Monologues are an interesting breed.
Most of the time, when a character in a film goes on a long uninterrupted
rant it's because either the story up until that point has been
somewhat disjointed and the writer felt the need to play catch-up with
the plot, or the audience is assumed to be comprised of mostly sea plankton,
incapable of discerning basic story elements and needing to be told
HOW THINGS HAPPEN IN A MOVIE in order to ensure that the significance
of the reeeeeeally cool upcoming explosion in the story of a walking
steroid shooting and/or having sex with things doesn't go unappreciated.
When used aside of rallying the scrappy band of ragtag underdogs
in the final moments before a climactic showdown, however, a good monologue
can be a pretty powerful tool. Some can make you laugh, others cry, even having
you pumping your fist in anticipation for a no-nonsense ass kicking. Whatever
the intent, they all leave a lasting impression and a really good one will serve
as the centerpiece by which a movie is remembered for years on end.
That being said, these aren't the best monologues to come out
of Hollywood, nor are we claiming them to be. They're simply a collection of
speeches, rants, anecdotes and stories we feel are pretty neat.
the first rule of fight club is don't talk about fi-
Pulp Fiction (1994)
"He wore this uncomfortable hunk of metal up his ass." [ full
clip ]
The way this monologue builds up from a somber retelling of
the final days of a man desperate to pass his most cherished
possession onto his only son into a story of smuggling jewelry
by way of the most notorious of body cavities is a thing of brilliance. My favorite
part is right after he tells Butch about how his father died and that he had
to take up the burden of hiding the watch he pauses for a split-second just
to remind him that the watch was in fact up HIS ass as well, before continuing
his tale. It's implied already, sure, but if I wore a watch up my ass for years
on end I'd like the kid to whom I'm delivering it to know what he's touching
as well.
I haven't drafted a living will yet, but rest assured that
when I do, one of my requests will be for Christopher Walken to visit me on
my deathbed and recite to me the residential section of my local Yellow Pages.
I can't think of any better way to leave this realm and enter one of spiritual
existence than by the sound of Christopher Walken reciting the thirty-seven
different local vendors from whom I'd be able to procure a pizza if it weren't
for the fact that I were, y'know, dying and all. Oh, and I'd like to be buried
with a pocket watch up my ass. And candy. Sort of like the necrophiliac's pinata.
- Justin
To Kill A Mockingbird (1962)
"In the name of God, do your duty." [ full clip ]
I have an inability to write about movies I enjoy without
writing about this one. It's also hard for me to think of anything new
to say about it, which is unique for me, because I can write
40,000 words about Help! It's the Hair Bear Bunch. There is an antiquated
charm to most of the movie. The kids are in black and white with the kind
of Southern accent you mostly just hear in old movies, and the
townspeople range from CRAZY LADY ON PORCH to RACIST MALCONTENT. Watching
it you have a serious ability to detach yourself from the time
and watch for the message and the story.
Then, there's Atticus Finch. Atticus
is real. He
has loves and fears and hopes and feelings, but they aren't falling
out of his face trying to get you to like him. He's a real man. That's
so hard to be in a film. A
guy who isn't perfect but is trying so hard to be as good as
possible in a world full of ham-fisted bit players. Atticus keeps a level
head and treats everyone he meets with respect, whether they
deserve it or not. But
in the final statement scene Atticus simply, logically, and definitely
lays out why and how Tom Robinson is innocent, ending by getting
directly in the face of the jury and imploring them, against
all hope, to stop being that two-dimensional yokel, if they can, and see the
truth. See
reality. They're
in a movie, so they just see "nigger." They don't do their duty. But
everyone who watches screams out in the name of God for them
to do so.
- B
SLC Punk! (1998)
"The Fight: What does it mean, and where does it come
from? An essay." [ full clip ]
Hey did you guys know that punk is a way of life? It's true!
