Because 2400 Is Too Many
written by Jon, B, Kyle, Justin and Bill - January 16, 2026
THE TOWEL
SEASON 1
Borvo Sobrinna funds international terrorism, so you know in the back of his mind he keeps expecting a government agent to pop around the corner with a gun to scream things like "GET DOWN" or "DROP THE WEAPON." He never expected Jack Bauer to don a pair of sunglasses, cut on his exciting background music, beat an elevator to the bottom floor of a building and hijack his limousine. Borvo, or "Ted Coffell" as he is calling himself here, gets driven around violently before being straddled and told that if he does not divulge the information he possesses Jack will stuff a towel down his throat and use it to rip the lining of his stomach out. Jesus Christ.
It's the first time in the series to feature Jack bunking his "I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHOOT YOU" and going for something a little more creative. It works, because in true in-twenty-formant fashion Ted Coffell is scared to death and inadvertently murdered by the idea of a special agent turning him into Inside-Out Boy. You could say Ted Coffell would Dan Rather be dead than horrifically and facetiously maimed. Way to go, Jack.
All in all, kidnapping someone and threatening their well-being via limo proves my theory that Jack is not a special agent but merely an agent for the Ministry of Darkness.
- B
"I CAN FIND MY OWN FUCKING JOB, ERIN."
SEASON 4 PREQUEL
I've decided there's simply no way to ever justify curse words. A few failing TV shows tried to pull ratings stunts by having a character curse on broadcast TV; Chicago Hope is the one I recall the best, with producers insisting (in carefully planned hype-generating news reports before the "event") that the curse word they'd use would be very important to the story and not simply a cheap ploy to get attention. Then it turned out one guy in the last five seconds of the episode said "Shit happens," which seemed to be openly mocking anyone who actually believed the cursing would be artistically valuable.
This moment comes from the preview for season four that was released on the Internet and DVD, so it never had the "naughty words on broadcast TV" angle. But the principle is the same. Fox is once again pushing the envelope in delivering intense drama by giving you things you've never seen (or heard). Then Jack mumbles something about his fucking job.
But on the other hand, oh shit Jack Bauer just said fuck that's so awesome
- Bill
CURTIS GOES HOUSE ON WOULD-BE EXECUTIONERS
SEASON 4
Up until this moment in Season Four, we as viewers didn't really have any positive or negative opinion of Curtis. He was just sort of there. So when we see him dragged off to be killed, we'd rather it didn't happen but we kind of expected it.
We, or at least I, certainly didn't expect him to pull off one of the most impressive ass-kickings in the history of the show. He then proceeds to stomp around the building and scare the shit out of some other badguys. And what's important to note is that even though we hadn't learned much about Curtis, we'd learned enough. He's just a simple, honest guy who doesn't terribly mind adding insult to mortal injury.
- Jon
CHASE CAUTERIZES OWN WOUND
SEASON 3
Outside of the first couple of episodes, I hated Chase. More like Chase SPEDmonds, I'd proclaim to all of my friends who didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. Even I had to admit though, that it takes some serious stones to cauterize your own fleshwound. It's like when you're watching a show that you HATE with a bunch of people who love it, and there's that one nugget of entertaining dialogue amidst a river of shit, and you can't help but smirk and admit that okay, it WAS pretty good.
- Justin
JACK PUTS ONE OVER ON THE GERMANS
SEASON 5
You know, for a man to whom "word is bond" means more than just a hilarious callback to the 80's B-Boy lifestyle used by "ironic" hipsters during their next "do you remember pop culture" conversation, Jack sure does break his all the damn time. Now, to be fair, nobody was really expecting him to bring Claudia to America. I mean, he's a Jet and she was a Shark. It wouldn't have worked out anyway. But when you're dealing with another agent in matters of international terrorism, there are rules to be followed. u do not fuck with another mans automobile!!!
- Justin
JACK FIGURES OUT THAT BURNING
CORPSE
IN MOSQUE IS NOT SYED ALI
SEASON 2
Here, Jack demonstrates that even if he got his ass kicked in every fight he'd ever fought, we'd still watch 24 hours of him solving mysteries. Apparently Syed Ali couldn't find a guy as short as him in time, which has to be kind of belittling. Jack sees the corpse's pants are three inches too short, spends a second trying to recall whether his official CTU profile lists him as a "Nerd-osaurus Rex", and concludes that Syed is presumably sneaking around buck-naked in a house of God.
