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Rating
the Letter People, Volume 1 Volume 1 :: Volume 2 |
So we all know the Rating the Lesbians series is popular. For every pixel of exposed Soleil Moon Frye nipple, Progressive Boink receives approximately 28 billion hits. Which got me thinking: Why stop there? The voice of the Internet reader has been made crystal clear: We desire more random scores affixed to various things. I envision a wide-reaching series of Rating The.. articles: Rating The Breeds Of The Non-Sporting Group, Rating The Bits Of Lint, Rating The Collected Works Of Thomas Hayden Church, Rating The Cow Patties Shaped Like Disgraced Ex-Presidents. But to start the series on the right foot (note to self: add Rating The Feet), we really need a clencher that's going to get the crowd excited. And what appeals to the average person as much as beautiful women kissing each other? Learning. The Letter People were created in 1974 as a new, all-purpose teaching tool to introduce kids to the alphabet. There was a TV show, workbooks, activities, and perhaps the most well-remembered aspect, a unique song for each letter. Each letter person had its own personality and story that helped explain that letter's place and usage in the language. It was popular with kids and teachers alike, and for a while, it was good. But the forces of political correctness
had been gathering So with apologies to B and Emily, let's meet... Ms. A - A'choo!
A is also for: Adenoids, allergies, aaaaahhh Allegra Comment: Alternately the design for Mr. S - Stinkfinger, Ms. A was plagued by constant sneezing. Perhaps she has 'ay fever! Ah ha, ah ha, ah ha ha eeeeehhh. Anyway. Lest we feel bad for her, she assures us all is well: I s'pose you've noticed that when
I sneeze Other than her third line suggestion that she's farting out her nose, she seems pretty happy with her current arrangement. Or is she? Letters are a proud people, and Miss A is no exception. She's been stricken with a debilitating, or at least very messy illness, but she doesn't want the world to see her cry. Underneath that happy demeanor and the giant lima beans sucking the life force from her head is a woman in pain. Why else would she be so quick to claim she's happy blowing the bloodied remains of her nasal cavity out onto a snot-soaked rag twenty or thirty times a day? She's determined to live life her way in spite of feeling like she's inhaled a pepper shaker. Or she's just a freak who gets off on sneezing, I dunno. What Not To Wear style gurus say: Don't wear a tent. We can't see any of your shape. Absolutely Arbitrary Arithmetical Assignment: 6.2 Mr. B - Beautiful Buttons
B is also for: Buttafuoco, Buttafuoco, Buttafuoco Comment: Famous for getting Miss I to write on her breasts that he equaled best, few knew Mr. B had a much darker side. The tight blue hair, the turtleneck, the slippers, the obsession with buttons; it's clear Mr. B was made for one thing and one thing only, and that's luring women to his motel to murder in the shower while dressed like his mother. Activities during this lesson included a maze worksheet, where kids trace their way through Mr. B's twisted psyche, starting at his bumpy boyhood and travelling through bloody bathrooms to finish at the brimming bank of butchered bimbos in his basement. Then the teacher and students discuss how Oregon Trail was a pretty funny old game. Norman Bates from Psycho III says: She can't help it. She can't help the things she does. She's just an old lady. A sick old lady. Budding Boarder's Building Body Count: 12 blondes Mr. C - Cotton Candy
C is also for: Cookie, which is good enough for me Comment: Most people are well aware of the various McDonald's mascots over the years, but few remember Grimace's little brother Cotton Candy. Cotton was never quite as gifted at being fat and purple as his older sibling, so work was hard to come by. Eventually Grimace, wanting to give his brother a break and lighten his own workload as the heroin addiction became more and more of a dominating force in his life, convinced Ronald to take on Cotton as a second-stringer in what was known in those days as the Not Ready For A Restaurant That Serves Edible Food Players. He made it into a handful of commercials before the introduction of Mac Tonight, which pushed pretty much all of the cast out of the limelight. When Mac was forced to retire after being tragically stabbed in the eye by a rocket ship in 