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Rating
the Lesbians, Volume 6 Volume 1 :: Volume 2 :: Volume 3 :: Volume 4 :: Volume 5 :: Volume 6 :: Volume 7 |
Okay, so, my original plan for an article this week was to do a dramatization in verse of the murder of David Duchovny at Canterbury and call it "Mulder in the Cathedral." This post was going to be my baby. So I'm writing it, and I get to the part where Mulder tells Scully about the cathedral, and she questions him on how a cathedral could possibly exist in the realm of science, when this guy, I don't know who he was, just runs up and blasts me in the back with a steel chair. I fall forward into my computer monitor and everything gets knocked into the floor. Now my computer is in the shop and there's only a 50/50 chance that my awesome "T. S.- Files" opus will survive. And I only have one man to blame. Oh, and since I figured out how to hook America Online 9.0 up to some old lady's heart monitor here at the hospital, here's Rating the Lesbians, volume 6. The only problem is that AOL sucks and keeps crashing, so I've got to put up with reboots and fidgeting old maid every twenty minutes. So sorry if the post cuts off in the middle somewhere. Mena Suvari and Lauren Ambrose
Television Show: "Six
Feet Under," (2004) Emily: You know, I hate being right. Well no, that's not entirely true. I generally enjoy being right. Makes me feel good about myself. I'm not sure where that expression came from, as I'm not sure why anyone wouldn't enjoy being right, unless for some reason they were named Cassandra. WHOO, Greek mythology humor! Anyway, the point that I'm quickly meandering away from, is that sometimes society, culture, what have you, become so damned predictable and sure-fire, that in our complete lack of surprise being right isn't fun anymore. Take our "Rating the Lesbians" series, for starters. B and I wrote the first of these posts months ago, in an attempt to poke fun at popular culture's current obsession with lesbianism, while at the same time ironically utilizing the trend to bring hits to our website. It, of course, worked like gangbusters, and something that began as a joke is now this towering inescapable behemoth that refuses to die. We can't stop doing "Rating the Lesbians" because society won't stop giving us material to work with. And while I do, often times, feel like I'm part of the problem when we shamelessly exploit the women in these posts (as well as our readership), the fact remains that young actresses as a group refuse to stop exploiting themselves in a cheap effort to legitimize themselves. Playing gay is the new "hooker with a heart of gold" role. There's a reason we avoid cheap late night pay cable flicks like, "Sex Creature 3: The Vagination." It's because main stream, so-called respectable films and television shows keep us in a never-ending stream of this shit. Hell, we're on RTL number six now, and we've not even bothered with "The L Word" yet. Which brings me back to my original point. About a month or so ago, B and I were watching a bit of the old Conan O'Brien. His guest was Mena Suvari. She was there to promote the fact that she'd recently joined the cast of "Six Feet Under." She showed a minute long clip of herself and series regular Ambrose talking about art, or something. I immediately looked at B and said, "they're going to be making out within six episodes." And of course, I was right. Because you can't just have two girls who randomly meet and become friends on TV anymore. Especially two girls who attend an art school. No, there must be making out. Why? Because we've reached a point where female friendship isn't even feasible. We're so preprogrammed to expect the unnecessary romance angle, that every time a woman on TV meets and befriends another woman outside the set inner circle we're already familiar with, the only possible explanation is that an otherwise straight girl has a sudden unexplainable desire to see the other gal's pink and moisties. That being said, I think Ambrose and Suvari are both cutie pies, so I enjoyed watching them make out. I hate myself. B: I keep thinking that Lauren Ambrose should torch her pants with a Zippo and make jokes about her "Burnside." I am all for the two cute girls in this situation tonguing orifice on television shows I cannot afford as long as there is no nudity involved. Mena Suvari's nipples are hideous saucer-like protrusions of discolored flesh that look like Kif from "Futurama's" eyeballs. Every now and then Mena Suvari is stepping out of the shower and BOOM, an extreme skydiver lands directly in the center of her boob and pumps his fist. Everyone on "Six Feet Under" is eventually going to be gay. Alan Ball demands it. Alan Ball making something where being gay doesn't end up being the point is like James Toback making a movie where humping on a rock doesn't end up being the point. Gene Snitsky, commenting on the accusation that he has killed this scene:
Hey, let me tell you something, I had nothing to do with this scene. It wasn't MY FAULT! I had a job to do, and that job was to go out there and watch two chicks make out. Any more questions??? The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 4 Sappho.
