Subtitles for Overdubs: Blind Fist of Bruce.

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Subtitles for overdubs: Blind Fist of Bruce.
written by Jon - october 14 - 2003

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BRUCE

HEAD BADGUY

FAT STUPID TEACHER

SKINNY RAT-FACED TEACHER

BLIND MASTER

ALSO STARRING

A WHOLE FUCKING LOT OF CHINAMEN

HEAD BADGUY. There's some people.
HENCHMAN #1. Let's get them!
HENCHMAN #2. Yeah!
BYSTANDER. We are playing chess.
CHESS PLAYER. We are bystanders.
HEAD BADGUY. Oh yeah?
HENCHMAN #1. Oh yeah?

HEAD BADGUY flips over their table.

CHESS PLAYER. Oh yeah, I guess since we're sitting, we're bysitters.
BYSTANDER. Oh yeah, this isn't chess. This is that weird Chinese dot game.
HENCHMAN #1. We're going to play that dot game with your face!

HENCHMAN #1 rams BYSTANDER's head between two poles.

HENCHMAN #2. Check it out! This is like that episode of "Full House" where D.J. babysits that brat kid who thinks he's cool because he sticks his head through the stair rails, but then he gets stuck. And then D.J. gets some butter and puts it all over his head so it'll slide out. But it doesn't work, and when his mom comes home she's all like, "Get some bread and wipe that butter off your head." And everyone laughed. Why? Why did the audience laugh at that?
WEIRD CHINESE DOT GAME PLAYER. I was in that audience. It rhymed.
HEAD BADGUY. Fag!

HEAD BADGUY hits WEIRD CHINESE DOT GAME PLAYER in the neck until he spits out blood. Cut to title screen.

DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY

I rearry wanted to have action-pack movie. But beware, troubre causing thugs have come into town and are showing who's boss!

VILLAGE SKANK. Hi! Heh.
BANK WORKER. Would you like to put money in the bank?
VILLAGE SKANK. Yes! Heh.
HENCHMAN #1. Not so fast!
HENCHMAN #2. Whoa, whoa, wait. Are we the same henchmen from before? We all look alike, I swear to Christ. We need to wear name tags or something.
HENCHMAN #1. No, believe it or not, we have no relationship to the henchmen from earlier.
HENCHMAN #2.1. Oh. Let's hold this bank up with this hatchet!
VILLAGE SKANK. Aaaaah! Heh.

HENCHMAN #1.1 proceeds to hold up a bank with a fucking hatchet.

BRUCE. I am the bank owner. What is the meaning of this?

BRUCE kicks some ass. The HENCHMEN run away.
BRUCE. I owe my victory to my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. And my bumbling sidekicks/teachers.
SKINNY RAT-FACED TEACHER. Little does Bruce know that we paid these guys to hold up the bank!
FAT STUPID TEACHER. food.

THE NEXT DAY

DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY

Here I wanted to symborize the happiness of what has happened by using dayright.

BRUCE'S MOM. All you kids care about these days is kung-fu! And drugs.
BRUCE. Mom, kung-fu is useful! Why, just the other day I stopped these thugs from robbing the bank. Show me some new moves, teachers!
SKINNY RAT-FACED TEACHER. Uh...sure, okay. This is the, uh, dog-fist!
FAT STUPID TEACHER. And, behold! The cat-fist! food.

DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY

So far it has been all serious and important events. So here I want to introduce a pair of comic-rerief characters. They are much like funny found in American movies such as Steamboat Wirrie and Three Stooges!

BANK WORKER. Bruce, come quick! Some gang is holding up our bank again!

cut to bank scene

BRUCE. With my newfound techniques you will surely die.
HEAD BADGUY. Nuh-uh.

BRUCE gets his sorry ass kicked.

HEAD BADGUY and his HENCHMAN are walking around the village.
HEAD BADGUY. We pwn this town.
HENCHMAN #1. Yeah, we're killing all their d00ds. There's some old guy.
HEAD BADGUY. Let's get him!
HENCHMAN. Yeah!
BLIND MASTER. I am an old man who will later reveal himself to be a BLIND Kung-Fu MASTER. But for now, I'm just an old man who wears a mop for a wig.

