emily
AIM:
Roxymoron87
imsophiapetrillo@yahoo.com
PREVIOUS WRITER :: NEXT WRITER
15. Maggie Cheung
Last year's list: A
non-entity. Holding up the now two-year tradition of putting whatever random Asian
woman has recently turned my crank at number 15, I found Maggie playing the assassin
Flying Snow in the martial arts film-cum-color wheel experiment, "Hero."
Best physical attribute: Her swift sword. Also, her perfectly
round and lovely face.
Greatest accomplishment: I believe that Maggie's a fairly
big name in her native Hong Kong. But I'm fairly clueless in that regard. Still, the
red kimono, with the hair and the eyeliner and the TROINLAVEN!! . . . yowza.
The downside: I really need to get over my tendency to put women I
love as characters on my list. Fantasizing about a gal who insists on
wearing 200 yards of fabric in a color most closely matching the whatever scenery she's
currently in just isn't practical.
14. Gina Gershon
Last year's list: Last year,
Gina was former staff member Mark's number one chica. Since he's now off fighting
terrorist space monkeys or something, I swiped her.
Best physical attribute: It's an over used answer, but her mouth.
Her lips make me think of dirty, pretty things.
Greatest accomplishment: Everyone's favorite butch lesbian, Gina
gained our attention in "Showgirls," held our attention in, "Bound,"
and is most famous for being video-cheated on by Lenny Kravitz. Which actually makes for a
strange trend on my list.
The downside: She's still super foxy, but the older she gets the
more her bee stung lips just look like a fish face.
13. Keri Russell
Last year's list: My list,
number six.
Best physical attribute: I know I harp on it, but the curly hair.
It's like, goddess hair. Plus, if we're being honest, from the neck down she's built
like a curtain rod.
Greatest accomplishment: Felicity. But she sticks in my mind
for a one episode guest spot on "Boy Meets World," where she played Mr. Feeny's
niece. She had the ultimate, Hair Force 1 going on, and managed to remain hot while
rockin' a serious case of Mom Jeans.
The downside: She at some point needs to crawl out from the cave
she's been in for the last couple of years, or I might have to exclude her next time
around.
12. Stacy Ferguson
Last year's list: There were
no wild orchids on last year's list.
Best physical attribute: Her 12 year-old gay boy ass.
Greatest accomplishment: You can't help but feel kind of bad for
the Black Eyed Peas. A few years ago they put out an album, it's critically acclaimed,
buzz-worthy even, but nobody really pays any attention. Then some record exec gets the
idea that they should make dumbed down pop songs about, "what's wrong with the world
(mama)," and add a white chick to the group so she can stand on stage and yell into a
microphone. They get huge. Then again, half the pictures you find of the BEP are the
guys just hanging out and pointing to Fergie's ass, so I don't think they're too worried
about their credibility.
The downside: When searching for pictures it's easy to get Stacy
Ferguson confused with Sara Ferguson, and wind up with images not of "Fergie,"
but rather "Yorkie."
11. Scarlett Johansson
Last year's list: B's number
two. He booted her for having one hit movie and transforming into Nicole Fucking Richie.
Best physical attribute: Again, it's all about the mouth.
There's nothing more attractive than big soft pillow lips.
Greatest accomplishment: Taking an underwear-driven tour of Japan
in, 'Lost in Translation." Then trying to nail every 30+ actor in Hollywood.
The downside: Her upcoming projects include, "Mission
Impossible 3" and "Woody Allen Summer Project." She can be as sex-crazed
and 19 as she wants, but I won't abide by a lousy filmography.
10. Mia Tyler
Last year's list: Last year
Sophie Dahl got my plus-sized model push. But she had to go and get all skinny. So this
year I gave it to Mia. And if she goes and loses weight after this, I'm giving up and
pushing Randy Orton.
Best physical attribute: Her full figure. Because despite what certain 18
year old Hokie staff members might say, no one fucks better than a big girl.
Greatest accomplishment: Being the Steven Tyler progeny who didn't look
like her hair had been styled by Edward Scissorhands at last year's Oscars.
The downside: Despite being a famous model, I can tell you from
experience that if you ever get her naked she's wearing an old lady bra from Wal-Mart.
They just don't sell nice ones in our size. :(
9. Salma Hayek
Last year's list: Jon's list,
number 11. Since he insisted on keeping both Beyonce and Shakira, I kicked him in the shin
until he gave up Salma.
Best physical attribute: I hate to sound misogynist or like I don't
respect my gender, but her boobs are really nice, yo.
