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An
Evening at Rating the Letter People, Volume 1 :: Volume 2 |
Hello and welcome back to E!'s Top 692,259.6 Reasons The Letter People Ruled! We're going to be counting down N through Z today, with hilarious guest commentary from Julie Brown, Kathy Griffin, Judy Tenuta, Carrot Top, and other gimmicky one-note comedians who have agreed to show up each time we do one of these things, say Wacko Jacko and talk about how Ricky Martin is gay, then leave with a big brick of coke. But before we start, let's review what we've covered so far:
And now, the thrilling conclusion. Mr. N - Noisy Nose
N is also for: Nana Comment: The blunderbuss was developed in the 17th century and remained in use up until the 19th century. A favorite of transvestite letters dressed like old women in sunhats, its funnel-shaped muzzle allowed a wide firing range using any small, hard objects that were available, from pebbles to bird seed to a sexually stimulated Billy Barty. Not as random or clumsy as a blaster, it was an elegant weapon for a more civilized age. As its popularity grew, owners began to experiment with ways to refine the firing process, such as surgically grafting the gun to their faces. Tragedy struck during the Hay Fever Epidemic of 1832, however, which resulted in 493 casualties and over a thousand more injured, some with boogers lodged so close to vital organs that surgery to pick them out was impossible. We'll return to more of Ken Burns' Evolution of the Snotgun in a moment, but first, let us take a moment to tell you about our work here in public broadcasting. This is the only place to find fascinating programming like what you're watching now, along with such favorites as Ken Burns' The Civil War, Ken Burns' Baseball, Ken Burns' Jazz, Ken Burns' Drew Curtis' Fark.com, Ken Burns' Ken Burns, and a wide variety of British sitcoms from 25 years ago, completely uninterrupted except for those times that we interrupt them. These are programs other networks are afraid to show, because they're too concerned with being successful. But we need your help to continue our fight against obsolescence. Did you know that PBS is supported entirely by viewers just like you? It's true, especially if you operate a number of insurance companies under the name of The Chubb Group. Did you also know Bob Ross is used as a general anaesthetic in some hospitals? Did you know that every human being on the earth has at least one memory of staying up late one night and seeing that guy who looks like Scotty telling you about constellations and admonishing you to keep looking up? Did you know PBS died for your sins, crucified by the FCC at the behest of a screaming mob of networks? I think the least you could do is send us some money in return. Plus, without your pledges, Ken Burns will never be able to afford a decent haircut. Is that really something you can live with? Okay, so actually Mr. N has a horn of some kind for a nose. I was close. I bet if Mr. N and Miss A had a baby, it would play Flight of the Bumblebee 24 hours a day. Speaking of which, it occurs to me that I've now started both volumes of this list with gross depictions of nose goblins. Undoubtedly this is a commentary on something or other, but I'm too preoccupied with mucus to think about what. Dougie says: Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it! Neighbors Annoyed by Nonsensical Nasal Noises After Nine at Night: 5
Ms. O - Obstinate
O is also for: Oh Comment: Obstinate? Fucking obstinate? Ms. A has to settle for a sound effect, but Ms. O gets a word half the college grads in the world don't know. Obstinate's that thing where you don't put out 'cause it'll make Jesus cry, isn't it? It's a shame the words needed to start with the letter in question, otherwise she'd be Ms. O - Good Personality. She's the ugly six foot four sister with disproportionate facial features and no sense of style who clomps around the house like a gorilla while her siblings are out on dates on Saturday night, bemoaning in a vocal range unsuited for her gender and perhaps her species how she's never gonna find a man. She's unaware that her romantic difficulties may stem in part from the fact that she looks like the Joker decided to go drag and got hit by a truck while mounting an impressive rendition of Oklahoma, then became convinced vomit green was the in color for the year. Or if you're looking at the balloon, the bastard child of a Smurf and an Oompa Loompa witnessing what Nerds are really made of. Further complicating matters is that she seems to have suffered a vampire attack at some point in her life, yet even the dark taint of Nosferatu was not powerful enough to hide her monstrous lips from reflective surfaces. I guess I'd be obstinate too. New For The '90s Remake: Mr. O - Opposite.
