| Proud Member Of |
|
|
Step by Step: Day by
Day
written by B - january 18 - 2005
The dream, wide broken
Seemed like all was lost
What would be the future
Could you pay the cost
You wonder,
Will there ever be
a second time around?
What can I say?
It might be the worst concept in the history of television: THERE IS AN INCREDIBLY LARGE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE LIVING IN MY HOME.
Much like "person sees hyperbolic hallucinations" or "We are roommates of different lifestyle choice who would rather force ourselves to destructively rail against one another than just find somewhere else to live," THERE IS AN INCREDIBLY LARGE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE LIVING IN MY HOME is one of the cornerstones of desperate sitcom writing attempt. Comedy writers have been stripping this mine shaft for decades, so much so that even in the year 2005 Bob Saget must live day to day with constant foot pain because generations of coal-miners follow him out of bed each morning with a pick-axe to the leg. As if one day they will stab him in the kneecap and some hilarious concept about a woman in the workplace who must come home to a home full of meandering people who do not appreciate her will come flowing out with the blood and bone fragment.
It's an allotrope of the most technologically-advanced situation comedy thinking paradigm on God's Green Name: MAN CANNOT STOP FUCKING HIS WIFE. THERE IS AN INCREDIBLY LARGE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE LIVING IN MY HOME is to MAN CANNOT STOP FUCKING HIS WIFE as graphite or diamond is to carbon. It is the MAN CANNOT STOP without the procedural FUCKING of HIS WIFE. The catalyst to the reaction is the chance meeting of two people in an impulsive situation. For example, person A and person B meet at a hotel during an island vacation. Person A is freewheeling and divorced. He needs a change of pace. Person B is recently widowed. She needs stability and a new direction. They fall in love and are impetuously married. What they do not realize is that Person A has persons A2, A3, A4, and so on waiting at one home while Person B has for some reason left persons B2, B3, and B4 at home while they took a personal vacation to Jamaica to get weenie-hitched to television's Patrick Duffy. The result: Family A and Family B must now coexist based solely on the sexual urges and poor planning skills of their parents, and in the chemical reaction Patrick Duffy becomes the fuckminsterfullerene.
"Step by Step" was the 1991 addition to ABC's already popular "TGIF" Friday Night Line-Up; the same television block regularly bringing the HAVE MERCIES, GOT ANY CHEESES, and NOT THE MAMAS to a nation of slack-jawed children, adults, and misanthropic, lonely teenagers with nothing better to do on Friday night than watch Urkel knock a lamp over and get all defensive about it. Advertised as "The Brady Bunch of the 90s!" the show garnered rave reviews from critics judging it on the scale of "Is this a better or worse show than Cop Rock" and by its third season was a huge success, anchoring the "tentpole" 9:00 PM timeslot. Studio execs refer to this as the "tentpole" because it helps hold up the rest of the night's shows and because sex between Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Sommers would closely resemble the act of pitching a tent.
It stayed on television for like fourteen-hundred seasons without anyone watching it in what I like to call the "Boy Meets Wormhole." It began as THERE IS AN INCREDIBLY LARGE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE LIVING IN MY HOME, took the next step and added even more, and by the time it was done revolved almost exclusively around country music and a French hair salon. It is the pretty much-remembered "Step by Step."
LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE, THERE ARE SO MANY. Don't think of it as another television cliché; think of it as something you've enjoyed a billion times already!
In the small town of Port Washington, Wisconsin is where we find the newly conjoined Foster-Lamberts adjusting to their ramshackle new life as upper-class rich geniuses with perfect consciences and their giant, fully-accommodating house. The theme song refers to this as "a fresh start over" and a "different hand to play." And since the down-to-Earth Lamberts and the uppity Fosters adjust so quickly to their blended family to the point of delusionally believing that they are natural brothers and sisters within the first season of the show we can assume that "our dead Father" and "our previous Mother" are the six of spades and three of clubs that weren't advantageous to the card game.
