In case you finish this and were wondering, Thora Birch will move back into the #1 spot when and if she ever looks any good at all anymore.
25. Morgan Webb
Previous list appearances: My #14 in 2004, and our real actual search engine strings every month since then.
Greatest accomplishment: Being the hot girl on the video game channel, causing the people at the video game channel to hire a bunch of other hot girls and make the channel be about hip hop and Star Trek. Showing off as FHM magazine's "Gaming Goddess" and reading the news to people who know what the hell a "vlog" is on the WEBB ALERT, a show so great they almost named it MORGAN GRINDER.
Best physical attribute: Her breasts, followed closely by the "man jaw" that people are always giving her so much shit about. I like it. In fact, I enjoy a lot of inconsequential things about her physically, which may be due to the fact that she comes across as the most "attainable" girl on the list. I mean, if I get really good at Halo she has to notice me, right? Do people still play Halo?
The downside: I do not care about anything she has ever said.
Learn more about Morgan at: Morgan Webb Nude
24. Avril Lavigne
Previous list appearances: #15 on Jt's list. You pronounce it "jut," I think.
Greatest accomplishment: Five #1 hits worldwide, 11 top ten hits, 25 million records sold, and a new album that officially turns her into the Female Justin Timberlake: namely, the girl who makes awful, cardboard music palatable enough for the masses that is too catchy to be condescended on by music snobs, who then rationalize that said music is "not that bad" and use her as an example of how they are not music snobs. Once wrote legibly on her own ass for a Canadian award show.
Best physical attribute:Her surprisingly nice cleavage. Second place: Her weirdo Kirsten Dunst mouth with the vampire teeth.
The downside: Avril became a big star at an early age, which means that by the time she's 30 she'll be brown and have beige lips, and her mouth will always be puckered and stretched to show her front teeth, even when it's closed. Also: Love songs sung from the dragon's point of view.
Learn more about Avril at: Avril Lavigne's 15 Greatest Outfits
23. Regina Spektor
Previous list appearances: I'm only putting her this low on the list because I felt the need to immediately apologize for including Avril.
Greatest accomplishment: Having such a beautiful voice and such an endearing natural charm that she can mess up a hundred great songs by going "boop boop boop boop" or making train noises or whatever and still make me like them all. Getting a video on VH1 for about 20 seconds before it was replaced by a show about stripper prostitutes hurting each others' feelings.
Best physical attribute: That beautiful mouth, and the things that come out of it. Bonus points for being shaped like a real actual girl.
The downside: Might mess up sex by deciding to beatbox in the middle of it. Might ruin dinner by random going "AH AH AH AH AH AH AH" at the very end. And there's a chance she's just the dead Hal Jordan.
Learn more about Regina at: http://www.reginaspektor.com/
22. Katharine Towne
Previous list appearances: who
Greatest accomplishment: wait a minute, who is katharine towne again
Best physical attribute: katharine towne the actress? From that one episode of Buffy?
The downside: nope, still more famous than Katharine Towne
Learn more about this person at:
21. Estella Warren
Previous list appearances: Jon's #13 in 2003, his #8 in 2004. This year she is replaced by "thugs ransacking my home" on his list.
Greatest accomplishment: Turning a career as a Canadian synchronized swimmer (ugh) into a multimedia career that has spanned a decade and included runs as a successful fashion model, television personality, and major motion picture star. Since 1999 she has been a constant reminder of how nice Angelina Jolie would look if she had been hugged a few times as a child.
Best physical attribute: The "big soft pillow lips," as Emily calls them. Kissing her might be like kissing a bean bag chair. As she gets older they seem to get bigger and the rest of her face expands, so she's not quite the doe-eyed sex goddess she was at age 20, but at 28 she's still about as hot as a failed rockstar's girlfriend could possibly be.
The downside: By age 38 her face is going to look like the Peace Frog.
Learn more about Estella at: her homepage
20. Sheri Moon Zombie
Previous list appearances: Emily's #7 in 2003. Was replaced on Emily's 2004 list by a 45 year old 100 pound man with more hair on his face than on his head.