*glasses breaking* Julie Brown says: Woah, looks like she's been taking lessons from Monica Lewinksy are you with me on this one folks? Output of Obvious Open O-Face Jokes Omitted: 396
Mr. P - Pointy Patches
P is also for: Patchy Points Comment: I'm having a hard time finding a way to make fun of him, I really am. I mean, look at that face. P stands for Please Be My Pal. He's held up remarkably well for a letter who must hold dominion over a wide variety of immature slang words. You'd think after the millionth time the call came out over the intercom (I'm somehow now imagining the Letter People all working as associates in some giant Letter Wal-Mart) that he has to go to the front because somebody wants to call a bar looking for Mr. Freely, he'd get a little perturbed. Or put out. Or peeved or provoked or pissed. Predisposed to pitiable personality or poor predilectionfor the love of god stop me. And that's ignoring the obvious problem: He's made of patches. Gabby Jay has lost 99 of his last 100 fights and he isn't that torn up. And Gabby does that annoying little "yay" at the beginning of every round, which should be all the more reason for him to have large chunks ripped from his body. I can't think of anything that dangerous Mr. P could do to warrant all this repair work. The guide says this of his episode: "Mr. P is riding the range when his prize pizza gets stolen by the Purple Peekaboo Palookas." This invites a number of questions. For one, Mr. P doesn't quite strike me as the cowboy type. He's more the type to lose his watch in a cow uterus, then get a knife thrown at his crotch by Jack Palance because he craps bigger than you. I'd extend the reference further, but that's about all I remember. Mental images of hardcore cow fisting and a 70 year-old hardass taking a shit. Thanks movie industry. Are pizzas big with cowboys? I knew they get real pissy when you buy picante sauce made in New York, but I didn't know this extended to other tomato-based products. It's not just a regular pizza either, it's a prize pizza, which means that in between chewing on tar and disliking colored people, cattle rustlers don amusing aprons with phrases like "Grill Sergeant" or "Kiss The Cook Unless You Are A Man Because God Hates Faggots" and stage Italian cook-offs, where food is judged on presentation, taste, and ratio of beef to nutritional content. I'm not up on hipster lingo, so I had to look up "palooka" in the dictionary to find out what they are and why they'd want to steal Annie Oakley's Veggie Pizza. According to Merriam Webster, a palooka is an "inexperienced or incompetent boxer." Gabby Jay stole Mr. P's prize pizza. IT'S ALL COMING TOGETHER Judy Tenuta says: I had a cat named Patches. Then it heard the sound of my voice and ran away! HONNNNK *accordion sting* Pesky, Pestering, Pimply Pre-Pubescents Perusing Dictionaries for Poop and Penis and Pee: 824,230
Mr. Q - ?
Q is also for: Q Comment: I wonder how many of these one could figure out if they didn't have names attached. Let me give it a shot.
Okay, ah... It's an O! An O on a slight hill! Man doing an ET impression! Man picking his nose! Man testing the wind! Man.. uh.. Man doing something! Man! Jackal! Jackal! Jackal? Jackal! Uh.. Wow, that guy on the end of the couch has some really fucked up legs. You see that guy? They're like twice as long.. Yes, yes I know you told me not to stare, but you didn't tell me Stretch Fucking Armstrong was at this party. I just thought you meant there was a guy with a big mole or something, I didn't know I was gonna be dodging Yoga Fires from Dhalsim over there. Oh shut up, he can't hear me, he can hear you. Don't get on my case, I didn't want to come to this stupid thing anyw--shit, we aren't yelling out answers. Uh... Polar bear! What? No, I told you I didn't want to come. I did so! I said it ten times! No, Ann is your friend, that's why you dragged me here. Um.. Dwight Yoakum! For future reference, you can tell the difference between your friends and mine because mine haven't suffered the massive head trauma necessary to voluntarily buy a grey rug to match their grey wallpaper and paintings of perfume bottles. Oh don't start on that feng shui shit, if you-- Time's up! Oh. It was Quiet. Man, this is tough. No wonder it made Erik Estrada punch Bill Maher in the face. Actually, I think I would've done that anyway. By the way Ann I accidentally poured some motor oil on your plant, I hope you don't mind. Henry David Thoreau says: A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. Quantity of Quirky Queer Eye Quacks Quoting Quips while Redecorating Ann's Quaint Quarters: 5 querulous queens
Mr. R - Ripping Rubberbands
R is also for: Ruh-Roh Raggy Comment: Jesus Christ. A general rule of thumb when designing characters is: if you'd piss yourself when you saw him come around a corner on a dark night, it's most likely not a good design for children. Hell, I'm looking at him on a computer screen in broad daylight and I think a little pee came out. That may just be my chronic contracted bladder, but I'm not taking any chances. Hopefully the writers were sensible enough to offset his frightening appearance by making his personal song all about how looks can be deceiving and he's a good guy at heart.
