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15. Bryce Dallas Howard
Last year's list: Funny
story, Bryce actually appeared on last year's list. What I thought was
"Michelle Branch" turned out to be Bryce wearing ELABORATE PURITAN DISGUISE.
Best physical attribute: Red hair. I have a long documented love
affair with the color red dating back to my very first website, the Celebrity Superfight
Main-Event, and my very first online posting, a fight between the Spice Girls and the
Nitro Girls. Until she removed her rubber mask and was revealed to be an old orange
lady I LOVED Ginger Spice, and 99% of my writing revolved around her or chicken
sandwiches. Six years later the Spice Girls are Halsparksian nostalgia and I'm a
vegetarian. I may prefer it coated in cheap black dye now, but underneath I still
like it red.
Greatest accomplishment: Starring as a handi-capable woodland
settler in M. Night Shamalyan's "The Village," an oft-panned psychological
thriller that offers ideas for developing our society into one that values children's
unique contributions. I really liked the movie. But I only used
"handi-capable" here because I've been trying for twelve months now to do a post
about how Andy Capp is Andy Capable, and this is about as close as I'm gonna get.
The downside: The hilarious realization that Bryce was conceived
when Ron Howard told his wife to "sit on it."
14. Morgan Webb
Last year's list: Last year
Emily put her at fourteen on her list, and I had no idea who Morgan Webb was. I find
her concept interesting and pester Emily for six months to do a post about Morgan Webb.
"It'll bring in hits," I said. Somewhere along the way Morgan dyes
her hair dark and now
I've got eight feet of ligament hanging out of my arm holes. Thanks a lot,
Morgan Webb, I'll be SURE to check out "Skies of Arcadia." I'll just bang
my bloody stumps against the Dreamcast.
Best physical attribute: THE SEGA SATURN. By "the" I mean
"I want to put my," by "Sega" I mean "penis," and by
"Saturn" I mean "BETWEEN HER LUSCIOUS BOOBIES." That analogy is
awesome because it would be super fun and because now the Sega 32X aptly describes itself.
Greatest accomplishment: Staying productive and perky on game
review show "X-Play" while co-host Adam Sessler's full-grown masculinity breaks
free Athena-style from his giant skull and pulls his hairline back six more feet from his
forehead.
The downside: I really don't want to fuck a girl who knows that
much about Everquest.
13. Anna Paquin
Last year's list: Anna was
accidentally left off of last year's list when the cable modem that connects my penis to
my brain went on the fritz. For the longest time I logged on with a 56k modem, which
too often left me masturbating awkwardly to the top half of someone's face.
Best physical attribute: I love how her mouth and teeth fit in so oddly
on her face. Plus she's one of the many vegetarians on my list, so I can rest
assured that those big goofy teeth haven't been severing allotted chunks of animal ass.
Greatest accomplishment: Winning an Oscar when you're eleven years
old is meaningless when you've starred in the film "Fly Away Home." When
she's ninety years old I hope she stands on her porch and throws broomsticks and rocks at
the kids who walk by, shouting, "I DID A GOOD JOB HELPING OUT THOSE GEESE, YOU
UNGRATEFUL SHITS."
The downside: You're going to have a tough time getting out of a
furniture store without hurting her feelings.
12. Jewel Kilcher
Last year's list: Number four
on my list.
Best physical attribute: No matter how many books of poetry she
publishes, no matter how many musical genres she poorly reinvents herself into, no matter
how many yokel cowboys she lets suck her tit in the TRL photobooth, one thing is for
certain and undeniable: Jewel has the greatest chest in recorded human history.
Greatest accomplishment: Wearing a corset on the cover of Maxim's
"Blender" magazine. It was a total Donnie Darko moment for me. Time
started jumping around and by the time I realized how horny it made me I had already
finished, smoked a cigarette, quit smoking, and dedicated four years of my life to wearing
a top hat and pointing at Crazy World. And the worst part is that I know some kid
came in to shop after me and walked home with an issue of Nickelodeon Magazine and it's
fucked up Spongebob Squarepants facial cover.