Greatest accomplishment: Marrying Rob Zombie and starring in all of his videos and movies, even the ones that don't require a 37 year old woman to wear torn up loose-fitting jeans and dry hump a skeleton to rockabilly music. Zombie could make a Pixar movie and his wife would be in there, revealing the dark truth behind Buzz Lightyear or some crap.
Best physical attribute: Nothing specific, really. She's just got an intangible coolness thing going on that makes me want to have a series of awkward conversations with her. Like, she's going to know way too much about the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band and alienate me, but damn if I'm not going to let her tell me everything she knows.
The downside: I'm not sure how many showers get taken at the Zombie household, and how many of the ones that ARE taken are taken with water.
Learn more about Sheri at: http://www.sherimoonzombie.net/
19. Jewel Kilcher
Previous list appearances: #4 in 2003, #12 in 2004.
Greatest accomplishment: Selling more than 20 million albums with nothing but an acoustic guitar, a snaggletooth, and lyrics about fat kids at the swimming pool and smaller-than-normal hands. John Rich of country music act Big & Rich says that Jewel is "probably one of the greatest American singer-songwriters we have had." Big & Rich are famous for making a song about how horses will die if you don't have sex with Big & Rich.
Best physical attribute: In 2004 I said I'd put Rita Replusa on the list in place of her if she didn't get naked in the next 12 months. Well, Jewel didn't get naked in those 12 months, but the thing I've noticed since then is how she keeps getting prettier with age. It's weird. She kept getting closer and closer to Fame Whore and peaked with that J-Pop album about the shoplifting cop. She was so close to getting naked (and technically did, but the only thing I've got to show for it is a cowboy looking doofy in the TRL photobooth beside a pixelated tit), but then the arc stopped and she took a step back. She put her clothes back on and went back to yodeling about horseback riding or whatever, and oddly enough, I kinda like it. Like I said, it's weird. It's almost like the desire to see Jewel naked is more important than seeing Jewel naked. The journey being more important than the destination and all. So I'm okay with it, and I'm glad such a beautiful woman has managed to stick around in the music business for over a decade now.
The downside: But I swear to God if she doesn't get naked in the NEXT 12 months I'm putting Aunt Jackie from Roseanne on this list and saying to fuck with it.
Learn more about Jewel at: most of my personal archives
18. Eva Amurri
Previous list appearances: Did not appear.
Greatest accomplishment: Being Susan Sarandon's hot daughter, having nude pictures of herself as a child hanging in the Guggenheim Museum, and giving me something to enjoy whilst Mandy Moore was crashing her car into Jee-sus~! in the film "Saved!"
Best physical attribute: An unbelievable aptitude for insane natural cleavage. And hey, she's Sarandon's daughter, so chances are she's still going to be hot as fire when she's 45.
The downside: Being in a physical relationship with Eva means that you may eventually have to talk to Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, or both Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins at the same time. No woman is worth having to talk to Tim Robbins. Ugh. That guy works overt symbolism about democracy into his bagged lunches.
Learn more about Eva at: http://www.eva-amurri.com/
17. Jordan Ladd
Previous list appearances: Did not appear. Her mother, Charlie Angel Cheryl Ladd, appeared on our 1977 list.
Greatest accomplishment: Doing nude gymnastics and landing split eagle on a guy in Broken Lizard's "Club Dread," a movie that is almost as funny as Super Troopers, but far less wanted. You may also remember her from the first half of "Death Proof," or from her role as some sort of deadly Topanga in Eli Roth's "Cabin Fever."
Best physical attribute: Being within earshot of mid-90s Drew Barrymore and early 2000s Kate Hudson without the baggage of mid-90s Drew Barrymore or early 2000s Kate Hudson "growing up" and turning into mid-now Drew Barrymore or Kate Hudson, who are about as hot and sexy as my housecat.
