|
|
|
| Sesame Street |
| DISCLAIMER: ProgressiveBoink.com
isn't exactly for children. |
Not long ago, I wrote a loving ode to the street I live on. Now, here's a tribute to the other street I grew up on. I watched & enjoyed the living crap out of this show far longer than I should have. It's become a part of me that I couldn't get rid of if I wanted to. I blame my mother. She teaches preschool, & as a result, she can often be found wandering around the house, singing her little preschool songs, at least half of which are from Sesame Street. And now, I've picked up this habit. Not out loud, but in my head. When I was doing the spring design, with the rain background, I had that "It's a rainy day" song as mental background music. Sesame Street has made a Pavlov's dog out of me. I can't avoid it. It's part of my subconscious now. I can't go food shopping without having "a loaf of bread, a container of milk, & a stick of butter" repeating in my frigging head. When I'm 85 years old, permitting that my dentures are strong enough, I'll still bite into a cookie in such a way that it looks like the letter C without even realizing what I'm doing. And if that's my fate, that's good enough for me. And so, I have compiled a list of my 25 favorite Sesame Street moments. Some of these may not be the greatest, some may not be the most important... but these are the ones that I'll keep with me as the most genuine memories of my first teacher: the world's most famous address. "I'm Billy Joe Jive: Super
Crimefighting Ace!" You know that thing that sits on the edge of your memory, with random chunks clinging onto the edge? In my head, Billy Joe Jive is that thing. Here's a list of the only things I remember about stupid Billy Joe Jive.
THAT'S IT. That's all the reminiscing I can possibly do about Billy Joe Jive. He makes the list because I'm never going to get rid of this stupid list of facts that my brain seems to consider too important to purge. And also because I want to officially call dibs on Billy Joe Jive as a band name if I ever decide to learn how to play something. "I don't know why
I keep coming to this place." I don't know why you do either, you fat blue idiot. It's not like the fat blue guy could never get a break. He could've just, oh, I don't know, stopped going to Charlie's for lunch, maybe? But, for whatever reason, he'd always find himself going in & being waited on by friendly, lovable Grover. Never mind the fact that Grover's like the guy with 89 pieces of flare & waits tables like he's welcoming freshmen to college. He's just trying to do his job. Most of the time, the food mishaps were Charlie's fault, & Grover would have to deal with the customer complaints. In my favorite restaurant sketch, he's trying to remember Fat Blue's order without the aid of a notepad. Have you been out to eat lately? That's the new "Give me a good tip, please" technique. The server has this sheepish grin as he waits for you to ask him "Are you going to remember all this?" Then he lets out that overconfident half-sigh/half-grunt, blows on his knuckles like one would blow on an apple, points to his temple & says "I got it all up here." You want to impress me, hot shot? Learn how to cook hibachi. At least Grover's cute about it. He's come up with a little rhyme to help him remember not only the order ("Round & tasty on a bun, pickles, french fries, yum yum yum"), but also the table ("In a hurry to be fed, beady eyes & big blue head"). He does a great job remembering it, & he comes back with a grapefruit on a bun.
Fat Blue argues that this isn't what he ordered until Grover remembers another rhyme... "When the great big clock says two, then the waiter's work is through. Time to have a special treat, it's the waiter's turn to eat!" In conclusion, RESTAURANTS CAN BE COMPARED AND CONTRASTED. "Let's sing a song
of 10." Yes, let's. Ten toes!