Elisha Cuthbert and Donna Bullock
Film: "The
Girl Next Door" (2004) Emily: In this scene, a young man with a crush on his porn star neighbor, has a dream sequence in which said neighbor makes out with his mom and gives his dad a blow job. Not that any of you were necessarily going to get any enjoyment out of this scene anyway, but I wanted to make it certain that you didn't. At one point I felt kind of bad for Elisha Cuthbert. I mean, she's hated by a nation for being the weak link character on a really good TV show. Which isn't necessarily her fault. I don't think the writing staff was trying to write Kim Bauer as a ass kicking super genius, and she was on their jock insisting she should have a subplot about a Bad Dad and a mountain cat. She just got saddled with some shit. You can't blame her. I mean, she is still on the greatest show on TV, she just has a crappy character. But the, what is the first thing Elisha does when her fame is (somewhat) great enough for her to headline her own movie? She takes a role that requires nothing of her but physical beauty, playing a porn star, and then refuses to get naked. Like, honey, you obviously know you're just a nice body, so why cockblock your fan base by showing nothing but your naked back? It doesn't make any sense to me. Also, guy who wrote/directed "The Girl Next Door"? I don't think the Lesbians=ratings formula really works when one of your participants looks like a homeroom mom. Just sayin'. B: I'm running out of ways to express myself about Elisha Cuthbert. She's on my favorite television show, "24." She plays the most annoying and tritely brain-punting character on the show. She has one of the most incredible natural bodies I've ever seen. She has bright blonde hair and dark black eyebrows, which is as sexually appealing to me as jamming straightened-out staples into my urethra. I want to see her and I don't. I want to touch her, but I know that if I did I would want to biel her onto thumbtacks. So what new can I say about Elisha Cuthbert besides "she makes me want to punch my boner?" She has a pet named Elisha Dogbert? There we go. Gene Snitsky, commenting on the accusation that he has killed this scene:
Why does Dilbert's tie look like it's blowing in the wind even when it's standing still? Let me tell you something, JR. That's NOT MY FAULT. Maybe you oughta think of each panel of Dilbert as a snapshot of his daily life. Maybe it's windy in his office or he's in constant motion. He's got a job to do, and he does it. WELL. The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 2.5 Sappho.
Christine Taylor and Scarlett Chorvak
Film: "Dodgeball:
A True Underdog Story" (2004) B: When I die, whenever that may be, I may have learned the mysteries of the human brain, the intricacies of death, and the meaning of my own life. But I am fairly certain that I will never understand how of all the people in the entire world it was Ben Stiller who married Melody from Hey Dude. I always thought *I* would be the one to marry Melody from Hey Dude. Or at least Ted. He was the dude ranch's resident bad boy. But I think underneath he had a heart of gold! Melody was my second big childhood crush, right after Julie the alter-leaving babysitter from "Growing Pains." I still remember the episode where she got a chance to try out for the Olympic swim team because the coach saw her swimming at the Bar None. I was only ten at the time, but it was the closest I'd come to masturbating to Nickelodeon since the episode of "Maya the Bee" where Maya transferred pollen from her anther to the stigma of a plant. That, and that one "David the Gnome" episode where they wouldn't stop buttfucking each other. Ben Stiller is not only a cultural joke and a means of entertainment for middle-of-the-road boring people who think they've got a great sense of humor, but he also looks like Jerry Stiller ate Tom Cruise and shat him out. I guess that in lieu of accepting that Christine Taylor finds an albino ape-Jew attractive I will have to accept that she has a horrible sense of humor, realize that's why they're together, and switch my "Hey Dude" jackoff fantasies to catching a peek at Danny's buffalo briefs from outside his Wigwam. Emily: I was going to write a long winded rant about why they insisted on making their lesbian/bi-sexual character a former softball player. I was going to tell you that there are plenty of girls out there who play softball that aren't lesbians, and it's an ugly stereotype that needs broken. To say that a woman who excels at a certain sport must be a "dyke" is just another way to repress talent in young women, make them feel bad for being good at something. Then I remembered that I, a girl who is, by the strictest technical terms "straight," would totally make out with Melody is given the chance to. So I'll just drop it. Gene Snitsky, commenting on the accusation that he has killed this scene:
i saw Dodge ball. Okay, that one was my fault. JR, I'm man enough to admit when I've made WHOOPS FOOLED YOU STILL NOT MY FAULT. The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 3 Sappho.
Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor
Television Show: "Xena:
Warrior Princess" (2001) Emily: I cannot believe it took us six of these posts to finally get around to Xena. More than Ellen, more than Rosie, certainly more than Eleanor Roosevelt, Xena is the woman who has made middle class white society as comfortable with the idea of a lesbian as it is today. And they tried, so hard, to not fall victim to what every gossiping fan assumed was going on behind closed doors. But eventually the story of the Amazon woman and her scrappy blonde sidekick go to the point where it was being crushed beneath its own subtext, so they just had to go and get it over with. I suppose there's really nothing wrong with the idea of Xena and Gabrielle getting it on. I mean, this isn't "Maude," we were all pretty certain of what was going on. I just find it incredibly hard to be aroused when I'm essentially looking at Aaron Carter kiss Joanie Laurer. That shit ain't right, yo. B: The image of Aaron Carter kissing Chyna has ruined my life. Thanks a lot. The best part about this kiss is that Xena is actually dead, and Gabby is "kissing her goodbye." I guess somebody finally found a way to not have their ass beaten by a woman on horseback throwing Frisbees. Everyone with a ripe set of nuts knows Callisto was the fox of this show, at least back when the show was more about yipping and stabbing and less about religious and sexual metaphor. Gabrielle was only really sexy to the people who hadn't moved on to "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and it's subsequent Willow yet, and I can't say I've ever met anyone who had a thing for Lucy Lawless. Although her name would be a really great title for a post-apocalyptic sci-fi show about a bongo player and his overbearing bitch wife. Gene Snitsky, commenting on the accusation that he has killed this scene:
A warrior has a JOB to do. And that job is to go out there and be a warrior. I had nothing to do with Xena dying. What, are you going to blame me for the death of every bad show? Go ahead, JR. Accuse me of killing "Inside Schwartz?" It's not my fault Breckin Meyer can't take one of my horrible fake punches without collapsing into dead-dom. The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 2.5 Sappho.
Nicole Kidman and Miranda Richardson
Film: "The
Hours" (2002) Emily: Okay, I'm a little concerned here, so I think I'm going to have to abstain. You see, I never saw "The Hours." Not for any particular reason, I just never got around to it. So, before commenting on this scene, I decided to do a little research. Virginia Woolf, despite being famously frigid, had several well known trysts with other women throughout her long marriage. I wanted to know which one Miranda Richardson was playing. However, if you go to the Internet Move Data Base, Richardson is listed as "Vanessa Bell." For those of you who aren't familiar with the Bloomsburg group, Vanessa Bell was Virginia Woolf's older sister. Now, the picture above doesn't really indicate a familial kiss. And everything I've found about the scene seems to believe that the two are friends. But, you would think that such liberties taken with the lives of real people would've been commented on, somewhere. So, we're in the uncomfortable position of possibly misreading the moment, and sexualizing a kiss between sisters. Now, male fantasies aside, if we were to finally break down that last taboo and rate an incest scene, I don't think that this would be the one chosen. Kidman and Richardson don't look nearly enough like the Sweet Valley High twins. But anyway, to avoid the possible squick factor, I'm just gonna lob this one at B. Have at it, guy. B: Here's a skit I wrote about "The Hours." Nicole Kidman. hello
m8s, I am depressed. Here is a quicker skit that I just wrote: B: In "The Hours" Nicole Kidman wears a plastic nose and everybody should just kill themselves. And scene. Gene Snitsky, commenting on the accusation that he has killed this scene:
I enjoy the work of Nicole Kidman and would like to have sexual intercourse with her, ejaculate inside of her, verify that she is carrying my child, and then knock somebody over into her causing said child to die. The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 1.5 Sappho.
Jennifer Aniston and Winona Ryder
Television Show: "Friends"
(2001) B: With Friends like these, who Emily: You know
what? I'm sick of this shit. Over the last year we've reviewed
several dozen of these lesbian scenes. Some were ratings grabbers,
like the one above. Some were of legitimate importance to their
film/show, and some were just awkward attempts to shock. But I can't
just continue to participate in these posts without feeling like
I'm part of the problem. Women have been struggling for decades
to break free of the social constructs dictated to them by a patriarchal
society that expects them to exist as either sex objects or sexless
and voiceless automatons who exist to make the male life more simple.
This trend of faux lesbianism in film and television is just the
newest example. A man looks at lesbianism and sees a way for a woman
to break free of the sexual confinements his gender has imposed
upon womankind. For a woman to find sexual fulfillment and completion
without the benefit of a man, she gets to both own her own femininity
and express her sexuality without fear of reproachment. So what
is the reaction of society? To make lesbianism HOT.