That battle cry started getting stale before this movie was made,
& it might actually be part of the reason that it was. Which is probably
why I enjoy it so much. I have a love/hate relationship with punk as a subculture;
I find it as fascinating as I do ridiculous,
& this speech illustrates why perfectly.
The thing about SLC Punk! is that about 75 percent
of the lines are voice-overs of Matthew Lillard's character, Stevo (which is
also the internet
handle equivalent of naming your baby Michael), narrating to us in his constant "I
sound like I have a cold" voice. He was already partially prepared for
the role, thanks to his tenure on the early '90s Nickelodeon show "SK8
TV."
It's an obvious candidate for a list such as this to those
of us who've seen it, & while there are several opportune moments that could've
been included here, I doubt anyone would argue that this brief interruption
of a fight scene at a party is the best representative, as it actually consolidates
the message of the entire movie to a two-minute slideshow presentation. The
message? Anarchism, as defined by punks, is a paradox; fighting for the "cause" of
chaos constitutes a structure, which contradicts said cause. Most self-proclaimed TRU
PUNX glaze over this little observation & carry on, sounding like idiots.
The observant
punks realizes this paradox, do that quick snort/breath thing out of their noses
in place of a mildly amused chuckle, & decide that not give a shit would
be totally punk rock. A perfect end to Stevo's discourse.
- Mike
The Goonies (1985)
"Everything?! Okay, I'll talk!" [ full
clip ]
Since I was the one who decreed that The Goonies would make
it onto any list the P-boi were to produce, up to including our
as-yet unfinished list of the prettiest girls in Lawrence County,
Kansas, it naturally fell on my shoulders to cover this particular
slice of cinematic greatness.
I'm really not sure what else I could even say about the
character of Chunk. He's become such an icon, such an over-used
avatar of nostalgia for our generation that I don't know that
there is an original "I remember the
fat kid" sentiment left. And yet. . .this speech.
There is a reason why the actor
who played Chunk grew up to be a lawyer, why is isn't now a man
in his 30's who shows up at various intervals to be overly earnest and lovable
like Sean Astin. Past the endearing real-kidness about him, he's not actually
a great actor. But he is SO real kid, so the neighbor that we
all had or the boy in the playground yelling that he would get his older brother
to beat you up, that you believe ever second of every word in this scene. The
beauty of the speech is that a child actor couldn't have done it. Haley Joel
Osmont talking about making a bucket of fake puke just doesn't ring true, you
don't believe he'd do that. But you believe Chunk because he IS the boy on the
playground. And that's why we all still love him so much. Because even after
20 years, Chunk is still the most true guy we know.
- Emily
Pride Of The Yankees (1942)
"People all say that I've had a bad break..." [ full
clip ]
Remember when the Yankees had pride? When you disliked
them because they always won and your team didn't, rather than
because they are cheating, overpaid, smarmy homosexuals under
the charge of a nosepicker and a businessman with brain damage
and Donald Trump's hair? When
Don Mattingly hung it up the Yankees became something a little
different, and though I'm as biased as humanly possible against
them, I can accept that they ARE the most contextually important
and, at times, moving team in the history of baseball.
Lou Gehrig's REAL farewell
speech to Yankee Stadium is the most heartbreaking thing I've
ever seen, from him stopping to wipe his face and the "DON'T
QUIT" plaque at his feet. He didn't want to quit, but his body made him. He
wanted to play every game, start, and win. He just...couldn't. He
should've stood up and screamed. He should've screamed at God for doing
it to him. He didn't, though. Gehrig wiped his face and thanked
his team, and his wife, and all the people who stood beside him. He talked
about how people think he's got it bad because he's going to
die, but God, look at it. He's got everything in the world there beside
him. Love. Respect. Destiny. Baseball.
"People all say
that I've had a bad break... but today —
Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth."
- B
A League Of Their Own (1992)
"There's no crying in baseball!" [ full
clip ]
I have no idea how a baseball movie got on this list, but
whatever, let's just go with it.
