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Fun with Moviefone.com.
written
by Jon - november 11 - 2003
Writing something once a
week is hard to do. Writing something once a week that you like and can be
proud of seems nearly impossible at times. Sometimes, when it’s Monday
afternoon and I have less than a day to get a post written, I’ll just take a
super-awesome topic and hope that its awesomeness can make up for the complete
dearth of entertainment value in my words. This never works, and as a result, I
have over a half-dozen articles collecting dust cyber-dust on my cyber-computer
that look something like this:
Goldeneye 007 is an awesome game. Words cannot really do it justice. I must have played this game forever the year I got it, in 1997. 1997 was a good year, a year before our President got impeached. Maybe he wouldn’t have been fooling around with Mrs. Lewinsky had he checked out the fine ladies in Goldeneye 007! He sure would be playing with his joystick a lot, I’ll tell you that much right now!!!11
Complete and utter shit, which nobody would ever want to read, which doesn’t deserve to go in anything but a LiveJournal, and which no amount of professional-looking screenshots can fix. By the way, if you’re ever reading any of my articles and you see me use the !!!11, it means that my article has run out of gas, and your time is better spent folding your laundry, swimming in the ocean, or building a factory than finishing my post.
It happens, though. Once in a while, I’ll start performing like shit, and there’s nothing I can really do about it but keep on going. Because if I stop, my writing position will go to Marc Bulger and he’ll pass for 300 yards every game and my grandma-wife will go on sports radio shows and talk about how Mike Martz is more like Mike Fartz.
Brenda
Warner = ugly.
A picture of Brenda Warner taken with the camera tilted at a 20° angle = ugly,
but hip.
So what’s my secret? What do I do when I suddenly lose confidence in my writing and desperately need something to write about?
I make fun of people who suck more than I do.
I recently came across a super-fun contest at www.moviefone.com. Basically, they select a picture, and your job is to come up with a funny caption.
WHOA NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL A LAUGH AND A HAUGH`
These particular entries were a Russian roulette game of overexposed pop-culture clichés, painfully obvious jokes, and a play on words that pisses me off for not coming up with it first. I knew I could kick anybody’s ass in this contest, and was ready to prove it. Luckily, a new contest was going on, so I didn’t hesitate to jump in.
This is the picture I had to work with. I knew right away what caption I would use. But just as I was ready to type in “WHOA IT IS RAINING HEAVILY”, I noticed that the last 25 entries were posted below. And I thought, Aw, man. This is a post right here. Of course, I used the same line of logic when that asshole Schwartz dared me to lick that post in the dead of winter. Then I was late for class. Then I starred in the movie “A Christmas Story.”
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE CAPTION
1) You’ll shoot your eye out!!1 turn to page 9
2) THTUCK! THTUCK! THTUUUHUUUUHUUUCK!! turn to page 25
3) This is a screenshot from the movie “A Christmas Story”! turn to page 26
4) God, you suck, Jon. turn to page 44
5) Tell Big Jim that you aren’t afraid to meet him in front of the saloon at no-shadow time tomorrow. turn to page 57
So, here are 30 real, actual submissions that people made. I skipped over some that were obviously stupid or self-effacing, but decided to include those that were stupid or self-effacing in an oblivious sort of way.
1. "Welcome to Rivendale....I mean....the matrix...DAMN I need to keep the movies straight." - Steve
THE JOKE: Hugo Weaving stars in two separate movies, both of which happen to be popular.
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: I don’t understand why Hugo Weaving would be compelled to welcome someone to Rivendell while running through a big puddle.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): The Montreal Expos
2. "slow down there turbo!!!" - allan
THE JOKE: The guy is running. Quickly, presumably.
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: Why do you want him to slow down? See me after class.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): The tourism industry of Goodland, Kansas
3. "i lyke tha rain, i go splash splash in tha puddles!! weeeee!!!" - Aaron
THE JOKE: “The Matrix”, though technically amazing, is in truth a superficial film with pretentiously brilliant philosophies, and is based on fantastical fantasies rather than the laws of science.
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: (gold star)
Mrs. Richardson-
Aaron has shown great improvement lately. I suggest that you place his medicine in his backpack rather than his shirt pocket, so they won’t fall out during game time.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): A city slicker who just done fell off a turnip truck
4. "Find me another bathroom. This line is ridiculous." - nay
THE JOKE: Agent Smith has to pee.
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: Who is Agent Smith talking to? Would he really ask someone in line to give away his place so he could find a new bathroom for him?
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): A soul without Jesus
5. "if i can't beat u then, a whole army of me can. One way or a nother i will kill u NEO!!" - ryan depew
THE JOKE: n/a
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: Watch your spelling and apostrophe placement. Otherwise, it is very well-written and informative. Keep up the good work!
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS
(1-10): The Atlanta Falcons without
Jesus Michael Vick
6. "its raing clones halauya its raing clones" - art
THE JOKE: An allusion of the rain to the abundance of Agent Smith clones.
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: Replace your N key. Also, when I viewed this on my computer I got so many red squiggles that my computer monitor exploded into a huge fireball. You owe me two hundred dollars.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): A little kid who just got sucked into one of those water vent thingies in swimming pools
7. "Talk about split personality!" - Steve H
THE JOKE: There are several Agents Smith, suggesting that there may be multiple personalities.
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: Thank you for using schizophrenia for an easy laugh, and simultaneously bringing back the #1 junior high cliché of 1996. I’M NOT SCHIZOPHRENIC! NEITHER AM I LAFF
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): The Bobby Bonilla poster in the clearance bin at K-Mart
8. "Its rain but i dont care thers a women toppless at the end of the street!" - brent
THE JOKE: Agent Smith likes naked ladies.
