Repping
the Gender: Top 15
written by B, Jon, Justin, Mark, Emily, and Nick on october 28th
- 2001
Emily
Destinys2ndKid: wait, what do you want your intro to say
Roxymoron87: have it say "BUT I AIN'T A LESBIAN OR
NOTHIN'"
15. CHIAKI KURIYAMA
Famous for: Going medieval
on the ass of one Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill."
Earns points for: This may be a case of the
character making the girl. I've really never seen her in anything
else, but the outfit, combined with the pin straight hair,
combined with the pissed expression, equalled out to one very hot
girl.
Loses points for: Never being able to tell
whether you've penetrated her, or whether it is in fact she who
has penetrated you.
14. MORGAN WEBB
Famous for: Playing,
"Morgan" on the Tech TV series "The Screen
Savers." Can currently be seen playing, "Morgan"
on the Tech TV series "X-Play."
Earns points for: Being a super cute girl who not only
talks about, but legitimately KNOWS about computers. I don't
personally know anything about computers, but I'd like her to
come over to my house and INSTALL MORE RAM. WAIT, I MEAN I'D RAM
HER. WAIT. . . WHAT?
Loses point for: The fact that just now it occurred to
me that I should've replaced her on my list with Amy Wynn Pastor
from "Trading Spaces," but I'm too lazy to.
13. MAYA RUDOLPH
Famous for: Being one of the few talented people
in the current cast of Saturday Night Live. And if anyone cares
(which no one does), her mother was Minnie Ripperton, who sang
the '70s hit and Burger King anthem, "Loving You."
Earns points for: Her freckles, an integral part
of her really weird looking face. In the opening credits of SNL,
when she kind of turns suddenly and stares slack-jawed at the
camera, she reminds me of a meerkat. Oh, and four words:
"Time Travelin' Scott Joplin."
Loses points for: Her close personal friendship
with Gwenyth Paltow, the human fishstick.
12. SOPHIE DAHL
Famous for: Once upon a time she was the only
plus-sized model anybody had ever heard of, except for Emme. Now
apparently she's an actress or something. But I think she acts in
women's prison films, so let's just move away from that one
slowly. . .
Earns points for: Looking way too much like a
porcelain doll.
Loses points for: Selling out and losing all of
her Sexy Chubb.
11. VANESSA BRANCH
Famous for: I guess she's done some movies, and
even a soap opera. But she's number 1 in my heart for her role as
the "Orbit Gum Girl."
Earns points for: Not being one of the Miller
Lite Catfight Girls.
Loses points for:
Destinys2ndKid: I gotta tell you thought, Vanessa Branch
*was* born in London.
Destinys2ndKid: She just grew up in Vermont.
Roxymoron87: oh, well you can change it then.
Destinys2ndKid: Whatta you want me to change it to?
Roxymoron87: instead of "isn't really
british" change it to "the british accent isn't
real."
Destinys2ndKid: Well, her parents are British, so she got
it from them
Roxymoron87: BUT SHE DOESN'T SPEAK WITH A BRITISH
ACCENT, BECAUSE SHE IS FROM VERMONT.
Destinys2ndKid: She grew up in like six different places,
she just went to high school and college in Vermont.
Destinys2ndKid: Read her bio!
Roxymoron87: fine, change it to whatever you want then.
God, too much of a hassle.
Destinys2ndKid: She holds a degree in Mandarin Chinese as
well!
Roxymoron87: then change it to "the chinese accent
isn't real"
Destinys2ndKid: haha, that's hilarious
Roxymoron87: or you could just copy/paste this entire
IM conversation and put that as what she loses points for.
Roxymoron87: lol i love britneys n00 song 2
Roxymoron87: my hips r movin at a rapid pase lol
Roxymoron87: sorry wrong window
10. DEVON AOKI
Famous for: Being the "thing" that
Ludacris was gonna do for his country in, "2 Fast 2
Furious."
Earns points for: Being kind of cross-eyed, but
making it sexy. And again with the freckles.
Loses points for: I think she's a little bit
retarded. But it's that kind of retarded that comes from hanging
out with the Hilton sisters and having a perfect life.
9. CHARISMA CARPENTER
Famous for: Playing Cordelia Chase on both Buffy
the Vampire Slayer and it's spinoff, Angel. Fictiously falling in
love with Giant Nerdlinger Xander Harris, making geeks think they
have a chance with the Bitchy Hot Girl. Possibly playing the
oldest non-"Wet Hot American Summer" teenager on
record.
