The
Top 100 Most Swank Broads
written by B, Jon, Justin, Mark, Emily, and Nick on october 28th
- 2001
B.
All women not included on the list should be considered expendable and will be shipped to the nearest yard for lifelong storage. Sorry, Sara Gilbert, you and Becky need to go ahead and get on the bus. You too, Debra Messing.
Please click the smaller images to view a larger image. Click the larger image for index finger exercise.
20. CLAIRE FORLANI
Famous for: Being the child of Sean Connery in
"The Rock," which makes her the sister of Indiana Jones
and the gay pretend sister of Tom Sawyer.
Earns points for: Getting married when Jaws pops
out of the water.
Loses points for: Being the sassy, butt-kicking
girl along for the ride with Jackie Chan in "The
Medallion," a movie about a guy given super powers by a
special medallion. This is the same role played by Jennifer Love
Hewitt in "The Tuxedo," a movie about a guy given super
powers by a special tuxedo. But next year, watch out as Jackie
Chan and Amanda Peet star in "The Anal Fissure," a
movie about a guy given super powers by a special anal fissure.
19. JESSICA ANDREWS
Famous for: Singin' that rootin' tootin' jingo
jango proud-to-be-American but
not-proud-enough-to-have-cognizant-thought-process down home
country music! It's like pop music with a steel guitar! Have you
listened to country ... LATELY??
Earns points for: Looking like a really
arrogant, hillbilly Thora Birch. I just love girls with huge
skulls.
Loses points for: The song lyric: "So
I'm shiftin my life into drive/I'm getting out kissing the past
good-bye/Like Toby said, 'How do you like me now?'"
Toby Keith should stick a boot up her ass. And then up his own
ass. It's the American way.
18. MICHELLE BRANCH
Famous for: Playing a guitar, which in the minds
of music magazines automatically makes her a serious musical
artist. Nevermind the fact that Carlos Santana was standing like
right next to her playing 120 too many chords, Michelle just
stands there grinning in sandals and a flowerchild hippie dress
strumming away, just strumming, strumming away. Go, Michelle!
Fight on, for everlasting credibility!
Earns points for: Being the Betty Rubble to
Vanessa Carlton's Fred Flintstone.
Loses points for: Singing the syllable
"uh" at the end of every sentence. "Goodbye, to
yooooou-uh. Goodbye to every thing, that I kneeeeew-uh." I
half expect her to saunter on stage wearing a denim jacket,
flanked by a crazy old man and a skinny, square-faced guy with
bad tribal tattoos. MICHELLE BRANCH IS HEAVY SET, NO WAY YOU CAN
TAKE HER.
17. BRIAN KENDRICK
Famous for: Wrestling as "Spanky" in
organizations like the ECWA, Ring of Honor, and Zero-One. Putting
on good matches in the WWE despite being covered in six feet of
dirt seven states away from the arena.
Earns points for: Being the greatest thing since
Sliced Bread #2. Also, I always thought my Emily's old roommate
Elise was kinda cute, but she was into crappy cat-ear robot
kawaii samurai anime, and she looked just like Spanky, only
Spanky is way cooler and in better shape, penis or no.
Loses points for: I thought about putting indy
wrestler Low Ki in this spot, but he's a deranged ape-like death
machine of a man, and I didn't want to catch a boot to the temple
at 400 miles per hour for thinking the homo sex about him.
16. BRODY DALLE
Famous for: "Singing" for The
Distillers.
Earns points for: Being pale, being coated with
obviously too much make-up, having tattoos in proud places, and
for giving me the impression that she'd play Sega Genesis hockey
games the morning after I snuck over to her house to do it.
Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake.
It's only the second period and she's up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come
and go, B, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat
Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
Loses points for: Having been married to and
assumedly having slept with Tim Armstrong, maybe the grossest and
most unclean man in America. Now her childhole is RANCID! See
what I did there?
15. TINA FEY
Famous for: Having a good night, and having a
pleasant tomorrow. Making SNL's Weekend Update a less
professional, less yuppie, funnier place. At least during the
moments when Jimmy Fallon isn't touching a guitar.
Earns points for: "A Harvard Medical
School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still
the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really
teaches the baby who's boss."
Loses points for: Having a scar on her face,
which leads me to believe that she has only two things in this
world: her balls, and her word. This also means she's in the
house of every black person in America. Whoa guys woah, wait a
minute, I thought we were talking about Christina Aguilera hats
goin on in this??!