The downside: Jordan Ladd being friends with Eli Roth means that you'd more than likely have to sit around with him listening to him drone on and on about how cool the bucket of fake blood he had flown in is, when it is in actuality lame and gay and Eli Roth should be packed tightly into the barrel of a cannon and shot headlong into a wall of stomping boots.
Learn more about Jordan at: some other goddamn "unofficial online internet resource" featuring a combined graphic of three different candid shots and some photoshop filters at the top
16. Danica McKellar
Previous list appearances: #2 on my list in 1989, right behind Julie from Growing Pains.
Greatest accomplishment: Having a math theorem named after her, the Chayes-McKellar-Winn Theorem, in mathematical physics. Oh, yeah, and she was also WINNIE COOPER ON THE SHOW THE WONDER YEARS. That makes her one of the most beautiful AND intelligent women in the world, and not the fake kind either, like Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman is all, I'M GREAT AT MATH YOU GUYS, and then she stars in movies about magical toy stores. Hey Nat, if you're so smart, invent a time machine so I can go back in time to when you were 12 and like your acting again.
Best physical attribute: Her brain. Occasionally her braided pigtails and glasses.
The downside: Dated every boy who went to middle school or high school in the 1960s.
Learn more about Winnie at: The Wonder Years: 25 Best Moments
15. Jennie Finch
Previous list appearances: My #9 in 2004.
Greatest accomplishment: Winning a gold medal at the 2004 Summer Olympics and being the most famous softball pitcher in history. This is due in part to her being very good at pitching a softball, but mostly because she is built like Dan and Dave made a hot lady Mecha Shiva.
Best physical attribute: Her torso. Jennie manages the ripped girl-athlete look without sacrificing the things that make soft ladies attractive. So she looks like Jennie Finch, enormous hot girl, instead of looking like Gabrille Reece, who may or may not have been someone's knotted up thigh.
The downside: Two big ones: One, she is a devout Christian, which, well, isn't much fun for anyone. Two, she is married to Arizona Diamondbacks shit minor leaguer Casey Daigle, which is the athletic aesthetic equivalent of Maria Sharapova being married to the fat guy from "Balls of Fury."
Learn more about Jennie at: Jennie and Jim
14. Nora Zehetner
Previous list appearances: She looks like one of Audrey Tautou's arms, if that counts.
Greatest accomplishment: Starring in the most psychologically unstable tampon commercial of all time. A girl really needs a tampon, but if she crosses the hall and goes into the bathroom to get one, she will disrupt her roommate in the living room getting it on with her assumed significant other. Not wanting to be uncouth but desperately needing to deal with the vaginal waste rapidly expunging from her nethers, Nora skateboards (!) on her belly across the hall, retrieves the tampon, skateboards back, and then sits around laughing about it. And that's why we'll never have a female president.
Best physical attribute: Looking like a pixie. I don't normally like pixie-looking girls, but she's SO pixie looking that I can't help it. She's like two blinks away from being a stuffed animal.
The downside: Co-starred in the movie "Brick," a modern film noir built around several teenagers who speak in random nouns and verbs and expect us to know what the fuck they're talking about.
Learn more about Nora at: http://www.nora-zehetner.com/
13. Kristen Kreuk
Previous list appearances: Justin's #3 in 2003, one of the girls Justin called but could not find the time to write about on time in 2004
Greatest accomplishment:Wearing a plaid skirt and a wifebeater while dancing on stage with Neo-Nazi Matt Damon in "Eurotrip." Still holding on to her Smallville fame after over 40 seasons on the show. Seriously, guys, let it go. Today Clark meets Bat Lash, who we've turned into a 14 year old hacker on a motorcycle. No, just let it go.
Best physical attribute: Proving that mixing "Dutch" with "Chinese" is the genetic way to master race perfection. Put your pee-pee in a dyke, see what happens.