And that's the Song of 10. Oscar gave this sketch ten Phooeys, but I still think falling down stairs & dropping cake all over the place is comedy platinum.. "Wake up, there! What
are you staring at?" Maria & Luis's wedding was an event in & of itself, but what stands out to me more than the big day is when they first realized they liked each other more than friends & co-workers, & the Muppets' reaction to their twitterpation. Yes, that's a word. I am making it a word. Oscar snaps Luis out of a daze, & that's when he realizes "Hey wait, I was just staring at Maria walking away... and it was awesome!" Oscar doesn't see anything so awesome about Maria's walk, until Luis walks away. Then he sees something he likes about Luis's walk... namely, the way it gets him away from Oscar's trash can. Meanwhile, Maria's contemplating on how cute Luis was when he waved goodbye, & tries to explain it to Elmo. Elmo then spends the next five minutes asking Luis to wave for him a bunch of times, to see if he can figure out the source of cuteness. It's one of the many things that's funnier when you watch it as a grown-up, & this was also back before Elmo monopolized the show, & before the world knew how ticklish he was. Elmo isn't left on this list on purpose. It just turned out this way. Actually, Elmo was a lot more tolerable & a pretty good little guy when got the same amount of airtime as everybody else. "Noo-ne-noo-ne-noo..." The typewriter wheeled along, humming to himself without a care in the world... and then he realized that he'd wheeled himself into a completely white void. Then he knew that something was not right. Something just off screen filled him with wonder or fear, & he knew the first step to overcome it was identifying the problem. "c!" He paused. Get a hold of yourself, Typewriter! You can do this... "cat!" The cat inched forward & let out a loud & defensive meow. It was about twice our hero's size, & certainly not pleased to see him. Think fast, old friend! "little cat!" I don't know how he managed to type a space in between those words. He only has 26 buttons, & the M couldn't even fit on the console. It was hanging off the bottom. Regardless, he'd done it. The cat shrunk down to a harmless kitten, who ran away, frightened, as the typewriter let out a not quite ferocious bark. He giggled at his achievement, & once again felt right with the world. "Psssst... hey, bud."
"You'll be a mother,
& I'll be a father... whoopie!!!" Around 1986 or so, Gordon & Susan adopted their son, Miles. My mother made a rather big deal out of the series of events leading up to it, as both of my siblings & I are all adopted as well. I don't remember being too concerned about it. Adopted was just an adjective to me at the time. I was adopted. Linda was deaf. Big Bird was yellow. That's just the way things were. Looking back on Miles's adoption process, though, the one part that really hits home is the night before Gordon & Susan go to pick him up. They're in their pajamas, staring out the window into the night sky, having the "Tomorrow's the big day" talk. Then Gordon lets out a high-pitched "Whoopie!!!1" that you'd never expect to hear from a thirtysomething, six-foot black man. I think that's the first time I really understood how excited my own parents were about becoming parents, & if I lose all the rest of my sense of self-importance, I'll always have this moment. "Yip yip yip yip yip
yip yip, uh-huh, uh-huh!" I always thought I was a little special because I shared the same birthday as Jim Henson... September 24th. My parents informed me of this fun factoid when I was really little, so I always felt a little connection with the man, & hoped for his creative genius. I mostly liked the Martians because their constant affirmating language sounded like silly nonsense talk. One of their first trips to our planet included an encounter with a telephone, as they consult their guide book to figure out what it is, & how to communicate with it. Thanks to the Internet, I've managed to get a come across a video of this one. Not only does it have that underlying "What is this thing?" lesson, but listening to Jim Henson & Jerry Nelson in character, you get a good idea of how much they loved doing their job & having fun with it. "Don't eat the pictures,
no no no." Getting locked in places like art museums & school overnight is one of those things you see all the time on TV & wish could really happen to you. In 1983, it happened to the entire Sesame Street gang in an hour-long special. They took a bunch of kids & Muppets to the Metropolitan Art Museum, & got locked in overnight trying to find Big Bird. He wandered off somewhere with Mr. Snuffleupagus, who hadn't come out of the imaginary friend closet yet. Those two wind up in some unknown back wing of the museum that houses all the ancient Egyptian stuff... including dead kids in a Purgatorial state. Big Bird & Snuffy meet Sahu, a millenia-old Egyptian boy trapped in his 6-year-old state with his invisible pet cat until the god Osiris determines that Sahu's heart is light enough to let him become a star with his parents. And by star, I mean actual mass of incandescent gas. That's apparently Sesame Street's retelling of the Egyptian's beliefs about the afterlife. Also, this was my first encounter with polytheism, & every time someone finds a link between astronomy & religion, I always think of Sahu & big, scary Osiris. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang is looking for Big Bird as they try & avoid the Charlie Chaplin-esque security guard by going up & down various hallways Scooby-Doo style. Except Oscar, who's busy admiring the wing full of broken statues & other "trash," and Bob, who's busy trying to keep Cookie Monster from eating the still life paintings. Don't eat the pictures. Of course, being a Jersey boy, one of my favorite parts is Bert & Ernie looking at a painting of George Washington crossing the Delaware...
