| All right kids,
time to fess up. I want a show of hands. Who regularly watches this
show on the Disney channel? C'mon now, don't be shy. I know you
do it, and you know you do it. We're not here to judge, we're here
to heal. Now, I want everyone to stand up, one by one, state your
name and why you've come tonight.
"Hello, my name is _________, and I can't stop watching Boy
Meets World."
"Hello, my name is _________, and I regularly use Corey and
Topanga as a primer for how my own relationship should exist."
"Hello, my name is _________, and even though the show has
been cancelled, every night I flip to Disney and find myself falling
into the deep blue somethings of Rider Strongs eyes."
"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya __________,
you killed my father, prepare to die."
"Hello, my name is _________, and I'm here because I can't
get enough of those wacky talking cars."
I'm sorry sir. You're in the wrong room. Talking car addiction
is down the hall and to your right.
. . . .you sick bastard.
For those who don't remember, "Boy
Meets World" was a b-team TGIF stalwart that premiered in 1993
and inexplicably ran for seven seasons. Chronologically, think post-"Step
by Step" and pre-"Teen Angel". It followed the misadventures
of Cory Mathews, played by Kevin Arnold's little brother, and his
band of merry pranksters. The show started off as nothing more than
your typical, "Young man grows up, does/learns things."
As the show progressed, however, everyone slowly went insane. But
we'll get to that in a moment. We're here today to build an episode
of our very own, so we'll have to start with the core requirements.
Or is it. . . CORY requirements?
. . . nope. Core. Moving on.
MEET
THE PRINCIPLES. . . AND THE PRINCIPAL.
Corey Mathews
Character sketch: Cory is the center of the show,
the reason it exists and why we're forced into the lives of these
people each week. At the start of the show, he wants to be a baseball
player. However this idea is quickly dropped in favor of making
Cory a busy body who thinks of nothing but the activities of his
best friend Shawn and his girlfriend Topanga.
Can be used for: Earlier seasons of Cory find him
learning life lesson, "meeting the world" if you will.
Later seasons find him doing very little that don't involved Troubled
Friend or Incredibly Patient Girlfriend. Also, one should be warned
that, while almost any episode will require at least some Cory content,
later years will find his impossibly brillo-like head taking valuable
screentime away from other characters. Why do you think Topanga
had to cut her hair? TO PLEASE THE JEW FRO.
Shawn Hunter
Character sketch: Shawn was a bad boy. A troubled
loner. A kid from the wrong side of the tracks. And other things
that imply Shawn is different from the other white bread yuppies
on the show.. If nothing else, Shawn pleases us for having gone
through Jr. High, High School, and college without ever changing.
Despite the fact the fact that approximately 52% of the show involved
Shawn running away to pursue some hair-brained idea, all Shawn ever
had to do on this show was stay black and die. Except rather than
stay black, he stayed down home Pennsylvania trailor trash, and
he never gave us the pleasure of dying. How can I describe Shawn?
Shawn was basically that kid you went to high school with, that
never did well in school, KNEW he wouldn't ever do well in school,
and was totally pissy about the fact he's stupid. Shawn always has
to throw it in everyone's face how he's, "just not cut out
for (insert some variation of 'uppity book learnin' here),"
or, "just not like you, Corey." Shawn had his motivation
and he ran with it. He wrote "POOR AND STUPID, ANGSTY"
on his little index card, taped it to the mirror in his dressing
room, and he gave us seven glorious seasons of poor, angst-ridden
stupidity.
Can be used for: Teaching Life Lessons. Shawn is
also good for throwing himself into increasingly ridiculous situations
so that Cory can look down his gigantic nose and say, "Shawn
what are you doing? Don't you know you could get yourself killed?"
Then the heartfelt music plays, and Shawn decides he doesn't want
to do drugs/run away/work for the mafia/jump on his skateboard over
a pool of sharks and killer bees.