Yeah, who doesn't want to see chicks making out, that's sexy.
And heterosexual women go along with it in order to please the demands
of a male-dominated culture. Lesbianism isn't genetic, and it isn't
a lifestyle choice, it's just one more way to reign in female sexuality.
By turning the gaze onto an act that's not male inclusive.
Gene Snitsky, commenting on the accusation that he has killed this scene:
It's not my fault if you get wood looking at pictures of guys making out. But I am going to hit your friends in the back with chairs when you aren't looking in an attempt to murder you for being a homosexual, you giant girl. The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 1 Sappho.
Hal Sparks and Gale Harold
Television Show: "Queer
as Folk" (2000) Emily: That's
more like it! So, I figured for our first installment of "Rating
the Homos" I'd go with the most recognizable of gay media outlets,
Showtime's "Queer as Folk." Based on a British TV
series of the same name, the show essentially follows a core group
of gay friends who live and love in the Pittsburgh area. The
show remains immensely popular, despite being full of raging stereotypes
about gay men and their constant unending need to fuck. Which is
why I like it, 'cause it's full of hot guys who make out all the
time. He's doing much better now, thankfully. It remains to be seen whether Hal has become more comfortable in his role because he has an "I love the . . ." special every six months in which to spout his latent heterosexuality, or if it's because nobody can look too unhappy when they're naked and humpy with a hot toddy like Gale Harold. B: Gene Snitsky, commenting on the accusation that he has killed this scene:
You see this kind of behavior in any workplace, be it Gale Harold's job at a lawfirm or my job busting heads in the wrestling ring. Once in OVW I was in a match against the flamboyant one, Rico, and he grabbed my ass during a sunset flip. Initially I was confused, but then I figured out a way to pass the blame, and spent the rest of the match horribly punching Rico in his fucking balls. That was one crazy OVW show, man. The Oscartron-5000 Reading: 3.0
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and Ewan McGregor
Film: "Velvet
Goldmine" (1998) Emily: "Wayne's World," the film version, was released into theaters in 1992. I was ten years old. I can recall very clearly sitting in my fifth grade classroom, asking my friend David Raines why Wayne and Garth said, "Schwing!" and did a little pelvic thrust when talking about a hot girl. He had to explain that they were saying that said hot girl gave them a boner. Then he had to explain what a boner was. I was a pretty sheltered little girl. Six or seven years later, I watched "Velvet Goldmine" for the first time, and I no longer need the concept of "Schwing!" explained to me. Because this movie gives me a monster boner. It makes me question myself a bit. Why do I like watching men make out so much? Am I a closet fag hag? Should I be watching more Margaret Cho specials? What's the deal? But then I realized that there is a simple explanation for this. A guy, almost any guy really, enjoys watching two women make out. Why is this? Because it's taboo? No, of course not. If girls making out were still taboo, we wouldn't have to write these posts. Guy enjoy watching women make out because it is two people, both of whom a man can find attractive, banging a gong and getting it on. So why then does it make a girl strange if she enjoys the same thing, only with men instead of women? Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is a hot guy. Ewan McGregor is an equally hot guy. So what's wrong with getting a girl happy from watching them snog? Nothing. Nothing is wrong with it at all. It's all gravy baby. I give this scene five Oscar Wildes, a hearty handshake, a bushel, a peck, and a hug around the neck. God bless you, Todd Haynes. May you never stop delivering sexy men in eyeliner. B: Gene Snitsky, commenting on the accusation that he has killed this scene:
*glares menacingly at camera*
*glares* The Oscartron-5000 Reading: 5.0
THE ENOLA GAY
Method of Transportation:
"Airplane" (1945) B: Enola Gay, a U.S. Army Air Force B-29 bomber, dropped the first atomic bomb ever used in warfare on Hiroshima, Japan on August 6, 2025 during World War II. The weapon was known as "Little Boy." This character would later be picked up for skits on MadTV. The Enola Gay was assigned to the U.S. Army Air Force's 509th Composite Group and flew her mission out of Tinian, a small island in the Marianas chain. She was one of only 15 B-29s modified to deliver nuclear bombs. Colonel Paul Tibbets, the plane's pilot, named her after his mother. Mildred Faggot. Emily: Not nearly as hot as when Charles Lindbergh got an invisible Christmas Eve blow job from the Spirit of St. Louis. Well guys, I'm sorry to say we've got some bad news. This article has died.
NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! |
