The
Craft
Wiccans
with the Blue Box Blues
written by Emily on January 27th - 2004
(Courtesy of
kidsdomain.com)
Egg Carton Spiders
What You'll Need:
Black paint "
Paint brush
Egg carton
Scissors
Awl or small phillips head screwdriver
Black chenille stems
Wire cutters
Wiggle eyes
Glue
How to Make It:
Note: Precut the carton and prepare the holes
ahead of time for classroom use.
1. Cut the egg carton apart into little cups/sections.
2. Using the awl or screwdriver make 8 holes in the bottom edge
of each section for the legs.
3. Paint the egg carton section with black paint. Let dry.
4. Cut the chenille stems in half.
5. Push the chenille stem in one side of the section and out the
opposite side. Bend down the legs.
6. Repeat for each of the legs.
7. Glue on wiggle eyes.
Halloween crafts like
these are nothing new. Found not just in elementary school
classrooms, man's desire to make crap out of popsicle sticks and
googly eyes dates back to the druids who, in honor of their dead,
stuffed long white robes full of hay and set them on their front
porch. Today, the art of the halloween craft spans country and
culture alike. In Mexico, skulls are made out of sugar to
celebrate El Dia De Los Meurtos, and in Canada it's common for
girls with dyed hair to cut themselves and write letters to their
scawny boyfriends in their own blood. Then they watch hockey.
HEY GUYS I MADE A HILARIOUS OBSERVATION ABOUT THE PEOPLE
OF CANADA AND THEIR RECREATIONAL HABITS, DID YA SEE? READ IT
AGAIN!
Sometimes a person wants to make a Halloween craft that really
goes that extra mile. When I was was in the third grade, I
decided to make personalized valentines for everyone in my class.
I spent an entire evening glueing red construction paper onto
white doilies, and then drawing a special picture on each, one
for every person in my class. That's not related at all, but
pretend I was talking about bats or some shit. Oh wait, on second
thought, when I was in the third grade I also won a pumpkin
decorating contest, that's closer to topic. The pumpkin was named
Pierre. I was good at being a little kid.
One day, movie producer Douglas Wick decided that he wanted to
make a really great Halloween craft. Something that would really
blow the folks in Peoria away, out Jones the Joneses. He wanted
something that would incorporate all of the things that make
Halloween so great; magic, the supernatural, chicanery, hijinks,
tomfoolery, and just a pinch of Christianity mocking. Then it hit
him. "Hell," he thought. "I'm a movie producer,
I'll make a damn movie!" Then he took off his big cowboy hat
and puffed on his stogie. 'Cause in my head every movie producer
is Barry Corbin. Armed with nothing but fists full of money and a
desire to make the best movie he possibly could, Doug ran out and
hired the writer of "Flatliners," and the director of
"Threesome." That last movie, for those of you not up
on your early '90's cinema, is a movie about that guy who works
at Clown Burger wanting to have sex with a lower level Baldwin
brother. After procuring his "dream team," Doug felt
confident that he was ready to make a movie that would really
knock your socks off! And what was that movie called? Well. . .
nautrally. . . .
Before I start, I should say something. Obviously, this movie is about witchcraft/Wicca/paganism. This isn't really the forum to discuss the ins and out of "earth-based" religions, because I doubt most of our P-boi viewing audience cares. They just clicked this link hoping it would take them to the Oregon Trail post. Also, though I would hardly classify myself as a Wiccan, and though I'm not exactly out there doing rituals or anthing of that sort, I have more than a vested interest in all of the pagan religions, if only from a philosophical standpoint. That being said, this movie, despite being the catalyst for every other girl in your high school buying a pentagram choker and lighting some candles on the sabbats, is a complete bastardization of everything it supposedly represents. So, again with the knowledge that no one cares, I'm taking it upon myself to point out some of the fallacies, carefully broken down by character. PS I just spent three minutes giggling about the word "fallacies." 'Cause it reminds me of "phalluses." And I'm five. On with the show!
The Bitches of Eastwick
Goth girls are such a NOOSE-ance!
Rachel
True
Character: Rochelle
Distinguishing Characteristics: Token Ethnic
Witch. Member of the school diving team
Sub-plot/Spell:
Okay, I should explain. In this movie, there are four girls, who
form a coven. Each one of them has their own particular
story/reason to be pissy, which leads into the particular type of
magic she chooses to do when they figure out that spending all
your time with chicks results in more than just coinciding
menstrual cycles. Rochelle, as the Black Girl, is a victim of
racism, despite going to private school and livng in a huge
house. Her Racial Oppression is represented most vividly by Excellent Tertiary Character #1,
Laura Lizzie,
played by Christine Taylor. B would like to make sure you've all
clicked that link, and then asks that you genuflect on why Ben
Stiller gets to fuck Melody from "Hey Dude." Anyway,
Laura really serves no purpose in the movie except to be blonde
and pretty, and to speak one of the greatest lines in the history
of cinema:
Rochelle (upon hearing some random insensitive
comment from Laura): Why are you doing this?
Laura: You really want to know?