The downside: It's hard to believe that at this point in my life
Jewel has fallen out of my top ten completely. I bought her first album because I
thought she was hot and wanted to keep her around. It worked, too. I didn't
buy Paula Cole's album and where is she? Off braiding her armpit hair? I
bought her second album to continue the trend in the hopes that she would get naked.
Years pass and she keeps getting my money, getting JUST NAKED ENOUGH to keep my
dream alive. I'm finally beginning to feel the emotional and physical toll from her
inability to execute, and unless she gets naked in the next twelve months I'm replacing
her with Rita Repulsa on this list and saying "to God damn with it."
11. Tasha-Ray Evin
Last year's list: She didn't
appear on my list last year because in 2003 I was still able to convince myself that
talent was a necessary factor in finding a woman attractive. Not that I don't find
"Lillix" to be incredibly talented. I'm sorry, my syntax is all screwed up
today. It's that I do not find "Lillix" to be incredibly talented.
There we go.
Best physical attribute: Her moist eyeballs. Thanks for doing my
job ahead of time, Acuvue Advance.
Greatest accomplishment: Being a young girl who rolls and rocks!
I'm getting pretty tired of watching fifteen year old girls in CBGB's T-shirts
pumping their fists at me. And they keep getting younger. One of these days
I'm going to just start shoving musical instruments into my girlfriend's
toddler-receptacle and try to reset the cycle.
The downside: I don't know, but I've been told...a big-leg woman
ain't got no soul! So beneath those big plaid pants may lie the thighs of the
walking dead.
10. Molly Holly
Last year's list: My number
seven. She was supposed to be number seven this year, too, but one of the girls
ripped off her wig and sent her running back to ten. You'd think this would be a
rare occurrence. But then again you'd think falling into a dumpster would be a rare
occurrence, too, but that happens all the time. Professional wrestling, ladies and
gentlemen, where you're more likely to be shaved bald against your will than be rewarded
for a job well done.
Best physical attribute: Molly is the only woman in the WWE with nice,
natural breasts. This makes her the resident "fat girl." So in
Molly's case that means more cushion for the de-pushin'.
Greatest accomplishment: Winning the World Wrestling Federation
Women's Championship, a prestigious honor held only by every other person with a vagina
who has been paid by Vince McMahon to appear on television.
The downside: I really don't want to have to coddle Gail Kim
through Sol Naciente-procedure while I'm trying to hit on her friend.
9. Jennie Finch
Last year's list: Jennie
didn't make the list last year, but she did win the US Olympic Softball Team raffle by
accurately guessing how many of her own heads could fit inside of Lisa Fernandez's.
Best physical attribute: Jennie Finch is like the most beautiful and
accomplished blonde sorority girl you know...ONLY SIX FEET TALL. She's like the
evolution of the sorority girl. In twenty years they're gonna let a girl with six
arms into Gamma Rho Lambda.
Greatest accomplishment: Winning a gold medal in the Field of
Softball Excellence. Also, THE FINCH WINDMILL. It's a pitching and throwing
shoulder exerciser created and marketed by the Finch family, and it's all she ever talks
about. Seriously. Go to her website and look. She's either advising you
to practice or purchase the FINCH WINDMILL. HEY LITTLE GIRL YOU SHOULD KEEP HUSTLING
BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE YOU SLIGHTLY BETTER AT RUNNING TOWARDS A BASE. Also you should
use the FINCH WINDMILL. It will make your arm go around really fast, so you'll be
great at underhanded pitching or exaggeratedly knocking out an opponent.
The downside: She will probably keep going on and on about being
able to strike out Major League Baseball players, despite the fact that she stands six
inches from home plate and her pitching style is like Rookie of the Year without his super
arm on fast forward. So to keep her happy you might have to pay Glenn Davis to hang
out at your house.
8. Asia Argento
Last year's list: Numero
tres. And "tres" is what Asia is going to vanish without if she doesn't
attempt to curb her desires for blonde pixie haircuts and movies about transvestite
children.
Best physical attribute: The combination of her giant pubic tattoo and
naturalistic Italian pubis. So it's like you stuck your dick in a hedge and pissed
off a fairy.
