Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon
/un!
written by B on January 24, 2026

From:  so and so To:  b@progressiveboink.com Subject:  boy u a trip Date:  1-21-06 12:22 PM --- i read your website about organ trail [editor's note: People who have a problem with an article on the site always think that article is the entire site] and i have to say i am a christian man and do not judge people but you are pathetic and should get hit by a bus.  the creators of organ trail are all successful businessmen and woman what are you 45 years old fat curmudgeonly eating raymond noodles out of a dixie cup.  they do great work if you can do any better i'd like to see you try.

This usually gets me thinking, "What's wrong with Ramen noodles?  Everybody loves Ramen noodles."  Then I begin to question my abilities as a writer and pedestrian.  I feel like the Internet's Jerry Maguire, trying to explain to my audience that their reading comprehension is stronger than all five Power Rangers and getting a "fuck you" in response.  Do I need to write up a mission statement explaining why I choose to deconstruct rather than build?  Why can't I let some dumb shit just slide?  Am I REALLY "Mr. Black People?"

This time I chose to be constructive.  I would take the criticism ("your gay"), find out why it was given to me (they're gay), and work to change my practices and point of view.  Sometimes at Progressive Boink we like to stick our index and middle fingers in the butthole of popular culture and move them around long enough to widen the orifice enough for penetration.  We like to just cram that turd against the wall.  So I thought I'd review some of our previous topics and instead of assigning them grotesque sexual metaphor think of ways to improve them.  I chose three subjects.

    1)    Buffy the Vampire Slayer
    2)    Sailor Moon
    3)    Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers

"Buffy" is (believe or not) probably the easiest target on the list because of its Gothic constituent.  I have long been a supporter of Goth culture and lifestyle because I really enjoy having sex with busty girls with low self-esteem.  I think that your mall Goth's sneer of, "nyaaah don't tell me what to be!" is just as passé as the non-Goth who points out that Goths try to be different by looking like every other person trying to be different, but I also recognize the irony of how THAT statement is trite and generalized and shared by everyone who feels it necessary to comment on Goths.  But by recognizing their hypocrisy I expose my own, and eventually Barry Allen comes running around the corner and we're suddenly boned by the Anti-Monitor.

I think the best way to improve "Buffy" as a show would be to never have it lose the sincerity it showcased in the first few seasons.  The characters had not yet become their excessively three-dimensional seventh-season counterparts so you could look at them and say "she's nice" or "he's well-meaning" without associating the murder, rape, or petty theft they all eventually performed.  I would return the show to its roots, back when the biggest antagonist was a giant praying mantis puppet.  When you're a show about a blonde teen cheerleader shooting demons with a bazooka the last thing you want to do is take yourself too seriously.  In the last four seasons it felt like I was reading the God forsaking Ramayana.

If you get in tune with Sailor Moon you find that it has got the boom anime babes to make me think the wrong thing.  That's my problem.  I don't think the wrong thing, nor do I enjoy the "guilty pleasure" of doing so.  I don't think cartoons are "hot."  I never have.  Cartoons are like professional wrestling to me.  I like sexy women and I like wrestling, but I hate it when sexy women are on wrestling.  I like cartoons, but I hate it when they feature sexy women.  My improvement to Sailor Moon would be to pants them (as in "put pants on them") or make them real people.  I can get behind a cute Japanese girl, even if years of watching Joshi have warped my preferences.  I like my Japanese women like I like my pissed-off manure couriers:  screaming while piledriving.

The Power Rangers relates to that, in that they succeeded in making me like the Pink Ranger by having her be a real girl doing splits in spandex.  Amy Jo Johnson picked up where Winnie Cooper left off, ushering my generation into manhood.  The best suggestion I could have for improving the show would be to give new meaning to the term "Juice Bar" by making every character Amy Jo Johnson.  All of them, even Bulk and Skull.  I want Goldar spreading vag on the balance beam.

Taking those things into consideration, how would I make my own television show?  As a 45 year old man here in my parents' basement do I have the tools to build up my ideas from the ground floor?  Surely I'd rather be eating Cheetos brand cheese puffs and watching Star Wars brand movies.  Learning from my mistakes it would have to be an action/adventure show that doesn't take itself too seriously and spotlights a group of real, attractive teen girls doing

Oh, that was quick.