Frank, a constructor by trade (in the spirit of Mike Brady before him), is the man who's penis sets this torrid morality play in motion. The Jew-froed Frank (in the spirit of Mike Brady before him) was played by veteran television star Patrick Duffy, who some of our older readers will remember as Bobby James Ewing on the hit drama "Dallas." Even older readers will remember him as "The Man From Atlantis," a low-rent Aquaman sci-fi television series where he had webbed feet and hooked up with a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium. Readers who are skimming this because they have the attention span of a dog fart may remember him as the left leg of Scuzzlebutt on that one volcano episode of "South Park." Frank always had the best interest of his family in mind but was routinely forced into a charade where he would try to explain the inner-workings of the male psyche to Carol (things like fixing cars, watching football, and the like) all while making turd face and using elaborate hand gestures in this high-pitched eager voice that made him sound like a First Class Homosexual in the spirit of Mike Brady before him. The major difference being that Mike earned Carol Brady's trust with logic and a routine deep-dicking while Frank earned his Carol's trust with flannel shirts and hair that throughout the show ranged from greasy pompadour
(Patrick Duffy circa 1991)
to rotten head of cauliflower.
(Patrick Duffy circa 1998)
The Thighmistress pictured with P. Duffy is none other than Suzanne Sommers, most famous for her role as Chrissy Snow on the awesome show "Three's Company" and less famous for her role on the nominally less awesome 'She's the Sheriff." Has there been a more direct and telling title for a show than "She's the Sheriff?" It was a show that attempted to be feminist by putting a woman in power, but instead of the logical choice of making her a woman who has become sheriff they chose to make her a housewife who is thrust into the role of sheriff and therefore victim to ensuing hilarity. It was about as feminist as vaginal rot. They should give her a show now called "She is Depressing and Sixty."
On "Step by Step" Sommers uses her Genesis Machine to drain the life force from the abstract idea of comedy itself as Carol Foster, who is both beautician and the beast. Carol countered Frank's every-man logic with overprotective motherly smothering, forcing her children into a kind of static misery that commands they do practical things like return wallets full of money to the authorities or grow up to be passive-aggressive maniacs. Carol wore vests with the ferocity of ten men and was always nagging Frank to perform tasks he appeared to already be performing, which could be due to the fact that in 1991 Suzanne Sommers had her face grafted on with lasers and cannot clearly see through the protective layer of adhesive tan and tightly-pulled flesh. Look at those pictures up there, that's seven years difference on a fifty-plus year old woman. Pretty impressive work even for a Genesis Machine. I could only use my Genesis Machine to play NHL '95.
These two old people could've just lived happily together but they had a notion that no household can be complete without FILLING IT TO THE BREAKING POINT WITH HUMAN BODIES.
The most productive participant in Suzanne Sommers' sloppy "second time around" was her genius daughter Dana, who was always intelligent and perfect despite the fact that by this point I count at least Four Dads.
1) Paul Reiser
2) Guy who looked like Jesus
3) Mr. Foster
4) Frank Lambert
Does "The Judge" count as a "Dad?" I had a longstanding theory that neither Paul Resier nor Jesus was Staci Keanan real father but that she was in fact the daughter of The Judge, who was just fucking with them. Who am I to blame her? If they were too busy hoarding money and making progressive sculpture out of copper wire and Quaker Oats cans to put aside their selfish insecurities and get a blood test what better kind of coddling future than the one wrapped in the iron fist of the woman who was the voice of and looked like the Grandma from Dinosaurs?
Dana was the show's wet blanket, always making sure to let everyone know that their plans were a bad idea while demanding to be exempt from standard childhood and adolescence tribulations like curfew. She was constantly making bold statements about family and who was and was not her real dad, often causing situations where Patrick Duffy would have to look pained and confused in a way not directly related to the tightness of his blue jeans. As the show went on and her siblings (and Kel) grew up normally, Keanan took it upon herself to age four years for every one, reaching maturity by the third season and seniority by the seventh. The focus became less on her know-it-all antics and more on her personal relationships, most notably her long-running romance with brother JT's best friend Rich, played by Jason Marsden (left).
