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Meet Dr. Ted George, Registered Family Therapist The newest addition to the ProgressiveBoink.com family, Dr. Ted holds PhDs in child psychology and family therapy.  He has authored three books, including the recent best-seller "Do Not Beat Your Child".  He can hold his breath underwater for two and a half minutes.

A Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas walkthrough for concerned parents

"Mom, Jimmy has a video game where you can steal a truck and run over prostitutes with said truck and steal their money and use the money to buy grenades and throw said grenades at police officers and use a dildo to beat their charred corpses for hours while yelling the n-word.  Can I get it for my birthday?"

I'm sure that a lot of you parents have heard that from your child(s).  Those of you who haven't may have children who do not have friends named Jimmy, or are deaf-mute, or were adopted from third-world countries and thusly do not have birthdays.  Regardless, GTA: San Andreas has quickly integrated itself into the common American childhood.  By this point, playing this game is as essential and natural a component as learning to ride a bike or waking up one morning with sticky bed sheets. 

I've heard from many parents that they actually prohibit their children from playing this game.  They buy into all the fears, such as the rumor that frequent or vigorous play will lead the child to go insane or grow hair on his palms.  Such notions are pure nonsense!  Granted, GTA: San Andreas can be moral garbage in its purest form, and if left unsupervised with it, your child will experience psychological injury comparable to that of a few huffs of paint thinner or a whack to the forehead with a cinder block.  But with proper parental input and supervision, GTA: San Andreas can be a healthy and fun experience for your entire family!

Introduction to Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

For minimal eyestrain, encourage your child to play the game during its daylight hours.

In the latest iteration of the series, you are Carl Johnson, a former gang-banger who gives up an honest life in Liberty City to move back to San Andreas and engross himself in a culture of callowness and death.  Significantly, Carl Johnson is a black man.  As the parent of a socially sheltered child, it is your responsibility to dispel myths about these extremely talented people.  They cannot fly, they cannot drink a gallon of milk in a single sitting, and a significant percentage of them cannot juggle while riding unicycles.  To effectively reinforce realistic views of black people, you must first ensure that you yourself know the differences.

Below is a helpful table illustrating the discrepancies between everyday folk and black folk.

San Andreas is a wonderful place, filled with wholesome things such as automobiles and the ground.  However, nearly everything else in the game often contains material that you would find offensive and that you would not want your child to see.  The activity below will help shield your child from such negative influences.

Activity #1
Supplies required: Printer with plenty of paper, scissors, Scotch tape, a winning attitude

Step 1: Print out this page, and cut out the shapes below.

Step 2:  Sit near the TV as your child plays GTA: San Andreas.  If objectionable material appears on the screen, ask your child to pause the game.  Tape one of these shapes to the screen so that it obscures whichever objectionable material happens to be on it.

Examples:

A headless corpse lying on the street.

Before	After

A bunch of people being exploded to death, violent explosions, a billboard with subtle innuendo.

Before	After

Vandalism of property, structure in question does not meet minimal city building codes with respect to drainage facilities.

Before	After

This is a great way to ensure that your child can have fun playing a game while managing to evade its corruptive and destructive elements.  Perhaps you will look back at this twenty years in the future when your child is too busy installing gutters to behead, incinerate or graffiti people, and be glad you took such a proactive step in his or her development.

For optimal effectiveness, I encourage that you ask your child to tell you in advance which direction he or she plans to move Carl.  If you can maneuver your vectors with precision, you can slide the paper along the screen as he is moving, allowing you to censor the game without interrupting his or her fun!

Some rules for Carl to follow

For your child to have a positive experience with Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, it is vital that he or she be held to the same moral accountability that he or she would be held to in the real world.  Make sure that your child knows that it is not okay to steal cars, kill people, attack people, break speed limits, cause property damage, or run for the police.  Some would say that's a tall order, asserting that it's fruitless to play a game about killing people and stealing things when you don't want to kill people or steal things.  However, there are plenty of things Carl can do without breaking any moral codes.  Such activities include walking around, running around, and standing still to look at things.  Below are some things that your child should not do under any circumstances.

Activity #2
Supplies required: Pencil, a winning attitude.  Print this out for your child to solve.

