B's post about a short-lived
early '90s sitcom featuring a family with an unnecessarily large
amount of chilren was so popular that I thought I'd strike while
the iron was hot. Oops, there I go again, typing out my inner
monlogue and including it verbatim as part of my post. And by
typing that last sentence, as well as this one, I continue to do
so, and my writing takes on a weird, self-aware, post inside a
post quality.
Que?
Rating
The Torkelsons
An
Evening at The Torkelsons
Better
Living Through The Torkelsons
. . .
. . .
Deadwood
Hicks on TV: A
Torkelsons Primer
written by Emily -
March 36th - 2004
click the image to hear part of "Theme from The
Torkelsons."
The year was 1991. I was 9 years old, a blonde speck of a girl in
an NKOTB t-shirt and MC Hammer pants. TV was different then.
Stephanie was still the cute one on Full House. There was only
one Law&Order, and it was unthinkably Briscoe-free. And a
little show called "The Torkelsons," with it's "aw
gee shucks consarnit" attitude and morally high-falootin'
cast, was winning the hearts of no one and being quickly
cancelled. NO ONE BUT ME THAT IS.
The premise was a simple one: spirited and colorful mom is poor
and has many children. Children are also spirited and colorful.
PS they're poor. The show was produced by Disney, which is
probably where most of you have seen it. And since we're talking
about wholesome early-nineties Disney, and not the current Super
Sexy Hillary Duff Disney, The Torkelsons was achingly vanilla and
sin free. Lacking that bachanalian quality that made, say, ALF so
memorable, The Torkelsons were dead set on portraying the trials
and tribulations of a nice, clean living, and VERY VERY POOR
southern family. The entire crux of the show was the debate
between mother and oldest daughter Dorothy Jane over whether she
should be allowed to date. One of the major conflicts involved
oldest son Steven Floyd (and here's a question? What the Eff is
up with all the middle names on this show? I know it's supposed
to be The South and all, but who honestly calls all of their
children by the first and middle names? Seriously, there's no
joke here, is this really something that goes on and I'm making
fun of it for no reason? 'Cause I know like one mom that ever did
that to her daughter, and it was only because their last name was
"Beana" and, when the daughter was about 15, mom
decided her middle name should be "Garbanzo."
After about one season, the Torkelsons, not unlike the Lubbocks,
were forced to leave their comfortable family home, move across
the country (on a bus no less) to Seattle, where Ma Torkelson
became a maid for the rich Morgan family (father Perry King,
daughter pre-cracked out Brittany Murphy, and son Jason "No,
no cyclops. The other one. The short one." Marsden). The
show was renamed, "Almost Home," and was about as
successful as it's predecessor. Unfortunately, some of the
children were lost during the trek, and the Torkelson family
arrived on the west coast two short. But we'll get to that in a
minute.
Anyway, once you've grasped that everyone is Southern, Cornfed,
and MORALLY UPRIGHT, you can pretty much Build-Your-Own-Adventure
through any given episode. For those of you who were hoping to do
just that (and trust me, I've seen some of the search strings
this site brings in, I wouldn't put it past any of you freaks),
here's a handy profile guide of Ma Torkelson and her many many
offspring.
"To wash the sins off the children, go to page
14."
"To see if mom turns into beezlebub, go to page 28."
"To see how much better Jon is at this concept, go to the archives."
Millicent Torkelson
Played by: Connie Ray
Purpose in life: Siring children, it would seem.
Millicent also occupied her time penny pinching and cutting
corners so that she and her tribe could continue to be poor in
their gigantic TV house. Seemed to be doing laundry a lot.
"Almost Home" reinvention: Millicent's
job in Seattle was to play out the reverse, moral majority
version of "Who's the Boss?" with Pa Morgan, being
sassy and throwing out sexual tension at the breakfast nook.
Other notable achievements: according to IMDB,
such memorable roles as "Mother," "Teacher,"
"Owner's Girlfriend," and "Annoyed Flight
Attendent." Last year she was in "How to Deal."
Anyone who participates in furthering the fame of Mandy Moore
loses ten superstar points.
Not to be confused with: Park Overall
Random funny image I found while doing research:
Dorothy Jane Torkelson
Played by: Olivia Burnette
Purpose in life: Dorothy Jane was the
"sensitive" child, the one who existed both to hammer
home the point that the Torkelsons were blue collar and shunned
by all those rich Oklahoma society folk, and also go through teen
drama that young people and adults alike can relate to. Her big
schtick was that she talked to "the Man in the Moon"
for advice, which basically meant we got a lot of downward shots
from her bedroom window seat. She also had a mean crush on one
Riley Roberts, seen in the first picture. I included this because
B and I were arguing about that guy last night, as I existed no
one from "The Torkelsons" had ever gone on to be on
"Lois and Clark." Then I found out I was wrong and felt
bad, so there you go. Yeah, we were arguing about "The New
Adventures of Superman." We're super cool.
"Almost Home" reinvention: Dorothy
Jane pretty much stayed the same, her hair just started to take
over her head and then the rest of her body. Also, she became the
"nice girl" foil to Brittany Murphy's dumb, boy-crazy
fashionista. Molly cheated on a test, Dorothy Jane was outraged.