"Evelyn, could you come here for a second? Which team
do you play for?" manager Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks) faux-sincerely asks
the girl from "Monk"
after she makes what those of us who know the game & the strategy behind
it would immediately describe as "an idiot play."
That's beyond "bad baseball" & into "what is wrong with you"
territory. Evelyn, meanwhile, completely misses Jimmy's bitter
sarcasm, & answer in a quiet, innocent voice, "Well, um ... I'm
a Peach."
Baseball is a man's game. Hi, I'm New York Mets broadcaster & former
all-star Keith Hernandez. So
when Jimmy finally decides to care about his all-estrogen replacement team,
he treats them like men, & the quickest way to get a man to learn from his
mistakes is to yell in his face
& be a sarcastic motherfucker about it. He's not just being a dick because
he's pissed off that they lost lead. Being a dick is all he knows. It's how
we've learned to adapt, & it's made us stronger. That's why this mantra
(lol) has become an immortal line in film history. Not because it's funny. Because
it's true. I'll be sensitive to your emotions all that you need me to, baby,
but dammit, there is no crying in baseball. With the exception of getting
a cleat to the junk, or breaking the Ironman record.
Seriously, I thought Hernandez was talking about Piazza.
- Mike
The Jerk (1979)
mike fireball 0: Ok, all that's missing then is a screen for
the Jerk.
Keasbey Mornings: Yes. I'll have that tomorrow.
I've got to get my DVD copy back
mike fireball 0: You jerk.
Keasbey Mornings: oh ho ho
"..and that's ALL I need, too!" [ full
clip ]
Long before turning into an even less entertaining caricature
of that episode of Rocko's Modern Life where Rocko, Heifer and
Philburt are contracted to write the script for an animated television series
consisting of nothing more than a show featuring a jar of mayonnaise sitting
on a table for a full half-hour, Family Guy enthusiasts would cite the "AHH.
THHHHHHH." gag
as one of the show's crowning achievements. The working theory
is that if you stretch a gag out for long enough, the audience
will eventually come back around and start laughing again; as the sheer absurdity
of using on-air time to run a single joke far beyond its expiration date was
- and is (when used sparingly) - a funny concept. The same formula has been
applied to many different series (most of which animated) with varying degrees
of success. For every Sideshow Bob gets hit by a rake, you've got five instances
of ridiculous ten-minute long Aqua Teen Hunger Force nonsense featuring characters
exchanging two lines of dialogue interposed with something exploding, while
the animators cross off another day on the calendar during which their audience
didn't bother to put down the bong and pull their heads out of their own asses
long enough to expose the Williams Street studio for being a group of
It's in
this respect that The Jerk still stands as the Mario 64 of the
overdrawn joke variety. While a countless number of imitators
would try and mime the formula, none of them manage to succeed, and even the
ones which manage to achieve a marginal degree of success, do so for none of
the right reasons. What separates Navin Johnson accruing a list of increasingly
trivial possessions which account for all he needs from say, Cartman farting
into Kyle's face, is that The Jerk never stops being funny in the first place.
Instead of wondering when Travis is going to take the gag out back and put it
out of its misery only to elicit an "oh, it's still going. That's marginally
entertaining I guess," a few seconds later, I can't help but laugh off a Guiness
or two as Navin clings pathetically to his last vestige of wealth
and happiness.
It's too bad that at the end of the day, Jock Flexington
and the rest of Alpha Gamma Pi's rapeden are going to deify Seth
MacFarlne because of how hilarious it was when Stewie gave Brian
the business over his unfinished novel for about twenty minutes,
while poor Navin Johnson is relegated to being quoted by the
Nerdstroms and Geekmans of the world. I suppose that's always the way in Hollywood,
though. A brother like Navin ain't never gonna catch a break.
