Webster's
Online Dictionary defines "lesbian" as:
1 : of or relating to Lesbos
2 : [from the reputed homosexual band associated with Sappho of
Lesbos] : of or relating to homosexuality between females
Webster's Online Thesaurus defines "lesbian"
as:
Thereby we discern two truths:
A) It is awesome that there is an island full of lesbos
2) Webster's Online Thesaurus is a hate monger
In conclusion, lesbians are a people of contrast.
Salma
Hayek and Jeanne Tripplehorn
Film: "Time Code" (2000)
She: Responsible for the twenty highest-grossing
films of all-time. Well, okay, except for Home Alone.
She: The perfect backup for a denim-clad ska band.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the worst joke ever.
B: "Time Code" simultaneously follows
the stories of a smitten lesbian lover and the goings-on of a Hollywood
production company by having four screens cataloguing the varying
actions in real time. This is a fantastic idea for people with attention
deficit disorder, people who think a character disappears and does
nothing whenever they are off screen, and for gamers who will only
pull themselves away from Mario Kart long enough to watch that one,
special movie. "Time Code" is, basically, the worst excuse
for a creative idea in the history of cinema. Puff Daddy covering
Kashmir was more creative. But the movie does have two things going
for it:
1) It stars Xander Berkeley, national hero and masculine role model
George Mason from the greatest show ever, "24."
2) It features the first Salma Hayek lesbian scene, in which she
tenderly kisses actress Jeanne Tripplehorn, most famous for being
bent over the couch and cornholed by Michael Douglas in "Basic
Instinct."
The scene itself is hot enough based on Salma Hayek alone. Hayek
could make out with almost any actress and have it qualify as hot.
And I'm not talking secondary cone hot, I'm talking Lithosphere
Magma Chamber hot.
Jeanne Tripplehorn is also an attractive enough lady, despite the
fact that Tripplehorns never play with Longnecks.
Emily: I remember thinking how cute it was that
Salma decided to stop doing shitty rom-coms and Robert Rodriguez
movies long enough to make a gimmick indie, assumedly because she
thought it'd make her legit. It didn't of course, but soon after
she realized that all she needed to buy legitimacy was a smartypants
thespian boyfriend willing to step in and rewrite every movie you're
in until somebody decides to give you an award. The result of said
pairing was, "Frida" which we've already covered. It does
however feature several other, hotter lesbian scenes. But it also
prominently features the Unibrow of DOOM. So, tit for tat, you know?
Oh shit, I forgot about Salma's pre-Time Code indie, "The Velocity
of Gary." It was pretty hit or miss, but generally better than
"The Heat of Gary."
I would agree with B that Salma Hayek making out with anyone equals
good ratings. But Tripplehorn is just really homely to me. She's
too squinty or something. I just can't get into lesbianism when
one of the female contributors reminds me of Mickey Rourke.
NBA's 52 Greatest
Moments Hosts say:
Bill: Welcome to "Rating the Lesbians"
volume 5, another in a series of never-ending looks at today's hottest
lesbian scenes! I'm Bill Walton, alongside future NBA superstar
Carmelo Anthony.
Carmelo: hallo how are you
Bill: I'm great! What do you think about Salma
Hayek? Her breasts are incredibly huge!
Carmelo: i wash myself with a rag on a stick
Bill: Swish!
The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 3 Sappho
Jane
Jensen and Debbie Rochon
Film: "Tromeo and Juliet" (1996)
She: It is the East, and she is the sun.
She: Thankfully not a naked Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD
Emily: When I was about 12 HBO used to show Troma
movies every Sunday night after midnight. For the uninitiated, Troma
is a film studio that revels in making the most crass, ridiculous,
low budget films they can, and everyone loves them. Head Troma honcho
Lloyd Kaufman is carrying on the Roger Corman philosophy of, "anyone
can make an enjoyable movie with blood, tits, and $12.50."
He also carries a lovely handbag.
