KISS Saves Santa
Do it, baby, do it.
We're gonna do what they call French kissing
written by Emily on March 29, 2025

What can I say? The greatest movie kisses of all time. Let's do this.

20."Hearts in Atlantis" (2001)

This is one of those movies that nobody paid attention to when it was released, and nobody remembers now. Just another in the string of paycheck movies Anthony Hopkins does between brilliant Shakespearean performances and ill-advised Hannibal Lector vehicles. But as one of two really hardcore fans of the film (the other being my being my beloved SO B) I just have to say, it's absolutely so much more. Honestly, its one of the most perfect depictions of childhood ever put on film, because it's so real. It's not kids solving mysteries or having adventures. It's one smart little boy, existing. Sometimes bad things happen, but then the good stuff comes too. Carol Gerber is some of the good stuff. I won't repeat what was said about Carol Gerber in the movie characters list, but know that she is so absolutely darling and perfect as the first love, that I'll worship Mika Boorem forever, no matter how many stupid girl movies she's done since.

19."Gone With the Wind" (1939)

C'mon now, what screams romance more loudly than sexual assault?! I'm a "Gone with the Wind" apologist. I love the shit out of every overwrought moment. I'm not one of those lame asses who bitches that a novel written by a rich white Southern woman ABOUT a rich white Southern woman should be more historically accurate. The book, and the film, is what it is. It takes the basic cognizant thought process of a fifth grader to say, "You know? Scarlett's slaves all seem to love her more than they love her freedom, BUUUUUUUT I'm guessing that wasn't the case most of the time." That being said, even I can point an accusing finger at this scene and know, though it does qualify as a great movie moment, that maybe the premise, as well as the execution is kind of, well, horribly wrong. 'Cause remember ladies, no means no unless he REALLY wants it.

18."Y Tu Mama Tambien" (2001)

Homos! Well no, not really. However, anyone who has been paying attention thus far knows I harbor a somewhat unnatural lust for boys who fancy other boys. Furthermore I'm a little tired of the double standard that men can enjoy lesbians on a purely sexual and fantasized level, but for a woman to feel the same about men is somehow strange. Regardless of that little tangent, the aesthetic pleasure derived from boys kissing is NOT why this moment made the list. Not hardly. For those not in the know, "Y Tu Mama Tambien" is the Mexican equivalent of "American Pie." It's a sex comedy, emphasis on comedy. It's raunchy, and crude, and features some of the most horrifically uninspired sex ever put to film. The two main characters, seen here, are immature, arrogant BOYS, who have not yet learned that for sex to truly be good, you have to pay attention to the woman's wants as well. Life is just the orgasm to them. So when (in the midst of a threesome with a foxy older lady) the two young lads begin to kiss each other, it's the first real moment of intimacy in the entire film. They aren't suddenly gay, but with one kiss the filmmaker manages to show us character development than the 900 roadside montages of poor people he shoves down our throat.

17."In & Out" (1997)

Okay, so maybe I put two gay kisses on the list. But really, does anyone watch this and think, ‘man, that’s hot’? No, they’re all thinking, ‘man, Magnum P.I. looks WEIRD without the mustache.’

16."Amelie" (2001)

"Amelie" is a French film about a French guy making a movie that causes every human being with a vagina in a 200 country radius to explode like a cheery wet piñata so that the men of the world, represented here by Mexican-American children with some pretty fucked-up inside-your-body Mike & Ikes, have to sit back and let them watch. In a movie full of moments I love, this is the one I love the most.

Does France think Audrey Tautou is the most wonderful woman born but also that she doesn't deserve love? Even fictional love? Every movie I've ever seen her in she's had some kind of mental or social deformity keeping her from getting the soulmate that no girl as cute and sincere as she should be without. In "Amelie" the protagonist's penchant for extravagantly dicking around almost keeps her from Kelly Clarkson's elusive "one special kiss." In "A Very Long Engagement" the good and bads of Audrey's life are determined by whether or not she as a gimpy Frenchsperson from long ago can outrun antiquated automobiles. And in "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" she is a crazy goon. Maybe Amelie wasn't just a present to the female world. Maybe it was a present to Audrey, too.