- Justin
The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
"Leave now, and never come back!" [ full
clip ]
While our hobbit heroes get a night's rest, Gollum (Andy Serkis),
having discovered that they possess of the One Ring, debates whether to betray
his new masters & steal back his preciousssss, or continue to guide them
safely to BROKEBACK Mordor. His inner struggle is brought outward
in a twisted, almost eerie display of Gollum's dual personalities as his former,
good-natured self, known as Smeagol, fights to break free of the greed-corrupted
persona that has long dominated him. Gollum is ultimately, if only temporarily,
driven away when Smeagol blows his Fairy Flute
& then attacks the shit out of Gollum while he's sleeping. Excellent
move! I was going to add the "shew shew shew slash" sound effect
from Dragon Warrior right there, but then I got worried that you guys might
think it was another Frodo/Sam joke, & I really don't want to be that guy.
This particular soliloquy certainly isn't the first great
film scene to contain one character having a back-and-forth conversation with
two sides of himself, but it's by far the most powerful such scene in recent
memory. Even though by the end I half expect Smeagol to shout, "Fast as
fast can be, you'll never catch me!" Then again, when your only recent
competition is Willem DaFoe dancing in front of a mirror before he dresses up
like something Finster would've created for Rita Repulsa, maybe it's not that
difficult of an accolade to achieve. Regardless, in a world where attempts to
make us sympathize with the bad guy are anything but rare, this is one of the
few moments that manages to pull it off, if only briefly.
- Mike
Clerks (1994)
"You sound like an asshole!" [ full
clip ]
We all have a friend just like Dante. They're always bitching about something,
not content unless they've got reason to complain. It's not that
they've got just cause or anything. They just like letting you know how miserable
they are whether or not you care to hear about it. Then, one day you'll be out
at say, a restaurant with a bunch of friends, and they'll start to bitch about
something trivial but at least grounded in reality. Maybe the soda they'd ordered
was brought to them flat or something. If it were anybody else you'd just let
it slide and suggest they ask the waitress for another glass, but this fucking
kid has it coming and before you've got a chance to double-check
your animosity at the hostess stand you're lashing out at the person with a
string of unleashed obscenities so vile and full of contempt, even Sarah Silverman's
vagina would have cause to blush. Things then get sort of awkward for a minute
as you regain your composure while you both sort of stare at one another untill
an onlooking third-party interrupts the silence with a bad joke and you both
laugh as if it were the funniest thing ever spoken by a mortal.
That's why we
all wish we could be Randall. To be able to unleash a torrent
of deconstructive criticism with such focused determination as to leave the
recipient literally stunned into silence. I find Jeff Anderson's delivery here
to be not only awesome, but hilarious as well. He trips over words and ends
his rant on an infliction more befitting to asking a buddy if he's down for
some funnel cake than the cap on an awe-inspiring rant.
- Justin
Mallrats (1995)
"One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his
ass. True story." [ full
clip ]
It's going to be interesting to see how film history judges Kevin
Smith. One the one hand, he's one of the few film makers
to gain popularity during the formative years of 20-somethings
like myself, and has a rabid fan base to show for it. On
the other, as we get older it seems people become more and more disenchanted
with his films. They don't have the same luster that they did when we were
17. They're Nirvana.
But at the end of the day, Kevin Smith can write an amazing
paragraph of dialogue. And despite Smith's man-boy love for Ben
Affleck, Jason Lee was the man put on this earth to speak his
lines. I was watching an episode of "My
Name is Earl" the other day, and as usual my reaction was more or less, "well,
okay." It's a funny enough show, I suppose, though a bit too reliant on the
humor of a man's mustache. But it isn't golden era Lee. Granted,
it isn't fucking Mumford either, but there's nothing about the
show the reminds us why we loved the guy so much. And the difference
is Kevin Smith. The difference is that in no other facet of his
career has Jason Lee been given the type of shithead everyman
character the Smith crafts so beautifully. When he's playing the douche nozzle
male lead in a rom-com we couldn't give less of a shit. And it's because nobody
actually knows the well-meaning ad exec with the bitchy fiance and the wacky
cousin that he falls in love with. But we all know the loser at the mall who
would tell a story of his cousin getting a cat stuck in his ass.