Anyway, even though we didn't have HBO back then, I can remembered
watching the scrambled cable transmission in my room, trying desperately
to see the late night dirty movies. I still do this, even today.
One of my first introductions to the Troma universe was this movie.
It's an obvious send up of Romeo and Juliet, only with dueling Shakespearean
gangs replaced by gunslinging beach punks (though not of the Baz
Luhrmann, Hawaiian shirt-clad variety), and Juliet's nurse portrayed
as a butch and tattooed Hestor Molester. Later in the movie Juliet
is attacked by a giant penis puppet. It's a really good movie y'all.
The lesbian scene itself is pretty standard. Bad girl sits on good
girl's bed. Bad girl gets good girl to touch bad girl's boob. Passionless
making out ensues. Then again, it's hard to find anything sexy about
a girl with tattoos that bad. I generally like tattooed chicks,
but I just can't get into watching Bif Naked get it on.
B: I became a Troma connoisseur after discovering
the joys of The Toxic Avenger and pride myself on owning several
of Troma's finer films on DVD. In fact, making a feature-length
motion picture for Troma is one of my career goals, right alongside
becoming a best-selling author and naming my first daughter Bumblebee.
So before moving on I'll state officially that I love Troma dearly
and find things like Toxic Avenger forcing a guy's hands into a
vat of taco grease is both hilarious and legitimate cinema.
I'm also totally okay with the incest, rape, gruesome disfigurement,
and Stone Cold walking-a-mudhole-dry style spousal abuse featured
in Tromeo and Juliet. But I swear to God that a Penis Monster is
where I draw the God damned line.
Much like Jason Biggs pondering whether or not he can maintain wood
while watching Billy Crystal in the film "Loser," I come
to the harsh realization that no amount of tattooed girls making
out is going to keep my wiener bunned after seeing the Penis Monster.
I'm actually surprised that I didn't kill myself immediately after
the scene. It's like I'm at the end of fucking 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Like I'm Bill Buckner and the ground ball just rolled through my
fucking five hole. So no thank you. Let's move on to "Surf
Nazis Must Die" and forget this ever happened.
NBA's 52 Greatest Moments Hosts say:
Bill: I bet the only player who could stop the
Toxic Avenger would be Kareem Abdul-Jabber and his unstoppable sky
hook!
Carmelo: i bet you as old as the toxic avenger.
Bill: Oh why you!
Carmelo: *smiles mischeviously*
The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 0 Sappho
Ally
Sheedy and Patricia Clarkson
Film: "High Art" (1998)
She: Likes all that black shit.
She: Somehow managed to find Michael Clarke Duncan
in the darkness. That guy is so dark I'm shocked she could find
him in a dimly lit room.
Emily: I remember this movie was all subversive
and critically acclaimed. It was also supposed to be Ally "Maid
to Order" Sheedy's Pulp Fiction. The movie that propelled a
struggling star from a previous decade back into cultural relevance.
But I'm pretty sure Travolta is the only one to pull that off so
far. Remember what Sylvester Stallone's Pulp Fiction was? COPLAND.
And the only thing Sheedy's done since this movie is an ill-advised
theater run as Hedwig.
In this movie, Ally plays a drugged out, formerly famous photographer
who now just sits around her apartment getting high with her German
girlfriend, played by Herb Brooks' wife. Then, what luck! It just
so happens that Ally's new neighbor is the editor of a photography
magazine. She is played by the high waisted chick from Pitch Black.
So, when you're a drugged out has been, who is given the chance
to show off your art one more time, what's the natural reaction
on your part? Oh, right, to dyke out the nice girl down the hall
who's trying to help you. That's the winning entry.
The problem with this scene is that Ally Sheedy is ugly. She looks
like Jeremy Irons' sister spends too much time in the yoga studio.
I mean, I know she's supposed to be a drug addict and all, but I
like my superfluous lesbianism to happen between hot chicks, you
know? Fuck plot, I like titties.
