Nick
AIM:
Water and Coffee
ndall@vt.edu
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15. Paris Hilton
Last year's list: Not found.
This is probably due to the fact that she had not yet been subjected to the internet.
Best physical attribute: Body. She’s slender and leans either
to one side or the other at most points in time. HOTTT.
Greatest accomplishment: Picking up a cell phone in the middle of
sexual intercourse.
The downside: That ugly fucking tumor on her side. OH WAIT,
THAT’S HER UGLY FUCKING SISTER ON HER SIDE.
14. Kelly Ripa
Last year's list: Not found,
as she was pregnant last year. NICK DOES NOT ROLL WITH PREG-Os!
Best physical attribute: Her entire face or the particulars
of her face. They sound gross when you actually say them, but things like teeth and shit
are nice. Her hair’s pretty, too.
Greatest accomplishment: Killing Kathy Lee and taking over her
position felating Regis.
The downside: HELL NO, PREG-O.
13. Tailor James
Last year's list: Not Found.
Cartoon wives are out, porn is in.
Best physical attribute: Bazoombas.
Greatest accomplishment: Like I know a single thing that she’s
done that I can in good conscience type out for all my faithful readers to hate me with.
The downside: ...wait, what?
12. Jennifer Love Hewitt
Last year's list: #6. She
loses points for not doing a goddamn thing.
Best physical attribute: It really does vary from picture to
picture. Some it’s her face and others it’s her budonkadonk. Really can’t
make a thorough definition here.
Greatest accomplishment: Being slipped a Ruffie by Quagmire.
Cartoon ladies are back.
The downside: Though her positives vary
from picture to picture, so do her negatives. That first picture there looks like she got
hit in the face by a shark with it’s mouth open and teeth facing her general
vicinity.
11. Anna Kournikova
Last year's list: #7. Just be
thankful I didn’t put Serena on here.
Best physical attribute: The wedgie holder.
Greatest accomplishment: Record number of wedgies picked in a
regulation match.
The downside: Stinky fingers.
10. Xtina Aguilera
Last year's list: #2. She
gets bumped back for sleeping with every male except me.
Best physical attribute: Body. Flagpole++.
Greatest accomplishment: Coercing Britney Spears into showing her nickel
trap.
The downside: Her hair. That and the fact
that you contract several VD’s when you shake her hand. Assuming you then use that
hand to masturbate afterwords.
9. Genelle Frenoy
Last year's list: Not found.
Turns out I didn’t know what Maxim was last year. Who’d a thunk.
Best physical attribute: Again, body. I don’t even know why we have
this category in the description, I think the pictures pretty much speak for themselves. I
guess it gives me an excuse to say “Tater Tots” or “Dingawingos”,
though.
Greatest accomplishment: Having the green fairy sit on her
shoulder.
The downside: She has that type of face
that says “Oh god, I just murdered my entire family”. Eh, take the good with the
bad.
8. Jordan
Last year's list: Not Found.
Old ladies starring in sitcoms are out. Porn is in.
Best physical attribute: Brain mass.
Greatest accomplishment: Dunking from the top of the key.
The downside: Searching on the internet
and getting eighty-million results of the wizards.
7. Jennifer Aniston
Last year's list: #4. She was
pretty hott in “Along Came Polly”, but she’s getting up there.
Best physical attribute: Face or butt.
Greatest accomplishment: Uh, Rolling Stone covers?
The downside: Hosted the worst episode of
SNL ever. Even worse than Charles Barkley. At least he had Nirvana as the musical guest.
6. Ali Landry
Last year's list: #5
Best physical attribute: Roto-toters.
Greatest accomplishment: Still 3-D Doritos.
The downside: I'm not allowed to eat junk food. ?
5. Jenna Jameson
Last year's list: Not found.
PORN IS GOOD NOW.
Best physical attribute: Fingernails.
Greatest accomplishment: The biggest porn star ever. IF YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
The downside: Can't have too many more miles in the ol' girl.
4. Cameron Diaz
Last year's list: #3
Best physical attribute: Legs.
Greatest accomplishment: Keeping her dominatrix-style college porn
tape a secret for many years.
The downside: Shrek was stupid.
3. Pamela Anderson
Last year's list: Not Found.
She was too busy studying for her masters.
Best physical attribute: Herabadabas.
Greatest accomplishment: Nailing that 3-sylable word on Baywatch.
The downside: You have to realize that you
could never satisfy this kind of woman. That’s shitty. She was also everyone’s
favorite lady back in like 3rd grade, so it kinda takes away from her dignity. Being a
pedophile. Y’know.
2. Sarah Michelle Gellar
Last year's list: #1. Your
reign is over, bimbo.
Best physical attribute: Cuteness.
Greatest accomplishment: Getting a sitcom on the Warner Bros.
network...
The downside: (whisper) maybe she's born with it
MAYBE IT'S MAYBELLINE
1. Helen of Troy
Last year's list: Not found.
Best physical attribute: Everything. She is perfect.
Greatest accomplishment: Being named the most beautiful woman ever
to live.
The downside: She’s a cheater. GET ‘EM, ACHILLES.
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