Rating the Lesbians, Volume 4
written by Emily & B on February 24, 2025

Volume 1 :: Volume 2 :: Volume 3 :: Volume 4 :: Volume 5 :: Volume 6 :: Volume 7

Thank you for once again stumbling into our lovely site to look at our page full of lesbian pictures. We appreciate your patronage, and hope that you'll visit our main page and archives. But since you aren't taking the time to even read this tiny introductory paragraph and have already skimmed down (probably to the end), here is a grief poem: Death Pleading with the Mother of a Dying Child. Enjoy!

*weeps*

Neve Campbell and Rachel True

Film: The Craft (1996)
She: Fairly certain that this is not her favorite scary movie.
She: More like Rachel False.

B: Watching "The Craft" because of a girl is one of those experiences we all go through in life, unless we're popular and our frame of beauty begins and ends with that god-awful "long brown hair with blonde highlights" disease that infested the bowels of MTV and spread to our youth culture.  The Craft is almost a lot of things.  It is almost funny.  It is almost entertaining. 

And in this scene, it's almost sexy.  Mostly because this was in Neve Campbell's chunky stage before she became a three-to-tango waif cracker.  Mostly.  She had those sexy soft girl arms and big boobs.  So you could say at this point she was at least a Party of Two or Three herself.  And Rachel True isn't bad looking, but I'm not Jon, so she doesn't really do a lot for me.  Now if we'd had Melody from Hey Dude! licking Fairuza Balk's big, almost-discolored teeth, now then we might've had something really going.  But this only lasts for a second, and the other girls kiss each other on the cheek.  What I'm trying to say is that it gives me Scott Wolf-boner instead of Jennifer Love Hewitt-boner.

So The Craft is almost sexy.  I think I just might have a thing for girls with issues.  At least I got a kick out of the girls trying to summon greater spirit Manon, and I could picture sexy French-Canadian hockey goalie Manon Rheaume showing up to block kitchen slap shots with her bare feet. Who am I kidding, I shouldn't be saying offensive things like that. Did you ever see her play? She wouldn't be able to block the kitchen slap shots at all.

Emily: Doesn't this movie seem like it should've had a lot more making out?  Or at the very least a "Foxfire"-esque scene in which the four leads all take their shirts off, and lay around cutting each other?  I mean, this movie was the "Angelina Jolie" of it's day.  Girls watching the craft can be traced as the reason that today young women buy curling irons that come in coffin-shaped boxes, and have odd fascinations with Captain Jack Sparrow.   Acutally, they're pretty unrelated, but aren't kids today weird?  I don't understand popular music either. Also, my back hurts.

Had this movie been made about five years later,  Neve and Rachel (as the otherwise-useless second teir characters) would've had their tongues in each other's belly buttons faster than you can say, "An' it harm none."  For that matter, they would've made Campbell's character (as the "ugly one") into a bisexual who's too sheltered by her disfigurations to "come out."  Then when she's made pretty, there would've been a scene in which they're all in French class and the teacher says, "how do you say 'mountain' in French?"  And Neve would've stood up, said, "Let me show you, en francais" then proceed to mount Breckin Meyer while simultaneously making out with his twin sister.  At least, that's how I would've made the movie. 'Cause I'm all about pleasing the people. VOTE EMILY IN 2008!! I'M FOR THE CHILDREN Y'ALL!!

Matthew Gilbert, Boston Globe says: "It's like CARRIE meets CLUELESS!"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 2 Sappho

Dominique Swain and Mia Kirshner

Film: New Best Friend (2002)
She: was a daisy fresh girl and look what you did to her.
She: The new queen of lipstick faux-lesbianism. Star of "The L-Word" on Showtime. Most famous for having like six long strings of saliva hanging from her mouth to the mouth of an old lady in "Not Another Teen Movie."