To reiterate, watching this movie is like sticking my girlhole in a barrel of grain.

15."Pee-wee's Big Adventure" (1985)

About a month ago B and I were lying in bed watching TV, when we happened to run across the A&E movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger. I must say, it was one of the most awful things I’ve ever seen put to film. Like, the man playing present day Arnold was OLD, and short, lacking in muscles, and not even attempting to do an Arnold impression. It wasn’t even close, I was amazed. Who can’t do at least a passable Arnold? Remember back when they were doing jury selection for the O.J. trial, and they had to drag out the 12 most retarded backwoods closet-dwellers to find people who didn’t know anything about the case? I swear to God that’s how they cast this guy. Anyway, so we’re listening to him, trying to figure out what sort of accent he’s going for (kind of like Apu, but then not) when it hit me: "Pee Wee’s Big Adventure!" At the end, when Pee Wee is watching the movie about himself and it gets to Pee Wee’s cameo, but they’ve dubbed him over with some strange voice that sounds like. . . well, sounds like Jon’s post this week, actually. THAT’s what the man playing Schwarzenegger sounded like. Like the Texas speech generator thingy.

. . . Oh yeah. James Brolin=COMEDY GOLD.

14."Desperado" (1995)

In this movie, Desperado comes to his senses and comes down from his fences long enough to make out graphically and con carne with Salma Hayek, a meeting of the Mexican Faces so hot and strong that shit starts blowing up in the background. The fantastic kiss itself lead to a series of "Gotta Fast Forward This While Watching it With Dad OMG Embarrassing" sex scenes where Antonio appears to basically just hug Hayek in a naked way in a room with like, 400,000 candles. I don't know if they were supposed to be fucking or just naked holding, but if they were fucking I hope that bed was lined with concrete. Have you ever had sex in a bed that remained completely immobile the entire time? If you have you're either rich enough to have a bed made out of dark matter, you are bad in bed, or I am poor enough to have a bed made out of Upsidasium. One wrong rock of that bed and those candles are coming down. And I mean in that "monk making a point" kind of way, not the "Madonna wants to experiment" kind of way.

I loved all of the movies in Robert Rodriguez's "El Mariachi Trilogy," but I enjoyed "Desperado" the most. Largely because the first movie had such a low budget and because the third movie made me wonder whether or not Johnny Depp used his decoy arm to masturbate in public without getting caught.

13."Spider-Man" (2002)

I didn't like the first Spider-Man movie. I thought it was sixteen feet over the top and far too ripe with robotic Willem Dafoe cackling. About twenty minutes into the movie I wanted to take a shower in the water from the stab wounds I wanted to give him in his side.
I'm not going to deny the importance and relevance of this kiss, though. I can't. It's the "Gone with the Wind" kiss of my generation, and probably whatever other generation exists now that can understand the chronology of "The O.C." Mary Jane kissing the Friendly Neighborhood Wonder Boy in a rhombus 69 will be featured, remembered, and parodied in everything from smarmy weekly recap television shows to stark period holocaust drama for the rest of my life.

Fun fact, Tobey Maguire had to hang upside down for this shot or he would have been STABBED TO DEATH IN THE HEART BY KIRSTEN DUNST'S NIPPLES. Make her a web bra, guy. Right now she's a little closer to saggy/beautiful.