14. CARLA GUGINO
Famous for: Mothering two children of espionage
for the hit Spy Kids franchise, including "Spy Kids,"
"Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams," "Spy Kids
3-D Game Over," "Spy Kids 4nicate," and "Spy
Kids 5: Alexa Vega Learns a Harrowing Lesson about Duct
Tape."
Earns points for: Momentarily winning the award
for HOTTEST BROAD ON THIS FUNKIN WAGNALL OF A PLANET for her role
in Bon Jovi's video, "Always."
Loses points for: Reprising the role of Karen
Sisco on TV, a role originally played by Jennifer Lopez in the
film "Out of Sight." And then they had to hire two
other girls to respires the role of Karen Sisco's ass, a role
originally played by Jennifer Lopez's ass which is so big that
they had to have two girls play it, because one girl wouldn't be
big enough to be believable as an ass as big as Jennifer
Lopez's!! HEY LOOK IF YOU PUT THE NAMES BEN AND JENNIFER TOGETHER
YOU CAN MAKE BENNIFER. BENNIFER! That's what we should call her
relationship with Ben Affleck! Bennifer! Gigli is SUCH A BAD
MOVIE!! I MEAN SO BAD
13. DIANE MIZOTA
Famous for: Talking about random lists of things
as the host of "Filter" on G4, digital cable's first
channel all about video games. Come for the hot girls, stay for
STARCADE! Kevin, tell them what they've won! A METAL DETECTOR!!!
Now let's play Crystal Castles.
Earns points for: Giving me a Solid Boner by
being the hottest girl to talk seriously about Metal Gear ever.
Loses points for: Playing one of the Fuck You
Twins in "Austin Powers in Goldmember." Wait, did I not
get that joke? I would've liked her better as one of the Ass Fuck
Twins.
12. KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Famous for: Shivering Orlando Bloom's timber in
"Pirates of the Caribbean."
Earns points for: Being one of Princess
Amidala's look-alike decoys in Phantom Menace. So now if I can
somehow arrange for Keira Knightley and Natalie Portman to make
out with each other, I can get my twin fetish out of the way
without feeling like a giant creep.
Loses points for: I still think the term
"Bend It Like Beckham" is a sly euphemism for doing
Posh Spice up the butt.
11. KATHARINE TOWNE
Famous for: Playing and concordantly being
staked into d00m as "Sunday" in the first episode of
the fourth season of Buffy. You know, the one where the army
shows up and everyone is suddenly hip and has sex. No, before the
ratty little Jewish sister. No,
Earns points for: Briefly bringing
"hot" back into the cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer,
which had been missing ever since Sarah Michelle Gellar lost a
lot of weight and Alyson Hannigan was born.
Loses points for: Having been married to Charlie
Hunnam, star of "Undeclared" and "Queer as
Folk." Hunnam, of course, was found on a scrap heap by Ido.
10. ALEXIS BLEDEL
Famous for: Mumbling through eighty-seven
thousand forced lines about becoming a woman as Rory in any
random episode of "Gilmore Girls."
Earns points for: Looking like an eleven year
old girl in doll form, while being 22. She's like a weird anime
girl.
Loses points for: Watching Gilmore Girls not
only makes me hate women, but makes me want to fill their vaginas
with rubber cement and jam dildos into them.
9. KYLIE MINOGUE
Famous for: The song "Can't Get You Out of
My Head," which you can't get out of your head, and
"The Locomotion," which is as entertaining as being hit
by a train.
Earns points for: Her ass is considered a
national treasure in her homeworld of Australia. In Australia
"soccer" is known as "football," the
"bathroom" is called a "loo," and "Paris
Hilton dating that guy from Sum 41" is called "putting
another shrimp on the barbie." Oh sweet sassy molassy, I'm
the best writer ever. I am the fulcrum to your clever.
Loses points for: Never turning to Michael
Hutchence after coitus and saying in a loud voice, "We just
had INXSEX!"
8. UTADA HIKARU
Famous for: Her J-Pop crown as the Japanese
Britney Spears.
Earns points for: Singing "Simple and
Clean," the themesong to Kingdom Hearts. Kingdom Hearts is a
video game that lets you fulfill all of your Disney and
Squaresoft fantasies, like seeing Squall and Cloud fight
together, or using a giant metal key to beat Hercules in the face
until he dies.
Loses points for: Getting Mena Suvari disease
and marrying a photographer fifteen years too old for her. Pretty
soon she'll start looking like a mistreated puppy and making bad
Alexander Dumas action movies.
