Jon
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Jon@progressiveboink.com
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15. Nina Sky
Last year's list: Not to be
seen. They were birthed by the pop-culture mothership about two months ago with a
set of handcuffs that keeps them from moving more than two feet away from each other, as
well as a Post-It note containing the lyrics of "Move Ya Body".
Best physical attribute: Their monozygotic-osity.
Greatest accomplishment: Performing a song that is played on every
Top 40 radio station at least 76% of the time.
The downside: If I drank Coors, I would have outlined how I love "TWINS"
as well as "MAKING QUARTERBACKS CRY" and "BACK-TO-BACK.
SUPER BOWL WIYANS!" But I'm more of a Bud Light man, and the notion of
sisters making out is grossly unattractive to me, and John Elway is an asshole.
...
AIND TWEEEEANS
14. Sharon Leal
Last year's list: #7
Best physical attribute: Her disgusted-looking smile. Check
out that second pic.
Greatest accomplishment: Finding the most unrealistic role in history --
the hot teacher who kick-boxes for fun.
The downside: Other than "Boston Public", she's never
really been in anything. Do you know how hard it is to find pictures of her? I
couldn't even get to pic #3 without including at least four of Fyvush Finkel's chins.
13. The "I just joined this site. Seems cool here. Wanna chat? ;-)" girl from all those pop-up ads
Last year's list: It's a
shame that she didn't "pop up" at least somewhere on the list! get it, "somewhere"
Best physical attribute: Her ability to type faster than anyone
else I know.
Greatest accomplishment: A lot of what makes her hot is her
super-geek ability to contact you using the American Singles Instant Messenger, an
instant-message program that you do not have. She can also find out which website
you're looking at and somehow join it instantly, regardless of whether it's a form of
Internet media that allows you to "join" it.
The downside: She never responds. :(
12. Trish Stratus
Last year's list: Nowhere, as
my childhood love of wrestling had not yet resurrected.
Best physical attribute: Everything. From a physical
standpoint, she's perfect.
Greatest accomplishment: Convincing everybody that she's a
"diva" by acting like a stripper and hanging out with Tyson Tomko.
The downside: She dates Tyson Tomko. Fucking Tyson Tomko.
Can't really explain why, but he's one of my least favorite people in the entire
world. Her and I would never work anyway; she's way too mean. I refuse to be
jealous of a heavyweight bout between Iron Mike and a starting pitcher for
the Giants.
11. Bonnie Bernstein
Last year's list: Not there;
my lady-sportscaster quota was taken by Melissa Stark. Melissa owes her ousting to
the asshole cameramen who would rather point the camera at Michael Phelps.
Best physical attribute: Her hairstyles, which she gets from
looking at 1992 high school yearbooks.
Greatest accomplishment: Making former Kansas basketball coach Roy
Williams say "shit" in front of 30 million people.
The downside: It's not really her fault, but whenever she covers
Chicago football I have the knee-jerk reaction to yell "THE BERNSTEIN BEARS
LOL" until someone punches me.
10. Angelina Jolie
Last year's list: #2.
Sorry, lady.
Best physical attribute: Her lips, which look like she kissed a beehive
full of bees which stung her on the lips and that is why her lips are so swollen.
Greatest accomplishment: Looking like a heroin addict, yet still looking
attractive.
The downside: Her recent transformation from jaded lady who likes
to wear makeup and lie around, to weird
space-pirate from the future.
9. Estella Warren
Last year's list: #13
Best physical attribute: Her resemblance of a non-junkie Angelina Jolie.
Greatest accomplishment: I've really only seen her in "Planet
of the Apes", so I've got to go with that second picture. Possibly the sexiest
photograph ever taken by human camera.
The downside: I have the distinct feeling that if I ever get her
naked, she'll have the ancient ruins of the Statue of Liberty between her legs.
8. Rosario Dawson
Last year's list: Not there
yet; at the time she had just hit a fastball off the outfield wall and was trying not to
get thrown out at first base. Don't feel bad for not getting that one; it's a
baseball joke.