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: I have decided to hold you back next year. Also, your parents are getting divorced because you won’t stop making crappy jokes.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): A balding 14-year-old
9. "It's true you are never alone when youre schizophrenic" - Carol Evans
THE JOKE: see above
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: You and Steve H. will now be sitting on different sides of the room.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): Hell in a snowball. wait I messed up
10. "It isn't only the Toons that are Looney" - Carol
THE JOKE: The Matrix ≠ Looney Toons
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: Please stop alluding everything to Looney Toons. Mrs. Kravitz did not appreciate your essay on the Holocaust.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): Those Pennsylvania miners who were too lazy and passive to dig or climb their way out to safety
11. “puffing* only 2 miles to go..." - michael
THE JOKE: Agent Smith is running.
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: A well-told and imaginative story! Excellent job!
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): The guy walking between lanes near the stoplight who wants me to put money in his bucket
12. "Where is the end of this bathroom line? " - andrwe
THE JOKE: Agent Smith is running.
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: A-N-D-R-E-W. After school, fifty times on the chalkboard.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): The standing army of New Zealand
13. "hows this for bay watch" - kyle bacon
THE JOKE: …
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: I do not understand.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): Synchronized swimming at the Special Olympics
14. "I'm going to the Olympic." - Rajib
THE JOKE: Running is an activity commonly seen in the Olympic games.
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: Let me make one thing clear. What I told your mother at the PTA meeting was bullshit. I hate you for what your towelheaded peoples did to my country, and you will serve as their scapegoat. D-minus.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): The still undelivered, yet eagerly anticipated port of “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” to the Sega Genesis
15. ”MATRIX MOVEIS ARE SO GREAT BECAUSE THEY HAVE ALOT OF ACTIONS AND FIGHTING." - MANUEL
THE JOKE: Speaks for itself. Seriously, this should win the fucking contest.
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: Good thing you won’t be writing for a living. Most likely, you’ll be roofing houses or performing some other sort of MANUEL labor! lol
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): 6
16. "Agent Smith charging Neo in hopes of killing him and taking over the world." - Joseph Park
THE JOKE: There doesn’t appear to be one.
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: You’re fired.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): Tyson-Hawking II: THE MOST UNFAIR MATCH EVER. WHAT’S THAT CRIPPLE GONNA DO, MATH ME TO DEATH
17. “Run Forest! Run!” - Johnny
THE JOKE: lol movie reference.
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: You’re a cancer in this classroom. I think that’s the best way to say it. A cancer.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS
(1-10): ProgressiveBoink.com.
MORE LIKE W-D LITE Whatever-Dude.com MORE LIKE P-BOI HEAVY
18. “run smith run!!!!!!!!!!!!!” - claude
THE JOKE: lol same reference.
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: Claude, from now on you’re sitting on the opposite side of the room from Johnny.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): A Ying Yang Twins cover of “Optimistic” by Radiohead
19. “RUN! ,FOREST.RUN!!!!” - dennis
THE JOKE: waht? not again
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: OK, you and Johnny will sit in the back corners, and Claude will sit up front.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): A Radiohead cover of “Naggin’” by the Ying Yang Twins
20. “Run, Smith, run!” - John
THE JOKE: yep
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: Jesus…all right. You, Johnny, Claude, and Dennis will sit on opposite corners of the room.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): A collaboration featuring Radiohead and the Ying Yang Twins that covers “Higher” by Creed
21. “Run, Smith, Run!” - Mark Snow
THE JOKE: Forrest Gump reference #5
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: What the fuck? Okay, Johnny, Claude, John and Dennis will sit in opposite corners, and you’ll be in the middle.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): A hybrid-sport that borrows elements from bowling, tetherball, and “Gigli” starring Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck
22. “Run Forest, Run!” - jazmin
THE JOKE: Forrest Gump reference #6
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: Here’s the plan. Johnny, Claude, John and Dennis will sit in the corners. Mark will sit in the middle of the room. And we shall construct an apparatus by which means your desk shall be suspended from the ceiling.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): A smart, hard-working middle-class white kid who wants financial assistance to help him go to college
23. “Run Forest Run!!!!” - Nolan Giles
THE JOKE: Forrest Gump reference #7
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: Fuck it, I’m going to take the whole class on a field trip, drive to the lake, stick it in neutral, and push you all to your watery graves.
SCALE OF HOPELESSNESS (1-10): Anyone who thinks Andrea Yates or Susan Smith shouldn’t have been eaten to death by alligators.
UNBELIEVABLY LAME CAPTIONS RECOVERED FROM THE UNBELIEVABLY WET LAKE PATTERSON
24. “Run Forest, Run!” – Tim
25. “Run smith, run!” – steve q
26. “run, smith, run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” – tara
27. “RUN AGENT SMITH RUNN!!!!” – Jason
28. “Run Smith Run.” – Glenn
29. “run smith run” – Doo Suan
30.
THE JOKE: Forrest Gump reference #14
THE TEACHER’S HANDWRITING IN BLUE INK SAYS: Whoa…the teacher is gone! All the other students are…gone! That means I can give myself my own grade!
A, PLUS! PLUS! PLUS! PLUS! PLUS!
(all the kids, which have magically been un-drowned, cheer and carry me out of the classroom)
fuck wrong screenshot sry
GO RALPHIE JON