Marsden has many talents not limited to debilitating JT with the Mandible Claw. You may remember him as the wacky best friend on a variety of shows (like "Boy Meets World," "Blossom," and "Full House") but if you are of my generation (ages 18-25) you should remember and honor him as the voice of Michael in "Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue." He's also been in about a billion other things (voice acting for Disney as Goofy's son Max, being Brittany Murphy's brother on "Almost Home", being the cat in "Hocus Pocus") so if you see a guy in a show who is three feet tall and not exactly pulling off "high school student" chances are it's Marsden.
Rich was never officially a "Lambert" but by the end of the show he practically lived there, as every episode focused on how he and Dana were in love, which I believe was only introduced into the show because the first few seasons were [ ] this close to having JT and Dana break down and start fucking each other on-screen. The sexual tension was enough to turn Staci Keanan's hair a bizarre shade of bright white.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO A PUMPKIN THAT GETS STRUCK BY
LIGHTNING
Who's hair wouldn't turn white from trauma if they'd spent a few season having sexual tension with THIS guy?
JT is the oldest of the Lambert children and some otherworldly amalgamation of Chris Penn and Forrest Gump. JT is the self-proclaimed "joker" of the family who is always taking time out of his day to demean and berate others.
Brandon Call, the actor that played JT, has a really interesting and horrifically unlucky career going.
1) He was originally cast to play Kevin Arnold in
"The Wonder Years," one of the best shows in the history of television, but was
replaced at the last minute by Fred Savage.
2) He was the original Hobie, Spawn of Hasselhoff, on "Baywatch" during
that first season when the show was a flop. He left the show to do "Step by
Step," right before they wheeled in all the big-tittied models to run around in slow
motion and make everyone around them a trillion dollars.
3) He was shot in both arms during a robbery attempt in 1996.
After "Step by Step" was canceled Brandon stopped acting for whatever reason. Maybe it was because he'd been shot. Maybe it was because he didn't want the next great television phenomenon dangled in front of his face only to have it snatched away. Maybe it was because he'd just spent seven seasons playing a guy in a cheese hat who wanted to bone his sister. I can't tell you the real reason why he decided to hang it up. I can, however, tell you why he had his hair cut like that. Because he spent the first few seasons with one of the most flagrant mullets in the history of network television.
Holy shit, look at that thing.
Even the background extra is confused and disgusted.
Squirrel pelt or no, JT's most defining moment on "Step by Step" also has to be on any objective viewer's ballot for whatever the television equivalent of the Gooker Award is: JT'S WORLD. One day JT just bursts in and announces that he is getting his own public access program called "JT'S WORLD," where he does things like EXTREME CLOSEUPS and says things that he has just now made up and has never heard anywhere else in the realm of popular culture like "SHEAH RIGHT" and "SCHWING." Here are the lyrics to the JT'S WORLD theme:
ITS JT'S WORLD
JT'S WORLD
PARTY TIME
EXCELLENT
WOO WOO WOO WOO WOOO
Yes, it was JT in a hat that read "JT'S WORLD" playing guitar, AND NOBODY ON THE STEP BY STEP WRITING TEAM SEEMED TO THINK THE VIEWING AUDIENCE WOULD NOTICE. I e-mailed one of the writers to ask him about this, and here is the response I got.
Seriously though, what the shit? Am I to believe that there is even one person on the planet who watched "Step by Step" who did not also have anything related to "Wayne's World," be it the films or Saturday Night Live itself on their radar? It's not like somebody took an episode of some sixties British comedy like "Steptoe and Son," filled it with black people, and then cracked my ass up with Aunt Esther fifteen years later. It's just out and out thievery, and just so bad. SO BAD. Like, Powerglove levels of bad.