Topanga Lawrence
Character sketch: Originally a peace loving hippie,
Topanga's role on the show was the shoehorn vast sweeping generalizations
of feminism into the mouth of an 11 year old girl. This, naturally,
burned the asses of 11 year old "we dont' know any better"s
Cory and Shawn. So Topanga became the man-hating nemesis to Cory's
Monty Brown. Later, thanks to the rainbow colored eraser of revisionist
history, Topanga become Cory's lifelong (literally, from the womb)
girlfriend, and later wife. All semblence of hippy Topanga (Birkenstocks,
pretty crimpy hair, a will of her own) were replaced by a fiercely
competitive need to be the best student at John Adams High, while
also morphing into the oft-ignored voice of reason when Cory came
up with/did something incredibly stupid.
Can be used for: The addition of a boob-ridden
Jiminy Cricket to Corey's incredibly dumb Pinocchio. Also, good
for upping the discomfort level every time the teen soulmates begin
Dawson and Joeying about how they've been meant for each other since
conception, or some such bullshit.
Eric Mathews
Character sketch: Eric started out on the show
as Cory's preppy, popular older brother. At some point, we're told
that Eric is an incredibly bad student and we have to worry for
about two episodes over whether he'll get into college or not.Eventually
our fears are eliviated when Eric is accepted to Pennbrook College,
which aparently lets in all students that write "FROM THE CAST
OF BOY MEETS WORLD" in red crayon where the application asks
for "race." After beginning college, Eric swiftly goes
insane. Every Eric storyline thereafter is required to be incredibly
irreparably ridiculous, and more often than not involve him finding
some way to stalk Mr. Feeny. Eric is eventually given a buddy/sidekick
in Shawn's brother Jack (played by Beta Lawrence). But Jack is good
for little else than making his patented Squinty Face of Concern,
and looking like he's always just waiting on that phone call from
his agent to go do another Disney movie with his brothers, Alpha
and Omega Lawrence.
Can be used for: derailing every episode by running
onto the set, dumping a bowl of spaghetti onto his head, screaming,
"I FUCKED JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT," and then bursting into
tears at the state of his life.
Mr. Feeny
Character sketch: In the early days, Mr. Feeny
was the hard-nosed authority figure to Corey and Shawn's wacky youth.
As the show went on, and the writers found more and more illogical
ways for Feeny to be their teacher EVERY YEAR for seven seasons,
Feeny became more of a sage elder, the giver of advice and solver
of problems. So much so that, by the end of the series, Corey and
especially Eric often appeared distracted in scenes with Mr. Feeny,
as if while he spoke they were looking for ways to discretely unbutton
his shirt and suckle long and hard from his all knowing man breast.
Also, the later seasons Mr. Feeny got a love interest in the form
of Pennbrook's Dean of students. Fun fact, Dean Bolander was played
by William Daniels real-life wife, Bonnie Bartlett. Probably because
Daniels wanted a chance to spend more time with his spouse, but
couldn't seem to escape from season after season of fucking McMillan
and Wife. And Friend. And Lunatic Brother.
Can be used for: The giving of sage advice. Or
the dispersing of punishment. That's all really. The poor man couldn't
even go outside to prune his hedges without the neighbor kids running
out and expecting him to raise them.
Choose
Your Era
Now that we've got our core cast,
it's time to choose one of 4 eras in which to place our episode.
Each era will be briefly descibed, and there will be a breakdown
of supporting characters to choose from each. Some characters, such
as the parents, were around for all four eras, but will be placed
into the era in which we were first introduced to them. But choose
wisely. For while the true Era will bring you life, the false Era
will take it from you.
Era 1-"In the
Beginning"
This Era covers, essentially, the
first season. The cast are still young, still impressionable, still
somewhat normal. Everyone does normal things in their normal lives
and aren't all insane at all. Shawn is a loner and poor.
Other Characters
Amy and Alan Mathews
Greatest strength: The uncanny ability to give
birth to two WASPy sons, an aryan daughter, and one nebbish Jew.