Emily: This is really a serious case of "what could've been?" Like, for a brief moment in time right around when Lolita was released, Dominique Swain was on the verge of being a super fox.  With the little red braids, and the smirky smile, she was the hottest dick-sucking 12 year-old since Brook Sheilds made Keith Carradine feel like a man in "Pretty Baby."  Then something weird happened.  Swain was all blonde and sad in a Shawn Mullins video.  Then there was Ali Later with whipped cream on her tits.  Then Kirsten Dunst and her many clones popped up in The Virgin Suicides.  And after a while there were so many frowny-faced blondes in the atmosphere that they all kind of melted into each other, 'till all that was left was Kate Bosworth.

Swain was left by the wayside, and wound up making movies like this one, in which she plays second fiddle to Pacey's crazy 35 year-old girlfriend.  She also has a sex scene with Kirshner, who kind of looks like what would've happened if someone hadn't told Jennifer Connelly to stop getting naked all the time and learn to act. And, as already stated, it's hard to get hot for a chick you've seen make out with Happy Gilmore's grandma. And, though you get a good long look at Swain's dirty pillows, it's really not worth it when you know you can see the same thing in "Girl" plus the added benefit of watching her fuck Powder in a barn.

In conclusion, if this movie would've featured Lolita and Sarah from "Labyrinth" getting their grind on while young Indiana Jones watched?  It would've been grade A.

B: The scene in Lolita where Swain has to take her retainer out before going down on Humbert Humbert is one of the most disturbing, uncalled for, and fucking awesome scenes in any movie I've seen.  On the other hand, at fifteen she was too tall, too old, and too pretty to make the role everything it should've been.  And on the ugliest hand, the movie features Melanie Griffith.  So, after having a series of meetings over the past year with my inner-circle and after long deliberation, I am finally ready to say what needs to be said:

I want to violate the feces-spattered insides of fifteen-year old Dominique Swain's rectal cavity.  I want to sex her so hard that her face snaps off like a rubber band and I'm left trying to achieve climax with my head two inches from a skinless, bleeding skull.  I want to create a time machine and tie her hair to the inner workings, so she stays fifteen forever and I can turn the story of Lolita into a time-traveling epic in which I disappoint myself from a post-coital position over and over until Jesus dies again and infinity explodes.

I give this scene thumbs in the middle with a mild recommendation to avoid.

Matthew Gilbert, Boston Globe says: "It's like NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE forgot to keep making SHE'S ALL THAT jokes for a second and ended up being gay on purpose!"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 2.5 Sappho

Carla Gugino and Molly Parker

Film: The Center of the World (2001)
She: Allowing her kids to go into the field of espionage and reconnaissance without even the most rudimentary middle school education. IN THREE-DEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She: Convinced that doing a lengthy masturbation scene is poignant and meaningful to the plot and character development.

B: Carla Gugino has been on my "penis makes sound effects" list since I first saw her in the Bon Jovi video "Always," but lately I have noticed her to be of a unique group of actresses;  the actresses who become the fake girlfriend of people on the Internet.  Let me explain.

Many celebrity objects of lust are unreachable and synonymous with sex (Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie, etc.).  A Google search for these women can give you nine-hundred thousand pages of their nude pictures and at the same time about fifteen to a hundred pages dissecting every aspect of their celebrity -- their attitude, the way they dress, their habits good or bad, and so on.  They become fictional characters who can be equally mocked and masturbated to. 

Then there are celebrities like Gugino.  She IS sexy but in a non-threatening way.  She has an incredible body and IS beautiful but because she is not wearing peach diamond bodysuits and draping herself in snakes boys fall for her and feel as though it is their right to defend her in any and all situations.  If somebody says she is ugly on a message board these boys jump to her honor like they're punching out the frat boy that smacked their girlfriend on the ass.  If she does a nude scene they post their remorseful disbelief that somebody of "such class" could "DO something like that!"  She's a fine actress, why does she have to get naked??