12."Army of Darkness" (1993)

The other day I was watching TV when I commercial came on for the new Bruce Campbell Sci-Fi original, "Alien Apocolypse." As I was watching it, as I watched a man in his late 40’s hoist a huge gun and yell, "hey scumbag" at a CGI alien, I finally started to realize why people love that man so much. Because he has, at certain times in his life, proven to us that he CAN act. He just seems to have so much more fun with the projects that require him to Ash Williams his way through it. You kind of wonder for a second if, once upon a time, he harbored notions of being some great Olivier-esque acting powerhouse, only to be pigeonholed into "Hail to the King," antics by Sam Raimi. You wonder that, for about a minute, and then you watch him in this scene, saying "Gimme some sugar, baby!" and you know that Bruce Campbell is doing exactly what he wants to do.

11."Interview With the Vampire" (1994)

Q: Do you remember when I enjoyed Kirsten Dunst? Like, for real?
A: Yes, it was when she was 12 years old. Back then she could act rings around Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and everyone else in this movie. She was a freaking revelation and we all know she'd be a big star when she grew up.

Q: Do you remember what happened?
A: Yes. She grew up under the harsh lights of Hollywood, where she could not walk out onto the street without being forced to bring it. Now she brings it too hard and we mostly only see her guffaw when somebody in the Paul Bettany vein cracks a joke in a movie.

Q: What was she slash what in THIS movie?
A: jailbait/dollhair

Q: And is it bothersome at all that she makes out with Brad Pitt here? You know, again, when she's TWELVE?
A: The honest truth is that her character was a vampire, so she was really old. She just looked like a little kid. So the romantic feelings felt between her character and Pitt's were honest and realistic, and the kiss was an expression of love moreso than a Colin Farrell fingers 14 year old Pocahontas in "The New World" creepshow.

Q: Do you love the shitballs out of this movie?
A: Yes.

Q: Is that a big surprise?
A: No.

Q: Will you make me a vampire?
A: DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WILL BE COME

10."Species" (1995)

SPEE-SHEES?

9."A Mighty Wind" (2003)

Absolutely HAD to be put on the list. I mean, how many movies make one kiss the central plot point? Especially since the movie is a fake documentary about folk singers well past their prime. Regardless, Eugene Levy’s character, bumbling and incoherent as he is, is so perfect and idiotic and wonderful that you’re completely on the edge of your seat when it comes to that final performance of "A Kiss at the End of the Rainbow." Even me, a girl who has raged for years against the movie trend of women who cheat on nice husbands, totally wanted Catherine O’Hara to go for it.

8."Lost in Translation" (2003)

Now I know what he was whispering into her ear there at the end.

"This is the last good movie you're ever going to be in."

7."American Beauty" (1999)

What makes me a bigger weirdo, that I enjoy this scene (which, if you’re keeping track, is technically the second "grown man kisses young girl" scene on the list) so much, or that I had a giant crush on Kevin Spacey when I was like 16? It wasn’t this movie that did it either. No no, I had a crush on Spacey even back when he had orange hair in "Outbreak." Even in the shitty "wife swapping leads to murder" Kevin Kline vehicle "Consenting Adults." I just loved the man, every jowlsey 40 year-old inch of him. So when I read about this movie, which I figured was my best bet in this lifetime to see a Kevin Spacey sex scene, I was naturally very excited. The movie is amazing of course, for a million reasons aside from my one stupid one. But in the end, my retarded inner teenager gets the best of me, and I included this kiss just because it gave me a huge happy at the time, a full two minutes before the sight of Mena Suvari’s silver dollar nipples turned me completely asexual for the next three years.

6. "It's A Wonderful Life" (1946)

Hey look, I put this movie on a list that isn’t Christmas themed! Honestly, I was like everyone else for the longest time. All I knew about this film was that it was a big pile of sap they played every year around the holidays, and I’d dismissed it as such. Then, when I was finally forced to sit down and watch it, I realized that it’s barely a Christmas movie, the last act just happens at Christmas. And all the great moments, like the one showcased here, are always forgotten in favor of the last 15 minutes. But this scene man, this is it. Donna Reed has sort of a creepy crush on Jimmy Stewart, so she’s talking to another man on the phone to make him jealous. It works, and he’s on his way out the door when she pulls him back so he can speak to the man on the phone as well. They both stand there, ear to ear, cheek to cheek, and it’s tense and intimate and wonderful and by the end of it you’ve turned into that sassy girl at the end of "Adventures in Babysitting," yelling "KISS HIM" at the screen like a moron. Also, Donna Reed is a super fox. Live it, learn it, love it.