Rochelle: YES, I really want to know.
Laura: Because I don't like Negroids.
Golden. After that, Rochelle decides to take out all of her Black
Rage on poor WASPy Laura, and goes and makes all of her hair fall out.
Most memorable scene: Rochelle stands on the
high dive for like, ten minutes. When she finally attempts her
dive, Laura, pointlessly, yells, "Shark!" Rochelle
totally fucks her shit up.
TROINLAYVEN
What they got wrong: Okay, anyone with even a modicum of interest in Wicca knows that one of their big, fuck-off rules is that any energy, good or bad, comes back to you times three. For that reason, you're not supposed go randomly making people's hair fall out, it's not kosher. Hell, this point is brought up in the movie. I suppose the idea is that these chicks don't really know what they're doing, so they fuck things up, but still. . . you suddenly find yourself imbibed with magic powers, and you use them to make a white girl's hair fall out? Guh? Also, what's up with Christine Taylor's odd trend of always losing her hair in her acting roles?
Now I'll never be a teen model.
Neve
Campbell
Character: (I'm a-name her) Bonnie.
Distinguishing characteristics: Introverted and
mousy, with scars covering a large portion of her body. The Ugly
One.
Sub-plot/Spell: You know those girls who are really repressed and shy when they're younger? And then when someone finally breaks through that shell/pops that cherry, they turn into a complete slut and think about nothing but sex all the time? I do, because I kind of was one of those girls. Anyway, that's Bonnie. She spends the first half of the film all greasy, cowering behind a large textbook. Then she does some chanting and has some shit rubbed on her back, and all of the sudden her disfigurment flakes off like a sunburn. Then she spends the rest of the movie wearing unbelievably ugly clothes and acting like a ho.
Most memorable scene:
"Manon, take my scars. Take my scars. Take my scars
*whimper, snort*. Take my scars *sniffle, attempt to emote*.
Takemyscarstakemyscarstakemyscarstakemyscarstakemyscarstakemyscarstakemyscarstakemyscarstakemyscars."
What they got wrong:
"Manon." Say what? Okay, I'm going to assume that what
the girls in "The Craft" are practicing is Wicca. In
Wicca, there is normally a Goddess and God worshiped. While there
is some discrepancy among different sects about what these
dieties are called, many times, "The God" or "The
Goddess" suffices. However, NOWHERE have I ever heard the
name "Manon" spoken, and certainly not as the official
creator of all things. And, in point of fact, it's well
documented that Wicca, as well as most modern day natural
religions, are matritheistic. It's is the Goddess who imbibes
life into all things, and her male counterpart is just that.
Think of it this way: The Goddess is the Queen of Hearts from
Alice and Wonderland, and the God is the tiny little sniveling
King that just cowers behind his woman and does what she says.
And people wonder why so many directionless teens are attracted
to this stuff.
A large portion of all Pagan faiths can be summed up with this
quote from the film: "If God and the Devil were playing
football, Manon would be the stadium that they played on." A
pretty profound thought, huh? That we as humans should worship
the earth that replenishes us, rather than image of what created
it. So why was it necessary to make up a diety?
Robin Tunney
Character:
Sarah
Distinguishing characteristics: Considerably
more akward and homely than the other three (yes, that includes
Fairuza), Sarah is the "new girl,"(You can tell she's
new, 'cause in that picture she's having the first day of school
talk in the car with her dad.) who comes to hang out with the
"weirdos" when she's dicked over by Football Stud Skeet Ulrich (more on him later). She's also
referred to as a "natural witch" by Excellent Teritary Character #2,
Magic Store Lady,
played be Assumpta Surna. I assumpta that that's just a stage
name, 'cause I have to make the obvious jokes sometimes.
Sub-plot/Spell:
Okay, Sarah's new in school right? She meets up with Skeet, he
takes her out, they make out a little, but then she shuts him
down when he wants to take her home and fuck her. So this HIGH
SCHOOL GUY, who has known this chick for all of TWO DAYS and
already gotten some action, rather than assuming she'll put out
if he just takes her out a couple of other times, just gives up
entirely and decides to tell the entire school that she's a bad
lay. I'm sorry, I know I didn't get much action in high school,
but I'm pretty sure most guys will give any given piece of ass at
least a week to spread 'em before getting that she's a cock-tease
and ruining her reputation. Maybe things are different in
Catholic school.
Anyway, Sarah confronts Skeet and he makes this face. Then she gets made fun of by Skeet's friend, Excellent Tertiary Character #3,
Dickhead Buddy.
It should be noted that Dickhead Buddy is played by Breckin Meyer
who, between blowing the Birkenstock family fortune on pot and
asking if anyone ordered a Love Burger (well done), has secured
his place as one of our generation's pop culture heroes. After
getting blown off by Skeet, Sarah hooks up with the other three
Raiders of the Lost Hot Topic, and they do some shit. Sarah
decides she wants to make Skeet love her, which is most girl's
reaction when a guy tells everyone you know that you're bad at
sex. Skeet plays Sarah's Boyfriend Zombie for a while, then flips
the fuck out and tries to take a dump on her.
