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| nextSuper Mario Bros.:
The Movie (DVD) - Page 2
First attempted speed run - 1:34:46
Author: Mike
Fireball
Average Rating: 
- 13 votes
Keywords: Super Mario
Bros.; Intelligent story design;
The fate of Dover, Pennsylvania
Author's comments:
Perhaps I got ahead of myself. I should've have jumped head first into scarcely
charted territory. I'd played the Mario video game hundreds of times before
my first speed run. I've only seen this movie twice before trying to watch
it in five minutes. How silly of me.
The first step in reaching one's goal is to understand the problem. One must know what stands between him & his dreams.
A complete runthrough of Super Mario Bros., in which the entire movie was viewed and all power-ups therein were acquired, would take 1 hour & 44 1/2 minutes. Now it's all a matter of finding warp zones.
If I warp past the ending credits & the final scene afterwards in which a stupid in-joke is made about how a pair of Japanese executives offer to make a video game based on the adventures of the movie, I could consider the game complete in a little over 1 hour & 39 minutes. I never need to see that scene again.
Another warp zone is hidden near the beginning of the first scene, in which I could surpass the opening credits and an explanation of the origin of the Koopa tribe.
The film suggests that the meteor we thought caused the dinosaurs' extinction actually split the Earth into two dimensions: ours, in which humans evolved from mammals, & one in which the dinosaurs continued to thrive & evolve into their own humanlike reptillian species. I can now safely throw out everything I know about the Japanese 'kappa,' mythological water imp that appears to be a duck-turtle hybrid, that we all thought the koopas were based on, & warp past this introduction. Koopa is a human evolved from a dinosaur. That brings me down to just under 1 minute, 37 seconds.
This, of course, brings about the debate of Intelligent Design. Does acceptance of a short, pixelated cartoon & a bad special effects meteor as canon ruin a strong foundation of faith in a higher power?
Following the opening credits, a young woman is seen leaving a large egg, sealed in a container by a shard of crystal, on the doorstep of a Brooklyn convent. The sisters of the convent bring the egg into the warmth of their candlelit chapel, during which is hatches to reveal what appears to be a normal, healthy baby girl. Are the sisters' faith shaken by this phoenomenon? Does the stained glass painting of Jesus Christ shatter upon these events' coming to be?
No. The sisters, while certainly amazed, do not fail to recognize the miracle of life in the strangest of places. They bless themselves, quietly praise they mystery God has bestowed upon them, & take the child into their care. This continuation of the opening sequence assures us that we need not let our faith in whatever we have faith in become rocky with new scientific discovery, but rather allows our understanding of life's mysteries to be improved.
It can now be understood that ramming a meteor into the earth & splitting it into two dimentional halves, each of which evolve from different points of origin, is a most intelligent design, indeed. Just, you know, not when you're designing a movie plot.
With this newfound improvement of our understanding of
the mysteries & origins of life, I have further improved my movie-watching
speed run by another two minutes, knocking my total time improvement down
ten minutes. This doesn't seem much for a hundred-minute film, but in the
world of speed runs, a ten minute improvement is something that should be
praised.