"I one the sandbox!"
Stupid jokes like this that Ernie would pull on Bert made the show for me. Ernie would often go way out of his way just to make one stupid, silly joke, & I've learned to appreciate that approach to humor probably most of all. Oh yeah, & if there's one thing I hate more than those stickers of Calvin peeing on something, it's the jokes about Bert & Ernie being gay, or Bert being evil, or whatever. Next time you mention it, I'm going to unearth a skyscraper with my bare hands, wear it like a brass knuckle, & punch you in the face. "There's no better
letter." The best part about Sesame Street's celebrity parodies is that you don't realize they're parodies when you're a kid. Then you grow up, somebody mentions Placido Domingo, you think of the opera-singing flamingo & go "Wait... ohhhhhh, I see what they did there!" It's great. My favorite of the celebrity Muppet parodies was the Beetles, the suit-wearing insect band that sang the hit song "Letter B." This was the first parody that I figured out was a parody, because I saw the Yellow Submarine cartoon around the same time. Though it did take me a minute or two to figure out who was making fun of who. I still don't know the actual lyrics to "Let It Be," but I can belt out at least a verse & a chorus of this one.
"We used to walk to
school together." Guy Smiley has a huge & rather odd resume. Among the shows he's hosted are one in which a baby has to pick out its grandmother among an old lady and a mustachioed man & dog with wigs on, one in which all the correct answers are "Triangle," & the "Here Is Your Life" series of reunion specials. Anyone & anything, from an oak tree to Forgetful Jones had their own "Here Is Your Life" special, but my favorite was the one for Sneaker, an old, worn out, red Chuck Taylor lost in the back of a closet until the day Guy Smiley decided he deserved a tribute. Sneaker was visited by his designer, his shoemaker, his owner (represented by her bare feet & legs rolled up like she's expecting a flood in her closet), & his left counterpart (who was bought by a sculptor & bronzed as part of an abstract statue). In the end, Sneaker found himself lonely after reliving his memories, & wasn't looking forward to an eternity at the back of the closet. That's when Oscar shows up & offers to add Righty to his rotten sneaker collection... but not before he receives a complimentary memory book & official Guy Smiley ankle bracelet! Sneaker makes the list mostly because gutting the soles of my old Chucks & gluing two halves of a ping pong ball onto the tongue is on my eternal to-do list. "I ran out of clay,
Bert." "I only tease the ones I love" is a popular excuse to bother the crap out of your friends & get away with it. And it works well, sheepish grin emoticon. Ernie may enjoy aggravating Bert, but he doesn't take his friend for granted, by any means. When Ernie's not setting up a joke to play on Bert, he's doing something wonderful for him to show how much their friendship means to him. The greatest Bert tribute of all was when Ernie made a clay sculpture of his best friend. It was awesome, except for the fact that Ernie didn't have enough clay to give the sculpture a nose. He didn't mind showing Bert the unfinished project, but with a little help from Bert, the perfectionist in him finally had the spark of creativity he needed to finish his work of art... "There. Now it looks just like you, Bert!" Pinball Number Count. Of course I'm going to make this number 12. It was either this, or the Goonies again.