Greatest liability: Their complete lack of parental
skills. Amy and Alan serve as little more than placeholders until
one of their sons' teachers show up to solve the problem.
Morgan Mathews
Greatest strength:
The actress portraying Morgan was switched somewhere around season
3, and nobody cared enough to notice. So we were spared having to
refer to one of them as "Other Becky."
Greatest liability: Completely useless in every
way, having never been more than a background character for seven
seasons. Was even Judy Winslowed for like, a year, but came back
to just continue being useless.
Minkus
Greatest strength: Lee Norris managed to make the
Minkus character so one dimensionally annoying, he almost made us
forget that he was Chuckie Lee Torkelson
Greatest Liability: Disappeared after the fist
season, returning only for the graduation episode so he could make
a joke about the fact he disappeared after the first season.
Era 2-"Why Am I Growing Hair in Strange Places?"
This Era covers the cast's early days in high school, most notable
for the official start of Cory+Topanga 4Eva, and for Shawn being
an angsty stupid poor kid. If I'm not mistaken, at some point in
this era came the big age jump, when the cast went from being my
age to being two years older than I am.
Other Characters
Mr. Turner
Greatest strength: New York-y accent and motorcycle
ensures that Mr. Turner is the hip alternative to Mr. Feeny, which
ensures that characters will naturally graviate towards him in times
of need until they are old enough to realize you just can't beat
the advice of a talking car. Also, if you happen to find yourself
an angsty, poor, and stupid 14 year old, Mr. Turner will illogically
open his home to you, with no regard for legality or outside opinion.
Greatest liability:
Horrendously outdated mullet caused Mr. Turner to spontaneously
combust, and was never seen nor heard from again after season four.
May or may not have been re-incarnated as "Nick Freno: Licensed
Teacher."
Black Teacher
Greatest strength: Useful in relaying the message
that Mr. Turner is a hip young educator, not a creepy pederast with
far too much involvement in the lives of his students. And not in
a Mr. Feenyesque "they just won't leave me alone" kind
of way. Also, black teacher is good to have around if your episode
is to include any superfluous jazz solos.
Greatest liability: Does not, to my knowledge,
have a name. Hell, who besides me even remembers Black Teacher?
Frankie and Joey
Greatest Strengths: As self-described "lackies,"
Frankie and Joey are good to have around in case one of your core
characters decides to start his or her own gang. Or, in the case
of Joey specifically, grows their hair out and starts making poorly
produced but apparently well recieved indie music. Also, son of
Vader.
Greatest liability:
Cannot actually introduce you to Budnik. Fairly weak intellectually.
Especially susceptible to magic eye posters.
Era 3- "Anyone up for some hard-hitting drama?
Everyone up for some hard-hitting drama!"
Ah, the casualties of youth. Yes, there comes a time in the run
of every coming-of-age series in which the main cast must forgoe
all the trappings of their teen years, and instead stuff about a
decade's worth of drama into just the few short months of their
senior year of high school. This era finds our cast, rather than
progressing normally into adulthood, instead jumping headlong into
grown up drama and never looking back. Cory and Topanga think for
about half a second that they'll have to split up for college, then
naturally decide that not only should Topanga give up an Ivy league
education for her posessive and old manish boyfriend, but they should
also get married. At age 18. Without even the good excuse of a bastard
child on the way. Shawn tries each episode to find a new way to
escape Cory, always under the guise of "finding himself."
But Cory, none the wiser, always manages to drag the poor street
urchin back to his house to convince him that they belong together
forever. Also, despite still being poor and angsty, Shawn is given
the Darlene Conner makeover, suddenly becoming interested in photography
and poetry. He also manages to up the angsty ante, continuing his
constant family drama while obtaining a bitchy girlfriend and throwing
relationship drama into the fold. It's all drama, all the time during
Era 3. But we're at least given comfort by Eric's quick descent
into madness.