In unrelated news, my favorite episode of "Step by Step" is the one where they have STAR WARS.
Playing "Garth" to JT's "Wayne" was Cody, Frank's "spaced-out but lovable" nephew who took up RV residence in the Lambert's driveway due to the show needing Steve Urkel on it 24/7 to draw any ratings. Cody was the wise sage and idiot savant, dishing out helpful advice to all members of the family great and small about life and relationships despite being two steps away from complete retard. During his run on the show Cody wore a giant cheese head, won a bar fight, was convinced he was a werewolf, and moved to Russia.
Okay, two things to remember about Cody:
1) He was played by Sasha Mitchell, who filled Jean-Claude Van Damme's shoes SO HORD that the next Bison wannabe felt it in the direct-to-video sequels to "Kickboxer." So Cody was a master of karate, breaking out a spin kick every now and then just to break up the monotony/realism of the American Mid-West. Sasha was forced to leave "Step by Step" after allegations arose that he had beaten his wife. These charges were dropped when the judge realized Sasha's wife had dishonorably thrown salt into her husband's eyes during their fatal final confrontation in the Kumite and was therefore legally obligated to say "ma-te."
2) Cody prefaced and followed every thing he ever said with "YEAAA-UHH." I can't actually type out the noise he made. It was like saying "yeah" but then trailing off into a stuttering oral fart.
Frank: "Cody, we need you to watch the
kids."
Cody: "YEAAA-UH Uncle Frank, SHEYEAAA-UH, I can watch the kids, YEAAA-UH"
Frank: "I'm serious, Cody. Carol and I are going out for our anniversary
dinner and we don't want any of our kids ferociously beaten."
Cody: "YEAAA-UH, no sweat Uncle Frank, the Code-Man has got the situation (does
serious face) under control SHEYEAAA-UH"
Cody was always making serious face and talking sincerely before going right back into Ted Theodore Logan on PCP, being the cause and solution to all of the Lamberts' problems. When Cody was summoned off to Russia the Urkel-Jerk was handed over to sassy French hairdresser Jean-Luc, played by Bronson Pinchot.
You, of course, remember Bronson as Balki from "Perfect Strangers," the show that followed an impressionable foreigner as he learned about America by constantly fucking everything up for everyone around him, including his well-meaning but neurotic cousin Tully Blanchard.
The rest of the Foster-Lambert household was of little consequence but nevertheless had entire episodes devoted to them, presumably on the days when Patrick Duffy was feeling bloated and wanted to just lounge there on the couch in his tight-ass blue jeans and only pop his used cotton-swab hairdo out when one of the kids needed emotional guidance.
These two belong to Frank. The barfoid on the right is the least important person on the show, which by definition makes him the least important person in existence: Brendan. In the grand tradition of Chuck from "Happy Days" and Judy from "Family Matters" Brendan was wiped from the show near the end of the show to make room for Frank and Carol's new baby. The most impressive thing Ol' Satchmo did in his life on the show was riding on the blue screen roller coaster in the opening credits. He was not missed.
The girl on the left is another story. Alicia was different from the other girls. She didn't enjoy putting on makeup or wearing pretty dresses. She would rather spend the afternoon chasing frogs around the creek than talk on the phone to boys. She didn't want a sissy girl name! She wanted to be one of the boys! Rough and tumble! That was the story behind AL Lambert, the child of Frank's who had the cosmic destiny of being born between the invisible baby and the fat kid with his hair cut like your oldest boy by the name of Carl. When the other girls went out on dates Al stayed home in her overalls, preferring the simpler, more honest things in life.
Of course by the time the actress hit puberty and got boobs she immediately became vapid, put on a dress, and became indistinguishable from the others. She contracted what I like to call "Topanga's Ambition." Namely, when a young girl believes she can make something unique and powerful out of her life until her reverse balls drop. I would blame the writers for being base and chauvinistic here, but you've got to realize that Al didn't just hit puberty: she stared into the eyes of the Basilisk and turned into a STONE FOX.