I think some women might be better off objectified, because the boys who want to bang Jennifer Lopez aren't nearly as generally creepy as the boys who want to bang Alyson Hannigan.  It has a lot to do with self-esteem and lowered expectations, and the feeling that since they COULD MAYBE get the girl they adore there should be no reason they actually can't.  This is why Darth Maul blew his head off when he couldn't get with Bjork.  My most healthy advice would be to find your place in the middle;  for example, I would not mind dating or marrying Carla Gugino, but at the same time feel confident in the fact that I can masturbate until I cum diamonds watching her stick her tongue down a chick's throat.

Emily: I'm not sure what movie this is, but it's going to score oddly high on our Sappho scale, because it's one of the few instances of B crushing on one girl, and me crushing on the other. I really dig Molly Parker, and I can't figure out why.  I think it's because she's really frigid seeming.  She's pale with light blue eyes and really sharp features, so she always seems kind of bourgeoisie and. . . Kennedy wife.  Does that make sense? It doesn't, but moving on. It should also be noted that the movie that made me like Molly Parker so much was called, "Kissed" and featured Molly as a funeral home worker/necrophiliac. To clarify, I have a small girl crush based on watching her make out with dead bodies.  And THAT, friends, is the weirdest admission you're ever going to get out of me on this website.

Anyway, this scene also gets points because, for some reason I like lesbian scenes that involve two very different looking actresses. I don't understand the twin fetish AT ALL.  If I'm going to watch lesbian porn, I want Jenna Jameson and Asia Carrera, not the Doublemint twins ass-to-assing.  And, though I always thought Gugino a bit Anglo to be the mom of the Spy Kids, she is none-the-less a curvaceous brunette with big brown eyes and huge tits.  Parker (in this role) is a redhead with lots of angles. These are some fake-lesbians I can get behind.

Matthew Gilbert, Boston Globe says: "It's like SPIN CITY meets SHANE'S WORLD 9: SEX MEX! Or maybe SHANE'S WORLD 10: RUMP RANCH, which probably has the funnier subtitle now that I think about it!"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 4.5 Sappho

Joey Lauren Adams and Carmen Lee

Film: Chasing Amy (1997)
She: A pair of motherfuckin' Chinese fingercuffs.
She: Making for a pretty sub-par hip-hopera.  What the freak was up with Carmen: a hip-hopera?  It was way less Hip-hoperatic than "The Barbershop of Seville."  You know, that opera all about Eve and her fucking apple juice.

Emily:

YASE

*A movie about a lesbian that treats her like a normal person.
*Not one but two extended hot makeout scenes, gratuitous though they may be.
*Joey Lauren Adams, when not speaking, is very cute and fun to watch kiss girls.
* Jason Lee gives me girl boner.

NYET

*We have to listen to her repeatedly ramble about how normal and in need of love she is. All the while using her "Jennifer Tilly with the air being let out of her" voice.
* The makeout scenes come in the first third of the film. The other 2/3s are goateed-and-chunky Ben Affleck smoking and failing to illicit sympathy. PS Jersey Girl looks SO BAD. :(
*Carmen Lee is about the least attractive human being this side of the Ganges. Maybe it's because she's got Spike hair. Or maybe it's because she has that washed out and vacant look that just screams "SCIENTOLOGY."
*Jason Lee is sadly not a lesbian.

B: I pretty much covered my thoughts on Joey Lauren Adams and the View Askewniverse in the Kevin Smith Nude Scene Extravaganza, but I will state openly that I was disappointed when I rented the film "A Cool, Dry Place" with the intention of making a "WHAT LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGON" joke only to see Vince Vaughn and Joey actually having sex in a car. By the end of the film I'd exhausted all of my Kevin Smith quotes, and only the one about Smokey doing the Bandit applied. I couldn't even sneak in "WHAT THE FUCK IS THE INTERNET" in good spirits. In conclusion, do not rent the film "A Cool, Dry Place."