When we're all
in our 40's Kevin Smith may be our John Hughes and he may be
our. . .guy who directed Porky's. But either way I hope he's remembered fondly
for moments like this monologue, and for giving us a reason to enjoy Jason Lee
that didn't involve an disturbingly less fat Ethan Suplee.
- Emily
High Fidelity (2000)
"WHAT. FUCKING. IAN GUY?!" [ full
clip ]
The guy from Fall Out Boy could be your movie monologue.
When Rob (John Cusack), a record store owner, music snob, & probable
inspiration to the entire staff of Blender Magazine, lists his Top 5 hardest
breakups of all time in attempt to convince us,
& himself, that he won't allow his most recent breakup to emotionally torture
him, we almost buy it. Almost... until a mutual friend (John Cusack's evil feminine
clone), in attempt to console him, mentions that she doesn't think too much
of "this Ian guy" his ex is with now. Most of us watching this movie
the first time through initially miss this tiny new piece of information we're
given. We get distracted by an appearance by Denise Huxtable, & it doesn't
have time to sink in until a minute later, when Rob reminds us of what we just
heard. Then we join him in his downward spiral from mild rage to paranoid meltdown
when he comes across a clue as to who Ian is (Tim Robbins in a gross wig). Rob
is forced to modify his Top 5 to make room for this new entry's initials.
Different people watch this scene & enjoy it for different
reasons. Women enjoy it because they initially believe it's a cute exaggeration
of the male paranoia process, & then they later understand that it's just
a sad truth. Some men enjoy the notion that some guys who made a movie know
what they've been through, & hail them as heroes for a creatively executed
demonstration of what it's like to be them. And there are those of us who enjoy
it as a wink & a nod & a jab in the face of our past mistakes, or perhaps
even something of a wake up call. Sometimes it's easy to see how ridiculous
we are when somebody else is doing it. We laugh, we love, we move on. And we
more than likely go & download a few new songs.
- Mike
Network (1976)
"I'm a human being, goddammit! My life has value!" [ full
clip ]
Howard Beale, played as well as anybody ever played anybody
by Peter Finch, is an aging news anchor who gets fired after
his ratings start to decline. He decides he's going to commit suicide,
and announces it on live television. This, of course, makes him a television
icon and he starts pulling big ratings as "the mad prophet of the airwaves." He
goes on television and tells people the truth, and so it is.
Network is a film
lost to my generation, stuck in the middle of the seventies jammed
under "Rocky" with
all the sensationalistic Vietnam movies and well-aging comedies
and Taxi Driver, and that's sad. We (as in "us") mostly know
it for when it was parodied in (/on everything) UHF, when Stanley
notices the amount of dirt on his mop and decides that, well, that's
just not good enough anymore. Just listen to the monologue. It still
makes me go FUCK YEAH I'M A HUMAN BEING and FUCK YEAH MY LIFE
HAS VALUE because it's being delivered with passion and reason,
and not because somebody wrote it.
- B
Deep Blue Sea (1999)
"We're going to pull together, & we're going to
find a way to get outta here!" [ full
clip ]
Sharks In A Pool!
Let's make this perfectly clear right from the get-go: Deep
Blue Sea is a terrible movie. It combines the things you love about like
five other action movies & smooshes them altogether to form a rather unpleasant
experience. I like pizza, ice cream &
Egg McMuffins with ketchup on them just fine separately, but
that doesn't mean I want to put them all in a blender
& make a shit beer float out of them.
