| Proud Member Of |
|
|
Fun with Moviefone.com.
Volume 2.
written
by Jon - january 6 - 2004
The world is once again ready for another Moviefone.com caption contest article. I could preface this like the writers at Something Awful would, and spend three paragraphs saying things like “The internet should be killed” and “I want to gouge my eyeballs out with a fork” and “These captions are good, by which I mean, ‘The internet should be killed’ and ‘ I want to gouge my eyeballs out with a fork.’” Those poor folks have labored for years under the impression that 1) the Internet is a living being that can be killed, and 2) that if you see something on the Internet you don’t like, it is illegal for you to avert your eyes or close your browser or do anything other than to poke out your eyes with a hilarious utensil.
But those SA folks sure are talented, and as a tribute, I’ve decided to make myself an honorary writer for Something Awful and write this article in a way that would make Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka proud. For those of you who haven’t read my last horrible easy-to-write article, I’ll explain to you what’s going on so you don’t feel like you need to start inserting quarters into the floppy drive when my article runs out of funny.
Every week, Moviefone.com
runs a caption contest. They’ll find a hilarious picture from a movie that’s
currently showing, and put it up for the masses to write captions for. The
problem is, most of these people have the collective IQ of a piece of toast,
albeit buttered. After going through hundreds of submitted captions, I really
have no choice but to conclude that these people are thoughtless automatons who
misinterpret “humor” for “reference to pop-culture object.” For example; the
last Moviefone article featured this picture:
Easy two out of ten people
submitted the caption “run forrest run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” or “run agent smith
run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I heard that when Josh “Livestock” Boruff read this,
he gouged out his eye with a spatula each time he saw someone submit this. He
has since run out of eyes.
THIS WEEK’S
SUPER-HILARIOUS PICTURE
Steve Martin hiding in a playhouse in “Cheaper by the Dozen”
THIS WEEK’S SUPER-HILARIOUS COMMENTARY
featuring Jon Jon's Something
Awful-esque alter egos
NOTICE: The following captions have been unaltered and are 100%
genuine. We swears it.
1. "These New York apartments are getting smaller every year!" -- Michael
Jon says: Ba-da-boom-TSCH! And what's the deal with airline food, braille at drive-up ATMs, and/or Viagra?
Jon “Collapsible Microwave Oven” Bois says:
Here is a graph, which probably illustrates how horrible this caption is. Also, this caption is horrible.
2. "And You thought Your House Was
Small....." – William
Jon says: Apparently, William is addressing this to God or Jesus. Also, "House Was Small", whatever that is, seems to be a proper noun of some sort.
Jon “Representation of an Abstract Entity” Bois says: this caption sure is something aweful
3. "They lit me on fire!" -boyfriend" - Amy
Jon says: I don't get the joke at all. What I also don't get is why she put "boyfriend" at the end. You don't have to log on to submit an entry, so she could have just as easily put "boyfriend" as the author. Or maybe she was trying to say that Steve Martin's boyfriend had been lit on fire. That reminds me of a joke.
A gay guy's fucking his
boyfriend in the ass when a fire breaks out in the house. Who gets out
first?
Answer: The manure compost in the backyard. It already had its shit
packed. wait did i tell that right
Jon “Next of Kin” Bois
says: I liked reading this, by
which I mean “I would rather scoop up dog vomit and put the vomit through a
strainer so that the vomit became a solid mass and then make a T-shirt out of it
and wear the T-shirt.”
4. "Steve Martin's new house was "Cheaper THAN a Dozen" – Alex
Jon says: I seriously doubt that. Those Fisher-Price houses cost like 200 bucks, I think. That's probably why my parents always got me refrigerator boxes instead. I used to want a refrigerator to play in, until I saw an episode of Captain Kangaroo where the kid hid inside a fridge but for some retarded-ass reason the fridge automatically locked from the inside and the kid just sat in there for hours and froze to death. I don't know, maybe it wasn't Captain Kangaroo.