B: The real question is whether or not Ally Sheedy
ever shook her pubis over a drawing of a mountain cabin to make
it snow.
NBA's 52 Greatest
Moments Hosts say:
Carmelo: yo judd nelson be all harsh in tha breakfast
club ya hurr
Bill: Carmelo, were you even ALIVE when "The
Breakfast Club" was released??
Carmelo: yup 1985 a year featuring lots of history
Bill: *nods approvingly*
The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 1.5 Sappho
Leila
Arcieri and Susan Ward
Film: "Wild Things 2" (2004)
She: Son of the Beach
She: Son of the Sunset Beach
B: I support Wild Things 2 and it's quest to set
the bar for direct to video soft-core porn by casting two of the
hottest women walking on the planet Solar System in roles that require
making out. Leila Arcieri hasn't done anything more challenging
than a role on Howard Stern's "Son of the Beach" unless
you count being D.L. Hughley's overzealous spy sidekick in a series
of long-distance phone call commercials. Susan Ward has the acting
ability of an unplugged curling iron. But push their boobs together
and you've got pure unadulterated magic. My name is B and I approve
this message.
Emily: Susan Ward is queen of the shitty movie
these days. She's got this one, her star vehicle "The In Crowd"
(in which she also made out with a girl). . . hell, one of her first
projects was even "Poison Ivy: The New Seduction." Which
we all know to be the hypotenuse in the Poison Ivy troika. If she
ever does a movie with that fetus faced guy who starred in "Cruel
Intentions 2" we'll have a straight-to-video nexus.
I can't say I've ever seen this movie, but I'll bet it's the closest
I'll ever get to seeing Kelly Clarkson make out with Scary Spice.
NBA's 52 Greatest
Moments Hosts say:
Bill: Yeah, you see, our whole schtick revolves
around either me deriding Carmelo for being so young or Carmelo
deriding me for being so old.
Carmelo: when my mama cook she use a schtick of
butter
Bill: Are you aware that your mother named you
after a candy bar?
The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 4.5 Sappho.
Catherine
Deneuve and Susan Sarandon
Film: "The Hunger" (1983)
She: The top of the fucking food chain.
She: Obsessive political views lead many to assume
she's a little touch-a touch-a touch-a touched.
Emily: There are three things about this movie
that should've made me, as a movie going consumer happy:
1) Girl Sex. It should be noted that this was back when I was completely
virginal and all gay sex seemed so taboo and weird, so I sought
it out whenever possible. It's the same reason I sat through so
many episodes of "Queer as Folk" before making piece with
the fact it's a terrible show.
2) Vampires. As is long established, for me to not enjoy a movie
about vampires, it has to be really really REALLY bad. Like, "Love
at First Bite" levels of bad. "Once Bitten" levels
of bad. "Dracula: Dead and Loving It" levels of. . . wait,
no, I liked that one.
3) David Bowie. I'm too fickle a music fan to claim any official
love of his work. I love what I've heard, of course. But I own a
copy of Ziggy Stardust that I've never listened to, and my favorite
song is his is probably his cover of "See Emily Play,"
because it has my name in it. I am, however, always please to see
my offiical and long standing old man crush show up in movies.
So I rented this with high hopes. Sadly, it didn't quite live up
to my expectations. First of all, Bowie's only really in it for
like 15 minutes before he gets covered in 50 pounds of old man makeup,
and then dies. The vampirism consists of like one scene in the beginning,
where victims are killed via STABBING while Bauhaus plays a concert.
The whole movie is just too '80s for my taste. Which brings me to
the lesbians. Look at the pictures. That's the gist of the scene
man. They build up to the sexy French vampire lady getting it on
with the demure big haired Susan Sarandon movie for most of the
film, and then when it gets to the good stuff, all we're given is
a far away picture of some bare ass hidden by big flowy curtains,
and then a money shot of Sarandon's hooters. I can see better lesbians
than that watching freakin' Big Brother. Too artsy.