5."The Goonies" (1985)

Man, we’ll find a way to put this movie on any list we do, won’t we? Best movie scenes? "The Goonies." Best movie characters? "The Goonies." Best Buffy moments? "The Goonies." Most important scientific discoveries of our time? "The Goonies." Things to do in Denver when you’re dead? "The Goonies." Ah, hell with it, it’s a seminal film to people my age, and if you haven’t gotten tired of me waxing philosophic about movies I ALWAYS wax philosophic about yet, you’re not going to now. Besides, how can you not love this? Sean Astin, as the most adorable Hero Boy character possibly ever put to film, getting a little lovin’ from a foxy older gal. It may not be "it’s our time down here" or "ANDY YOU GOONIE," but it’s still awesome enough to make it onto any list of the best family-sized sedans for the year 2005.

4."Breakfast at Tiffany's" (1961)

I think on a list of twenty I'm allowed at least one overly melodramatic, golden age of Hollywood pick. The rain, the music, the "god what a frail woman I am" melt that Audrey Hepburn does into George Peppard's arms, the only thing that could make this moment MORE melodramatic would be to have Holly Golightly drop dead of a fatal illness two seconds later. This is one of those films that a person my age gives crap because it's "so cliche." This type of person is completely wrong and should be shot in the face with angry chickens for not realizing that movies like this one CREATED the cliche. Just like "Roman Holiday" was smart enough to realize that the princess and the journalist shouldn't ever be together, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" is smart because it knows the two prostitutes absolutely should wind up together. Because sometimes in movies we, as the viewing audience, just need the emotionally distant heroine to make the right choice, and have her sappy moment in the rain. We need it, because moments like this are why even today we'll watch pointless rom-coms in an effort to have that fleeting feeling of love that the characters share. Honk if you demand satisfaction.

3."The Empire Strikes Back" (1980)

I know.

I know.

Like I wasn’t going to put this on the list. It’s fucking Star Wars. If we’re being honest this deserves to be here, Indiana Jones in a chair having his face bitten by the Nazi Turncoat deserves to be here, President Air Force One kissing Gary Oldman off of his plane deserves to be here, and Harrison Ford with a retarded mouth full of Ritz crackers deserves to be here.

You rule, Harrison. Now step away from the Ally McBeal and nobody will get hurt.

2. "The Princess Bride" (1987)

This is an obvious choice. This is the equivalent of Nick putting Helen of Troy on his hot girl list. 'Cause see, the kiss itself isn't that great. Yes, a childhood crush on Cary Elwes has forced me to watch many of the man's lesser works, up to but thankfully not including his "whoops, I'm bloated" turn in "Saw." And yes, if ever I get married I'm going to insist on getting long blonde hair extensions and a little tiara so I can walk down the aisle looking like the fudge round version of Princess Buttercup. But, in reality, the actual kiss is nothing special. What makes it a shoe-in for this list is the build-up that Peter Falk gives."Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind." WIN.

1. "Lady and the Tramp" (1955)

YEAH OKAY, SO I’M A BIG STUPID GIRL, WANNA GET INTO A FIGHT ABOUT IT? Seriously though, when I sat down to make this list, this was just one of the obvious choices. I mean, if "Spider-Man" gave us the iconic image of our twenties, "Lady and the Tramp" was the kiss to end all kisses in our aughts. I mean, you know you’ve made it when you’ve been parodied by the "Hot Shots" franchise, right? Right. WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE, THAT’S AMORE.


You’re damn right it is, adorable animated dogs. Now eat that spaghetti, EAT IT!