The 100 Most
Beautiful Women.
written by Jon, B, Justin, Mark, Emily, and
Jon Kyle Farnsworth - october 28 - 2003
Jon.
20.
ASHLEY JUDD
Famous for: Her
role as the MILF in Simon Birch.
Earns points for:
Being an extra-nice person. She does blood-drive commercials and stuff. Also,
she’s from here in Kentucky, which means I should favor her for some reason.
Loses points for:
Short hair, though she actually pulls this off pretty well.
19. LAILA ALI
Famous for:
Being a boxing champ and daughter of hometown hero Muhammed Ali
Earns points for:
My knowledge that she actually exists and is not merely a propogation of the
Internet machine. I don’t know if anyone else can say this about anyone on
their list, but I actually got to meet her. I was at work, and she asked if we
had any faceplates for her cell phones, and I said we were out of them, and she
smiled and said thanks anyway.
Loses points for:
She’s intimidatingly huge.
18.
JENNIFER FUCKING LOPEZ
Famous for:
Being her. In Internet webzine circles, it’s cool to hate her with every ounce
of her energy.
Earns points for:
She’s got an awesome body and a pretty face.
Loses points for:
Every aspect of her other than her physical appearance. But come on, bear with
me. Imagine if you were a janitor at a hospital and she was lying on a bed
brain-dead. Don’t tell me that you wouldn’t do stuff to her.
17.
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES
Famous for:
Being married to Michael Douglas so Adam Carolla can make jokes about age
differentials in celebrity couples. Next thing you know you’ll have, like,
Sean Connery going with Katie Holmes. I MEAN, COME ON EVERYBADY
Earns points
for: If one
movie could win it all, she would be in the Top 5 for The Mask of Zorro.
Loses points for:
I sell Sprint, and she pitches my competitor. GET MORE MORE LIKE GET BORE
16.
CHARLIZE THERON
Famous for: I
don’t know, I saw her first in the Legend of Bagger Vance. I sure would love to
bag HER. Vance. Yeah.
Earns points for:
She can look like a modern-day Marilyn Monroe, or some chick from Saved by the
Bell,
or Madonna, and always look beautiful.
Loses points for:
Making physical contact with Mark Wahlberg in The Italian Job. I’m in the
clear, right? It’s okay to hate Mark Wahlberg, right? He hasn’t crossed from
hated has-been to kitch hero yet, has he?
15.
MELISSA STARK
Famous for:
Serving as the eye-candy of Monday Night Football, since they got rid of Dan
Dierdorf.
Earns points for:
The idea of having a woman who you could watch a game with, and who would know
more about what’s going on than you do.
Loses points for:
It isn’t really her fault, but Al Michaels is always hitting on her, and he’s
like 105. That’s just gross.
14.
MYA
Famous for:
Being the first black female singer, ever.
Earns points for:
Some of the prettiest eyes ever. The only Lady Marmalade chick who I could bang
without worrying about my dick rotting off inside her.
Loses points for:
My dick rotting off? God! Gross! I can’t believe I typed that.
13.
ESTELLA WARREN
Famous for: The
non-ape in Planet of the Apes, and probably nothing else.
Earns points for:
Looking like a healthy Angelina Jolie.
Loses points for:
Looking at her last name, it can be safely assumed that she’s already taken by
actor Warren Beatty.
12.
MILA KUNIS
Famous for:
Being the black-haired dumb blonde on the incorrectly apostrophized That 70’s
Show.
Earns points for:
She’s a pure hottie, and it looks like she has one of those names that are
acronymic several times over.
Loses points for:
She was definitely bangable in 1978, but that would make her like at least 40
today. Gross.
11.
SALMA HAYEK
Famous for:
She’s probably had an accomplished career and all, but I always just thought her
name sounded weird.
Earns points for:
Being the hottest Latino woman ever. Shakira has gone blonde and is thereby
disqualified.
Loses points for:
Again, her name. For the longest time I thought her name was “Sal Mahayek”.
And Sal is a guy’s name, I think.
10.
LAURIE DHUE
Famous for:
Serving as anchorwoman on the Fox News Channel. Get it? Fox NEWS
channel. fuck I messed it up
Earns points for:
Being fair and balanced.
Loses points for:
Sometimes she looks like she just finished eating a makeup sandwich.
9.
MONICA BELUCCI
Famous for: The
Matrix, though she has long been an accomplished foreign actor.
Earns points for:
Three words: Persephone.
Loses points for:
Distracting me with her boobs when I should have been following the plot. Ergo,
I have a huge blank where the whole Merovingian part of the story happened.
8.
ALYSSA MILANO
Famous for:
Being Arnold Schwarzenegger’s daughter in Commando. Arnold Schwarzenegger is
now governor. What a funny joke I just made!
Earns points for:
Milano cookies taste fantastic.
Loses points for:
Starring in Double Dragon: The Movie, which I have never seen, but which looks
like the sort of movie I ought to bash. A MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEO GAME!
WHAAAAAA
7.
SHARON LEAL
Famous for: A
member of the perfectly realistic cast of Boston Public.
Earns points for:
Being every fifteen-year-old’s conveniently in-classroom masturbation fantasy.
She smiled when she handed you your paper. I think she likes you.
Loses points
for: A black
supermodel teacher? Named Sharon? I lost half my woody because my penis’
realism discerning mechanism was triggered.
6.
JESSICA ALBA
Famous for:
Being in that FOX show that I never watched.
Earns points for:
Smiling a lot.
Loses points for:
Being airbrushed a lot.
5. FOXY BROWN
Famous for:
I can’t remember a single one of her songs, so it has to be her hotness.
Earns points for:
I don’t know, maybe it’s the name. No, wait, it's the enormous boobs.
Loses points for:
Every once in a while, she makes me lose my stiffy by momentarily reminding me
of Lil’ Kim
4.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Famous for:
Entertaining the fetishes of all those Star Wars nerds by having all that weird
makeup and shit.
Earns points for:
Being of legal age, allowing me to dodge the undesirable pedophilia issue during
my masturbation fantasy.
Loses points for:
The knowledge that she’ll probably never, ever show off her boobs. Goddamn
women and their dignity issues.
3.
BEYONCE KNOWLES
Famous for:
Ditching the ugly half of Destiny’s Child to make a new Destiny’s Child, then
ditching the rest of Destiny’s Child that she had not previously ditched to
start a solo career.
Earns points for:
Having one of the most beautiful faces ever, and one of the best bodies to
match.
Loses points for:
Sometimes, the Afro is cute. Most of the time, it’s really, really ugly.
2.
ANGELINA JOLIE
Famous for:
Posing for RISQUE photo shoots that have her covered in blood, or eating
undercooked meat, or whatever. RISQUE.
Earns points for:
Pulling off the jaded heroin addict look, while still managing to look sexy as
hell.
Loses points for:
Looking like more of a crack addict than a heroin addict in certain pictures.
1.
SHAKIRA
Famous for: The
ability to sing like both a Latina schoolgirl and
Homsar in the same
verse.
Earns points for:
Having the best overall package on the planet.
Loses points for:
Bleaching her hair blonde so she could market herself better to America.
Also, her boobs could be a little bigger. Also, I'm a picky dork of a
bastard who writes lists of hot girls on the Internet.
- Jon
[email protected]
AIM: Boiskov