bill
AIM: Basher Lemming
basherlemming@gmail.com

PREVIOUS WRITER :: NEXT WRITER

Everyone who's been here longer than me took all the celebrities, so I've taken it upon myself to highlight some of the lesser known examples of womanly beauty. In other words, those bastards stole Salma Hayek from me.

15.  Christina Ricci

Best physical attribute:  Big, expressive eyes. Which sorta sounds like I'm describing the Adopt-A-Pet of the Week.
Greatest accomplishment:  Being in the general vicinity of that movie about Charlize Theron making herself ugly. Also I think there was a serial killer in it or something.
The downside:  With a round face and a big forehead, sometimes her head just looks like a big melon.

14.  Bjork Gudmundsdottir

Last year's list: One of Mark's picks. I don't know who he is, so I swiped her.
Best physical attribute:  A strange, pixie-like quality that makes her "look" hard to pinpoint. It seems to change in every photo.
Greatest accomplishment:  Over a decade of making a mangle of electronics, orchestras, shrieks and growls into beautiful music.
The downside:  The aforementioned pixie magic can make her look 14 one minute and 45 the next.

13.  Sharbat Gula

Best physical attribute:  Her toes. What the fuck do you think.
Greatest accomplishment:  For those unfamiliar with the story, she's from a famous National Geographic photo taken in 1983 in Afghanistan. Among other things, she stood as evidence that there is still beauty to be found in a place where "beauty" as a descriptor is used slightly less frequently than "nougat-filled."
The downside:  Time has not been kind to her. Time, and living in fucking Afghanistan.

12.  Miranda Richardson

Best physical attribute:  I think it's the eyes again. Which is appropriate, I suppose, because she played Christina Ricci's mother in Sleepy Hollow.
Greatest accomplishment:  To Americans, playing the woman pulling the horseman's strings in Sleepy Hollow. To Americans with PBS, having a similar predilection for decapitation as Queen Elizabeth in Blackadder II.
The downside:  She's old enough now that everyone gave me a funny look when I suggested her. It's not my fault that all the sitcoms one ever sees from the BBC around here are pre-1980.

11.  Alizee

Best physical attribute:  I can't imagine.
Greatest accomplishment:  Becoming world-famous when no one actually listens to her music.
The downside:  She's built an entire career around presenting like a mandrill. I'm sure there are those among her fans who don't know what her face looks like.

10.  Fran Drescher

Best physical attribute: Her body. Though the fact that she's attractive at all is rather surprising. Everyone has the mental image of her with Peg Bundy hair wearing gaudy designer clothes, so when I saw her looking relatively normal in an Old Navy commercial a year or so ago, it inspired a prolonged debate with a friend over whether that was actually her or not.
Greatest accomplishment: Annoying the fuck out of everyone.
The downside:  Whenever she opens her mouth. Also, she seems to have a touch of Renee Zellweger's squinty-eye disease.

9.  Janeane Garofalo

Best physical attribute: One of the many stops on her Magical Mystery Hair Tour during the Larry Sanders days was short and blonde, which made her even cuter than she already is.
Greatest accomplishment:  Dumping a successful stand-up career to become a professional shit-stirrer.
The downside:  Intelligent, thoughtful women are hard to find. Harder to find is one that hasn't turned her mental acuity and introspection into overbearing, overzealous activism and pretension for a cornocopia of causes and ideals. One of these ideals is inevitably that "caring how you look" = fake, plastic, unnatural, and shameful, thus they walk around looking like they just had a roll in pig shit.

8.  Shania Twain

Best physical attribute:  Her constantly exposed belly.
Greatest accomplishment:  Pulling off the "I'm a sweet, fun, good ol' fashioned singer but also your filthy sex toy" look much better than Britney Spears. Making that damned yipping noise in Man! I Feel Like a Woman.
The downside:  She sings country music. Or at least some twisted, pop-mutated variation thereof. Making that damned yipping noise in Man! I Feel Like a Woman.

7.  Emma Story

Best physical attribute:  Eyes are really winning the night, here.
Greatest accomplishment:  Runs a blog at caoine.org. But moreover, she's an attractive female video game-playing philosophy major. She's what would've popped out of the computer in Weird Science if the two kids had been real geeks instead of horndogs who learned Basic in computer camp.
The downside:  Her wagon wheels are jittering dangerously close to the precipice of Camwhore Canyon.

6.  Carmen Nicole

Best physical attribute:  Oh hell, let's go with the tits.
Greatest accomplishment: Hosting the short-lived show GSN Video Games on the Game Show network, because the kids all love hearing about Ridge Racer in between episodes of Match Game. They cancelled it a while back, and now they show episodes of Extreme Dodgeball. I wish I was kidding.
The downside:  Her inability to feign even vague interest in what she was talking about. Having to share air time with chumps from Game Pro and Gamespy reading poorly off of cuecards. Hey guys, they're writers for a reason.

5.  Olga Pikhienko

Best physical attribute:  Doing stuff like this.
Greatest accomplishment:  Performing a contortionist/handbalancing act in Cirque du Soliel's Quidam, doing the same as well as starring in Cirque's Varekai.
The downside:  The social ranking judges don't make an artistic distinction and would still mark down your spouse as "circus performer."

4.  Jill Hennessy

Best physical attribute:  She has an identical twin, in case you lose the parts to this one.
Greatest accomplishment:  Fucking the most badass DA on the planet. Leaving Law and Order, a show that's still running strong ten years later, to be in Komodo.
The downside:  Now she's the star of her own show, so she's switched from professional and sophisticated to "cake me with make up and I'll walk in slow motion towards some wind machines." And what the fuck is that quote in the third picture supposed to mean?

3.  Amy Lee

Best physical attribute:  Does the pale skin/dark hair goth thing while still looking human, instead of some of the ghost freaks you see wandering around town. I suppose "looking human" is a really shitty compliment, but you know what I mean. It looks good on her.
Greatest accomplishment:  Being in a rock band and having a vagina, both at the same time.
The downside:  The whole "I'm so deep and goth and that's why I can't smile or wear colors" thing gets old real quick.

2.  Julia Louis Dreyfus

Best physical attribute:  The absence of that Godawful straight hair she had for a season or so.
Greatest accomplishment:  High profile role in the 1986 hit Troll.
The downside:  She looks like she's worried if anyone notices that she's shitting out jets of water in that first picture.

1.  Nicole Kidman

Best physical attribute:  Gams from here to yah-yah.
Greatest accomplishment:  Since these lists are all about looks anyway, I'll say Moulin Rouge, since she's never looked better than she did there.
The downside:  I think she's taller than me. :(

PREVIOUS WRITER :: NEXT WRITER

progressive boink archives
main page