B: Hungry? Grab a Snickers.
wait was I suppos
NBA's 52 Greatest
Moments Hosts say:
Carmelo: i scurred of vampires bill
Bill: There's nothing to be worried about, Carmelo!
Carmello: tell me more
Bill: A vampire can be stopped in a variety of
ways! Legend says a vampire can be stopped dead in his tracks by
garlic, a stake through the heart, or the icy finger roll of the
great George Gervin!
Carmelo: expound
Bill: That's basically what I had to say.
Carmelo: i see
The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 2 Sappho.
Jisela
Delgado and Lori Trespicio
Television Show: "The Real World" (season 10)
She: pronounced "Yee-sella"
She: pronounced "still convinced I can get
a record contract"
B: When "The Real World" started fourteen
seasons ago it was a sociology experiment, planting seven strangers
into a home and chronicling their every day lives, from where they
worked and slept to how they got along with others. The show progressed
logically for a few years until Pedro Zamora, a homosexual man living
with AIDS, appeared on the show. So simple cause and effect can
explain how the struggle of a loving man against a horrible sexually
transmitted disease would evolve into today's seasons of "The
Real World," in which producers pick the hottest five or six
white people they can, put them in the house with a minority or
two, and then watch them all fuck.
In this season ten scene, house and bottom-dweller "Lori"
makes out with Road Rules cast member "Jisela." It's a
result of a "pre-Hamptons spin the bottle" game. It's
all in the name of youth and impulsive fun, one where Jisela is
labeled a "free spirit" because she likes to have sex
with as many people as possible. I saw and remember fondly the TV
show "Free Spirit." It was about a witch doing pro-bono
work for a mortal family. Her name was Winnie and it was cute. Never
once did Winnie twitch her nose to turn a gaping vagina into the
crotch-embodiment of fucking Speed Stick. I vote for a price tag
on Jisela, both to establish some class in her otherwise nonlinear
beaner lifestyle and so I'll know how much money I have to pay to
have sex with her.
And I hope Lori burns in Hell for badly covering a Sarah McLachlan
song to express how much she'll miss her classmates. Actually, I
hope I die and go there first so I can establish a new kind of punching
Hell for Lori. Even if I eat not but burning hot coals and drink
not but burning hot cola for eternity I'll do so happily with the
knowledge that somewhere off to the right Lori is being punched
as hard as possible by one of regular Hell's angsty temp workers.
I give this scene three out of four stars because sluts are usually
interesting people.
Emily: A few points about this moment, and Real
World Lesbianism in general:
1) This is not nearly as cool as when skeezy Kaia made out with
drunk but cute Ruthie in Hawaii.
2) I think B is betraying his Bunim-Murray allegiances by doing
a lesbian spot and not making even one Genesis reference.
3) We chose this over one of the many Trishelle moments from the
Las Vegas season because, honestly, who really liked Trishelle?
I think she's the exception that proves B's interesting sluts rule.
That girl was just void of any humanity or personality. She's like
a fembot. She just exists in nothingness until her Hair Gel and
Polo Shirt radar goes off, then her vagina starts to secrete until
she's mounted someone to satisfy the urges. Or maybe Trishelle was
trapped on some other, "Battle Royale"esque reality show
inside her reality show. It's pretty funny to think of her running
around the casino trying to fuck a fuck mate so her necklace doesn't
start beeping and her head explodes. I wish her head had exploded.
Then maybe we wouldn't have had to suffer through her sticking her
tongue down the throat of The Miz.
4) Jisela sucks because she was mean to Malik.
5) Lori sucks more because she had saggy piggy tails.
NBA's 52 Greatest
Moments Hosts say:
Bill: You know, Carmelo, in the "real world"
people like you and me have to work for a living! That's why we
pratice so hard day in and day out!
Carmelo: i twenty years oad an i so rich, i can
buy body parts, make my own bill walton, make him outta gold
Bill: Playing God!