Al came out of the box strong, though, and her defining moment was all the way back in episode two. Of all the people in the world in all the towns in the world on all the planets in the infinite universe, Al Lambert bent her knees and stuck out her pelvis at a school dance with Steve Urkel. And I'm telling you, baby, it was better than Elvis.
Al brought the Urkel Dance frighteningly close to home for Port Washington as the entire class was under his spell, spinning, dipping, jumping, and cavorting, and by the time he was done their young lives had been finished off with a laugh and snort. I swear to God the fucker is like Black Hitler in highwater pants, demanding everybody DO IT. DO IT. EVERYBODY DO THE URKEL DANCE. How are these kids even supposed to know what the Urkel Dance is? They live in the middle of Wisconsin. They should be lucky to know what a flushing toilet is.
And yes, Black Hitler says "ich be ein Berliner."
Karen is the spoiled brat of the family, falling in the Foster middle and filling any good sitcom's Hillary Banks Memorial Conceited Bitch Award for Excellence in the Field of Walking Into the Room Holding Shopping Bags. Unlike her Mother, younger brother, and older sister Karen has black hair and very dark features, which leads us to believe she takes after her Father, who is in an airtight coffin and therefore completely black. Karen is the one who is always going on about being a model, and is duped by a rogue fashion photographer every fifteen or sixteen episodes into believing she is getting her big break and is on her way to Paris. She's also the one who spends six seasons and circa 23 episodes being a self-centered whore but has that one episode somewhere in the middle where she learns a valuable lesson on priorities at the soup kitchen.
After a while Karen gave up her modeling career to
focus on her true love: COUNTRY MUSIC. With Huck Finn on
drums she set out to take Nashville Branson any
city with a big country music scene Disney World by storm. She even enters
a contest with Dana and Al as her backup singers, but fires them when she doesn't feel
their unwavering dedication to her sudden whim. Later, when she is on stage, she
realizes she needs them. I think this is all due to the inferiority complex she got
living in the shadow of her more successful little brother, Sally Jesse Raphael.
So let's count 'em up.
1) A Father who is dismayed that there are SO
MANY PEOPLE LIVING IN HIS HOUSE.
2) A Mother with a dead husband who left her children in Wisconsin while she went
to Jamaica.
And these people are responsible for
3) A know-it-all latent albino with almost an entire
hand full of paternal influences.
4) Midget boyfriend
5) A tubby gimp in a Cosby sweater.
6) A stoned nephew with communication issues who at any random time may begin beating up
the girls.
7) A French stylist who responds to all signs of distress by getting out of the city.
8) A tomboy who who is into dressing up and dating more than actual tomboy activities.
9) Narcissistic Reba
10) Sally Jesse Raphael
Also not mentioned in this article
11) The fat Aunt who decides to leave the idiots to
their own devices after the first season
12) JT's girlfriend "Sam,"
13 & 14) Cody's beaten wife; Ray Jackson cheering from the sidelines.
15) The baby that showed up in the last season, played by the fat-headed Welch's Grape
Juice girl.
15 & 16) Larry and Garry, the actual living human Beavis and Butthead next door
Yes, they had Beavis and Butthead in their home on multiple occasions. No, I don't know why.
Why did any of this happen? Why did Frank and Carol not decide to date after they met in Jamaica, considering that they both previously lived in the same small town in Wisconsin? Why did JT and Dana want to knock toboggans so badly that they had to introduce two tertiary romance storylines to dissolve it? Why did that guy just shoot Brandon Call in the arms?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PEOPLE LIVING IN MY HOME?
All just to reach the innate, natural power of 1.0 Urkel. The world may never understand the mysteries of "Step by Step."
Heh heh, Step by Step sucks, heh heh, heh heh