Most
memorable scene: After Skeet's unfortunate mounting
attempt, Sarah runs off and tells all her other witches what
happened. Nancy (who I'll get to in a minute), who's been more
than a little crazy for a while now, decides to accost Chris at
one of those really huge crazy parties that everyone seems to
have in movie high school. When I was in high school our parties
usually involved us getting together, then trying unsuccessfully
to track down someone with an older brother who'd buy us alcohol.
Maybe things are different in Catholic school. Nancy find's
Skeet's Drunk Ass at said party, and tries to fuck him. He
rejects her ('cause she's mad skanky), so she punches herself in
the head a couple of times, then uses THE POWER OF
GREYSKULL MANON to make herself look like Sarah. Skeet
makes this face, then she climbs on top of him and they go at it.
'Cause when you're drunk you don't worry about such matters as
people changing faces. After like a second, the real Sarah shows
up, Skeet is naturally pretty weirded out, but before he has a
chance to tell anyone what happened, Nancy starts
Jesse-Spano-on-Dexatrimming all over the place, and poor,
unfortunate Skeet meets with a quick end.
Guess her momma didn't like him playin' the foozball.
This particular scene doesn't actually include much Sarah. But she sucks, so I included more CrazyFairuza.
What they got wrong: All right, before I get an e-mail, let me state that I do understand the concept of Dramatic Exaggeration. That being said, even pagans who regularly practice ritual don't expect immediate life altering results two seconds after a spell has been cast. Love Potion #9 isn't real, y'all. First of all, almost anyone who seriously practices the religion would encourage you to stay away from "love spells." But even if you did try one, it wouldn't make the object of your affection turn into a Crazy Eyed pseudo-rapist. Furthermore, though I admit to not being any kind of expert, I don't recall having ever read about practioners of witchcraft who slide around on their tippy toes and make student athletes fly out of windows.
Fairuza Balk
Character:
Nancy
Distinguishing characteristics: The only on who
seems to have gotten the memo that, in movies, witches are
supposed to look like the Undead Army of Ybor City. Nancy is also
the leader of the group and, as dictated by her eye makeup, the
one who goes completely batshit and has to be usurped by Sarah.
Sub-plot/Spell: This is a little less cut-and-paste than the other three girls. Basically, Fancy*strikethrough*Nancy is poor white trash (which leaves a bit of a loophole about how she gets to attend the private school with three rich girls who live in mansions. She desires to not be poor white trash any longer, while at the same time kind of losing her sanity and trying to become the most powerful witch she can be. So the only real sub-plot she's given is that she's got an alcholic mother and fat sweaty stepfather. And she's also kind of looney. So at some point, DrunkMom gets to sassy with BadDad, and decides to give her one of those really dumb exaggerated "back of my hand" gestures so she knows she's not too old to take a beating from daddy. Fairuza makes a Jack Skellington face, and BadDad has a heart attack and dies.
The night the lights went out in Georgia
After that, Nancy and DrunkMom come into some money and move to a nice apartment. Nancy spends the rest of the movie devolving from CrazyFairuza to EvenMoreCrazyNowWithExtraAddedEvilAsSeenOnTVFairuza.
Most memorable scene: Oh, there are so many. Really, I've been asked many a time how I could possibly love a movie as blatantly bad as this one. And though I've never really been able to answer before, I've gotta go with CrazyFairuza as the reason. The other three actresses go through the whole movie looking like they have vitamin deficiencies, but Fairuza seems to know her role. She gives it her all, she does. And though I wouldn't call the result "good" or even "mildly indicitive of talent," it's certainly entertaining. So yeah, a memorable scene. Okay, how 'bout this one? After the Good Witch (Sarah) and the Bad Witch (Nancy) finally square off in the big climactic sequence, Nancy is defeated and all is restored to normal. Sarah goes back to being the quite suicidal girl in the back of the room, and Rochelle and Bonnie go back to being cunts with nothign useful to do with their time. Then it cuts to Nancy, who's been sent to an institution. Fairuza, nothing if not dedicated to her character to the bitter end, leaves us with this enduring image of her performance.
What they got wrong: Dude, anyone who watched "Blair Witch 2:Book of Shadows" knows that Wiccans have long curly hair and wear earth tones. The goth chicks are too busy buying sex toys to worry about casting a circle. Also, remember this: If you've got one of each in the same room, they're bound to make out eventually.
Portions
of the plot I failed to mention (a pictorial phantasma)
For those of you who haven't seen the movie, see if you can guess
what's going on based on these. . .
So, this Halloween
season, when you're sitting at home watching Dr. Phil and your
seven year old comes home with with a little ghost he made out of
a tissue, a pipcleaner and an empty toilet paper roll, try not to
berate him for filling up your house with stupid gawdy crap and
only being good for the checks you get from his daddy every
month. Be easy on the little fella. He could grow up to be the
next Producer Douglas Wick.
. . . you guys wanna see my Halloween craft?
The Craft Kraft Craft
Emily
Imsophiapetrillo@yahoo.com
Aim: Roxymoron87