Other Characters
Jack Newman
Greatest strength: Well, I suppose you need someone
around to play straight man after first Eric and then Cory both
go off the deep end. What better way than by giving Shawn a brother
we've never heard of? Oh! We'll make him a half brother, with a
wealthy step-father! That way, we can explain away his absence in
the previous seasons while also avoiding any more of that tricky
Shawn Hunter life drama that's grown so tiresome at this point!
Hooray for the useless white bread character!
Greatest liability: To paraphrase the good men
and women of Blender magazine, Jack is so boring that, while watching
him, you may actually forget that you're watching tv. I mean, we
as a nation don't expect much from the Lawrence brothers as a collective.
But Matt actually manages to be more cardboard and less charismatic
than Joey. And we can't even make fun of him for having fetal alcohol
syndrome like we can Andy. Though the boy does kind of look like
an Irish wolfhound.
Chet Hunter
Greatest strength:
Looking just a little too much like Walter Sobchak for his own good,
Chet Hunter shows up in Era 3 to teach us that even if you are just
a simple truck drivin', trailer livin' man with a stupid artsy fuck
kid, you better get busy livin' or get busy dyin'. But even if you
do die, you'll show up every episode as Ghost Dad to give advice
to all members of the cast related to you or not.
Greatest liability: Death will give fuel to Shawn's
fire for the rest of the series. Will also cause him to go on illogical
road trips in which he meets up with a girl group
you've never heard of in a truck stop.
Angela Moore
Greatest strength: With a shake of her wacky head
and a snap of her wacky fingers, Angela (played by the 47 year old
Trina McGee-Davis) instantly wackied her way into our collective
disinterest as the equally bitchy and angsty foil to bitchpants
Shawn. So she's good to have around if you require Shawn to makeout/break
up with someone. Or if you pull Topanga's head out of Cory's a-hole
long enough to spout some trite dialogue about the shortcomings
of testosterone and you need a Black Debbie there to go, "MMM
HMMM GUUUURRRL."
Greatest liability: Despite spending several years
as a series regular, was never more than one of those dolls with
the strings in their back. You pull Angela's string, and she'll
either say, "Shawn, I don't love you," "*sigh* men,"
or "funny hair and mismatched clothes? THAT MUST MAKE ME THE
KOOKY ART CHICK."
Era 4-"Crazy Jew and Crazy Brother."
At this point, the show was more
or less derailed by the mental illness of most of it's primary cast.
Cory was crazy. Eric was crazy. Topanga was an enabler. And William
Daniels spent every episode plastered against your tv screen whispering,
"Help. . . . Meeeee. . . " Cory and Topanga do eventually
get married. Shawn and Angela break up and make up 89 gillion times.
And Eric begins to soil himself and compulsively masturbate on screen.
Then the series illogically ends with the entire core cast "growing
up" and moving to New York City together. Despite the fact
that none of them except Eric have graduated college at this point,
and they live in Philadelphia which is only like a morning's drive
from NYC.
Other characters
Eight Foot Tall Redhead
Greatest strength:
Being twice the height of any other cast member, EFTR (also known
as Rachel) is good to have around in case your episode involves
someone losing their baseball into the neighbor's yard, and requires
someone to peer over an exceptionally tall fence. EFTR is also useful
in case you need a contrived love triangle involving Crazy Eric
and his pet rock, Jack.
Greatest liability: Eight Foot Tall Redheads are
hard to film.
Choose
Your Storyline
(This part's easy)
*Shawn puts himself in perilous situation, finds himself.
*Shawn tries to separate himself from Cory, to find himself.
*Cory and Topanga love each other.
*Cory is a crazy Jew.
*Eric is a crazy Anglo.
*Topanga thinks she's fat.
. . . and that pretty much covers it! Now, all you have to do is
top with some crush cornflakes, back at 350 and voila! Your very
own "Boy Meets World" episode. Don't forget to swing by
the P-boi forums (if they ever get fixed) to tell everyone how your
episode turned out. Or to tell me that Black Teacher's name was
Eli Williams. HAH, FOILED AGAIN!
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