1987 (under mysterious circumstances), the regulars returned to their roles. But what little momentum Cotton had built for his career had dissipated, and he was relegated to clean-up duty in Birdie's cage until his contract expired. And he doesn't look as much like cotton candy as he does a giant pink Marshmallow Peep. New For The '90s Remake: Mr. C - Colossal Cap. more like colossal crap am i correct in this supposition One of the overriding themes during the remake was that kids should not be exposed to food. Obesity is a major problem in America today, and the number one factor influencing children's dietary choices is letters made of candy. Instead of thinking up a new occupation for him, Mr. C was just stuffed in a hat down to his feet like he had just been hoodwinked by Bugs Bunny. Abrams & Co. has better things to do. Debbie from Killer Klowns from Outer Space says: Instead of finding the shooting star we saw this.. this circus tent. And that's when we went inside, and that is when we saw those people in those.. those pink, cotton candy cocoons. Dave, it was not a circus tent. It was something else. Coffers After Crashed Commercial Career: 39 cents Mr. D - Delicious Doughnuts
D is also for: Diabetes Comment: I've always had a problem with characters made of food, especially when those characters act as spokespersons for a company selling food of their type. I believe my natural instincts will take care of my nutritional intake, I don't need my bagel to sprout eyes and legs and begin regaling me with all the wonderful reasons I should crush his spongy body between my teeth. I'll take the chicken nuggets that aren't jumping into baths of barbeque sauce and singing the praises of their highly refined cooking process, thank you; I find that food with a will to live has that extra special flavor. One has to wonder about the ones we see on the commercials; Have they cut a deal? Are they the slave traders of their kind, shipping off loads of their brethren in exchange for not being eaten themselves? Are they tormented at night by the sounds of screams and the sizzling of a deep-frier? Does no soul reside in their gooey cream filling? It's hard to know how much icing is on Mr. D's hands. He takes perverse pride in what he does, as is evidenced by his song: Do you like doughnuts, delicious
doughnuts? If you like doughnuts, delicious
doughnuts Boy, I could really go for some doughnuts right now. New For The '90s Remake: Mr. D - Dazzling Dance. Again, kids must be protected from thoughts of eating. And the only thing that can do that is THE POWER OF DANCE!
Let a half-melted Gumby dressed like the Fonz in a sombrero tango those tasty treats out of your mind. Not only was this a change to focus on activity instead of eating, it also brought a multicultural angle into the series. Not that it made any sense, as all the characters were supposed to hail from the Land of the Letter People. There's only one culture there, and that's a hedonistic hippie commune where everybody orgy-porgies whenever somebody wants to spell rhinotillexomania. Stand-up comedian Bucky Chazwick says: I hope he does not become a policeman because then his fellow policemen will eat him because he is made of donuts! Dead or Dying Denizens of Doughnut Dale Due to the Damnable Duty of Dr. D (D for DEATH): 432,687 Ms. E -
E is also for: Emergency room Comment: She better ask Mr. C for the name of a good chiropractor, because this configuration is a mystery to me. She's either bent over from left to right and has an arm sticking out of her ass, or she's facing front and bending forward, with her head on her left shoulder. Either way, she's not lifting with her legs, though I suppose that's hard for her to do since she doesn't have any. What a mess. Let's see if her song sheds any light on her situation: I can't stand the rain Sorry, wrong one. I feel extremely weak, poor little
me, Miss E I contacted fitness guru Suzanne Somers to ask her whether wiggling your nose was really condusive to good health and a strong upper body. Unfortunately, when she answered the phone my mind blanked and all I could think to ask her was whether she thought it was ironic that the tomboy from Step by Step is now hot and the chick who was supposed to be studious and intelligent ended up starring in Ski Hard. Suzanne said "what" and I hung up real fast. The Mister E of Miss E (get it) will have to go unsolved. Greek philosopher Epictetus says: It is a sign of a dull nature to occupy oneself deeply in matters that concern the body; for instance, to be over much occupied about exercise, about eating and drinking, about easing oneself, about sexual intercourse. Emotional Empathy Earned by Erroneous Exercise, Expressed Via An Episode of Early Edition: Episode 42 - Show Me The Monet Mr. F - Funny Feet
