Fun with Moviefone.com. Volume 3.

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Where in the world is a funny picture caption?
fun with Moviefone.com, volume 3
written by Jon - february 24 - 2004

Step on it, gumshoe!

For too long, the concept of humor has evaded the grasp of Moviefone.com's weekly caption contest. The idea is to submit a funny caption for a given picture, and as has been documented in "Fun with Moviefone.com, Volume One and Volume Two", the submissions are usually nothing short of horrible. Submissions of this week's crappy contest are shown below. Your assignment: to track a rudimentary understanding of what is funny to its hideout and arrest it!

You have until Sunday at 5 P.M. to apprehend the subject. Good luck, Moviefone.com.

THIS WEEK'S PICTURE:

Lindsey Lohan and some other chick from "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen"

Monday, 9 AM.

THE INTERPOL SUPER SLEUTH COMPUTER SAYS:
This is funny since we now know why that warning sign was on the bucket in the first place!!! Next time I come across a caption this terrible I'm going to put up my own warning sign and crash myself, I swear to God.

Monday, 12 PM.

THE INTERPOL SUPER SLEUTH COMPUTER SAYS:
*crash*

Shit, that was quick.

Monday, 4 PM.

THE INTERPOL SUPER SLEUTH COMPUTER SAYS:
That does not compute. Or maybe I just don't watch enough daytime television. I've stopped watching in an act of protest because I'm so disgusted of what they did with the "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" game show. They replaced me with THE CHIEF, played by Lynne Thigpen. Good thing she died of a heart attack. Instead of saying, "Greg, let's go to the map!", it might now be more appropriate to say "Greg, let's go to the cemetery so that you and my family and friends can bury me, since I am dead!"

I BET YOU DIED BECAUSE YOU HAD SICKLE CELL

Monday, 9 PM.

THE INTERPOL SUPER SLEUTH COMPUTER SAYS:
There are two possibilities here. Either Melissa is a retard, or she was molested as a child by a capital letter, form of punctuation, or sense of humor.

SLEEPING...

Tuesday, 11 AM.

THE INTERPOL SUPER SLEUTH COMPUTER SAYS:
When the First Law of Internet Humor is applied, it becomes obvious that this joke is hilarious. The First Law of Internet Humor states that if a joke drops a celebrity's name, it's comedic gold. Perhaps the joke could have been made funnier if "Brittney (sic) Spears" was replaced with "Simon Cowell", "Paris Hilton Sex Tape", or "B from ProgressiveBoink".

Tuesday, 4 PM.

THE INTERPOL SUPER SLEUTH COMPUTER SAYS:
However, there is no law that states that you can just say any fucking thing you want and that it will be still be funny. Too many fall victim to this misconception, which is fittingly named "Jon syndrome". Box of tissues!

Tuesday, 9 PM.

THE INTERPOL SUPER SLEUTH COMPUTER SAYS:
Fag.

SLEEPING...

Wednesday, 9 AM.

THE INTERPOL SUPER SLEUTH COMPUTER SAYS:
wait

what

P.S. I feel obligated, dear reader, to remind you that Black History Month is right around the corner! Every March, ProgressiveBoink celebrates the advent of peanut brittle and the slam dunk. Check back next week for P-Boi's tribute to everyone's favorite race!

Wednesday, 1 PM.

THE INTERPOL SUPER SLEUTH COMPUTER SAYS:
What's up with the sixteen question marks? Is it a convenient notation that's supposed to express that she asked "Neverland?" sixteen times? Is it a question with as dire importance as sixteen run-of-the-mill questions? By the way, for the love of God, keep the WACKO JACKO jokes coming. Jokes about Michael Jackson molesting children and punchlines that contain the line "wardrobe malfunction" are slaughtered and used to grease the wheels of the Internet.

Wednesday, 5 PM.

THE INTERPOL SUPER SLEUTH COMPUTER SAYS:
You may ask, "What the hell is wrong with this person, who has raped and pillaged our fair English language and left her moaning like a whore?" If that's directed toward Jon's writing, one can hardly fault you. But please take pity on poor Destiny. She cannot afford a computer, and communicates her submissions through the light-up billboard outside the Laundromat at which she works. She cannot afford to buy a new set of letters. She would love to someday make a funny joke, but alas, she is only afforded letters that form unfunny combinations, such as what is documented above, as well as "LIFE IS SHORT. PRAY HARD" and "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE EVER SINCE NORM MCDONALD LEFT".

SLEEPING...

Thursday, 10 AM.