Greatest accomplishment: Award-winning bi-sexual artist portrayals
are nice, but for my money she'll never top the snake dance from "From Dusk 'Till
Dawn." Sometimes I worry that I'm too much of a dude.
The downside: Not having Edward Norton around to run her life, you
have to worry about the future state of her career.
8. Maggie Gyllenhaal
Last year's list: Was off
wallowing in obscurity somewhere.
Best physical attribute: Her oddly chubby cheeks. The girl is
almost entirely right angles, and yet she's got a face as round as that dude from the band
Keane. I love it.
Greatest accomplishment: Existing in the film, "Mona Lisa
Smile" and not making me want to throw forks at her.
The downside: Sometimes it's creepy how much she looks like her
brother Jake Gyllenhaal and Kirsten Dunst mated and gave birth to a fully developed
twenty-something woman.
7. Chiaki Kuriyama
Last year's list: My list,
number 15. Was moved up this time around simply because I found more pictures of
her, and because Gogo remains a super hottie.
Best physical attribute: Oddly enough, her hair. Almost every
Japanese girl alive is rockin' the a-symmetrical shag cut these days. To have long,
pin-straight hair and bangs is such an anomaly that it almost seems signature.
Greatest accomplishment: Giving Quentin Tarantino enough of a boner
that he almost put her name before Uma's in the "Kill Bill" credits.
The downside: She can't stay on my list just because she's Gogo
forever.
. . . who am I kidding? Yes she can.
6. Lisa Bonet
Last year's list: Number five
on my list. She got bumped this year both because of Charisma Carpenter's Playboy
spread, and because everyone makes fun of me for my undying devotion to Denise Huxtable.
Best physical attribute: Lisa is a Lays potato chip, but I suppose
I'll go with her hair, which is the neo-hippie, yoga enthusiast Earth mother equivalent of
Keri Russell's hair.
Greatest accomplishment: The fact that she's done next to nothing since
1991, yet she remains on my list. 'Cause like, you don't see Sabrina Le Beauf on
anyone's hottie list.
The downside: It's hard to like someone who is publicly mean to
Bill Cosby.
5. Charisma Carpenter
Last year's list: My list,
number nine. Again, moved because she sold out and did a "please keep liking me"
in a men's mag. So it obviously worked.
Best physical attribute: This is a cop-out, but the whole package.
Charisma Carpenter is maybe the most perfect human being every created.
Greatest accomplishment: Her unending crusade to feed the hungry.
Just kidding. Her nice ass.
The downside: What are the odds of us ever seeing her in anything
but 3 a.m. Cinemax movies ever again?
4. Audrey Tautou
Last year's list: Right here.
Best physical attribute: Her deceptively hot figure. She's so
Amelie, that we tend to just think of her as adorable pixie girl. But really, her
body's like wo. Also, I'm a shithead for quoting that damn song.
Greatest accomplishment: Finding a nice Foreign Girl balance
between Penelope Cruz and Franke Potente.
The downside: Frankly, I just wish she were in more projects I
could find around here.
3. Jennifer Connelly
Last year's list: One slot
higher on my list. She and Kate got switched because "House of Sand and
Fog"<"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."
Best physical attribute: Her eyes. They kind of make me want to
write sonnets.
Greatest accomplishment: Inventing the Abbotts. But if she
was going through all that trouble to invent the Abbott, she should've at least had the
foresight to give him two hands.
The downside: Hasn't eaten for the last six years.
2. Kate Winslet
Last year's list: Number
three on my list last year. Tangerine won her a slightly higher spot.
Best physical attribute: The dead, icy corpse of Leonardo DiCaprio.
Greatest accomplishment: Has continued to eat for the last six
years.
The downside: Every passing day brings her closer to the reality
that she is becoming Emma Thompson.
1. Drew Barrymore
Last year's list: Number one,
two years running. It's going to take a lot for mid-90's Drew to get knocked off the top
of the mountain.
Best physical attribute: Her hair, the color and style of which
tend to define whether or not she's hot. Which is why I'm still holding onto my
"Batman Forever" crush, yet have no desire to nail Poison Ivy.
Greatest accomplishment: Having on-screen sex with Chris O'Donnell,
but still making it hot enough that I could maintain girl wood for like a decade.
The downside: The fact she went from being a hardcore vegan who
believes everything has a soul, to jumping on the Atkins bandwagon so she wouldn't look
chunky next to Lucy Liu.
PREVIOUS WRITER
:: NEXT
WRITER