F is also for: Foot Fungus Comment: A turtle in a gardener's hat wearing his lucky Wheel of Fortune socks. In other words, grandpa. His feet really aren't that amusing, they just look like Marilyn Manson had his shoes ripped off and was pelted with paintballs. Actually, that would be pretty entertaining, but I don't think that's what they were going for here. On the balloon, the wacky pattern continues all the way up his body, making his feet even less unique. Better ideas for F would have been: 1. Foghat Fan - Bores children into
learning with long rants about how Foghat is infinitely better than
"new-fangled felch fodder" like the Foo Fighters or the
Fugees or Fishbone. Arguments that those bands have been around
10 to 20 years and thus aren't new at all fall on deaf ears as he
launches into another tirade on how disco killed rock. Mr. F - Foghat
Fan is the only letter person without his own original song, choosing
instead to just use Slow Ride. Shredder says: You are here because the outside world rejects you. THIS is your family. I am your father. I want you all to become full members of the Foot. Fabric Needed for Fitting Fat Funny Feet: 4 Fully Fleeced Flocks Mr. G - Gooey Gum
G is also for: It looks Good on you Comment: I don't know what the toilet paper tubes he has for feet have to do with gum, but Mr. G was all about sticking to things. This was the letter person idolized by that one completely disgusting kid you had in your class. The Pig Pen cosplayer with shit sticking in his hair -- sometimes literally -- and snot permanently dripping from his nose, wearing stained clothes that had become so infused with grime that they didn't actually flow like cloth anymore. In my class it was a kid named Mitch, which was easy to remember because he had it scrawled all over his brown velcro shoes that the legends say were at one time actually white. The Mitches of the world could feel like they weren't alone any more thanks to Mr. G, except G could get away with it because his fucking head was made of gum. The only excuse Mitch had was that he lived in a trailer. Mr. G could further be looked up to by the downtrodden in that he seems to be deformed. In the drawing, his left arm has succumbed to boneitis, and on the balloon he seems to be gnawing on the malformed hand at the end of his withered appendage. But he looks like he's enjoying it, which is the important thing. Why did the guy with these balloons decide straddling the rail on his porch was the best place for photos? Oddly enough, despite the actions of Abrams' food gestapo, Mr. G is still Gooey Gum to this day. Perhaps they decided he would serve as a useful cautionary tale on the dangers of things that taste good. His part of the lesson probably now includes sending the class out to the middle of Times Square to illustrate with mannequins how 28 million shoes per year are destroyed due to second-hand gum on the sidewalks. WELCOME TO CRAZY WORLD. Tigger the Tiger says: That icky, sticky stuff is only fit for hefalumps and woozels. Other Gum Gifts Going Gooey in Your Gaping Gob: 23 Gumballs, 14 Gum Drops, 2 Gumbels Mr. H - Horrible Hair
H is also for: Hot in herre Comment: I'm Mr. H, hello hello! Either he's an idiot or H also stands for some sort of alternate spelling of sarcastic asshole. Looking like a prune being eaten by a sea anemone or a blue ribbon awarded to the inside of an easter basket depending on which picture you're looking at, Mr. H grew up in hard times and has not gotten through it well. He's sorta the goth of the Letter People, locking himself in his room and writing shitty poetry that acts as his big middle finger to the world. Oh horrible hair He'd write about the bodies hitting the floor if that weren't Mr. F's department. Instead he's stuck with the bodies hitting the hay, which doesn't really have the same impact. Literally! Hyuck! It doesn't help that his fellow letters aren't very supportive. I have some scans from an old Letter People book, and in this one Ms. I seems to have slapped a half-cooked pancake on Mr. H's head which has attracted a swarm of bees.