I think Carmen Lee's hair looks less like Spike's hair and more like the people from the "Dog Boy" segments on Liquid Television, where they had big plastic codpiece looking hair contraptions. When this movie came out I wondered why Jason Lee couldn't get a hotter wife than that, but then a few years later I saw the movie "A Guy Thing." It would have been good if I had not already seen the other sixteen-hundred thousand "guy meets the quirky girl of his dreams the day before he's set to marry his harpy wife" romantic comedies released that year. In conclusion, do not rent the film "A Guy Thing."

And I'm not going to rent "The Barbershop of Seville" either, unless Cedric the Entertainer plays Count Almaviva and woos Rosina with his hilarious observations on how black people are different than white people.

Matthew Gilbert, Boston Globe says: "It's like CLERKS and BOUND have sex in an extremely uncomfortable place!  And the butthole is BEN AFFLECK!"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 3 Sappho

Geri Halliwell and Kylie Minogue

Television Show: Some Random UK Morning Show
She: Needs some love like she's never needed love before.
She: One of many people doin' a brand new dance now.

B: Ginger Spice was the reason I started writing online in the first place.  My love of the Spice Girls at age 17, added to my desire to host photographs of women in leather hotpants, multiplied by my desire to rip a new asshole into somebody who'd write the lyric "Be a little bit wiser baby, put it on, put it on" gave birth to the Celebrity Superfight Main-Event.  I continued putting up pictures of Halliwell throwing up the girl power sign for victory in her old red-haired glory well into and through the death of the Girls, and right up until the point when she became an anorexic, pilated forty-year old blonde women doing Weathergirls coversongs.

Kylie Minogue has a butt foretold long ago by the movement of the stars.  If Kylie passed a leper on the street she could sing a song about love, do her little shimmy choreography, and lay her butt on the dude and BAM, he's healed.  You shove a dead man's face in her ass and he'll come out smiling (and smelling like Vegemite).  After an 80's hit with a cover of "Locomotion," Kylie disappeared from our shores until recently, when her unique brand of HERE'S MY ASS GUYS Dance music topped the charts.  She is the girl we see when we're wasted and staring at an ugly girl.  She is our green fairy.

But sadly this kiss took place at the exact moment when both girls, two of my favorite women to ever walk the planet, were at their lowest points.  Geri had Digi-devolved into Halitosis Spice and Kylie was still shaking off the cobwebs (asswebs) from her role as Cammy in the ill-fated Street Fighter movie.  A lesser comic would've called Halliwell "Old Spice" in this situation.  I like to attempt something a little more ambitious with my jokes. 

"Fantasies about this kiss with both girls at the height of their attractiveness in excess brings a man not honor nor any worthiness.  Ginger Spice, more like Euripides Spice (484 B.C. - 406 B.C.)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Emily:

Roxymoron87: You know what?
Roxymoron87: "Look at Me" lyrics:

Good looking, bad tasting
Full-bodied, butt wasted
Loose living, tight-fitting
What you see ain't what you are getting
Big make-up, little break-up
She wants it, he's got it
Cold blooded, hot gossip
Superficial expectations

Look at me, you can take it all
Because this face is free
Maybe next time use your eyes and
Look at me
I'm a drama queen if that's your
thing, baby, I can even do reality

Fake honey, real plastic
Stupid cupid, fantastic
Queer thinking straight talking
What you see ain't what you are getting
Fast loving, slow moving
No rhythm, but I'm grooving
Old feeling, new beginning
Superficial expectations

Look at me, you can take it all
Because this face is free
Maybe next time use your eyes and
Look at me
I'm a drama queen if that's your
thing, baby, I can even do reality

That's me.... Hahahaha

Sometimes I don't recognize my own face
*I look into my eyes and find disgrace
My little white lies tell a story
I see it all, it has no glory

Look at me, you can take it all
Because this face is free
Maybe next time use your eyes and
Look at me
I'm a drama queen
if that's your thing, baby, I can even do reality

Come on and look at me
This face is free
I'm your fantasy
So who d'you wanna be
Not what you see
I'm a drama queen if that's your thing
Come on and look at me
I'm your fantasy
This face is free