Jon “Centrifugal Force”
Bois says: Upon reading this
caption, my eyes caught on fire, and the fire spread to the rest of my face and
now all the skin on my face is gone.
6. "ALWAYS ENOUGH______TO GO AROUND (the blank could be...love, excitement, joy, smiles, hugs, life, etc.)" - Keri
Jon says: Well, it sure was thoughtful of her to submit an open-ended caption! Let's check the polls and see which possibility is the winner.
Don't tell me you didn't see it coming.
Jon “Viral Antibiotic” Bois says: I’m not positive, but I’m fairly sure this should be illegal.
7. "Cheaper by the Dozen see why,exciting thrills." - Dacrader
Jon says: I've got nothing. I know (or hope) he's foreign, and I would make fun of his ethnicity, except I'm not sure what ethnicity that would be, other than a race of fucking idiots with no sense of humor. Wait, what's an ethnic slur for Palestinians? Oh, don't give me that look. If I had said the French you would have said "lol fucking frogs" and freedom-kissed your computer monitor.
Jon “Lois Griffin’s Stalker” Bois says:
This is what I got when I
did a Google image search for “internet.” Isn’t this worthy of your laughter?
Eh?
8. "i am back!” – Sarah
Jon says: OK, now you guys have just stopped trying.
“#86/68” says: lol look at me the number on my shirt is a numerical and visual palindrome! meaning i can make an animated gif of me by just reversing the picture! lol I think I will make a whole site section devoted to that joke!
9. "you put what in his pants" – micah
Jon says: With every caption I read I get more and more baffled. I don't understand why you people keep ignoring the situational humor of a big guy in a little house, and just going off on your own tangent about "you put what in his pants." Stay on task, please.
“JEFF K.” says:
wft is this fagotry I hate yuo all. I also haet something aweful for comming up
with teh best gimmick postars so all that si left for jon from progressive bionk
is RICHARD KARN AND A STAPLAR
10. "How! Did i get in here" - Larry
Jon says: Either Larry really sucks at caption-writing, or he's a stereotypical American Indian who is a member of some weird religion that forbids capitalization of pronouns referring to one's self.
“State Og” says: So a guy’s taking a shower at his house in suburban Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.. He hears a knock on the door. He opens it, and a penguin walks in. He asks the penguin for a bar of soap, and the penguin replies, “What do you think I am, a banker?” Didn’t understand that joke? Good! This joke has been brought to you by State Og.
11. "CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN" - CC
Jon says: Finally! I didn't think anyone would guess that caption right! Obviously, nobody else was cunning enough to read the movie title above the picture.
Jon “I Have Run Out of Gimmick Posters To Make Fun Of” Bois says: This is almost as bad as what we did after 9-11, when we so desperately wanted something to make fun of that we got someone to make a Flash animation tribute for us that was intentionally shitty, and then wrote a big long review talking about how shitty it was. LOL THE INTERNET SHOULD BE DESTROYED WITH A GIANT LASER BEAM LOL
12. "HOME ALONE "3"!" - DONALD
Jon says: Not everybody can be as cunning as CC. I wonder why he put extra quotation marks on the 3. Maybe it's a sex joke I don't get. I slipped her the ol' number 3 IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN
13-year-old Jon says: 3? I don't get it. Is that what a vagina looks like or something?
Jon “Punctual Odor”
Bois says: There will be no update
today!
(5000-word update)
like I said no update! lol
13. "looks like jacksons awake to me" -
laura
Jon says: Whew! I thought nobody was going to make a LOL WACKO JACKO joke! Now I can get down from this table and take this noose off my neck.
...
crap i did it in the wrong order
Jon “Just kidding, I am
really alive” Bois says:
Fuck
segue ways! I’m just going to use these square blue bullets to move from one
point to another.