Click here to download a mix of the original Pointer Sisters song! (2.47mb Mp3) "Out of his secret garden
somewhere in New Jersey comes your newest favorite super hero!" "What are you, some kind of bad dream?" DO I LOOK LIKE A BAD DREAM? All of my better habits, or lack of bad ones, can be attributed to the advice I took from television characters. I buckle my seat belt because a crash test dummy that talked like Garfield told me I'd die if I didn't. I don't smoke pot because Michaelangelo got together with Baby Miss Piggy & Winnie the Pooh to tell me it was for dorks. And I eat & enjoy my green vegetables, because a unibrowed purple rabbit in a cape said that they're good for me. And they're good for you, so eat them, too. "Do not try to thank
me... I live to serve." When mild-mannered doorknob salesman Grover Kent hears the faint cry for help, he becomes Super Grover, a cute & furry hero who's smarter than a speeding bullet. He may not actually save the day all the time, & by all the time I mean ever, but his mere presence has helped children all around the big city solve their own problems, all by themselves. My favorite Super Grover moment is when he answers a cry for help from a girl who can't get her computer working. His solution is the first of a Grover classic... jumping up & down & going WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA v v WUBBA v WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA v v v WUBBA The girl eventually figures out that she needs to turn the computer on first if she wants to do anything. While any other tech support guy would reach their hand through the phone & strangle her until he can feel her last breath, Super Grover is happy to have saved the day... until he has trouble lifting off into flight. Is he stepping on his cape? No, that's not it. Oh well, it's worth another shot... WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA v v v WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA v v WUBBA WUBBA v WUBBA WU "Heeeeeeere fishy fishy
fishy fishy fishy fishy!" Sometimes Ernie doesn't mean to get the best of Bert. It just happens because of the difference between their characters. While on a fishing trip, Bert doesn't seem to be having much luck, so Ernie shows him a quick & easy fish-catching method. He yells out "Heeeeeeere fishy fishy fishy fishy fishy fishy!" & a fish jumps out of the water & into the boat. After about the third successful try, Ernie lets Bert give it a shot. He's a little embarassed at first, & so it doesn't work right away. Ernie tells him he has to do it louder. Frustrated, Bert yells "HEEEEEEEERE FISHY FISHY FISHY FISHY FISHY!" at the top of his lungs... and catches a small shark that jumps up & says, "You called?" in a Brooklyn accent. "This... is NEAR."
"Ladies & gentlemen...
the Teeny Little Super Guy." God bless the Internet; I found the theme song (335kb Mp3). He didn't really have any super powers. He was just an almost Jimmy Durante-esque role model for kids drawn on kitchenware who lived on some unsuspecting household's countertop. The best memory I have of TLSG is him helping a little boy ride an egg beater without the little training beaters for the first time. Ohhh yeahh. "You're not singing
the alphabet!" A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S
Kermit: Cookie Monster isn't a letter of the alphabet! It goes Q R S T U
Kermit: You're just teasing me... W X Y and Z Now I've sung my ABCs Next time
Kermit: Next time Cookie Monster can do it with you. I'm leaving. ... I love you. Kermit: I love you too <3 Oh, thanks! "You didn't tap me,
did you, statue?" Hands down, this is my absolute favorite memory of Bert & Ernie. And after writing this, a reader was awesome enough to send me some screen caps taken from some guy named "Muppet_dk." I guess his name means he enjoys Jim Henson programs & killing the poor.
They're exploring an ancient pyramid, & come across two statues of Egyptian kings that look remarkably like Bert & Ernie, themselves. Ernie stays nervously by the statues, while Bert goes to explore the tunnel. That's when something taps Ernie on the back of his head. "BERRRRT! OH BERRRRT!! THESTATUETAPPEDMEONTHEBACKOFTHEHEAD!" Nah, it must've just been Ernie's imagination running
away with him.
SURE I DID! Now Ernie, don't you think maybe... maybe... that
was your imagination, too?
Why don't you maybe sing a song, eh? That will
make you feel better, eh? You won't be that scared then. "Rubber Duckie... you're the one...