Roxymoron87:  that pretty much sums it up, right?
Destinys2ndKid:  Pretty much.
Destinys2ndKid:  lol yes I know the human head weighs that much
Destinys2ndKid:  whoops, sorry, talking to lipnicki in the other window

Matthew Gilbert, Boston Globe says: "It's like SPICE WORLD meets CALIGULA, but is then edited for television, so that whenever girls make out you get a clip from GLADIATOR and all the cocksucking is replaced with DEADLY TIGER FIGHTS! I'm sorry, I review movies and don't normally watch TV. But a movie about SPICE GIRLS leaving an orgy to fight TIGERS sounds priceless! A Must See!"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 3 Sappho

Kate Beckinsale and Frances McDormand

Film: Laurel Canyon (2002)
She: Favorite P-Boi moment? "This one's climbing the charts."
She: Still convinced Simon and Garfunkel are on drugs; currently "fecking" herself.

Emily: I'm pretty sure this is our sign that the "lesbians=ratings" upswing of the early '00s is killing itself off. I mean, who the hell wants to watch Frances F'n McDormand making out with ANYONE, let alone another girl?  I mean, I would've paid good money for a hard core sex scene with the Asian guy in "Fargo," pregnant belly and all. But that's because we've established that I'm a freak.  But really, if we're being forced to watch the Nun from "Madeline" sticking her tongue down someone's throat, why butterfaced Kate Beckinsale?  Honest to goodness, if her teeth were about nine times bigger she'd look just like Tommy HIllfiger's useless daughter.  And, frankly, I think watching Useless Daughter and Ugly Friend make out would score a higher sappho reading than this.

Furthermore, in a movie with Christian Bale and Alessandro Nivola (a.k.a. Nic Cage's nerdy little brother in "Face/Off"), nobody wants to watch the ugly girls kissing. Not even the straight guys.  Tune in next week for "Rating the Penises" in which Noelle and I make a lot of Randy Orton-themed photoshops.

B: One thing missing from this review is that Kate Beckinsale's character is in the hot tub with a guy and his Mom, and proceeds to make out with the Mom.  As witnessed by the earlier inclusion of Mia Kirshner, there is a disturbing trend in Hollywood borderlining on creepy incest that I'm seriously not comfortable with.  Kirshner's gung-ho attitude towards making out with an old lady (and the subsequent Electric Six video) threw down the punk card to all of young Hollywood.  In "American Wedding" Stiffler has sex with a grandmother.  In "Something's Gotta Give" old people are casually dating young people, both male and female, and it results in a sixty-year old cooter shot.  And coming soon is "The Girl Next Door," the film vehicle of 24's Kim Bauer, Elisha Cuthbert, that features a scene where her boyfriend imagines her making out with his mother and sucking his father's dick.  I'm not making that up.

Where will it take us?  Will American Pie 4 "American Divorce" (don't act like it's never coming) feature Stiffler having sex with his OWN grandmother?  Will a sequel to Saving Silverman showcase a lengthy Neil Diamond masturbation sequence?  Will the Special Edition DVD of Scarface feature Estelle Getty's head photoshopped onto Tony Montana's little friend, so he's killing a bunch of people with Sophia Petrillo's stroke-enduced tactlessness?  Can Fat Joe keep his chubby chubby chubby with a Golden Girl on screen?

Stop, Hollywood.  Stop it.  No, stop it.  There we go.  Now go sit on the couch until your father gets home.

Matthew Gilbert, Boston Globe says: "WHO BETTAH THAN LAUREL KANYON? Oh look, here is a memo from MY BOSS. 'That's the last straw with the niche wrestling references, you're fired!' Oh no, what bad news. Oh well, might as well make it count. It's like TOSHIAKI KAWADA with the GAMENGIRI on KATE BECKINSALE! Have fun having sex with JOSH HARTNETT in a WAREHOUSE FULL OF CURTAINS without a face!"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 1.5 Sappho

Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci

Film: Monster (2003)
She: I've looked at so many women. I've seen everything, and felt nothing. But when I look at her, it hurts.
She: necropheliac; wonders if the cookies are made from real Girl Scouts.