14. "Finally a brain as big as a house!" - roni
Jon says: After all these years! It's about time we had a central nervous system that's big enough for a family to live in, huh!
Jon “You know, I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings at Something Awful” Bois says:
Actually,
fuck it. Bullets are so easy! From now on I’ll just write entire articles
composed almost exclusively of this character
.
15. "HEY STEVE MICHAEL INVITED THEM TO HIS
HOUSE, YOU ARE WAITING ON THEM IN THERE HOUSE!!!" - MC
Jon says: You win. No contest.
Jon “In all seriousness, Something Awful is one of the best sites on the Internet. I’ll thank them in my liner notes on my first CD” Bois says:
!””,.;PIRATES!
YAR
.goddamned
shitmops?!?!?11lol.
I
WANT TO STAB THE INTERNET IN THE NECK WITH A DAGGER
fagot
by
which I mean “”.
AND NOW, THE CAVALCADE OF REPEAT SUBMISSIONS
or, THIS WEEK’S ANSWER
TO “RUN FORREST RUN!!!!!!!!!!”
=
?
"HERE'S STEVIE!!!" - doreen manthey
"Heeeeeere's Stevie!!!" - Kelly
"Here's Stevey!" - Mike
"HERE'S STEVIE!!!" - Rob Thomson
"Heeeerrrs Stevie!" - chris whaley
"heeeerrrreee's steve!" - marcia mccullough
"'Here's Stevie'" - Star
"Heeeeeeeeeeeree's Steve-o!!!!!!!!!" - Matt
"Heeeere's Stevie!" - Pat Sajak
"Heeeeereee's Stevie" - Ashley
"Heres Stevieeeeeeeeeeee" - Anna
"Here's Daddy!" - SueCase
"Herrrre's Daddy!" - Matt Dean
"Heeeeeere's Daddy!" - Juan Ruiz
"Here's Daddy! " - Jan Lovell
"Hereeeeee's Daddy! " - nicole Amendolia
"Heeeeeeere's Daddy!" - Chris
"hheeeerrrr's daddy!" - kathleen helliwell
"Heeere's DADDY!" - Jenny
"Here's Johnny" - Jessica
"Heeeeeere's Johnny!" -- Justin" - Justin
"Here's Johnny!" - Mars
"Here's Johnny!" - Amy
"heres jonny!" - nathan
"here's Johnny....!" - kevin
"Here's Johnny!!" - Teresa janeway
"Here's Johnny!" - Karin Surber
"Heeeeeere's Johnny!" - Shelly
"Heeeeerrrrreeeee's Johnny!" - Dale
"Here's Johnny!!!" - Mike
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERES JOHNNY!" - Stacey
"heeeeres Johnny!" - John Comegys
"Heeere's Johnny!" - charles bouldin
"Here's Johnny!" - Joel Testarmata
"HHHEEERREE'SS JOHNNY!!" - THUMPER
"here's Johnny!!!" - James
"Heeeere's Johnny!" - Kasey
"HERRRRE'S JOHNNY!!!" - John
"heerrreee'ssss Johnnnnyyy!!!" - Holly
"Here's Johnny!" - Nathan
"Heeeeere's Johnny!" - Kimmie
"HERE'S JOHNNY!" - Franklin
"Here's Johnny!" - Richard Parrott
"Here's Johnny!!!" - Sonia
"Here's Johnny!" - Joyce
"Heerreee'ss Johnnie" - Carla
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeere's Bretty" - Brett
"HEERREEE'SSS
DOLLY!" - Nicole
AND FINALLY, A PERSON THAT MAY BE STALKING ME, BUT PROBABLY JUST CAN'T SPELL WORTH A GODDAMN FUCK
I hope you're here to join us next time,
when the Forum Goons will photoshop the roster of the 1988 Baltimore
Orioles zipping each others' pants Moviefone.com has another lame-ass
contest ready.
- Jon
Jon@progressiveboink.com
AIM: Boiskov