I'm Mr. R, BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! Running, racing, ripping
rubberbands, RIP! So much for that. I don't know what the music sounded like for this song, but I'll bet 10 to 1 it was German speed metal. New For The '90s Remake: Mr.
R - Rainbow Ribbons. I think they could've softened up his image
without simply shearing his testicles off. The new Mr. R wins rainbow
ribbons for Rise and shine there camperinos! Are you ready to have a SUPER day? I think I'd rather be stuck with the rubberband monster. His shirt reminds me of a joke, though. Did you hear about that new pirate movie? Yeah, it's rated PG-13 for violence and adult language. Carrot Top says: Hey, hey look, it's a condom with a guitar! Rubber band, get it? Right? Guys? DIAL DOWN THE CENTER Rugrats Running from Ravenous Rubberband Rippers: 63,207
Mr. S -
S is also for: Super Mario's cape Comment: First appearing in 1947 in Rather Unremarkable Tales #81 (later renamed to the much more well-received Fantastic Tales), Mr. S was introduced as a superhero for the domestic circuit. While other heroes were doing battle with giant monsters high above bustling metropolises (metropoli?), Mr. S was fighting injustice in the seedy underworld of the Shady Oaks Gated Community. When trouble was afoot (GET IT), Mr. S would leap into the nearest hamper and emerge as Super Socks, defender of Peace, Justice, and the Shady Oaks Noise Ordinance and Neighborhood Watch programs. Socks quickly proved to be a popular character, and was soon given his own series entitled The Downy Fresh Adventures of Super Socks. Fans waited eagerly every month to see what new situations their hero was going to find himself in next, be it tangling with a surly resident whose car was blocking a fire hydrant, valiantly rescuing a frisbee from a rooftop, or, in a very special five-part saga, catching vandals who were writing vulgarities on the sidewalks with chalk. As the series grew in popularity, various spin-offs and miniseries came and went, such as What Price Arch Support (featuring the infamous death of Dr. Scholls and the origin story of Mothman) and the acclaimed cross-over The Sockrat Wars, which resulted in a short-lived new outfit for Super Socks made of space-age sentient stockings. This outfit was later discarded after it turned out to be made of a blend of 40% cotton, 60% EVIL. Sadly, the end came in issue #391 when, while writing up an unleashed dog violation, Super Socks encountered the dog's owner, Doomsday, who stuffed Socks into The Armageddon Dryer. When the cycle was finished, half of Supes had disappeared mysteriously, and the other half was forced to give up crime fighting, sew two buttons and draw a mouth on his face, and join Shari Lewis' touring company. Lono Veccio from Suicide Kings says: I don't wanna hear about any fuckin' kinda footwear from you again. Don't even talk about fuckin' socks to me. Stately Socialite Seldom Seen in the Same Spot at the Same Second as Super Socks: Sam Smith
Mr. T - Tall Teeth
T is also for: Teaching Comment: Wuh-oh! It's Mr. T! I'd better not jibba jabba! Mr. T pities the foo who don't have teeth resembling resupply sticks for glue guns! So be somebody or be somebody's foo! I love it when a plan comes together! MR T IS A CHARACTER FROM A 1980S TV SHOW HOW YOU LIKE THE SMELLA MY BALLS FOO With that out of the way, this Mr. T is obsessed with his teeth. He tells tall tales about the amount of toothpaste he has to use on each individual tooth every day. That's about all he talks about. Mr. T doesn't have a lot going on. Normally I'm not the kind of guy to bring up or even notice something like this; I've always been annoyed by knee-jerkers who see malicious intent inherent in everything. But.. does his design seem familiar at all?