Carmelo: you mean playing michael jordan he win
many games with his skills
Bill: Here is another twenty minutes of the same
Michael Jordan highlights!
The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 2.5 Sappho.
Kim Director
and Erica Leerhsen
Film:
"Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2" (2000)
She: Loved by only me and Spike Lee
She: Used the secret of ESREVER to discover that
YAG YTTERP SI NACCIW A GNIEB
B: The first "Blair Witch Project" film
is one of the most successful independent films of all-time, making
hundreds of millions of dollars from nothing more than creativity
and word of mouth on a budget composed of a bottle of water and
a piece of string. It told the supposedly true story of kids who
go off into the woods, get lost, and get murdered by an unseen source,
presumed to be said witch. For the sequel the creators (and the
movie studio) went balls to the wall with a bigger budget, high-octane
jittery special effects, and a soundtrack made up of Marilyn Manson
and fifteen other nu-metal bands going ROOOOOOIIIIIIIIT. Almost
every single person on God's Green Name hated it.
Everyone but me. I loved it. Color me fucked but I thought it was
entertaining. It's full of bad acting and hilarious line delivery
(including one of my favorite lines ever: "She's the fucking
WITCH, man! Casting fucking SPELLS!"). It's about as scary
as a morning shower and breakfast, but as big as freighters go it
was bigger than most.
The story follows a group of stereotypes (crazy guy, Goth girl,
Wiccan girl, and paranoid couple) and their trip into the woods
of Maryland (Manson) to find the ROOOOOOIIIT truth behind the Blair
Witch myth. As a plot it's a bigger wreck than that of Edmund Fitzgerald,
but the centerpiece is a mysterious video tape depicting the events
that took place during missing hours of the night. Chicks eat owls,
people get stabbed in the crotch, it's a fun time. And somewhere
in the middle the two stereotypically slutty varieties of chick
(Goth and Wiccan) decide to make out.
You can't really see anything and the jump cut removes all the sexy
before the genitals are whipped out. But what makes this special
for me is that it involves Kim Director (the Goth girl). Kim makes
my heart go pitter patter for a variety of reasons. I love Goth
girls. I've loved Goth girls. She's so pale white that she's almost
transparent, and if I can project an overhead on the kind of girls
I like its often marked by transparency.
Emily: I made B screen this for me, 'cause I'm
a faux Goth chick myself who enjoys any shitty movie about Wiccans
almost as much as any shitty movie about vampires. Then again, I'm
the kind of girl who watches a movie like this only to try and pick
up some eyeshadow tricks from the girl in the graveyard.
It's an odd experience, screening with your boyfriend a movie you
know he enjoys largely because of the cute alty girls getting naked
and kissing each other. Then again, I do these articles with him,
so I can feel comfortable sitting beside him on the futon while
he tries to screencap two seconds of Kim Director's bra. It's a
nice bra, with nice boobs in it. And the Wiccan chick kind of looks
like Red T.a.T.u. So, frankly I think I would've liked this movie
more if they'd put in more making out, and less gross miscarriage
footage. As it stands, I've gotta give this one a thumbs down. But
I can sit comfortably in the knowledge that Spike Lee has cast Ms.
Director in his next, lesbian-centric movie, and hope for the best.
For my boy.
NBA's 52 Greatest
Moments Hosts say:
Carmelo: hay if you go in the woods at night you
run into blair witch?
Bill: That's precisely what they'd have you to
believe, Carmelo! The Blair Witch preys on the young and confused!
Carmelo: i know what i do if blair witch come after
me
Bill: Carmelo, with your penchant for confusion
I doubt you could outsmart a glued arrangement of sticks.
Carmello: shut
up and jam
The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 4 Sappho.
Susan
Lynch and Estelle Skornik
Film: "From Hell" (2001)
She: From Hell.
She: From France.
Emily: Oi. Paid me a sixpence to watch this movie
'bout Jack the Ripper, I did. But the bloomin' piktah be full of
these doggy bang tails havin' a go at each otha. I want me tuppins
back. Oi.