The downside: Okay, how about this one: We've figured out a way to work Granny Goodness onto the show. Instead of running the planet Apokolips's 'orphanages' where the military are trained in brutal fashion, she is a manipulative politician who causes a mining disaster in a story ripped from the headlines, and Clark wants to help the miners but he can't because Lex and Lex's father and Lex's new evil Dark Uncle have caused a kryptonite rainstorm using the money bin full of kryptonite they have obtained to change the weather!
Learn more about Kristen at: http://www.kristinkreuk.net/ or a joke
12. Asia Argento
Previous list appearances: #3 in 2003, #8 in 2004. She moved down for having a blonde pixie cut and muddling through a West Virginia accent, and for making Zack and Cody of the Tipton Hotel dress up like girls.
Greatest accomplishment: Being the daughter of Italian Horror movie kingfish Dario Argento; being the coolest girl alive by about a fucking yard. Has a big tattoo of an angel between her navel and her vagina. Smoking cigarettes, riding around on a moped, saying ciao.
Best physical attribute: Her butt. Her butt is great. Her butt is cornbread. Nothing wrong with that.
The downside: Asia (pronounced "ah-SHEE-ah," not like the continent or the band) was once engaged to Vincent Gallo. Then she was engaged to Henry from Dawson's Creek. This could be indicative of a poor selection process for potential mates. Sure wish I was a dopey faced heroin addict, you guys!
Learn more about Asia at: Asia Argento: Coolest Women Alive
11. Nellie McKay
Previous list appearances: My #4 in 2004, and one of the few people on my list who makes it so high based on how much I like them as a person and performer. If this was a list of celebrities I wanted to date and marry and make children amongst, Nellie would be my #1.
Greatest accomplishment: Meeting famed author B. Thompson Stroud backstage at the Mountain Stage in Charleston, West Virginia. Having a fairly successful debut album, forsaking a successful second album because of conflicts with her record company, and then going off to be in a play with Alan Cumming because that's the logical thought process of a crazy nutso savant. She also writes for The Onion. So I mean, Jesus.
Best physical attribute: As I said before, her fingers. Having met her in person I can actually SEE the talent trying to break out of her skin and come alive. She's always kind of fidgeting, like she's making a specific point to not ignore you in favor of busting out a sonata.
The downside: She might be a bit too loopy to sustain any kind of formal career. Hopefully all the famous people who like her will keep her moving forward, like Cumming and Cyndi Lauper. I'm totally putting her in every movie I make, every book I write, and every mix tape I can swing.
Learn more about Nellie at: http://www.nelliemckay.org/
10. Melina Perez
Previous list appearances: I couldn't get through this without putting up SOMEBODY from wrestling, could I? Next year is going to be full of independent promotion girls, and then it's just Japanese girls from the seventies until I die.
Greatest accomplishment: Being WWE Womens Champion! I'm just kidding, her greatest accomplishment is doing a split on the ring apron every time she enters the ring. Everybody has been Womens Champion. Dudes have been Womens Champion. I've been Womens Champion like four times.
Best physical attribute: Can I type "the crack of her ass" in a more literate and respectable way than just saying "the crack of her ass?" Okay, everything from her kneecap up to the small of her back. That whole leg-to-crack muscle ratio is off the charts. If you made it down there you'd have to wear a football helmet.
The downside: Without the makeup, funny hair, and massive cartoon implants, she's basically a janitor.
Learn more about Melina at: WWE.com, I guess!
9. Scarlett Johansson
Previous list appearances: My #2 in 2003, Emily's #11 in 2004. Scarlett is one of the more predictable people you'll find on our list of beautiful women. Jessica Biel might have a shot at making it if she hadn't made her nose look like Michael Jackson's.
Greatest accomplishment: Starring in hit films that guys on the Internet hate, like "Ghost World," "Lost in Translation," and "Scoop." Okay, everybody hated "Scoop." Greatly accomplished at topping or ranking high on every list of beautiful women made in the last 3 years.
Best physical attribute: I will let mr_anonymous1 of the Internet Movie Database messageboards explain:
"Nice full bosom, pretty blue eyes, big juicy red lips, and she has an overall elegance about her that not many young actresses have. Sure she may be slightly retarded and sounds like a man, and isn't all that great of an actress, but in the looks department she is definitely above average. It's how she is able to get all of the good roles, well that and being very good at blowing the casting directors and producers."
