Someone else filling
in for Justin Justin
AIM:
Keasbey Mornings
all.star.me@gmail.com
5. Mandy Moore
Last year's list: #10.
This year I decided my most beautiful women list needed MOORE of Mandy! And then I
decided to write a sentence commenting on that joke!
Best physical attribute: I like that she is near seven feet tall.
She could do a slam dunk shot!
Greatest accomplishment: Making a cover album full of songs she
appreciates from "before her audiences time" so she can expose them to some
great music from the past, instead of using her millions of dollars to just go to the
fucking dollar store and buy her audience 20,000 copies of Elton John's greatest hits.
The downside: She sleeps with Tennis Hunk Stiffler
Andy Roddick. Which means that if she doesn't convert now...she will fall forever.
4. Victoria
Last year's list: #7.
She moved up three spots this year when Gwen Stefani was scared off by Stevie Richards in
drag. FOR LIKE THIRTY WEEKS IN A ROW.
Best physical attribute: Her giant knee braces, because evidently
years of hiptossing and clotheslines take an insurmountable physical toll on your knees.
Greatest accomplishment: Awkwardly dancing with joy over her
decision to remove oversized clothing she's been wearing for the few seconds it takes her
to walk from behind the curtain to the stage.
The downside: SHE AIN'T THE WOMAN TO MESS WITH WHOOOOOOOOOOOP
GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO
3. Elisha Cuthbert
Last year's list: Number
eighteen. I am a lonely woodland recluse and found her company enjoyable enough to
warrant a higher spot on this list. So now I WHOA HEY READER A NUCLEAR BOMB JUST
WENT OFF, YOU SHOULD TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT AND GET INTO BED WITH ME TO PREVENT RADIATION
SICKNESS
Best physical attribute: Her dad is Jack Bauer, American hero and
de-souled killing machine.
Greatest accomplishment: Showing us her bare back and 1/4th the
side of her boob in the film "The Girl Next Door." Hey Elisha, thanks for
going the extra mile for role where you are playing a porn star!
The downside: Choosing to date Kim Bauer
results in imprisonment, amputation, or armlessness.
2. Piper Perabo
Last year's list: #8, for
cracking a coconut across Jimmy Snuka's face.
Best physical attribute: I like the way she wears a kilt.
Moreso than when she's just wearing the little blue underoos and I have to see her pasty
belly flopping around as she hops on one foot to simulate "the brain damage."
Greatest accomplishment: Mentoring her little sister O'Haire
Perabo.
The downside: And other jokes about Rowdy Roddy Piper!
1. Monique Powell
Last year's list: Justin
I actually did and had ready on time.
Best physical attribute: Being in the band "Save Ferris."
Finally I shall have my revenge, Ed Rooney! Ahahahahahah!!!!
Greatest accomplishment: Explaining to me what happened to Ferris
and the Gang.
The downside: She should be in a band fewer people have heard of so
more people I know could like her.