HEAD BADGUY. Huh.
BRUCE and his TEACHERS are practicing kung-fu.
SKINNY RAT-FACED TEACHER. Time for more comic relief! I mean, comic relief! I mean, kung-fu tactics!
BLIND MASTER. Hi guys.
BRUCE. Who are you?
BLIND MASTER. A passing stranger, shrouded in mystery, who will later reveal himself to be a BLIND Kung-Fu MASTER.
SKINNY RAT-FACED TEACHER. Go away, old man! I seem to hate you for unexplained reasons!
BLIND MASTER. Bitch, eat my walking stick!

BLIND MASTER goes home to entertain his DISGUSTINGLY UNDERAGED MISTRESS by doing tricks with dinnerware that is obviously glued together.

HENCHMAN #1. Man, I haven't hit any pussy in a minute.
HENCHMAN #2. Whoa, there's some chick walking around in her pajamas. And the camera's zoomed in on her ass. I'm glad the director's such a perv.
HENCHMAN #1. Let's rape her.

DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY

Along this time I had been very ronery. My wife reft me and I onry thought about making rove. In the originar script she made rape with an octopus, however we were working with a budget of one hundred dorras and had no money reft to buy an octopus.

BLIND MASTER. Here is where I reveal myself to be a true BLIND MASTER. Oh yeah, I'm blind, by the way.
BLIND MASTER kicks a lot of ass.
BRUCE. HEAD BADGUY, I'm coming to fuck you up.
HEAD BADGUY. Yeah, okay. You know you're not the real Bruce Lee, are you? You're Bruce Li, one of several cheap-ass knockoffs.
BRUCE. Aw, man.

BRUCE gets his ass kicked again.

BRUCE. Man, this movie blows. You guys are fired.
TEACHERS. But without us, this movie will go from a fun-filled romp to a mere romp.
BRUCE. Then a romp it is. Get out of here so you can work for the HEAD BADGUY.
FAT STUPID TEACHER. food.
BRUCE. All I really need is for that BLIND MASTER to teach me.
BLIND MASTER. Okay. Do some karate chops or something while I get smoked the fuck out.

A WHILE LATER

BRUCE. I'm ready to face you now, HEAD BADGUY.

BRUCE gets his ass kicked and runs away.

BRUCE. BLIND MASTER, I got my ass kicked for like the tenth time this movie.
BLIND MASTER. Well, now we should try one our more advanced techniques. I'll stand on the roof and throw chickens at you.
BRUCE. Ohhhh...kay.

BRUCE's former TEACHERS are eating dinner with their new gang.

SKINNY RAT-FACED TEACHER. Man, I sure am glad we sold out.
FAT STUPID TEACHER. Man, I sure am glad I'm at the dinner table. food.
HENCHMAN #1. You know what I just realized? Our boss conquered this town because he knows kung fu, right? Imagine if one of us had a gun. We could take over all of Japan. Wait, is this Japan or China?
HENCHMAN #2. Who cares, they're all the same.
HEAD BADGUY. Hey, guys. Bruce just kicked my ass. He has some fucked-up move where he does something with chickens, or something. I think.
HENCHMAN #1. I'll go get the HEAD HEAD BADGUY.
HENCHMAN #2. Wait, what the fuck? Head head badguy? With like twenty minutes left in the movie? Give me a fucking break.

DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY

I enjoy prot twists. When things may not be going fun or good I often give the story a prot twist.

BLIND MASTER. The HEAD HEAD BADGUY and I go way back. He made me blind. blah blah blah boring long-ass backstory

MEANWHILE

Some chick gets railed to death by the HEAD HEAD BADGUY and his posse.

HEAD HEAD BADGUY. What, you want some, punk?
BRUCE. You're a dead man. This blind guy taught me how to fight better by throwing chickens at me.
HEAD HEAD BADGUY'S POSSE. (in semi-unison) Ooh. I'm really scared. Ooooooh.

fighting