One of the things you love about other action movies, Samuel
L. Jackson, makes this list on a technicality. That technicality
being that Justin went with Christopher Walken's bit in Pulp
Fiction instead. That son of a bitch. In this movie, Jackson's
character, Russell's motivational "we have to work together"
speech, by itself, is more or less completely forgettable. What
makes the scene anything but, is the shark that, both figuratively
& literally, cuts him short. Right as he finishes calming everyone down,
assuring them that everything's going to be ok, & suggesting that they start
by sealing off the pool behind them, a hyper-intelligent shark
leaps out of the water & nabs him in one chomp. Some people don't see it
coming. Most are waiting for the shark, but expect Jackson to
leap out of the way or something. Between the timing just after
the "we'll
be fine" speech, & the
fact that a man who is automatically a badder motherfucker than
both Jack Bauer and Chuck
Norris simply by not being the subject of a stupid internet meme just
got eaten by a shark, when Samuel L. Jackson falls victim to
the jaws of the fishes in the Deep Blue Sea, it really is joy to you & me.
- Mike
25th Hour (2002)
"Yeah, fuck you, too." [ full
clip ]
Monty Brogan is going to jail for seven long years. He's down
to the final few hours he's been afforded to spend with friends, family and
the woman he loves. Knowing he's got nobody to blame for his situation aside
of himself, and that he just frittered away his last chance at catching a break
by refusing to swallow his pride and playing ball with the police, he laments
the results of his actions by attempting to scapegoat his problems onto everybody
but himself - including the very people willing to see him through to the bitter
end. Not out of malice or hate, but fear and anxiety. Self-contradictory to
the point where his entire tirade against anyone and everyone he looks to as
the root of his problems comes back full-circle, Monty comes to finally understand
the gravity of his situation and having attained some manner of acceptance for
his fate, can begin work on facilitating the situation.
The message in the monologue is a bit After School Special-ish,
but its delivery and presentation both leave a longer lasting impact than watching
twenty sullen teenagers overcome the obstacles of peer pressure and premarital
sex. At the end of the day yours is the only face still staring back at you
through the mirror and even though you can try to displace the gravity brought
upon you as a result of your actions, those consequences are yours to face and
yours alone.
After watching 25th Hour with your children, we here at Progressive
Boink would like to encourage that you sit down and engage in healthy dialogue
about some of the stronger issues presented in the film. We've taken the liberty
of preparing several topics of discussion, as we know how difficult it can be
to connect with your kids during a time when they'd much rather be riding bicycles
with their friends or getting felt up by that hot little number down the street
than spending time talking to their folks.
Isn't Anna Paquin hot?
Tell me you wouldn't.
Well yeah, but what if nobody would ever find out?
Dude, you're such a fucking liar.
Progressive Boink. Bringing families together.
- Justin
Addams Family Values (1993)
"Wait ... we cannot break bread with you." [ full
clip ]
I couldn't tell you why, but this was actually the first
scene that came to mind when Justin proposed the idea for this
list. B gets all Leonard Maltin & comes up with these Oscar-worthy
performances in four-star films
— not movies, films. It's the same difference between "pictures" & "photos,"
& I kind of enjoy when people unconsciously insist on making
that distinction.
Then I come up with 13-year-old
Christina Ricci in an unnecessary sequel. And fucking John
Cusack being emo.
Oh, hell. I can tell you why. Because it's a great scene.
I'm not ashamed in the least of what's apparently the quintessential
monologue in my mind. Having been sent to a summer camp that
turns out to be full of country club yuppie offspring, the otherwise
eternally morbid Wednesday (Ricci) finds herself brainwashed into "being a happy
camper," to the point of actually cracking her first smile, &
agreeing to take part in the camp's play on the first Thanksgiving
as the lead Native American. We watch uneasily as she regurgitates
lines about how beautiful the lead white Pilgrim is. Uneasily,
both because (a) it ain't Wednesday bein' Wednesday, & (b) said
lead white Pilgrim has lines like "Oh, you're not savages
after all. You're just like us... except we wear shoes & have
last names!" Finally, & without warning, Wednesday snaps out of it,
tells her own, true to history tale of Thanksgiving to the confused
group of yuppie parents, & leads the tribute of camp misfits
in a wonderfully chaotic onslaught of the entire production.