Kids:  One of these Carl Johnsons will not go to Hell, and the other seven are going there forever to live with the Devil.  Circle the one who will be spared.  (Hint: It is a sin to massacre a sidewalk full of people with a chainsaw, as well as to throw a grenade at your living room wall.)

"So, what can my child do?"

By now, most of you are probably asking, "All I've heard so far is a bunch of neurotically cautionary rules.  Is there anything that my child can do?"  Well, I'm glad you asked!  Luckily for Carl and your child, the game does make available a few opportunities for making a completely honest living, as shown below.

Mini-Game: "Quarry"

In San Andreas, you can be anything you want!  A gangbanger!  A pilot!  A vigilante cop!  A stuntman!  And...a construction worker who uses a bulldozer to push rocks into giant pink force fields.  This mini-game is the perfect way to introduce your child to the numbing drudgery and self-loathing of blue-collar life.  It is perfectly natural and healthy for your child to quit this mission after about twenty seconds and proclaim it to be of wretched character, perhaps to the extent that the idea that it may be homosexual has validity, perhaps to the extent that its name, "Quarry" is a slight misnomer.  He or she may proceed to suggest that "Queery" may be a title more properly befitting it.

Mini-Game: "Trucking"

Your child's initial reaction of excitement for this mini-game will soon be quelled by the realization that it's just as boring as real trucking, with the added challenge of your trailer detaching and exploding whenever you attempt to steer left or right.  But are you or your child aware that 80% of America's goods are transported via the trucking industry?  Tell him or her that if he or she doesn't wield a vehicle that handles like a wooden block proficiently enough, other children just like him or her will starve to death.  Encourage your child to eliminate the need to steer by lining the truck up with the target destination, stomping on the gas, and hoping for the best.  If your child protests having to do something completely devoid of entertainment, encourage him or her to inform everyone he or she might encounter that Large Marge sent him or her.

Unfortunately, those two are the only wholesome mini-games built into San Andreas.  But that doesn't mean you can't make up your own!  Use your imagination!  Here are a couple of fun games that your old pal Dr. Ted came up with:

Mini-Game: "Farming"

Have your child find a field of crops with a combine harvester.  Encourage him or her to assume the role of a farmer, and do everything a farmer does!  He or she is to drive the harvester over the crops from dawn until dusk.  Unfortunately, the game does not allow Carl to eat, drink, sleep, or take showers.  When nightfall comes, lecture your child on the virtues of a healthy imagination, then have him or her walk to the front door of the house and remain there for twelve hours until it is one again daybreak.  For the most realistic simulation possible, do not permit your child to take his or her eyes off the screen or put down the controller.

Mini-Game: "Cleaning Your Room"

What a "messy motherfucker" Carl is!  His room is a mess!  Help Carl keep his room looking respectable by cleaning it up.  Regrettably, his room only has two things in it that can actually be picked up -- the can of spray paint, and the camera.  It will take your child approximately four seconds to complete this mini-game, so once he or she is done, add to the fun by acting out a scene found in every single children's TV shows of the 1980s.  Urge him or her to put said items in the closet, and complete the following dialogue:

Parent: Well, this certainly looks a great deal cleaner than it did before!
Child: I did a great job!
Parent:  Where on Earth did you find room for everything?  [walks over to closet door]
Child: NO MOM DON'T OPEN THE--
Parent: [opens door, avalanche of teddy bears and miscellaneous sports equipment spills out and buries both parties in a comical fashion]
Child: ....cloooooossssseettt.

Mini-Game: "Valet"

Naturally, a point will come when your child will grow restless, and lament the futility of abstaining from stealing cars in a game called "Grand Theft Auto".  Luckily, there is a solution.  Tell your child that as long as he dresses Carl in his valet uniform, he is permitted to "park peoples' cars for them".  Do not call it "stealing."  This way, your child can have fun while still maintaining a work ethic and strong set of moral values.  Your child is to say the following phrase aloud every time he steals a car, so as to cement it in your child's mind as a non-theft:

"Hello, my name is Carl.  I am your valet.  Do you need assistance with exiting your vehicle?  I would be glad to help you."

Your child can now drive the car anywhere he or she wants to, provided he or she does not wreck the car, speed, run red lights, or park illegally.  If your child protests, craft an impromptu rhyme in which you lecture him or her on the virtues of abiding by laws and regulations.  If possible, ensure that its rhyming words include "cool", "school","fool", and/or "rules".

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