Molly lied to her father to go out with a guy, Dorothy Jane was
outraged. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Other notable achievments: Olivia Burnette has
done quite a few Lifetime-worthy movies in her day, the most
notable of which was the less campy dramatization of that Texan
mom that killed a cheerleader so her daughter could be on the
squad. She also had a significant part in "The Thorn Birds:
the Missing Years," which I fucking loved, 'cause I was a
dirty little kid with nothing better to do than watch tv movies
about clergyman having sex. She also did a voice in the Peanuts
Get Cancer Too special, "Why Charlie Brown Why?" Which,
by wrestling terms, means that Charlie Brown has just made a heel turn.
Not to be confused with: Chaka Khan's weave
Random funny image I found while doing research:
Steven Floyd Torkelson
Played by: Look at the picture douchebag!
Purpose in life: Your typical younger brother
character, Steven Floyd was only around to irritate and 'cause a
ruckus! That's. . . really. . . all I remember. Let's face it,
nobody gave a shit about anyone on The Torkelsons except Mom,
Sensitive Oldest Daughter, and Precocious Younger Children.
That's why poor Steven Floyd got dumped in favor of JT's little
buddy from "Step by Step."
"Almost Home" reinvention: DEAD.
Steven Floyd was tragically caught under the wheels of the bus
that took the Torkelson family out of Pyramid Corners.
Other notable achievements: Not a whole damn
lot. Though he did once guest star in an episode of Dr. Quinn:
Medicine Woman called "Orphan Train," which is about
where Sabin and Shadow run into Cyan's mistress and illegitimate
kid.
Not to be confused with: EMILY'S POST SPECIAL
FEATURE!
"The Steven
Floyd Torkelson Gallery of Comparable Mullets"
Random funny image I found while doing research:
Ruth Anne
Torkelson
Played by: DEADWOOD
Purpose in life: DEADWOOD
"Almost Home" reinvention: DEADWOOD
Other notable achievements: DEADWOOD
Not to be confused with: DEADWOOD
Random funny image I found while doing research:
DEADWOOD
Chuckie Lee Torkelson
Played by: Lee Norris
Purpose in life: Chuckie Lee walked that fine
Torkelson line between "cute" and "get the ugly
kid away from me." He wasn't a trouble maker, really, he was
just irritating. His very existence was one of those things that
gets on your nerves for no reason, like girls named
"Angel." So while he just kind of walked around being
overly inquisitive and, "aw shuck Mawmah" all the time,
you kind of secretly wanted the poor like six year old to get
trapped in Mrs. Torkelsons insanely large washing machine. Like
that episode of Punky Brewster when Cherrie gets locked in a
refrigerator and almost freezes to death. Subsequently, that
episode made me terrified to open my own fridge for months
afterwards. My parents really should've explained things better
to me when I was little. . .
"Almost Home" reinvention: Little to
none. The kid just got more sassy, which in turn made us all want
to beat his nerdy ass even more.
Other notable achievements: MOTHERFUCKING MINKUS Y'ALL! I, like any true hearted and red-blooded American,
was and am a huge Boy Meets World fan. So naturally I have more
than a passing fondness for everyone's favorite obnoxious asshole
smart kid, Minkus. In my television watching life I've seen and
heard many things, including 75 "I SAID SHOW ME WHERE THE
BOMB IS"s, 3 Amy Fisher movies, and approximately 264,872
parodies of Dickens' "A Christmas Carol." But, and I
say this with all honesty, no tv moment has stuck with me quite
as firmly as Minkus showing up after a 4 year absensce to make a
joke about Mr. Turner then leave again.
Not to be confused with: John Ritter's rodent cartoon son
Random funny image I found while doing research:
Mary Sue Torkelson
Played by: Rachel Duncan
Purpose in life: Everyone knows that the only
thing cuter than a sweet unassuming little kid is a sweet
unassuming little kid with a southern accent. I guess. Mary Sue
never did much. For that matter nobody on this show did much. She
just kind of toted her doll around and was nice to everybody.
Which is actually fine with me, because not long after the demise
of the Torkelsons, that overly articulate, slightly creepy little
girl from the Welch's grape juice commercials would become the
Cousin Oliver of Step-by-Step, which I really feel is to blame
for all children on tv and in the movies now being way too smart
and quippy. Like we need to hear Joss Whedon coming out of the
kids on the Bernic Mac show.
"Almost Home" reinvention: Maybe I'm
making this up, but it seems like when the show switched gears
and dropped children, the two little ones were all of the sudden
twins? Did I just make that up? I dunno, someone can no doubt
e-mail me on all of my Torkelon mythos inaccuriacies.
Other notable achievements: Playing "Bea
Van Arsdale" in the movie "The Crazysitter." This
is mentioned for no other reason than the fact that the fucking
movie is called, "The Crazy Sitter."
Not to be confused with: Libby from Grace Under Fire
Random funny image I found while doing research:
And thats it! Those of you with a keen eye for detail will note that I left out key Torkelson tertiary Wesley 'Boarder' Hodges, who lived in the Torkelson basement. There's a very good reason for this: It's almost 1 a.m. Monday night and B wants me to stop dicking around looking at Bud Bundy screencaps and turn my damn post in. Nobody gives a shit about Boarder Hodges anyway. I want to thank several key geocities and angelfire webpages for me letting me steal images and wav files without permission. You give the rocket ship flight friends. And, since I couldn't figure out how to surreptitiously stick every sound bite into an image, here are a couple more, for all your auditory masturbation needs.
Talking to the Man in the Moon
Dorothy Jane gets her bitch on
You'll ditch me!
"YAAAAAASE"
Emily
Imsophiapetrillo@yahoo.com
Aim: Roxymoron87