I can say without hyperbole that "Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon," the live-action show from Japan, ranks among modern man's greatest achievements.Imagine the sixties Batman show as acted out by very earnest teenage Japanese girls. For example, Vincent Price creeps into the room in his skull cap and threatens to tie Batman and Robin to, I don't know, a giant compass and protractor in a fiendish attempt to rend asunder the Caped Crusader. Batman and Robin (both 16 years old and wearing schoolgirl outfits) begin to cry and talk to each other about how much their friendship means until fireworks start shooting off everywhere and Egghead blows up. Then Batman and Robin do karaoke. That's Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon in a nutshell, pending your ability to disconnect Batman from Badtz Maru.

I have been talking about this show incessantly since I discovered some cute Japanese girls in Sailor Scout outfits animatedly giffing various things on "You're the Man Now Dog" dot com. My experience with that site is like everyone else's. Back when it was just a picture of Sean Connery pointing and a soundbite of YOU'RE THE MAN NOW DOG from "Finding Forrester" on loop I thought it was bizarre and hilarious. Now it's a breeding ground for... it's a place where people who like... it's... Okay, have you ever thought using the word "teh" in any context was funny? You'll like this site. That's what I'm trying to say.

I don't know what divine force prompted me to click the SAILOR MOON MEETS THE BURGER KING WHILE CAPTAIN PICARD RAPS ABOUT WARCRAFT link. Maybe I wanted to have a poorly recorded thing scream at me from my computer speakers unexpectedly. Maybe I wanted to go AAAAAAAAAH and fall backwards in my chair as LEEEROOOOOOOOOOY NJANKINNNSSSSS bursts my eardrums and drowns me sideways in a flood of my own ear intestine. But I did, and inside I found what I assumed to be hellafied gangsta cosplay. I was wrong.

Actually, I was right. To say that this show isn't basically cosplay is to kid one's self so severely that one becomes an adolescent Bruce Willis almost immediately. From the looks of things a TV producer went to the store and bought everything Sailor Moon-related he could find; costumes, weapons, soundtrack MDs, plushies, the works. Then he rounded up every teenage girl in Japan who could sing (which is every teenage girl in Japan), weeded out about a grand of them, handed them copies of the Manga, and started filming. And you know what? IT'S EXCELLENT.

I picked up the first forty-some episodes on a DVD boxed set for my birthday this year, and have been standing in front of my television staring at the screen in a way not touched since Spider-Man was teaching me how to say cuh, at, cat on the Electric Company when I was one year old. It's mind-bending. It hangs out with Cobra Commander. I tried ordering some of the original soundtrack MDs over ebay but they never showed up, and Neil Patrick Harris stood outside of my house for like two weeks.

As an aside, "Dr. Mindbender" has got to be the greatest henchman name of all-time. Skeletor had henchmen like "Man-E-Faces" and "Trapjaw." Guys like that used to mow my lawn when I lived in Florida. Teenage Cobra Commander, back when he ONCE WAS A MANNNN, must've sat down during P.E. and listed off all the badass aliases he could think of, because shit, his name was "Cobra Commander." He was either going to lead a terrorist organization bent on world domination or he was going to sit in front of a basket and play the clarinet.

I feel the most sorry for The Baroness. The Baroness? What kind of name is that? "Okay everybody, listen up. I am COBRA COMMANDER. I COMMAND COBRAS. They will spring forth and BITE YOU TO FUCK. My second is DESTRO. His face is made of FUCKING METAL and he will SHOOT YOU TO DEATH. Over there is DR. MINDBENDER and the DREADNAUGHTS. And this lovely lady is THE BARONESS! She doesn't have a name so we're going to identify her by her social standing."

The protagonist of G.I. Joe is Usagi Tsukino, a 14(ish) year old girl with the clothes and mentality of a six year old who may or may not end up destroying the world. "Tsukino" is Japanese for "of the Moon," giving her that "Professor Lupin" style of character subtlety you expect from great works of literature. "Usagi" is, of course, Japanese for "how Captain Crunch identifies his enemies."

