wrestling
Anyway. . . the scene isn't one of Drew's more naked. It's like any other scene in a movie like this, with orange lighting and some alt-rock ballad on the soundtrack. The type of scene that leads teens to believe that if they engage in premarital sex while still in high school it's going to be this amazing otherworldly experience. Not embarrassment and ackwardness on a couch in the basement.
The main flaw of the scene is that it doesn't end with O'Donnell getting hit by a train. I will say, however, that any Drew film wins points if it fails to include her making out with a Conner kid.
Naked
in a Bloody Shower (the fuck?)
Film: "Doppelganger"
Role: Holly Gooding (Which, believe it or not,
is a reference to Holly Golightly. In a horror film. Fuckin' A)
I've never seen "Doppelganger," and I'm willing to bet none of you have either. But my friends over at the Internet Movie Data Base tell me that in this film is about a woman who relocates from New York to LA after being implicated in a murder. And she's aparently followed there by her evil alter-ego. And then proceeds to have a lot of sex with her landlord, played by George Newbern. So basically this is Drew's version of the Alyssa Milano classic "Embrace of the Vampire." Only instead of fucking some guy from the Spandau Ballet, she's fucking that guy from "Friends" that really like to tickle his sister. Maybe they'll make a sequel to "Embrace of the Vampire" and have Jamie Pressley get bent over a table by various members of Power Station.
Naked with Cam-Ron D
and Destiny
Film: "Charlies Angels: Full Throttle"
(DVD Extra)
Role: Dylan Sanders, the one that's not a
Yakuza. Or a scarecrow that vaguely resembles a once pretty girl.
When I first moved to Richmond the
girl I was living with was gay. She was young, and kind of
confused, and therefore fullfilled just about every lesbian
cliche you could think of. She owned "Tomb Raider" on
video. She read "Tank Girl" comics. She listened to Ani
Difranco and made Xena photoshops on her computer. She spent most
of her time with two friends, a lesbian couple. Once B and I were
sitting on my couch watching a movie when they all three (along
with a delicate boy named "Saph") came trudging into my
apartment, one half of the couple in part of her drag-king
costume. She had on mostly leather, a bandana tying her hair
back, and there was a sharpie mustache drawn across her lip. When
B saw her he pulled a full-on Bender, and a brick actually fell
out of his ass.
Though my roommate was normally too preoccupied tasting vagina to
pay much attention to me, it somehow came to pass that she,
myself, and the aforementioned couple all went out together to
see "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle." This wasn't a
movie I was thrilled to pay 8 bucks for to begin with, but to
watch it with three lesbians. . . that was interesting. Fucking
Pink was onscreen for all of a minute and I thought they were
going to start humping the seats in front of them. Cameron Diaz
started riding a mechanical bull and they all turned into cartoon
wolves, with their eyes bugging out and steam coming out of their
ears. When we walked out the aforementioned drag-king announced
loudly to the Regal cinema patrons that she needed a cigarette.
The point of the story? There isn't one. I just thought I'd make
the observation that it looks like they've all stripped naked to
take a poop in front of a big crate a little more atmospheric.
Also, you've all learned in the last week that I not only lost my
job, but paid full price to see fucking Charlies Angels 2:
Charlies Angeler. I don't have handy dandy paypal button or
anything, but donations are accepted.
Emily
[email protected]
Aim: Roxymoron87