Emily: Dear Charlize Theron,

You're going to win an Oscar this year.  Bully for you.  It's sad though, that by doing so you've made me hate you.  I never really had an opinion on you before.  I remember back when you were nothing more than James Spader's masturbating girlfriend in "2 Days in the Valley."  You were very pretty, if only in a typical way.  Then you sort of morphed into a weird niche of "Lead Actor's Girlfriend/Wife Who Also Speaks with Some Sort of Accent."  You stole the fame right out of Famke Janssen's hands.  So I dealt with you.  I can't say that I liked you, but you weren't Heather Graham enough to bother me with your very presence.  And now look at you.  You've played your cards so perfectly, figuring out that surefire equation for Oscar Glory:

(Ugly Stick + Indie film + vagina)True Story = Performance of the year

It worked for Hillary Swank.  It worked for Nicole Kidman.  And I can't help but think we're just counting the days until Meg Ryan cuts her hair into a femullet and premieres "Pummelhorse:  The Story of Emily's Gym Teacher" on Showtime.  So. . . enjoy your moment in the sun.  We all know you're going to go all Mercedes Ruehl two seconds after winning.  I'll just sit her and try to be thankful that "The Legend of Bagger Vance" came and went as quickly as it did.

B: Can I stop for a moment to discuss the sadness involved with finally seeing Christina Ricci nude?  We as a nation of 10-25 year old males came to love Ricci in our own, reserved, nerdy ways, from her role as The Addams Family's Wednesday through Casper and The Ice Storm, and into her modern roles, including 200 Cigarettes and Sleepy Hollow.  This whole time we've been defending her when people said her acting was suspect.  We defended her when they said she looked like an alien.  We watched her boobs and star grow from A to D.  And all this time all we wanted was to see her naked.

In 2001 Ricci filmed "Prozac Nation," a movie based on the book about a girl who suffers depression during her first year at Harvard, written by a girl who suffered depression during her first year at Harvard and won't stop writing books about what a bad person she is.  2004 finally sees the release of this film, and as early as 2002 we were gifted with the screencaps.  And after the initial joy subsided we realized that she's naked, but she's just...sitting there.

The Internet has officially desensitized me.  Long gone are the days spent cackling like a child at naked Jenny McCarthy riding Santa Claus.  Far away are the days when a boob really represented something special.  I see Christina Ricci nude and all I can ask for is more.  Give me your butt, give me your bush, show me your boobs swinging around with tassels on them.  Show me you flying a jet nude.  Show me you in a pile of women that extends as far as the eye can see.  Show me you riding a corpse.  Show me you riding a corpse down a hill.  Show me something more than you sitting on the edge of a bed looking sad, because I want to fuck YOU Christina Ricci, not Elizabeth Wurtzel.  Show me YOU naked, Christina Ricci, and not the girlfriend of a serial killer who look and acts like a recurring MadTV character.  Give me the Katie Holmes thirty seconds of glory and then fade into obscurity, and don't come back until I'm ready to handle you as a serious actress.

Until then I retire to my chamber to watch my VHS copy of Now and Then and to pray for you, both for your breasts to live up to their full potential and for the horrible reality that you might end up looking like Rosie O'Donnell.

Matthew Gilbert, Boston Globe says: "It's like the ASTRONAUT'S WIFE gets a sex change, turns into a MAN BITES DOG, and sticks her fingers up a GOLD DIGGER!"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 1.5 Sappho

Gwyneth Paltrow and Tatiana Abbey

Film: The Royal Tenenbaums (2002)
She: Won an Oscar for painting on a fake mustache and having sex with an overly hunky William Shakespeare, which is about as accurate and deserved as winning an Oscar for licking Ethan Hawke's face in a water fountain; let Chris Martin unleash a bodily fluid, let Chris Martin unleash a bodily fluid on her...and it was called yellow.
She: Also in this movie.