Maybe it's just me. Mantan says: Shoooooowwtiiiiiiiiimme! Tally of Total Time Taken to Tidy Tall Teeth: 10 years
QUACK QUACK FOO
Boy the first volume of this bit ran a little long, didn't it? Don't want to make the same mistake twice. Get up, walk around, stretch your legs. Evacuate your bowels if necessary. Ew, stop that. I thought it was implied you should go find the bathroom first. While you're out there, stop by the lobby for some wonderful refreshments. 7 out of 10 people agree our yellow oil tastes somewhat akin to real butter! Have a look around, take a breather. Step outside and get some fresh air. Take pause to think about a loved one. Take pause to think about a hated one. Pit them against each other in a steel cage match in your mind. Who won? Was it veteran star of stage and screen Ernest Borgnine? Yeah, me too. Y'know, the irony is I'm making this article longer as we speak. I'm making it longer by explaining I'm making it longer. Maybe I shouldn't talk anymore. Oops. Shit, no, I mean it this time. Wait dammit
um
letsgetbacktothearticle
Ms. U - Upsy-Daisy Umbrella
U is also for: Uglification Comment: There is a serious fucking discrepancy here. Maybe her lesson was about being under the influence and these pictures are before and after she wrapped her car and most of her face around a tree. Ms. U has a somewhat bizarre design, with a handle sticking out of her side and a hand growing out of her crotch. I can only assume she was at one time a famous scientist, conducting ultra-secret experiments in a government facility underground, who agreed to be the first human test subject for their new teleportation system. But at the last second during the test, a fly flew dangerously close to teleport pad and stabbed her with an umbrella. Now whenever she stretches indoors, somebody gets bad luck. New For The '90s Remake: Ms. U - Unusual Umbrella. I'm not fond of the redesign at all.
Kathy Griffin says: Ohmigod, okay, you guys, I saw this woman, and she had an umbrella, but, you guys, it was like, her face or something. Ohmigod. Cause of Unusual Upturn in Unapologetic Uxoricidal Flies with Urgent Urethritis: Unknown
Mr. V - Velvet Vest V is also for: Veggietales, which is apparently where they got the balloon Comment: On one hand, he'd be much better off with something custom tailored. On the other hand, he's got a readymade David Byrne costume for every Halloween. Mr. V was the one upper-class member of the Letter People community. It's not quite clear what a seemingly upstanding gentleman with fancy clothes is doing slumming it with freaks and degenerates with giant mouths and rubberband hair and candy heads. Maybe his song will clue us in. I am Mr. V with a very special
vest Of course, he first introduces himself. Very classy. I am Mr. V with a very special
velvet vest Well, okay, emphasis is important. But now let's get to the heart of the matter. I am Mr. V with a very special
violet velvet vest That's enough emphasis. I am Mr. V with a great variety
of very special violet velvet vests Fine. I am Mr. V with a velvet vest Well, I guess that does answer my question. He's an idiot. I can't help but feel mocked spending hours writing a big article on something that was apparently scribbled on some toilet paper in between bong hits on a lazy Sunday afternoon. It's elementary school all over again where I labor to ensure an A in every subject while the D-average kids are out having fun and playing and dancing and having sex parties or whatever it was those popular kids were always doing. New For The '90s Remake: Ms. V - Vegetable Vest. I'm not sure if they decided they needed V to be female and thought they couldn't have a woman in a velvet vest, or whether they came up with the new name but then decided no self-respecting heterosexual male would be wearing a vest covered in vegetables. Ms. V teaches kids all about proper nutrition, because abhorring any foods not born of God's Green Earth can't be hammered into their tiny heads enough. Harold Rosenburg says: The purpose of education is to keep a culture from being drowned in senseless repetitions, each of which claims to offer a new insight. Number of Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Best Vests: 1 Special Violet Velvet Vest
Mr. W - Winking W is also for: William Wigglestaff Comment: Wonderful wink, with my right eye,