Greatest accomplishment: Being born out of Dario Argento's wife's
womb without being covered in rubber and fake blood. Her father is an acclaimed film
director and the "Italian Master of Horror." The American Master of
Horror, you ask? You guessed it. JOHN KERRY.
HE GOT HIS PURPLE HEART WHEN HE TOOK A BIG
DUMP.
The downside: She's crazy, so she might kill you. But at
least it will be elaborate and involve knives and pulleys.
7. Katherine Towne
Last year's list: Number
eleven. She moves up four spots because I'd forgotten how gorgeous she was until I
searched for new pictures of her. It's unbelievable. It's like she was created
in a lab. And not the kind of labs I'm used to. I'm used to standing for six
hours next to an art major who's mind is blown by the differences between acids and bases.
Best physical attribute: She's (to date) the only person who has given me
a corset boner bigger than Jewel's. Jewel's corset pictures split my pants.
Click on that second thumbnail. Katherine Towne's corset pictures tore my pants
Hulk-style and gave my wiener a victory over The Absorbing Man.
Greatest accomplishment: Starring as a foxy vampire in one episode
of "Buffy
the Vampire Slayer."
The downside: Katherine Towne is about as famous as me.
6. Diane Mizota
Last year's list: My list,
number thirteen.
Best physical attribute: Being cute in whatever the G4 producers decide
to cosplay her up as on her video game countdown show "Filter." I've seen
her in armor, dressed as a gypsy, and in army fatigues. I'm still pushing for the
Filter episode about "Kingdom Hearts" so I can molest myself in the presence of
Donald Duck without feeling like a creep. FINALLY.
Greatest accomplishment: Diane is currently the host of
"Trading Spaces: Boys vs. Girls," the Wild and Crazy Kids variant of the popular
home decorating show. She's there to reassure the kids that the bunk beds they made
to look like a time machine don't look fucking stupid. So if I do hook up with her I
don't have to worry about feeling regretful after sex...as long as I didn't staple hay to
her vagina at any point during intercourse I'm not the worst she's seen.
The downside: She's trying to break out into mainstream stardom,
but all the roles she finds are for stern looking forensics experts or big-eyed Asian
girls who speak in broken English. I'm sad that as a writer there will probably be a
moment in my life when, during my efforts to woo Diane Mizota, I'm forced to phonetically
spell out "AH-SO-FIXIATED." ^__^
5. Zhang Ziyi
Last year's list: Last year
she was number two on Mark's list because I'm nice and let him have her. I had to
overcompensate by putting forty Asian girls on my list. This year I made sure to
scoop her up, because I might've ended up with Sammo Hung at fifteen.
Best physical attribute: She has the most perfect little round square
head ever. And when I've got her in the Dragon Sleeper she's the only girl on the
list guaranteed to break my ribs.
Greatest accomplishment: Starring as the ratty little
disciplineless girl in all the prettiest martial arts epics. "Crouching Tiger,
Hidden Dragon," "Hero," and "House of Flying Daggers" all
accentuate style and color above kicking someone's head off, and though I appreciate a
swift decapitation I am a sucker for the color wheel.
The downside: I would feel really bad if I punched her, and damn,
I'm a nice guy, but I know eventually I'd try it.
4. Nellie McKay
Last year's list: Nellie
didn't make the list last year because I didn't know who she was, and because I was still
convinced that all women had to contribute to music these days were spinning around
belly-first in vats of black paint and going WHOA-YEAH NOW after Chingy calls them a
bitch.
Best physical attribute: Her fingers. Having met her in person I
can actually SEE the talent trying to break out of her skin and come alive. She's
always kind of fidgeting, like she's making a specific point to not ignore you in favor of
busting out a sonata.
Greatest accomplishment: The honest answer to this is her
double-album debut "Get Away From Me," my favorite album of the past, I dunno,
ever. But the personal answer is her response to me.
I had a chance to see Nellie perform live at the Mountain Stage in Charleston, West Virginia. After a song I yelled out "WE LOVE YOU NELLIE," because I'm a goony nerd and couldn't restrain my fanboy tendency to compliment. Her response, in her own unique cadence: "Aw, I love you too. But more in sneakers." She continued on with the concert and played her next song. When that song was over she sat at her piano silently for a moment, staring down at the keys, before looking up and explaining that when she said "more in sneakers" she meant that while in concert she's supposed to wear uncomfortable dress shoes, and when she's backstage or at home she can wear regular people shoes and have regular people emotions. And she wanted to let me know that she will appreciate me when her creativity dies down and she isn't destroying the piano with her brain.