DOOOO, DO DOOT DO DOO! The statue starts singing & dancing along with Ernie. It's not exceptionally funny, but I love the living daylights out of it.
It ends with Ernie leaving & saying goodbye to the now still statue, followed by Bert half-jokingly saying bye-bye to the statue...
which replies "BYE BYE!" followed by Ernie's signature giggle. Bert runs out of the pyramid, screaming for Ernie to help. "I'm gonna miss you,
Mr. Looper." When Will Lee died in late 1982, Sesame Street made a bold move at the time to kill off his character of Mr. Hooper in his memory, to teach children about death. The show handled death by being as honest as they could, & it worked out wonderfully. To this day, it's one of the best ways I have yet to see the issue of death handled on children's television... Follow That Bird.
This was one of the first movies I went to see in an actual movie theater. It was an event. My entire extended family went in 1985, & since they're mostly Irish, we took up like 2 rows. All eyes were fixated at the screen, at Big Bird's journey to a foster home of birds, & how he just didn't feel at home with them, even though they were of the same kind. Then, when he runs away from home, the entire Sesame Street gang heads for the road to find him, half in Oscar's jalopy of a taxi, & half in the Count's Countmobile (license plate #12345678910). Super Grover takes to the skies, & Bert rides with Ernie in his biplane. Yeah, Ernie has a biplane. None of the above find Big Bird first. He's tricked into joining a roadside attraction run by Joe Flaherty & Dave Thomas. They spraypaint him blue & call him the Bluebird of Happiness, even though his performances aren't very happy. The gang traveling with the Count finally track Big Bird down & help him escape, explaining to him that home isn't about being with people who are like you, it's about being with people who like you. Then Cookie Monster eats the tape reel. "Put down the duckie." This was the show's first prime time special, aired on NBC in 1988. Sesame Street may have revolutionized children's television in the '70s, but all of its key moments, including most of the ones on this list, happened in my decade, the '80s. This special revolved around music & song, the central event being Ernie's struggle to learn the saxophone. His teacher, a jazzy owl named Hoots, tells him that he can't play & hold Rubber Duckie at the same time. Instead of playing, he gets duckie squeak. So every big celebrity name in 1988, from Phil Donahue & Barbara Walters, to Bo Jackson & Pee-wee Herman (the main reason why I even considered this special to be of major huge importance), joins Hoots in telling Ernie to PUT DOWN THE DUCKIE. "Food! Food!" "Food" was the code word for Mr. Snuffleupagus to listen to when Big Bird was bringing all his friends to finally meet his "imaginary friend." He'd finally had enough of Snuffy wandering off at the last minute whenever he tried to prove to everybody that he wasn't crazy. So they established this system of Big Bird yelling FOOD! Snuffy gets nervous & proceeds to go home to dress up more nicely, but Elmo does the best that he can to keep him from leaving. To see a two-foot monster kid tug on a giant mammoth-like creature's snuffle to try & keep it from leaving is adorable, but that's not why this moment is number one. For years, Snuffy was a questionable entity. We weren't sure whether Big Bird was imagining him or not. All we knew was that nobody would believe Big Bird, & that's the main reason why the writers finally decided that Snuffy needed to be revealed to the rest of the cast. They didn't want to send the message that adults won't believe you if you tell them something terrible, like your neighbor touched your private parts, or your father beat you up. So the grown-ups on Sesame Street made a big deal in apologizing to Big Bird for not believing him. It was a big deal for children to be able to believe in things that others couldn't see, & it's the main reason why I think it's perfectly ok to believe in things like God & unicorns. Because if Mr. Snuffleupagus is real, anything is possible. And that's why this is the greatest Sesame Street moment of all time.
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
This... is FAR.
This... is NEAR. 
This... is... faaaugh (THUD)
COOKIE MONSTER!!11
SORRY, I DON'T
HAVE ANYTHING ON TAPE! |
|
|||||||
