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The Movie (DVD) - Page 3
Second attempted speed run - 39:28
Author: Mike
Fireball
Average Rating: 
- 512 votes
Keywords: Super Mario
Bros.; Erotic fan fiction; Children
named Minnie Pearl
Author's comments:
Getting to know the workings of your character is essential to being successful
at a game, & absolutely necessary in completing a good speed run.
Character development in film is equally as important, and often requires a decent amount of screen time that we can otherwise eliminate once we know how they operate.
Besides the screenplay of Super Mario Bros., the writers of the film are also famous for writing the book on taking artistic liberties. It is apparently difficult to stretch a story about two plumbers from Brooklyn on a quest to save the beautiful princess of a kingdom of mushroom people from the evil clutches of a turtle king, & allow for it to be well-received among a family audience. To make things easier on themselves, & so as not to lose any artistic face, writers Parker Bennett, Terry Runté & Ed Solomon decided to make a few changes to the story.
Most of these changes were known to me. Koopa, a humanoid evolved from a dinosaur, has long overthrown the Mushroom King & turned his kingdom into the corrupt city of Dinohattan. He seeks to reunite & conquer the two dimensions with the aid of the crystal shard left with the egg that eventaully hatched into Daisy, a 20-year-old archaeology student raised by nuns & unaware of her otherwordly royal origin. Luigi, a clean-shaven, high-jumping assistant plumber, was abandoned as a child, & Mario is his Big Brother in the non-profit mentoring & raising sort of way. Luigi meets & quickly falls for Daisy when a rival plumbing company threatens to blast her cityside dig site, which happens to be where the meteor landed that split the two dimensions, & where said dimensions are linked. Koopa finds Daisy, Luigi goes after Daisy, Mario goes after Luigi, goombas don't fucking look like goombas, & eventually the day is saved. In much longer than five minutes.
For now.
This, again, is apparently not good enough for a feature-length film without tertiary characters borrowed from the video game by name only. Studying the patterns of these characters will better help us maneuver around them & come closer to our speed run goal. To make you feel more comfortable, I will explain these characters using the familiar style of a video game instruction manual...
Yoshi: Mario's new dinosaur pal! He is Koopa's slave and his held captive with Daisy. Press the Y button to make him stick out his tongue & help out Mario during the 30 crucial seconds in which they share screen time!
Lena: A mistress of Koopa. She is jealous of his desire to find Princess Daisy and will do anything to win her favor, but is otherwise just kind of there for someone Koopa can talk to besides a goomba. Stomp on her beehive hairdo for 100 points.
Daniella: Mario's girlfriend. She is very Italian. This is apparently humorous. Later she gets kidnapped! Save her, Mario!
Iggy & Spike: Koopa's bratty children have been rewritten as two of his bumbling underlings. Watch out! Spike attacks you by taking Cameron's dad's car for a joyride. Iggy can be defeated by jumping on his head three times or HACKING THE PLANET! Don't these references look familiar???
Big Bertha: She is a fat black woman representing a giant fish that swallows you when you run too close to the water. She has taken Daisy's crystal & hung it near her cleavage. Mama mia!
Toad: Toad is Mojo Nixon. He plays the guitar & revolts against Koopa, who de-evolves him into a goomba. Mojo Nixon is not Toad. He cannot act. If your film has Mojo Nixon, then your story could use some fixin'.
* * * *
Improvement is often relative. A video game like Mario can be dumbed down to its action sequences & final outcomes & still be a great game, especially one on which to attempt a speed run. Using this logic, & the short back story we now have on these characters, we can drastically reduce the film to just its action scenes, so as to better finish it in record time.
The rest is really no more than the filmmaker's equivalent to fan fiction. Personalities are added to characters who don't need them in order to drive the story. Attempts to improve the plot can often make it worse if not written by a fan who respects the original creation, or if written by a fan who tries to add themselves, or even worse, their own romantic or sexual elements to characters that are not meant to be involved in such a way. Need something spicy to make your story look longer than it really is? Throw in an unnecessary sensual scene of Mario slow dancing with Big Bertha as he tries to grab the crystal around her neck with his teeth!
Mama mia!