The downside: Having to explain why you think she's attractive to the people who are tired of her hype and "JUST DONT GET IT~!" IS IT JUST MEEE OR IS SCARJO NOT REALLY THAT HOT?? IS IT JUST MEEEE validate me validate me validate me. Yes, it's just you. Now shut up and get back to masturbating to Rachel Ray, you troglodyte.
Learn more about Scarlett at: every magazine
8. Kat Dennings
Previous list appearances: Did not appear. Pretend she was Michelle Branch, before Michelle Branch filled up with water and got covered in flash tattoos.
Greatest accomplishment: Starring as Catherine Keener's daughter in "The 40 Year Old Virgin." More accurately, that scene where she's supposed to have locked herself in the bathroom, and she opens the door to yell at her mom and she's wearing that top and I'm like, wo. Also famous for (actually) being "too hot for TV." Her teen orgy scene in an episode of "Without a Trace" lead to the FCC fining CBS over three million dollars.
Best physical attribute: Her skin. She makes Anne Hathaway look like Manute Bol.
The downside: Having sex with her and more than one Mexican teen may result in a severe monetary loss.
Learn more about Kat at: Her awesome weblog.
7. Adriana Lima
Previous list appearances: Various Dugouts, both starring in and in reference to.
Greatest accomplishment:Being the world's most beautiful underworn Brazilian supermodel virgin. Somehow turning thrift store angel wings and a 45 dollar pair of rhinestone panties with cats on them into something more artistic and desirable than the Sears catalog. Being the first two words of the first professionally recorded song I've ever written.
Best physical attribute: Having the sense to realize she didn't need the breast implants she'd thrown in to make her more successful at a job she was already more successful at than anybody else. Also, there's something sensual about her teeth, and I swear to God that to me, that is the creepiest thing I've ever let myself write. She might be the only person in the world I'd let tooth me during a blowjob. Oh God, stop writing please, you'
The downside: Probably not a virgin. Probably not that tan in real life. Probably wearing hair extensions and colored contact lenses. You know what, she's probably just an impoverished child from one of the dirt countries.
Learn more about Adriana at: http://adrianalimafan.net/
6. Katharine McPhee
Previous list appearances: She ranked behind a sauntering old grey haired man going WOO on last year's list.
Greatest accomplishment: Finishing in second place on the most popular season of American Idol ever, but not feeling too bad about it because she already lived in Hollywood, was already rich, and is one of the most beautiful women walking the planet Earth. Oh no, the singing contest!
Best physical attribute: The world famous Katharine McPhee Don't-Vote-Me-Off Yellow Dress of Doom, which is 10% bright yellow fabric and 85% toned ass hot as fuck. The remaining 5% is for purposefully mismatched and exposed tighty whitey panties. Like she didn't show us those on purpose. It was the most on purpose thing ever. Porpoises aren't even that on purpose.
The downside: I doubt she'll ever date anyone who isn't an heir, a record producer, or a balding European man in his fifties.
Learn more about Katharine at: http://www.katharine-mcphee.net/
5. Keiko Kitagawa
Previous list appearances: Did not appear, but represents the 24 other Japanese teen girls who made this list in spirit. I didn't want you to think I was a weirdo.
Greatest accomplishment: Using MAAAAAZU STAAAAAAH POWAAAAAAAH to transform into a school girl outfit and shoot fireballs at big foam monsters from the Power Rangers studio closet in "Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon," the live action Japanese television show based on the magical girl manga. Starring in about 3 seconds of "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift," more affectionately known as 3 Fast 3 Furious.
Best physical attribute: Being really pretty and super Japanese without being the same kind of boring pretty that every girl on television in Japan is. Having a really goofy, endearing smile.