7. NORA GREENWALD
Famous for: Her role as Molly Holly, WWE Women's
Champion.
Earns points for: Having more talent in her
luscious booty than every other North American female wrestler's
bodies combined. The only female wrestler not to make me shout,
"ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?" before disappearing and
turning into a coin.
Loses points for: Being a "Holly
Cousin." She also loses points for her job, trying to carry
Lita to enjoyable matches. That ranks just behind "Candy
Raver" and "Deputy Smack Whore" as America's worst
job.
6. NORAH JONES
Famous for: Being the daughter of Ravi Shankar;
winning sixty Grammys without trying.
Earns points for: Keeping her clothes on; not
being a whore.
Loses points for: Keeping her clothes on; not
being a whore.
5. DJ ICON
Famous for: Playing music for dorks in trucker
hats and capri pants to pop-and-lock to on "The Wade Robson
Project." Pop-and-lock, more like pop-and-cock. Darren's
Dance Grooves, more like Darren's Dance Grooves for Queers.
Earns points for: Being a talented Chinese girl
with crazy hair and a huge, fuck-off back tattoo.
Loses points for: Reminding me too much of the
dumb Twix commercial featuring "DJ Rap," which
subsequently makes me remember "DJ Ran" on Monday
Nitro. Nothing compliments the aftermath of a fifteen minute Dean
Malenko/Ultimo Dragon match like a fat black guy in a throwback
yelling about being "all up in my area." I tell ya
what, DJ Ran, give me ten minutes to set up my area with
poisonous arrows and humorously large wooden spikes and you're
welcome to be all up in it.
4. JEWEL KILCHER
Famous for: Writing bad poetry and folky guitar
rock until it made her notable enough to violently sell out.
Earns points for: Her boobs. I've written about
Jewel on five different websites now (The Celebrity Superfight
Main-Event, Wrestling Uncensored, X-Entertainment, Whatever-Dude,
and P-Boi), so what can I say about her genetically alpha rack
that I haven't said before? Jewel's boobs are a ... poem to
myself. They help me to live. There we go.
Loses points for: Being a folk singer, a 10th
grade creative writing poet, a pretend dance pop diva, and so
cracked out of her mind half the time that she adds cat noises to
her songs during concerts. Also, claiming to "love
animals" while dating a rodeo guy. Fuck, forget the part
about animals, just dating a rodeo guy. Rodeo guys should only be
allowed to date other rodeo guys, so they could breed and breed
until one of the chromosomes snaps and we get to see a boneless
mound of flesh try to stay on Texas Thunder's back for eight
seconds.
3. ASIA ARGENTO
Famous for: Being the thing Vin Diesel is gonna
do for his country in XXX.
Earns points for: Being the daughter of Italian
Master of Horror Dario Argento; having a flying vagina tattoo.
Casually wearing raccoon eyes so well that I seriously begin to
think about carrying a bottle of wine and a jar of lube into the
woods.
Loses points for: Choosing a movie about Vin
Diesel shooting people while snowboarding as her Big American
Party Breakthrough. Being so hip and cool that I have self-esteem
issues when I fantasize about her.
2. SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Famous for: Having to listen closely as a
leather-faced old man whispered to her horses.
Earns points for: Being the most beautiful part
of the most beautiful movie of the year, "Lost in
Translation." Having the most perfect mouth ever. Being the
girl I'm going to have to marry when Thora loses herself in gum
commercials and soy tofu recipes.
Loses points for: Being the most beautiful part
of the most Arquette-filled spider-attack movie of 2002,
"Eight Legged Freaks."
1. THORA BIRCH
Famous for: Being my Dream Girl. Also, playing
Enid in "Ghost World," thereby causing faux-alty
lesbian twenty-somethings and hapless, overweight Internet guys
with lowered expectations to hone in on my desire to fuck the
little girl from "Monkey Trouble."
Earns points for: Being a Vegan shaped like a
girl, and being smart enough to take Fred Durst's money without
letting his hot dog flavored water anywhere near her chocolate
starfish.
Loses points for: Her 0.25 Good Movie Ratio. For
every "American Beauty" there is a "Hocus
Pocus." For every "Ghost World" there is a
"Dungeons and Dragons." This actually gives her points
as well, because she made a Lifetime TV movie and lo and behold
her next DVD release features a sixteen year old Keira Knightley
showing her boobs. If Thora greenlights "Dungeons and
Dragons 2" I could cast her in a movie where she wears a
Mark Messier jersey and fucks me on a big pile of money.