Okay, actually I have no idea what the hell is going on in this picture. New For The '90s Remake: Mr. H - Happy Hair. I'll be the first to applaud making the prick shut up about his fright wig, but I can't help but wonder whether the ends justify the means. I keep imagining some Clockwork Orange device where Mr. H was forced to watch hours of looping footage of Christina Aguilera and Lyle Lovett and Tim Burton all prancing around and being perfectly at peace with the fact that combs are a mystery they will never surmount. I'm concerned for the welfare of an imaginary personification of a linguistic implement. I ask you: Who's the real freak here? Makes you think. No it doesn't the answer is Mr. H. KITT from Knight Rider says: It appears to be a large... My goodness, large isn't the word, it's enormous! Hypertension Headaches Hatched After Happening Upon Hundreds of Hideous, Horrid Hairballs Heretofore Hidden Beneath the Hardwood Hutch: 9 Ms. I - Itchy Itches / Incredible Inventor
I is also for: Impish incontinence Comment: I've seen both descriptions used for Miss I, and I don't know which is right. The picture is certainly no help; she could be having a eureka moment in regards to her latest invention, but she could just as easily be cursing her Lord above for damning her to a lifetime of bloody sores and scabs brought on by incessant scratching. Finding her song will solve this once and for all: Rockapella, what's the word on the street? I am Miss I, I am Miss I Much like Ms. A, she's all too quick to assure us that she enjoys having her life overtaken by a minor annoyance that has grown into some bizarre disease. The suggestion is that feeling bad when something bugs you is wrong and impure, because the saintly letter people take their grievances with a smile. At this rate Mr. C's song might as well have been I've got cancer, coo-coo, crazy
cancer! New For The '90s Remake: Mr. I - Impossible Inches. Perhaps her itch was just a metaphor for the nagging feeling that she was a man trapped in a woman's body. After twenty years of living a lie, Ms. I finally collected enough money to have her mommy bits ripped from her body and begin her life anew with a dildo glued between her legs. She's going to need it, because with a name like that there's only one industry she'll be working in.
That's right, craft services. Inspector Todd in Beverly Hills Cop II says: Don't think, Axel! It makes my dick itch! Immigrant Indians Assembling Ms. I Inflatables in Inhospitable Industrial Installations: 63,904 Mr. J - Jumbled Junk
J is also for: Jumping Jackalopes Comment: Mr. J was a bum. Let's not dance around that fact. Blessed only with the mystical ability to turn into a Christmas tree when posing for photos, Mr. J had little to offer other than to take other people's trash off their hands. He ran the town junkyard, and apparently assembled himself out of whatever people dumped there. This includes a live goldfish in his belly, which I'm hesitant to believe someone actually threw away. He also seems to have a big target in his stomach, which is just an open invitation to disaster if he ever runs into the guy he stole the goldfish from. And heaven help him if he ever meets up with a goat. New For The '90s Remake: Ms. J - Jingle Jangle Jacket. So he was turned into one of those irritating fat women at church who get dressed up for the holidays with clothes covered in miniature sleigh bells that are oh so cute praise jesus and i hope you're going to stay for the post-sermon lunch there will be potato salad and macaroni and cheese on paper plates that disintegrate in a mild breeze praise jesus and do you remember when the pastor was talking about how hell was bad and i really felt a burden on my heart and i had to start praying right there but then i realized it was just a drumstick moving through my artery praise jesus and oh have you met my daughter gigantor she's very good at spelling praise jesus. Ezra Pound says: The act of bellringing is symbolic of all proselytizing religions. It implies the pointless interference with the quiet of other people. Discarded Albums in J's Junkyard: Jokers and Jews Join to Sing Jagger, Featuring Jumping Jack Flash by Jake Johansen and Judge Judy; Joan Jett and Jesus Jones' Jambalaya Jamboree Live Mr. K - Kicking