Sailor Moon's original goal in the series is to find and protect the Moon Princess, the mystic orbital royalty from a past life whose forbidden love with the Prince of Earth and ability to sandwich marshmallow between loaves of chocolate brought chaos to both kingdoms. Usagi and her talking cat Luna (the person you look to if you want to fight Reptile) must find and assemble the "Sailor Senshi." These elemental warriors/teenagers with attitude can unleash the devastating fire, water, and electricity attacks necessary to defeat the series' many generic foam monsters.

In case you're wondering, the show has a clock in the upper left hand corner of the screen because in Japan they always want to know what time of day it is on the day of the California Presidential Primary.

Sawai Miyuu is adorable as Usagi.

ADORABLE. If you press her she will let the people inside the house know you're waiting outside. She manages to get the balance between young adult, super hero, and retarded child perfectly, which may honestly be a false statement and completely made up for by her goofy smile. She's got one of those smiles that makes you feel better. I don't know. It just seems to be coming from a deep down place where she's just happy to be alive. That's something I wish I'd been able to hold onto. The uh, the Japanese girl I mean. I'm just happy I don't have to hear the American voice actress for Usagi doing that meth'd out valley girl thing she was doing anymore.

When I mentioned "her cat Luna" (Jane, his wife) I didn't actually mean her "cat." In what might've been a choice creative decision the producers decided not to depict Luna as a live action cat, which spared us a repaint of the Salem puppet from Sabrina speaking mooshy mooshy. Instead, they...how do I put this... do you remember the talking baby commercials from MTV-2 a few years back, where they just held a baby doll up and pretended like it was talking like a person? That's what they do with Luna.

They move around a stuffed cat (not like taxidermy, like a plush cat) and have it talk. If Japan has ghettos they begin here. The upside is that Luna is voiced by Keiko Han, the same actress who provided Luna's Japanese voice in the cartoon and movies. "Keiko Han" is Japanese for "kick your hand."

Later in the show the guy who moves around the cat toy gets tired of doing so and they cast a little girl as a "human" Luna, a weird amalgamation of Luna's purpose and the Chibi Usa character from the Manga and cartoon.

The upside to the reimagining is that I don't have to put up with the cartoon Chibusa's undying obnoxiousness between moments when she gets hurt and I'm supposed to care OR her sexual attraction to her own father. The downside to the reimagining is that I don't get to see a little girl pull a gun on anybody in real life. Real life Luna is played by Rina Koike, which is Japanese for "leasing a Jewish person."

For those of you who were wondering (and there are SO MANY OF YOU I AM SURE), the series' other cat, Artemis, gets the same treatment.

He even gets different sets of googly eyes pasted onto him to convey whatever emotion they need from the thing they got at Japanese Wal-Mart. Wal-a-Martoo. Artemis is voiced by Asian Frank Welker Kappei Yamaguchi, whose name roughly translates to "Val Venis' gun revenge." You may remember Yamaguchi-san as the voice of Ranma, the voice of InuYasha, the voice of Tombo in "Kiki's Delivery Service," and so on. He takes care of Aino Minako, Japan's number one singing idol, who moonlights (har har) as Sailor V and eventually as Sailor Venus.

Venus is the stern, standoffish soldier who does her own things and wears really stylish clothes with words on them that make zero sense contextually. She is the soldier of "love," and takes Planeteer Ma-Ti's gaywad power of monkey speech and turns it into DEADLY LASER BEAMS. She also reminds me of one of the best parts about the live action show... instead of giving them all wacky, non-Japanese, incredibly obvious hairstyles the actresses all have normal black hair until they transform, THEN they get the anime hair. It's like organic webshooters. It isn't canon, but it works.

Sailor Venus is played by Japan's Anne Hathaway, actress Ayaka Komatsu. I say "Japan's Anne Hathaway" because she's the cast member most frequently in a bikini and shaking her butt for Fanta or whatever.