B: DUE RIGHT M8. One of the reasons I'm sure God
exists is the fact that I wasn't born in a time where everyone talks
like a retard. Yes sir, I was born right here in the Bible Belt
of the good old U.S. of A., where NASCAR-capped cracker assholes
and black-faced, black Yankee-capped black blacks are triumphantly
unified by their immaculate grasp of the English language.
Expanding on this principle, I find this lesbian scene to be very
hot, because the movie "From Hell" was so unremarkable
that only by physically setting myself on fire in the theater during
it would I remember it. In fact, the only thing I can remember is
Johnny Depp doing drugs, and that could have been during, before,
or after any movie he's ever made. Oh, wait, I also remember how
out of place Heather Graham seemed, both in style and substance.
Here's a fun game to play when watching "From Hell:" when
all of the English and French prostitutes are on screen at the same
time, try to pick out which one is the lead actress.
Another fun game in these post 9-11 times is to refer to them as
"Freedom Whores."
NBA's 52 Greatest
Moments Hosts say:
Carmelo: you know what they say abo
Bill: sssssh, quiet, I'm trying to jam!
Carmelo: but
Bill: I insist on complete silence whilst "jamming."
Carmelo: but i
Bill: No noise can be present if I hope to complete
the slam dunk.
Carmelo: but you
Bill: I will attempt to create an airtight vaccum
in this studio that will allow me to jam without any dialogue.
Carmelo: but bill your tie is on fire!!!
Bill: oooooh!!!!!!
The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 0.5 Sappho
Carmen
Electra and Amy Smart
Film: "Starsky and Hutch" (2004)
She: Makes me think "death" isn't the
only thing she'll part for.
She: More like Amy Stupid
B: The original television show "Starsky and
Hutch" starred Paul Michael Glaser and David Soul as two streetwise
cops who bust criminals in their red and white Ford Torino. The
2004 film version of "Starsky and Hutch" starred Ben Stiller
and Owen Wilson as disingenuous assholes who can't make a serious
homage to anything without assing it up with self-aware gags about
the seventies and overexaggerated karate moves.
Dammit, you know, I loved "The Brady Bunch Movie" and
found it entertaining as both a parody and a tribute to the original
show. It was well-meaning and celebrated what we all remember liking
and laughing about. Here's the important thing, though: The Brady
Bunch was a COMEDY. Starsky and Hutch wasn't a comedy. For some
reason the cast of Zoolander decided that it needed dick jokes and
faggot humor to make people enjoy it. The Dukes of Hazzard wasn't
a comedy. But that's not stopping Ashton Kutcher and Jessica Simpson
from jamming the searing hot poker of insincere crap-stabbing into
the show's butthole. Hollywood, if you're reading this, stop now.
Remembering how stupid a decade past is fine. Most decades ARE stupid.
But if the only thing you give us in THIS decade is a bunch of shitty,
snotty sarcasm about things we've barely even experienced, how will
we look back on THIS? Will there be a "Best Week Ever"
movie played off as a gripping drama? Is that the nostalgia we have
to look forward to?
Fuck, why are we looking forward to nostalgia?
It doesn't really matter. All I can do is cling to the things that
are good now (Nellie McKay, Wes Anderson movies, heavyweight champion
Chris Benoit) and pretend like I don't remember loving anything
else before them. Does a threesome between Dave Navarro's sloppy
three-hundred twenty-seconds and the C-level version of a B-level
Tara Reid HURT a buddy-cop movie? Who cares. I'm not going to write
anymore because I'm late for my screening of Dodgeball.
JOANIE LOVES CHACHI!
ROLF
Emily: I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
NBA's 52 Greatest
Moments Hosts say:
Bill: Did you ever find Larry Johnson attractive
when he put on a dress and played Gran-Mama?
Carmelo: no
Carmelo: *laughing*
no!
Bill: Neither did I. I was just asking.