that's once That's called blinking, jackass. Mr. W winked. That was it. That was his whole thing. He couldn't do anything else. At least Mr. T could entertain people with stories about his teeth, or hire himself out as a Donny Osmond stand-in. W is the Aquaman of the Letter People, and that's pretty damned sad considering the other contenders. When the team captains are making their final choices for the big dodgeball game, and it comes down to you and a guy made entirely out of cotton candy, and you lose, maybe you should just hang it up. Though maybe everyone's just still mad at him for making Kramer think he could sell the Yankees' birthday card. New For The '90s Remake: Ms. W - Wonderful Words. In an act of gross overcompensation, the new W lays claim to everything that comes out of anybody's mouth. Also a vagina. Now there's a superpower. Mr. N says: Fucker stole my hat! Weak-Willed Writers Working Weeks for Want of the Right Wonderful Words: 1 :(
Mr. X - Mixed Up
X is also for: givin it to ya Comment: I'll admit X isn't an easy one to do, but they could've come up with something that at least starts with X. Make him a xylophonist or xenophobic or something. X was a pretty big screw-up though, as evidenced in his song: X Mr. am Then he starts beating his head against the wall. In his TV episode, X wants to make a sound, but every time he tries something goes wrong. Goats start mooing, Mr. H's hair changes, Sean Penn wins an Oscar. Eventually K and S decide to help him out by agreeing to make a sound together that X can have as his own. This makes X so happy that "he decides to use his letter as a symbol to prevent children from getting too close to anything dangerous." That explains why my cousin runs screaming out of the room when Hollywood Squares comes on. No, wait, I do that too. New For The '90s Remake: Mr. X - Different. Oh fuck you. Yes, in their haste to overreact to the old Mr. X being labeled abnormal, they neglected to pick a new word that actually starts with X. The new X's lesson title is "I Like Me, I Like You," which really only does more harm than good. Teaching kids that everyone should hold hands and sing around a campfire is only going to lead to some serious disillusionment down the line; teaching kids that there are some downright insane yet seemingly normal looking people out there is a lesson they'll use time and time again. Besides, different actually sounds worse. "Hey, there's Mr. X. He's mixed up! Man, what a crazy character." "Hey, there's Mr. X. No, let's not
sit near him, he's... different." Eminem says: You got some issues X, I think you need some counseling, to help your ass from bouncing off the wall when you get down some Xylem and Xylene Derived Xenobiotics Injected into the Xiphoid, Prescribed to X for Xeroderma Pigmentosum and Acute Xerothalmia: 8
Mr. Y - Yawning
Y is also for: Because we like you! Comment: None of these guys ever takes the tags off their stuff. It's a city of shoplifters. Mr. Y was, of course, a hermaphrodite, being partly a consonant and partly a vowel, but this point is quietly avoided in the show. They have an entire episode dedicated to his ability, but according to the show Mr. Y was simply "bored" and wanted to try something different. That happens to be the same excuse most guys use when they start trying on panties. Or, uh, so I've heard. Mr. B and Ms. I argue over whether Y is a consonant or a vowel, until Mr. K comes in and says he can be both. It's like an episode of General Hospital where everyone's arguing until the doctor runs in and says "She's PREGNANT!" or "He's DEAD!" or "She's MADE OF LICORICE!", except in this case the doctor is a retard in a football helmet who does nothing but kick things. Which is really the way it should always be handled. Virginia Woolfe says: Different though the sexes are, they inter-mix. In every human being a vacillation from one sex to the other takes place, and often it is only the clothes that keep the male or female likeness, while underneath the sex is very opposite of what it is above. Young Yankee Yuppies with Yodelling Yawns: 563,964
Mr. Z - Zipping Zippers
Z is also for: Zatarain's Comment: He could've been another Mr. R if he weren't too busy scatting and dancing and having a good time. And I don't say that just because I'm hoping someone will find this page while searching for "morgan webb scat dance": Zipping zippers up...Zip zickety
zag ..Okay, actually morgan webb scat dance really is the only reason I said that. And so now to tap in to that valuable new demographic:
Always end on a high note. B says: You're fucking fired. Zesty Zerba Zoologists Zonked Out by Overzealous Zipping: 62,358
Keep a lookout for Volume 3, coming soon, with characters like The Schwa and Uter the Umlaut! |
Volume 1 :: Volume 2
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