This causes her fans to say overly dramatic things like AYAKA HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR YOUNG FANS, or, I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE HAD TO SINK SO LOW TO FURTHER HER CAREER FOR SHAME. It's like when Hathaway showed her princess dairies in "Havoc" and "Brokeback Mountain," messageboards everywhere burst into protective tears of MY SWEET ANGEL HOW COULD YOU Be a human being who makes choices as an adult I CAN NEVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME WAY AGAIN. I never understood that. If I want to have sex with a girl don't I *want* to see her naked? I guess that's the difference. When I see a girl I want to have sex with I try to have sex with her instead of pretending she's my Mom.

"Ayaka Komatsu" is Japanese for "a yak is coming at you." And this is one of the rare times when I will stop to laugh at my own joke, because that's fucking hilarious.

My favorite of the Senshi is Sailor Mercury, the sailor of water, which makes her, uh, I guess like every other sailor. Played by my sassy dream bride Chisaki Hama (Japanese for "ham and cheese"), Ami Mizuno is the Japanese Steve Urkel, meaning she has glasses and studies but is very courteous and doesn't ever knock anything over. And I guess she hates cheese. She's also completely the Aquaman, down to her ability to help out by making people wet. She also shoots water, the joke!

Mars: MARS GIGANTIC FIREBALL ATTACK
Jupiter: JUPITER SKY FULL OF THUNDERBOLTS ON YOUR FACE ATTACK
Venus: I AM TAKING OFF MY BELT AND MAKING IT TURN INTO A LASER SNAKE THAT KILLS YOU
Mercury: i am throwing a sprinkler at you

Even though, Sonjay Dutt over here is my favorite, mostly because of her round head and gigantic ears. The most attractive thing on a woman PERIOD is when their hair falls over their ears, and the ear pokes out. AAH I LOVE IT. Thanks a lot, years of bad self-image making me hyper critical and overly specific! MY FETISH IS YOUR LEFT NOSTRIL

Mercury does make me a little uncomfortable, though, as one of the four people on the Internet who do not have a thing for Alyson Hannigan. Hannigan's character on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," Willow, is one of my least favorite in television history, and not just because she was a midget. Everything she did, from cheating on her boyfriend to investigating Kennedy's grassy knoll only a few episodes after the assassination, made like Bizarro Johnny Gill and rubbed me the wrong way. I'm going to present to you a side-by-side comparison of the two characters to show you the very thin line I walk between enjoying something and hating it. Yes, I can touch both poles at once. Also, this will contain spoilers but i hate you so shut up

Studious nerd; sits on computer doing research while the others do things.	Studious nerd; sits on computer doing research while the others do things.
Learns magic, gains self-confidence.	Gets a magic bracelet, gains self-confidence.
Is sworn to protect the Slayer.	Is sworn to protect the Princess.
Turns evil.	Turns evil.
Being evil makes her clothes black.	Being evil makes her clothes black.
Gains a false sense of arrogance and demands more power.	Gains a false sense of arrogance and demands more power.
Is turned evil after watching her girlfriend die.	Is turned good after watching her girlfriend die.

Mercury's biggest personal advantage over Willow is that Chisaki Hama has never appeared in a condescending movie where she wears a fat suit and dances to "Milkshake." If Hama ever decides to do this (CHISAKI HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR YOUNG FANS) I hope she wears one of those big sumo suits you see people on beach game shows wearing, just so I can roll her into oversized novelty pins. That is the most obtuse expression of sexual desire I have ever typed. Ah well, when I get rich I'm moving over to Japan and making Mercury my wife. I'm going to buy her and cruise her up and down the road.

Sailor Jupiter (the warrior who boys seek out when they want to get more stupider) commands thunder and that's all well and good, but as the tomboy her strongest contribution to the team is largely being able to run places quickly. Running is as important to the Pretty Guardians as fighting. They live in the anti-Semitic Juuban district of Tokyo, where everything (the church, the forest, the one glass building lobby they're always saying is somewhere new) is within running distance. The first thing they teach you in Senshi School is if you hear that your friend is in trouble (or even just feel like they are), start running. You will always, ALWAYS end up where they are in time to save them.