Best physical attribute: Her ability to morph race at will from
black to Hispanic to Native American to 100-meter dash.
Greatest accomplishment: Making me pretend I was Edward Norton and
falling in love with her in "The 25th Hour".
The downside: It's not really her fault, but whenever I'm watching
one of her movies and she opens a door with improperly-oiled hinges, I have the knee-jerk
reaction to yell "DAWSON'S CREAK LOL" until someone stabs me in the groin
with a battering ram.
7. Priest Holmes
Last year's list: Not
here. He was probably in one of my gimmick articles saving the nation of Chile from
a thousand-foot-tall robot built in the likeness of Bob Vila.
Best physical attribute: Explosive quickness and an ability to
exploit holes in an opponent's defense.
Greatest accomplishment: Scoring an NFL-record 27 rushing
touchdowns in an improbable comeback from a fractured hip the season before.
The downside: None. Priest Holmes is the best running back in
the NFL today, and will be a force to be reckoned with as the Kansas City Chiefs aim for
their first Super Bowl win since 1970.
6. Natalie Portman
Last year's list: #4
Best physical attribute: Probably her eyes. I'm sure it's not
her body, since every single picture on the Internet is a face shot. I'm not
entirely convinced that she's not just a floating head with accompanying floating hands.
Greatest accomplishment: Starring in Star Wars Episode I and not
making me want to stuff her in a barrel and set fire to said barrel and throw said barrel
into the ocean.
The downside: Averaged 1.3 yards per carry last season, over three
yards per carry short of the estimable Priest Holmes.
5. Lauryn Hill
Last year's list: Nonexistent.
I completely forgot to include her, and there's just no excuse.
Best physical attribute: The best smile in the whole world.
I'm attracted to women who are happy and nice.
Greatest accomplishment: Making "The Mis-Education of Lauryn
Hill", one of the only albums I liked six years ago and still like now.
The downside: The fact that she has fallen completely off the
face of the planet is what keeps her from being #1 on this list.
4. Beyonce Knowles
Last year's list: #2
Best physical attribute: Her eyes. Destiny's Child should
have made a single called "Eyes, Which Are a Feature That It Is Possible to Admire
Without Sounding Shallow, -alicious".
Greatest accomplishment: Ditching the ugly half of Destiny’s
Child to make a new Destiny’s Child, then ditching the rest of Destiny’s Child
that she had not previously ditched to start a solo career.
The downside: Her solo career sounds like
Aretha Franklin singing karaoke while drunk.
3. Monica Bellucci
Last year's list: #9
Best physical attribute: I know I haven't focused much on this so
far, and it is a tough call considering she's perfect, but when it comes right down to it,
her best attributes are her enormous tits.
Greatest accomplishment: Giving us something to look at while the
Merovingian is discussing philosophy or Jesus is getting beat up,
The downside: It's not really her fault, but whenever Blues
Traveler decides to write a song about her I'll have the knee-jerk reaction to yell "HARMONICA
BELLUCCI LOL" until someone hits me in the ear with a truck.
2. Norah Jones
Last year's list: #4 on B's
list. I traded her for Foxy Brown.
Best physical attribute: Her overall presence - not innocent, yet
not slutty or pissed off. She doesn't ever seem to look the same in any two
pictures, but she's beautiful in every single one.
Greatest accomplishment: Releasing an album, "Come Away With
Me", which was purchased and enjoyed by every single person in the world, with the
exception of four-year-old Kwame Mbuto of Kigali, Rwanda. He plans to do so as soon
as he gets tired of "Cracked Rear View" by Hootie and the Blowfish.
The downside: She is not my wife.
1. Shakira
Last year's list: #1. I
got little Norah Jones and Shakira action figures and made them fight to the death.
After several minutes of hitting them together and making the noises "woosh" and
"psssh" with my mouth, it was decided when Norah's arm fell off.
Best physical attribute: That's like asking what the worst thing is
about those window decals of Calvin pissing on [insert object].
EVERYTHING.
Greatest accomplishment: Betraying her namesake by not being the
period of time in which Shaquille O'Neal played basketball.
The downside:
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