The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 2 Sappho.
Mia Kirshner
and Beverly Polcyn
Film:
"Not Another Teen Movie" (2001)
She: Almost killed President David Palmer with
a well-placed handshake.
She: Almost killed when she fell down and couldn't
get up.
Emily: Let's not mince words here. This scene is
horrifying. It's not sexy, nor was it intended to be anything other
than gross out funny. A teenage girl cartoonishly making out with
an elderly woman. Call me a bitchy 22 year old, but old people sex,
or any variation/implication thereof, is nasty and wrong. Like,
that phone commercial that ends with fucking Hume Cronen grinding
his crotch into Jessica Tandy? Ew.
Wait, in the middle of that sentence I wandered into "Cocoon."
For that matter, we've made fun of this scene in two previous Rating
the Lesbians. So, why would we choose to include this scene on our
list when, pretensions of social critique or not, these posts are
just ploys for cheap hits? Because after five of these posts, we
(or 1, really) have decided to bestow upon Mia Kirshner the 1st
Annual \
Progressive
Boink Faux-Lesbian
Lifetime Achievement Award
I wanted to make up a
cute little banner in photoshop, but I'm no good at that stuff,
so you get an animated gif instead. Here's another one.
Mia's been given this
prestigious honor for not only appearing in a record three RTLs,
but for also sticking her tongue in a vagina in like ten or twelve
other projects we haven't gotten around to making fun of yet. So,
Mia, Brandon and I salute you. You've served your country well,
going above and beyond the call of duty. Most actresses only feel
the need to fake make out in one movie, maybe two. But not you.
You've done more for the world of Forced Female-on-Female Interaction
That Serves Only the Male Audience While Giving a False Impression
of Homosexuality than almost anyone else. So you keep making those
shitty movies. You keep making your Dyke as Folk TV show. You get
three snaps in a Z formation from us, Mia Kirshner. Three snaps.
Three.
B: Since Emily has taken all the good jokes (although
I probably would've chosen "Queer Vagina for the Straight Guh-gina"
over "Dyke as Folk") I'll use this space and it's vague
association with old people to express my distaste for the proliferation
of the term "MILF."
Thanks to the success of the American Pie film franchise, the term
"MILF," or, "Mom I'd Like to Fuck," has joined
the ranks of "OH BEHAVE" and "Fo' Shizzle my Nizzle"
as formerly hip and moderately funny cultural buzzphrases that have
been driven deep into the ground with a force akin to an asteroid
the size of Texas striking our planet. An asteroid the size of SPACE
TEXAS.
A "MILF" is ideally a woman who has birthed a child but
is still sexually desirable. The current definition of "MILF"
more accurately describes any woman who is old but not ugly. Kylie
Minogue is routinely called a "MILF." She's 35 years old
and has no children. Sure, I'd like to fuck her, but I don't see
why it's necessary to denote her as a mother before doing so. So
how about this: If we can't eliminate MILF completely, can we at
least have some more specific criteria? It ends up being like VH1
when they celebrated Mariah Carey during Black History Month. Or
people calling Larry the Cable Guy funny. I don't care who are you,
that guy is not funny right there.
And to clarify, "Space Texas" looks just like regular
Texas, only covered in chrome.
NBA's 52 Greatest
Moments Hosts say:
Bill: That's it for us, folks! We hope you enjoyed
"Rating the Lesbians" volume 5 and our unique insight
to the sport. Carmelo, what did you think of the lesbians?
Carmelo: biologically,
people are born with a predisposition to be gay or lesbian.
like i was born with a predisposition for basketball. an for doin'
a girl in they butt so hard that they butt open up and they butt
gotta be sewed back shut.
Bill: That's horrific! Were you even BORN when
people were born with a predisposition to be gay or lesbian??
Carmelo: no but you born when moses be born
Bill: Ha! Touché, my friend. For Carmelo Anthony,
I'm Bill Walton, goodnight!
The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: Negative 5 Sappho
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