Jupiter is played by actress Mew Azama, who is both an accomplished model for Japan's Seventeen magazine and what Bin Laden's cat might say. Her greatest moments on the show include depressing flashbacks about her dead parents, having awkward Japanese chemistry with hilariously turtle-obsessed supporting character Motoki, and, through her overprotection of Usagi, teaching me that there are Asian basketball thug chiggers outside of the Poser Mobile.

Jupiter was my favorite character on the cartoon because she had big boobs and I was SO UNBELIEVABLY thirteen.  So Mercury is my favorite, but I like Mewtwo.

Keiko Kitagawa (okay what the hell am i supposed to do with that) plays Rei Hino, a bossy, always kinda sleepy looking girl who lives in a shrine and charges people five dollars to park if they want to watch her shitty circus. Rei becomes Wheeler Sailor Mars, soldier of fire and passion. Mars Attacks with bursts of flame or a bunch of little pieces of paper, both of which appear to do the same thing. One time when I was working at the grocery store I balled up a bunch of receipts and threw them at some old lady, and she started screaming and disappeared. Later she called and got me written up. Thanks a lot, Sailor Mars.

Being the Leonardo (the unofficial leader) of the group, Mars Bars all horseplay and tries to get the team organized and moving forward. I like her a lot on the show because Kitagawa (baby cat owned by Jawas? Christ this one is hard) is probably the best actress of the bunch, and gets across Rei's insecurities a lot better than her animated portrayal. I again could be way off here, because after a few episodes all I could hear was that Usagi voice actress doing her Katherine Hepburn/I Love Lucy thing. I swear to God if I ever snap and start beating up women I'm making a road trip out to strangle that lady. But yeah, with an expressive face and pained voice, Keiko Guards her Spheres of Existence from the other soldiers. She also gets smacked in the face by her Dad once, which is WAY hardcore for a kid's show.

As much as I'd watch this show if it were just about these girls standing around talking, there ARE bad guys, and if you ever needed proof that the Power Rangers came from Japan, this is it. The monsters are always two steps away from Billy showing up to describe them as a "twisted mass of metal and glass!" I half expect them to be plagued by a shark that is not only a man but swims...IN THE EARTH!

These monsters never pose a serious threat, only seeming powerful when one Sailor needs to lay on the ground with dirt on her face and wait for the others to show up. I wasn't kidding when I mentioned that before. Sailor Moon fights have a 20 minute wait of just people standing in line, waiting for a time when they can jump in to save someone. This is usually headed up by Chiba Mamoru, aka TUXEDO MASK, the powerless but always hanging around mysteriously boyfriend/super hero who throws roses at folks, blocks stuff with a cane, and would be way more helpful if he wasn't wearing a suit jacket and slacks over his face.

The antagonist of the show, Queen Beryl, has not changed clothes in a thousand years even though she spends every single day standing in a backlit cave. She seeks the princess and the mystical silver crystal because those things will give her power over the something something and then Queen Metalia will do what now and boop.

Beryl had a thing for Chiba Mamoru ("I remember Sonny Chiba") in his past life and demands that Tuxedo Mask aka Tuxedo Kamen aka "yes I ordered the tuxedo" be hers forever. I don't know. Almost all of Queen Beryl's scenes involve her saying the name of one of the bad guys and asking him how things are going. She's fairly ineffective and rarely entertaining. Although if I'd been wearing the same bustier for a millennium I wouldn't be a Beryl of Laughs either.

To defeat the Sailor Senshi, Queen Beryl must find their weaknesses. And these guys are her chinks in the armor!

Jadeite

Powers: Swooshing his cape and teleporting away.
Fashion: Blonde perm.
Catchphrase: "YES QUEEN BERRY." At least that's my DVD's translation of "Beryl." Berry. Sometimes it's even "Barry." Every time I read it I imagine Queen Berry penning books about boogers and pointing out the foibles of every day life.

