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The 5 Worst Christmas
Music Videos Ever.
written by Jon- december 16 - 2003
5. Charlotte Church – “Silent Night”
Basically, it’s just Charlotte Church, surrounded by an orchestra, standing in the part of the cathedral that is normally reserved for Jesus, I think.
I hate this video, mostly because I hate Charlotte Church. She’s like the vagina’s answer to Billy Gilman. They were 12-year-olds making music for church-going 60-year-olds. I bet that if they had sex, she would give birth to the book of Job.
Silent Night is the only song I ever learned how to play on the keyboard, but after hearing this video, I think I got it all wrong. I should have stepped over to the far right of the keyboard and used only the very highest note, and sustained that note for the entire song. I could never use this note as a kid, because John Smith, the weird kid who lived down the street from me, would come over to my house after school and start crying and screaming whenever he heard a high-pitched noise. Elementary school was tough for him.
FIRST GRADE
Asshole kid: Hey John,
guess what?
John: What?
Asshole kid: EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
John: Aaaaauggggggh!!! *cries*
SECOND GRADE
Asshole kid: Hey John, guess what?
John: What?
Asshole kid: EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
John: Aaaaauggggggh!!! *cries*
THIRD GRADE
Asshole kid: Hey John, guess what?
John: No, YOU guess what! I went to a special camp this summer. I had a lot of
visits with my doctor, too. High-pitched noises won’t bother me anymore!
Asshole kid: Oh.
John: Ha! What are you gonna do now?
Asshole kid: EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
John: Aaaaauggggggh!!! *cries*
If John Smith managed to survive middle school, this video probably finished him off. But this article isn’t about John’s head exploding. This is about Christmas.
4. Faith Hill – “Where Are You Christmas?”
When God sent Jesus to Earth, he did so that mankind shall be offered salvation. Not so Faith Hill can dress up as Queen Frostine from Candy Land and scream out a power-ballad about the movie “The Grinch” starring Jim Carrey. The worst part about it is that it’s totally meant to be dramatic and heartfelt.
“If you have hope in
your heart and your mind
Then you will feel like Christmas all the time”
Faith Hill shouts these lyrics down the mountain while the director inserts stock scenes of the movie. I think they should make music videos of soundtrack songs illegal. With a few exceptions, pretty much every soundtrack video director these days has the singer dress up in a costume from the movie, which is simultaneously being shown via projector on a curtain in the background that is blowing around with help from a wind tunnel. When I get rich and famous, I’m going to have a crew follow me at all times so they set up a curtain behind me and show footage of me getting first place in the obstacle course in third grade. Since I’m nice, I’d ask them to cut out the part that John Smith got stuck in the tire maze and starting screaming and crying and puking until one of the supervisors pulled him out. But yeah, The Grinch sucked, and so does Faith Hill, and so does this video.
3. Jon Secada – “O Holy
Night”
Jon Secada is already on my shit list for spelling his name without the H, just like I do. It’s my trademark. I don’t like the spelling “John” because a) that weird kid spelled it that way, and b) “John” sounds like a guy who lives in the forest and chops wood for money. I’m not really sure why or how I get that impression, but I’m positive that it’s an accurate one. You can’t have Jon as your name unless you’re Jon Stewart, Jon Favreau, or Tupac Shakur. And conveniently enough, two of those people were already born with the name Jon.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with this video, until the very end, where he belts out
Oh, niiigggggghhhhht….
OH
NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
III
III
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIII
IIIIIIGHT
Seriously, he holds this note for about how long you’ll spend reading this article, which is at least twenty seconds. Take note of how he looks like he’s crying through the whole thing, and take special note of the first picture, in which Jon is clearly at least five seconds into the word “NIGHT” while the chorus member in the background is still stuck on “oh”.
The best worst
best part is after he finally gets done with the word NIGHT and looks like he’s
having an orgasm, or crapping his pants, or maybe both, or probably both.
2. Carnie & Wendy Wilson – “Hey Santa”
The FCC just called to inform me that I’m required by law to include at least one video that carries the “I only want you for Christmas” cliché. If I don’t, they’re going to bomb my pirated radio station, which is actually just a cordless phone antenna taped to a karaoke machine. Then I’ll go into hiding and they’ll find me nine miles from my hometown, huddling under an upside-down plastic swimming pool. Then the Internet will make about 25,000 Flash games about a shooting me off of my camel and call it SADDAMMA YO’ MAMA.
I’m pretty sure this is the worst concept for a video ever. It’s a blooper/outtake video of itself. Meaning, they purposely staged screw-ups throughout the video in the hopes of producing something wild and wacky. The director’s misguided ambition sort of reminds me of myself that one time when I thought I could win an Oscar if I could direct a movie featuring shots of nothing but peoples’ knees and just loop “I Am The Walrus” through the whole film. This video turned out even worse.
Thrown into this smorgasbord of Yuletide ass is a grumpy old guy who throws a fit because he doesn’t want to be Santa Claus,
a midget elf run amok in the studio,
Santa Claus inexplicably nose-diving into the floor during a take,
the director sweeping the wall with a broom, for some reason, and accidentally hitting the camera,
and the following sequence of events, which I don’t understand at all.
Pretty funny stuff, man! I dig it! Your video is very well-written!
1. N*SYNC – “Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday”
N*SYNC tops the list for letting the fat-faced Italian retard fly around Santa’s sleigh, which happens to rhyme with “gay”.
Whenever I make fun of N*SYNC, I always feel like I should call them N*STINK like Eminem did when he turned MTV into emTV that one week by stuffing Carson Daly in his trunk and driving off the bridge, then somehow surviving so he could make this joke work.
WWell, gotta go, we’re almost at the North Pole now.
Oh shit, I forgot, where are we supposed to send this shit out?
They actually spend most of the video pretending to serve food to dirty homeless people, and since they’re dirty, they must be Mexicans. I swear to God I didn’t Photoshop this.
After a few seconds, they get bored and get rid of those good-for-nothing homeless people so they can hold a freak-dancing Christmas party. This is why God offered the world salvation through Jesus Christ. So that a bunch of douchebags can dance around the couch from SNICK and an incorrectly placed apostrophe.
And, yeah, that’s Gary Coleman standing around in the green suit. Gary Coleman is in this video for absolutely no reason at all. He’s not even featured; he’s just sort of dancing around in a couple of scenes. Making any more fun of this video is a lot like shooting fish in a barrel. But I don’t have a gun, so I’ll go ahead and end this here. That reminds me. John Smith talked me into helping him write a series of comic books. They were about cars with personalities that fought crime. The only problem was, John would get all pissy whenever he thought of violence. I came up with a character (or “car”acter if you will) that had a turret gun mounted on the roof. John got all mad when he saw it, and he got so much drool and snot on it that I didn’t even bother to put it on the refrigerator. Merry Christmas.
-Jon
Jon@progressiveboink.com
AIM: Boiskov