The downside: It's like dating the Aeris girl. Your girlfriend is into cosplay. Yeah, she's really attractive, but she's INTO COSPLAY. One wrong childbirth and you're shacked up with the dumpy chick in the Ulala wig.
Learn more about Keiko at: Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon
4. Dulce Maria
Previous list appearances: Did not appear, because I was living in Virginia and didn't have cultural luxuries like television channels in Spanish.
Greatest accomplishment: Starring in a teen telenovela and singing with a Mexican version of S Club 7. Voted sexiest woman in Mexico in 2006. Voted "look how hot she is, no, seriously" in the Brandon Points to the Back of the DVD and Shows Lindy Things at Best Buy Awards.
Best physical attribute:Her hair, which is the color of American Dragon Bryan Danielson's tights.
The downside: I'm still pretty fluent in Spanish and I love and appreciate many aspects of Hispanic culture, but I swear to God, real people in Mexico speaking Spanish still sound like they're speaking Spanish in Spanish class. It sounds so unnatural to me. She could be in bed whispering sweet nothings and all I could do in return is look her in the eye and shout "RAQUEL RODRIGUEZ ES UNA ABOGADA DE LOS ANGELES." Then we would make vegetable faces.
Learn more about Dulce Maria at: OCITOOOOO, OCITOOOOO
3. Anne Hathaway
Previous list appearances: My #3 in 2004.
Greatest accomplishment: Having her legions of Princess Diaries fans abandon her when they found out she was showing her boobs in the movie "Havoc" and ramble on about how she had betrayed them and how her career was over on message boards for months. Immediately after taking her clothes off, Hathaway got lead roles in best picture nominee "Brokeback Mountain" and "The Devil Wears Prada," which grossed over a hundred million dollars. She is now richer and more famous, and those legions on the message boards are still exactly where they were, only now they're flipping trou about Ashley Tisdale's nipple falling out of her shirt.
Best physical attribute: Anne Hathaway does for red lipstick what Prometheus did for heating shit up.
The downside: Still might technically be the worst actress in the entire world.
Learn more about Anne at: http://www.annehathawayfan.com/
2. Diora Baird
Previous list appearances: Did not appear, but holy shit, if she had, she would've ranked in, like, negative numbers. And I mean that in a good way.
Greatest accomplishment: Her breakthrough performance as "the girl with the unbelievable rack" from the good five minutes of "The Wedding Crashers," right at the beginning. If you haven't seen the movie, the remaining 85 minutes are Vince Vaughn grabbing his dick and collapsing while Owen Wilson says things like "HUNTING, HOW CAN WE BE HUNTING, THISH DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSH, DICK CHENEY AM I RIGHT YOU GUYSH"
Best physical attribute: Her elbows. Diora Baird looks like she stumbled out of Mondo Topless for Christs sakes, she is fifty fifty where it counts. But enough of this palaver! Let's get the show on the road!
The downside: I'm not convinced she can walk around on her own power, what with that illicit personal gravity, so she might be kind of a hassle.
Learn more about Diora at: Her Internet Movie Database page, which is a good internet page for some informations
1. Zooey Deschanel
Previous list appearances: My #2 in 2004.
Greatest accomplishment:Co-starring in great movies like Elf, Almost Famous, and All the Real Girls. Co-starring in fart plop like Mumford, The New Guy, and Failure to Launch. Soon to be seen starring without the co in "The Gospel According to Janis," the Janis Joplin biopic where they try to convince us that the most universally accepted pretty girl in Hollywood has "come to life" as Milton Berle's sexy sister from the sixties. I imagine it will involve Zooey smoking cigarettes while wearing lots of bangs and beads.
Best physical attribute: Her eyes. For once I will look at a girl and say her best physical attribute is "her eyes," and really mean it. She also has a beautiful everything else ever. This list is really just the 24 girls who are closest to Zooey. Not even a contest.
The downside: Trying not to reiterate how much prettier she is than her sister Emily every time I speak to her, while simultaneously avoiding any off-color jokes about "bones."
Learn more about Zooey at: http://zooey-deschanel.us/
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