I went backstage and shook her hand, letting
her know that I too love her most when I'm in comfy shoes. The third picture there
is me, looking like I'm 400 pounds next to her fragile little ecosystem of brilliance,
trying to stay cool despite my profuse sweating and wobbly knees. So Nellie, if you
read this, thank you for giving me hope that women and music can go together without
floppy boobs and vocal fellatio. And thank you for your distrust of men and love of
dogs.
The downside: There isn't really one, other than guaranteeing
whoever she dates as the less creative and productive half of the relationship.
3. Anne Hathaway
Last year's list: Last year
she had frizzy hair and wore glasses, so she wasn't on the beautiful women list. But
this year she's learned that true beauty is from within, so HELLO UNMATCHED NATURAL
BEAUTY.
Best physical attribute: Anne Hathaway does for red lipstick what Jesus
Christ did for being nailed to things.
Greatest accomplishment: Starring in Disney's "Princess
Diaries" franchise, and generally any movie that revolves around a wacky, innocent
girl discovering herself and falling in love. Like any young actress who makes her
name in family-friendly fare, Hathaway is now setting her sights on more mature roles, so
stay tuned for six movies where she tries to convince us that she's an angsty runaway.
LOOK HOW STATUESQUE AND PRETTY I AM. I HAVE D-CUP BOOBS AND A THREE INCH
WAIST. OH HI MACAULY CULKIN, LET'S GO ROB A STORE.
The downside: I had more talent than her when I played Santa's elf
#2 in my first grade Christmas production. I stood in the back hitting a desk with a
hammer.
2. Zooey Deschanel
Last year's list: Nowhere,
because Scarlett Johansson made one good movie and I'm a moron.
Best physical attribute: Her eyes. Zooey is the thinking-man's
romantic comedy starlet because she simply embodies every beautiful girl you've known and
fallen in love with. She reminds me of my first sometimes, too, only she eats.
Greatest accomplishment: "All the Real Girls" is the best
movie you've probably never seen, but Zooey's greatest accomplishment has to be her role
as Jovie in the surprisingly great "Elf." Any girl who can make me tear up
singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" is not born of this Earth. She's
got to be the best young actress working right now, and as long as she doesn't pigeon-hole
herself into rom-com situations with Jake Gyllenhaal or whoever she's going to have one
Hell of a filmography. Next year she stars in the film adaptation of "The
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," so expect her to become overexposed and dressed as
a stormtrooper on the 1280 X 1024 desktop wallpaper of your favorite neighborhood
nerdass's computer.
The downside: I wouldn't be able to resist the various
animal-themed "zooey" or "HEY ZOOEY, THIS SHOW SUCKS, CHANGE DES-
CHA-NEL" jokes. I'm a sad and lonely person.
1. Thora Birch
Last year's list: Number one.
And unless her next movie is the four-hour epic "THORA BIRCH DROPKICKS A
KITTEN" she'll be number one on any of the most beautiful girl lists we do.
Best physical attribute: Everything. Every single little thing.
Her lips. Her eyes. The little spot above her left eyebrow. She's
physically everything I'd ever want in a woman, plus she's kinda mean and antisocial.
And asexual. She brings her little brother (or Francis Ford Coppola) to dates
and events. She's a vegan and actress when presented with material smarter than
"FLEE FROM THE DRAGON" or "FLEE FROM KATHY NAJIMY." She is my
female Alpha and Omega. And if my dreams come true I'll get to see her Pi.
Greatest accomplishment: Lead roles in "American Beauty"
and "Ghost World." And hopefully something else soon, so I don't have to
keep saying her third best movie is "Monkey Trouble."
The downside: I've built her up as the best girl alive for like ten
years now, so if we get married and I find out something trivial, like her favorite movie
is "The Cutting Edge," it'll set off a chain reaction and destroy my world.