It's
a shame that this is at the top of my essential monologue list,
because now it kind of ruins any fantasies I might've been able to have of non-prepubescent
Christina Ricci.
Aww man, ew.
- Mike
Tommy Boy (1995)
"Here comes the meatwagon!" [ full
clip ]
This entry stands as the reasoning behind my decision to make
this list a combined effort. Originally I was going to do the entire thing myself,
but after taking a look at my DVD collection and concluding that nobody would
want to wade through 2,500 words about why Billy Madison's "Puppy Who Lost Its
Way" speech is the funniest thing ever put to film, I decided it'd be better
to extend the idea to a bunch of people with a more objective cinematic outlook
than my own. That isn't to say movies like Tommy Boy don't have their place
on lists such as this (it is a list of monologues we feel are neat, after all)
but it's important to strike a balance between passive and cultured fans all
the same.
Chris Farley, despite being a mountain of a man, had an uncanny
knack for displaying a child-like innocence even while screaming
like a maniac and flailing about like a spasttic retard. He reminded me of a
modern-day Lenny for a generation far too disallusioned by an 8th grade literature
cirriculum to even understand my reference, rife with the proclivity for inadvertantly
mangling everything he'd come to love and hold dear. Take this
scene for instance, in which he determines that the best way to court a potental
customer would be by lighting the guy's desk on fire. Even though the idea is
monumentally stupid, he's so committed in believing it to be the best course
of action that instead of looking like some sort of fucked up arsonist we all
laugh and say "awwww," as
if he were a baby getting more spaghetti on him than in him!
Too bad he had to go and run for mayor of Cokeburg, because now instead of y'know,
living and making people laugh, he's buried in a grave... DOWN BY THE RIVER!
- Justin
When Harry Met Sally (1989)
"How about this way?" [ full
clip ]
This scene & I were great friends. Then one night it just
started kissing me & we ended up sleeping together. Then I panicked & tried
avoiding putting it on this list as best as I could. But I kept coming back
to it, between deciding that the "to the pain" speech in The Princess Bride didn't
really count because he gets interrupted twice, & having a friend of mine
tell me, "You have to," & despite her being a chick & therefore
biased because this is the sort of flick that chicks watch, I finally decided
that I'd much rather have this on the list than, I don't know, Ben Affleck sounding
whiny & desperate (read: sounding like Ben Affleck) in Chasing Amy.
That, plus late '80s Meg Ryan is the mid-'90s
Drew Barrymore to my Emily.
So, fuck it. Here it is. Harry (Billy Crystal), having tried
to apologize about panicking & running out on his best friend (Ryan) after
sleeping with her, is stuck spending New Year's Eve alone. He has the streets
to himself. It's quiet. He thinks he'll be able to think about something else
for a change. But his mind keeps going back to her, & he finds himself running
to find her & tell her straight up that he loves her. Typical romantic comedy
stuff on the surface, but compared to all the other similar scenes we could've
put here, this one wins out for me in its simplicity. It's not too desperate
sounding, it's not overdramatic, & it's not over the top ... or at least
as little over the top as you can get in these types of stories. Harry doesn't
show up with roses or a song or even a ring. He just runs like fuck. He stops
acting like a five-year-old & goes down the damn waterslide. He's
in a boring, unattractive sweatshirt, & he's running like fuck, because
he's in love. It's not that he thinks he is. It's not that he wishes he
was. It's not even that he knows he is. He simply is. And I guess
the only way to get the rest of your body to keep up with your racing heart
is to outrun it.