Jadeite ("when a rapper chooses jade") is the youngest looking of Beryl's Four Captains and despite having a couple of boss daggers he spends most days kneeling, hiding behind things to listen to people, or swooshing his cape around while the Soldiers fight him. The fight scenes on this show are spectacular. "Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon" dispels the stereotype that all Asian people know karate by filming these girls trying to throw kicks. It's awesome. They jump on their tiptoes, do cartwheels, and spin in place (I'm not joking) to simulate hand-to-hand combat. Then they nod at each other like they've suddenly figured it all out, and unleash their CGI attacks, which they should've just done in the first place.

I think they kill or at least make Jadeite flee about a thousand times in the first 40 episodes because Jadeite is a total woman. He should learn to be a dick. He should try to be like David Caruso in Jadeite.

Nephrite

Powers: Swooshing his cape and teleporting away.
Fashion: Red faux-hawk, plastic hair net.
Catchphrase: "NO QUEEN BERRY."

Nephrite is the producer's ultimate statement on evil: As a normal guy he has dark eyes, but when he becomes the SINISTER STANDER AROUNDER NEPHRITE his eyes become blue. You know how we always make the villains in our TV shows and movies British guys, because they sound and look more evil? When the Japanese need evil they make you into a white guy. Makes sense. We the most no butt-havenest people in the world.

Nephrite attained his position as one of the Four Captains of the Earth Kingdom by constantly failing, apologizing, and then standing around in the back of the cave feeling sorry for himself. He is rivals with Jadeite in the competitive field of terrible hair.

Zoicite

Powers: Playing piano.
Fashion: Final Fantasies 7-10
Catchphrase: "MASTER!"

Do you hate it when people try to tell you who to be? Do you ever want to run away, or lock yourself in your room with the radio turned up so loud that no one hears you screamin'? Well, Zoicite knows what it's like to be like you. He sits at his piano all day playing the same song OVER AND OVER AND OVER until somebody walks in and clangs their hand down on the keys, and he's forced out of his imo (Japanese Emo) trance long enough to pontificate on Master Endymion and the fate of the world.

If you need a plan taken care of, he'll Zoicite it. And he just can't hide it!

Kunzite

Powers: Swooshing his cape to teleport away; stabbing
Fashion: Final Fantasies 4-6
Catchphrase: /smirk

Kunzite is the most powerful of the four because he is not stupid and chooses to occasionally just walk up to people and cut them. Isn't that the most logical way to deal with girls cartwheeling around you? Take out a big sword and start swinging it around. Even in a PG'd out universe like this show you can still do some damage, cutting holes in peoples' clothes to expose the symbolic red clothing underneath. People are always getting cut on this show with very little lasting damage. Tuxedo Mask gets a sword dragged all the way up his back, and he's TOTALLY DEAD for a couple of scenes, so they take him to the hospital and he sits there until he decides to go home. I guess you could just CHANGE THE RED CLOTHES and be fine.

I want to try to shoot somebody on this show. Pull out a gun, put it to their forehead, and pull the trigger. Chances are they'd cut to somebody else yelling their name, and then back to us in time to see them fall down and have their hat fall off or something.

This is one of those shows that we're never going to get in the United States. Putting Dakota Fanning in a tiara doesn't really get across how incredibly Japanese the entire endeavor is, nor does it preserve any of the innocent charm that comes along with those crazy Japanese girls who just can't stop wishing for peace when there's a camera around. Honestly, this is a little bubble. If you pop it, it's gone. It's inane, pointless, somehow simultaneously over and underdone, but at the end of the series the whole thing has just been NICE, and cute, and full of pantied teenage ass.

Before I completely rap this up I've got to come up with a good pun for "Keiko Kitagawa." If I finish and put this up for people to read and I've got nothing I'm going to be disappointed in myself. Not like anybody but me enjoys the puns, as most of my readers just want me going YAAAAH SAILOR MOON IS FUCKEN CLOWN SHOESSSS but shut your face i dont care about your rules, and I'm going to do it. I was going to use "Rei Hino" in a sentence about how I love going to Mexican restaurants to eat the "Chile Rei Hino." It's just not the same.

When Michael Knight Rider wants to drive away in frustration he Keiko Kitagawa.

shit

AAAAH

uh

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Keiko?

Ho ho, there we go.