I wonder if he ever ended up beating Kim at chess.
- Jon
MORE LIKE ALAN KILLING-HIM
SEASON 3
We had established for two and a half seasons that Sherry Palmer was good for two things:
1) Getting anything remotely shady accomplished in record time, including several unrelated things all in a row that would normally require her to drive or fly great distances in the three-to-five minutes the commercial break allows, and
2) Yelling.
In the second half of the third season we learn that Sherry has the ability to actually talk a man to death. When confronted by Alan Milliken, the influential man who wants to push David Palmer out of office, Sherry begins insulting the man (who is in a wheelchair) until his heart begins to explode. He reaches for his pills but Sherry denies them, continuing to list off every horrible thing he's ever done and every negative insult ever written down or passed along orally in the history of modern man. Even his wife Julia, fresh from having an extra-marital affair with Principal Black from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and being a maggot-faced demon goddess on Buffy's sister show and being a ROOTIN TOOTIN SPACE PIRATE on Buffy's sister show that demands you ignore and forget about it's sisters or else, is helpless against Sherry's barrage. Milliken collapses on the floor with the agonizing specter of death still burned into his face. Sherry convinces Julia to lie about the situation and then spends the next six episodes writing FAGGOT on Alan's corpse in magic marker.
- B
JACK PULLS TRIGGER ON CHASE
SEASON 3
In most shows, if the hero were asked to shoot his partner, you'd know it wasn't really going to happen. This show, however, has done a better job than any other show of making sure that the viewers know that almost anyone can get knocked off at any time. While undercover, Jack was asked to kill Chase to prove his loyalty.
It would have been especially easy to knock off Chase. He wasn't particularly likeable, he didn't really get much done, and he was kind of an idiot. For once, we actually expected for him to die. I mean, Jack didn't even want him around. Chase spent most of his time playing Carmen Sandiego and trying to catch up with him like the Super Sleuth he is. He was able to find Jack's location by stomping on this guy's nuts until he revealed that he saw Jack sailing away in a schooner with a Mexican flag on the back, but his progress in the field was severely hampered by a team of a cappella vocalists who sang "oooooooooooh THE CHAAAAAASE" whenever someone said his name.
- Jon
JACK ELBOWS OUT AIR MARSHAL, IS THOUGHTFUL ENOUGH TO GIVE HIM A PILLOW
SEASON 5
You might say it was necessary for Jack to put the pillow under the guy's head to better sell the idea that the guy really was asleep, but come on. Like a stewardess is going to walk by and think to herself, "Oh look that's weird, this AIR MARSHAL, this GUARDIAN OF OUR SKIES FROM TERROR, has decided to slack off on his duties which include MAKING SURE I'M NOT SHOT INTO A BUILDING LIKE SOME GIANT BULLET FIRED FROM ALLAH IN HEAVEN oh but wait he has a pillow oh jeez time to offer vegetable juice to some people".
You're going to have to accept the conclusion that Jack was just being a nice guy.
- Jon
JACK BAUER VS. GUY IN JOHN DEERE HAT
SEASON 2
On this side of the wall, we have Jack Bauer. Part Clint Eastwood, part McGyver, part Encyclopedia Brown. Earler tonight he died, but he was revived and has had a solid hour to physically re-enable himself, mentally get his faculties in order, and stuff the emotional ramifications of being dead for a little while down his throat and safely lodge them into his pancreas. He's going to be producing bewildered insulin for a few days, but he doesn't have a choice. He's got work to do.
On the other side, we have some random bumfuck in a John Deere hat, and it's not even worn ironically. He goes from racist, sexist, murdering, mugging asshole to scared child in about three seconds flat when he comes across Jack Bauer. This guy gets the award for the guy who has made me hate him with more frustration than anyone else on the show. He killed Yusuf, whom we loved. He damaged the chip beyond recognition, almost completely destroying the mission to prove President Palmer right, and by extension, save the country from a mistake that might have ended up destroying it.
Jack wins. It's like watching the Chiefs play the Raiders at home. Just a complete and merciful ass-handing.
- Jon
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