Guys who think they're like Harry don't like this scene very
much, because to them it's too fake. It could never happen to "nice guys" like
them in real life. That's because they don't ever run like fuck. They wait for
Sally to, & that's just not how the scene goes. It's not that a big of a
deal. It's just realizing you love someone. There's nothing to read too much
into. It's all simply right there. That's how true love ought to be. Simple, & right
there on the surface. Where it might get caught by one of those barbarians.
By one of those humans.
Unfortunately, it seems that he messed something up in their
marriage along the way, because Meg Ryan injected too much silicone or whatever
into her face, & now she looks like a duck. I want to cry. But there's no
crying in monologue lists.
- Mike
Field Of Dreams (1989)
"The one constant through all the years, Ray, has
been baseball." [ full
clip ]
As I wrote in our The Sandlot
article:
1989's "Field
of Dreams" is the big one. I love this movie because I
am a human being and blood pumps through my fucking heart. "Field of Dreams" never
made a whole lot of sense. Kevin Costner enjoys baseball and farming
so he starts going psycho and seeing visions of dead people
and vague symbolism that instruct him to visit a recluse author
and Burt Lancaster, and then ... oh who knows. It's one of those movies
that makes sense because it DOES. Like
E.T. rising from the dead because Gertie wants him to. And while Kevin
Costner is the impulsive, trusting brain going along for
the lesson it is James Earl Jones' Terence Mann who speaks
out to encapsulate the love that we have for the things we take
for granted. ... And all in once those are the reasons why
James Earl Jones' contribution to even something like "The
Sandlot" can
add this unmitigated sense of pride and truth to a film.
It's "Field of Dreams." I'd
have to castrate myself if I didn't put it on the list.
- B
The Incredibles (2004)
"You sly dog, you got me monologuing!" [ full
clip ]
How did Jason Lee get on here twice. That's not even a question
mark. That's a period because I don't care, but it's still kind of weird. It's
not wrong. Just weird.
As both a tribute & a spoof to the classic comic book hero
story, this Disney/Pixar flick poked fun at a number of super
stereotypes, not the least of which included the villains' tendency
to go off on long-winded rants, stroking their own egos by explaining
their brilliant plans. That's what's going on here. A monologue
making fun of monologues. And unlike that Mexican guy on
Comedy Central whose name escapes me right now & I really don't
care enough to look it up, Syndrome here (Jason
Lee) takes a brief moment to laugh at himself & moves on or back
to something else.
As a boy, Syndrome attempted to act as a trusty
sidekick to his idol, Mr. Incredible (Coach),
making up for his lack of inherent super powers with gadgets
of his own design. Unfortunately, he always ended up just getting
in his hero's way, & it got to the point where Mr. I was for
insisting that he leave him alone. Young Banky took this personally,
& instead grew up to be a deep dick, his desire for attention
shifting gears to selling weapons of his own design to the
highest bidding world power. Now, having lured Mr.
Incredible into his trap, Syndrome begins to explain why it's
too late for apologies, & how he was able to overpower his former
hero. Mr. I uses this chance to try & catch his new nemesis off
guard, but Syndrome quickly realizes that he almost fell victim
to a classic comic stereotype... the egocentric monologue.
As well do we, the P-boi staff, realize that
some of our choices for this list may be predictable. But perhaps
that's why they're our favorites, because they've become so quintessential
that, no matter how much we wish we could throw nothing but curveballs
— or Calvinballs, I guess — it just wouldn't feel right not to
include the typical old stand-bys. It's like Thanksgiving without
turkey, or a vegetarian turkey-like substitute. It can & has
been done before, but it just isn't quite the same. Here's
to our turkeys, the lines we know by heart & start shouting at
drunk parties when someone asks if we realize the Goonies. We're
taking 'em all back.
Mencia. That's his name. Yeah, that guy is not funny at all.
But you want to know what is? Dick Cheney shot a guy. Oh man,
makes me tear up every time.
- Mike |