B: "The Royal Tenenbaums" is a fantastic movie and this scene in particular is executed creatively and perfectly.  Wes Anderson, though it's cliche to say in film school circles now, has accomplished more in three films than some directors or writers do in a lifetime, and the fact that he's making an Oceanography movie with Bill Murray makes me want to give him a running jumping high-five.

Gwyneth Paltrow is a different angle.  She has twenty-nine films on her filmography to date, and of these I have enjoyed one.  No, not "Hook."  I couldn't enjoy a movie with a shorn Robin Williams.  No, not "Emma."  She looks too much like Legolas on the box art.  I am, of course, talking about "Se7en," pronounced "SeSevenEn," a film about Paltrow getting her head cut off and stuffed into a box.  Other things happened, but this is the crux.  Kevin Spacey rules and so does decapitation.

Emily: "Rushmore" was so much better. They didn't kill a dog in "Rushmore."

Matthew Gilbert, Boston Globe says: "It's like FIGHT CLUB meets DONNIE DARKO, but with a crazy MEMENTO twist that spirals the lead characters into madness, all leading up to an incredible finale that is on par with THE GODFATHER, THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, and then FIGHT CLUB AGAIN! Please read my original screenplay!!!!!"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 2.5 Sappho + .5 Sappho for The Ramones.

The Sims

Video Game: The Sims: Hot Date (2001)
She: made of pixels.
She: made of pixels with a dildo in them.

B:

SEE THAT PICTURE? IT MAKES ME FAR HAPPIER THAN TALKING ABOUT A LESBIAN COMPUTER GAME. NOW EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO FIND MY HOCKEY STICK AND AMERICAN FLAG.

Emily:

SEE THAT PICTURE? IT MAKES ME FAR HAPPIER THAN TALKING ABOUT A LESBIAN COMPUTER GAME. NOW EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO FIND SOME BATTERIES.

Matthew Gilbert, Boston Globe says: "It's like ACTUAL GIRLS you can control, even without the handcuffs and roofies!"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 0 Sappho

1980 U.S. MIRACLE HOCKEY TEAM: 10 SAPPHO

BUT AWESOME HETERO MASCULINE SAPPHO

NONE OF THAT GAY STUFF

Natasha Lyonne and Clea Duvall

Film: But I'm a Cheerleader (1999)
She: has probably caused Tara Reid to pretend like she created the association between mouse clicking and female masturbation while she wasaround her non-Pie friends.
She: allergic to dancing; probably wouldn't be a lesbian if she didn't paint her fuckin' eyes shut.

Emily: I know that we're supposed to just be rating the lesbian SCENES. And I know I have a tendency to go off on unrelated tangents about the movies themselves. But I'd just like to state for the record that this is absolutely one of the weirdest, most bullshit movies I've ever seen. The entire cast seems to be doing that, "look at us, we're ACTING WACKY!" kind of thing, where you don't feel they're in any way connected to their characters. And the cinematography looks like Greg Araki shot the whole thing after watching a "Hi Honey, I'm Home!" marathon.

I guess in it's favor is the fact that the two girls seem convincing enough as chicks who would make out. Not to, you know, stereotype or anything, but Clea Duvall is pretty dykey. She also really needs to wash her hair. And while I don't buy Natasha Lyonne as a girly girl who slowly comes to terms with her lesbianism, she does seem like exactly the kind of girl that would be a huge slut for a long time, then randomly fall into the loving embrace of a labia when she realizes what a whore she is.

Their big sex scene is like, way artsy and stupid. It would be kinda hot if the chicks in it weren't so fugly. But frankly I'm much more turned on by the scene in this movie where a gothed out Katharine Towne masturbates with a tazer.

B: In conclusion, I think I'd rather watch my Mom make out with Kim Bauer. Ugly girls should not find love.

Matthew Gilbert, Boston Globe says: "It's like LITTLE MONSTERS meets BENNY AND JOON! Holy shit, best movie ever."

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: Some Sappho.

Thanks for coming! See you in Heaven!

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