Earns points for: Generally my tastes run
towards girls who are pretty, but sort of off-kilter. But even I
can't pretend that Charisma isn't just about the most perfect
looking human being created. And it appears to be 100% grade A
prime meat. I'd like to make her a member of the mile high club.
BRB Miami Vice is on.
Loses points for: Aging.
8. T.a.T.u.
Famous for: Being every pedophile's dream; two
hot underage lesbians in school girl outfits. Oh, and also making
a record, or something. I don't know, but they make out a lot.
Earn points for: I think it's nice that they're
both kinda skanky, but hot in two different ways. Brown T.a.T.u
has that tanned waifish thing happening, like Rachel Leigh Cook
in the "This is your brain" commercial. Red T.a.T.u.
has that pale curvacious farmer's daughter thing happening, and
she never wears a bra. Also, the fact that both of them seem to
hate themselves and everyone else is kind of a turn on.
Lose points for: Being too young for me to
incorporate any Yakov Smirnoff humor into this write up.
7. SHERI MOON
Famous for: Being the crazy chick of my dreams
in "House of A 1000 Corpses."
Earns points for: "We like to get
fucked up and do fucked up shit." Also, I think she's
Rob Zombie's girlfriend. And I kind of wish Rob Zombie was my
dad.
Loses points for: Assumedly, not being the
character I have a crush on all of the time.
6. KERI RUSSELL
Famous for: Playing the title role on
"Felicity." Shattering stereotypes by being a
Mousketeer with out a pop album.
Earns points for: The hair. What the hell y'all,
I'm unoriginal.
Loses points for: I dunno, but has anyone else
noticed my list's weird affinity for the cast of Malibu Shores?
5. LISA BONET
Famous for: Playing Cosby kid Denise Huxtable.
Being publicly hated by Bill Cosby. Turning into a weird hippie
that hangs out with Elmira from Tiny Toons.
Earns points for: Her crazy ass-long hair. Her
giant tattoos. Being The Prettiest Mulatto Girl in the Whole
World, and marrying The Prettiest Mulatto Boy in the Whole World,
Lenny Kravitz.
Loses points for:
This.(http://rainyblackcrow.tripod.com)
4. AUDREY TAUTOU
Famous for: Her performance as the elfin and
adorable title character in "Amelie." She's actually
got a pretty respectable French filmography, but unless you go
out of your way to see foreign films about slutty women of a
certain age (i.e. "Venus Beauty Institute"), Amelie is
probably all you know her as.
Earns points for: There's honestly not a thing
about her I don't find completely adorable. Even her big ears are
charming. And I cut my hair to look like hers does in
"Amelie." Also, some of the nicest natural breasts in
recent memory.
Loses points for: Running the risk of pulling a
Penelope Cruz and only making crap American movies, now that
she's had a trans-atlantic hit film.
3. KATE WINSLET
Famous for: Showing her tits in everything
everywhere. Peeing on herself then having sex with Harvey Keitel
(ew). That movie about a boat that she was all naked in.
Earns points for: Again with the natural breast
factor. The fact that I've seen hers more than I've seen mine
doesn't hurt. Also, I'm not a big fan of overly tan girls, so the
fact she was her hottest in "Hideous Kinky" where she
played a hippie mom in the desert wins her points as well.
Loses points for: Every single line of dialogue
she uttered in "Titanic."
2. JENNIFER CONNELLY
Famous for: Being the object of affection of the
Rocketeer, the Hulk, AND Jareth, the Goblin King.
Earns points for: Green eyes, pale skin, and
dark brown hair.
Loses points for: Apparently still trying to
convince us she's a heroin addict, four years after the fact.
1. DREW BARRYMORE
Famous for: Gertie. Alcoholism at age 13. Two
stupid marriages. Fucking Tom Skeritt on the hood of a car.
Flashing Letterman. Making it hard to ignore the fact that McG
exists.
Earns points for: Let's get this straight. Drew
Barrymore today: not hot at all. Drew Barrymore circa the movie
"Mad Love:" the hottest thing ever. In fact, I think
she was the first girl I can ever recall being attracted to. She
has one of the most beautiful mouths I've ever seen, and tattooed
chicks are always cool. Even if they have borderline stupid
tattoos of cherubs and shit.
Loses points for: Marrying Tom Green and
morphing into Lispy Potatoface.
- Emily
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