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In 1952, the Mike Fireball was the result of the
world's first thermonuclear explosion in a hydrogen bomb test, code-named
"Operation Ivy," which completely destroyed part of the
Marshall Islands in the Pacific.
In the 1980s, thermonuclear war was played by a
mischevous teenager & his pet computer, Operation Ivy was a
ska-punk revivalist band, & Mike Fireball was the future pseudonym
of a boy who had a habit of jumping down flights of stairs instead
of just walking down them like a normal human being. This habit
continued from boyhood to manhood, when his college hallmates' girlfriends
called him a little fireball when he quickly answered their requests
to come downstairs & open the door. They'd also say, "You're
like Spider-man!!11", but since that was already taken, Fireball
stuck. AND THEN HE GREW UP TO WRITE JOKES ON THE INTERNET THE END.
A FEW THINGS YOU SHOULD
KNOW BEFORE USING YOUR NEW MIKE:
- Mike is 25 years old. His genes did not realize this until late.
Thus, he still looks like a scrawny teenager. Please excuse their
tardiness.
- Mike is a proud product of both the State of New Jersey &
the outer suburbs of Philadelphia. Below is a map that illustrates
how this is possible.
NOTE: House not drawn to scale. Or star-shaped.
- Mike has perfect pitch & a goofy foot. This means that while
he can't stand your bad singing, at least you can get back by
creaming him in Halo.
- After creaming Mike in Halo, he will most likely opt to show
off his black belt in Super
Mario Bros.
- Other non-karate disciplines Mike has black belts in include
hugging, getting vented at, & remembering your birthday.
- This page full of people
think Mike is great, & will kill you in a fight.
- Mike is really trying to avoid making a joke in which he points
out that he is writing this in the third person.
- Every year, Mike rises out of the pumpkin patch he thinks is
most sincere. Then he flies through the air, & brings toys
to all the children of the world.
- One time Mike saved a bunch of kittens from atop a tree that
was on fire. ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
- Mike was the cute Bea--
 |
"That's enough! This bio page is
full of lies!
Hi, boys & girls. I'm Academy Award Winner Michael Moore,
& I'm here to reveal the AWFUL TRUTH about Mike W. Fireball!
"Mr. Fireball says he saved a bunch
of kittens from a tree that was on fire. What he failed to
mention was that he had someone set that very tree on fire,
just so he could prove that he could do it!
"Mr. Fireball says he rises out of
the pumpkin patch & gives toys to children all over the
world. But when I waited out in that stupid field all night
with Linus, the only thing that rose out of that pumpkin patch
was a beagle. A BEAGLE!
"Ok, so the part about Mario 1 was
true... but did he really need to go to war with the Mushroom
Kingdom? Mr. Fireball is fighting a fictitious war. He pushes
the Power button on his Nintendo, & continuously fights
a fictitious war with a fictitious enemy. And for what? I'll
tell you what. Bonus points. Meaningless bonus points." |
Alright. You win. I concede defeat...
OH WAIT NO I DON'T
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