K is also for: Kicking, Kick, Kicked, Kicks Comment: Either he's got three legs, or he has one hell of an adults-only sideshow act there. Mr. K had kicking and.. that was about it. The others could sing about all sorts of things with their letter, but once he chose kicking there weren't many places he could go with it unless he sang a heartfelt ode to John Kasay. Come on and kick with Mr. K Thank God we've still got women and children open. Oh kicking gives me such a kick Damn it. Well fuck you Mr. K, I shoved my foot up Jessica Simpson's ass between verses and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Hey guys, remember when I was sold as the more mature, sophisticated Britney Spears? Well that didn't work so now I'm the astonishingly dumb Britney Spears. The Letter People weren't just an introduction to the alphabet. Kids also learned what each letter sounded like and when they were used, all taught within the Letter People universe. This could lead to some sticky situations when it came to letters that sounded alike, so they had to try their best to explain it. From an episode synopsis: "When we last left the Letter People, Mr. C was planning on leaving, claiming that he was no longer needed with Mr. K around. Mr. K returns from Kabob and Mr. C nearly explodes at him. Mr. T convinces the guys to go to Miss I's nightclub so Mr. H can help them solve the problem. Mr. H lets the vowels decide who stands in front of which vowel....however Mr. C is a bit sneaky and leaves his mark in front of Miss A. Mr. K notices this and puts a lowercase K in front of Miss E and Miss I, and then Mr. C claims the remaining vowels. However, another problem arises...Mr. K is afraid of kicking people whenever he makes a squoosh, so the Letter Girls decide he should be the second part of the squoosh, while Mr. C would only be the first part of a squoosh. Despite this resolution, Mr. C still wants to stand in front of all the vowels...so Mr. S intervenes and lets Mr. C borrow his sound whenever he stands in front of Miss E and Miss I. After this decision, all is well again in Letter People Land." what Talkin' Action™ Frank Gifford
says: Karate Kids Kicked In the Kiester by K's Kinetic Kung Fu: 84 konked, 21 knocked 1000 kilometers to Korea, 7 killed by klutzy kicks to the kidney Mr. L - Lemon Lollypops
L is also for: The L Word, which apparently stands for "Queer As Folk With Chicks" Comment: Bleh. Why can't they ever represent good candy, like Mr. B - Blowpop or Mr. C - Caramello. Mr. L was yet another foodstuff addicted to the taste of his own genetic material. I'm starting to get tired of these characters who don't even have enough to them to be one-dimensional, but it seems I'm not alone: Love them all, large or little, I think the songwriter checked out a couple letters ago. I wonder if I can pull it off too. Lemons taste awful. Awful tasting are lemons. They taste bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. I don't like them. Because they're lemons. And lemons taste awful. Awful is bad. Raw is war. It's not working. :( New For The '90s Remake: Ms. L - Longest Laugh. Even his remake sucked. You've got leaping leprechauns and lecherous Legomen to choose from but they go for a chick with the giggles. Peter Griffin says: The first one didn't taste like lemon at all. ....Oh, you guys are asses. Number of Languid, Lethargic, Lackadaisical Letter Lyricists Leaving Their Labors Lacking: 1 Mr. M - Munching Mouth
M is also for: Manwich Comment: Mr. M is basically the only reason I still remembered the Letter People. I had forgotten all the rest, but to this day I remembered him and his Goddamn maniacal mastication. It should be noted that not long after my time in kindergarten, I developed a nervous habit of chewing my finger nails down to bloody stubs (and after the nails were gone, I'd start chewing off bits of skin) that has since mutated into a full oral fixation, which I must sate with toothpicks, Gobstoppers, or my own hair. What I'm trying to say is I'm going to die of a trichobezoar because of The Letter People. Stand-up comedian Buddy Chazwick (Bucky's brother) says: Put him in panties and a garter belt and the M would stand for Marv Albert! Right? Remember?
Y'know, 'cause of the biting?
Remember that?
....Bada-bing! Must Have Medication After a Munching Mouth Meal of Mayonnaise and Mustard on Marble Rye with a side of Macaroni and Mug of Milk: 14 Maalox and 29 Mylanta Stay tuned for part 2, coming soon! Unless this article bombs, then watch as it magically disappears from existence! |
It's up... No good! LACES OUT DAN 
Volume 1 :: Volume 2
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